Dear Mrs. Woods...

by Crystal Laramore Lutz & Deborah K. Martin

..."Go On Take the Money and Run. Doooot, Doooot."

Sorry, but Deb and I just have to jump right smack dab in the middle of this one! Deb had a list of questions and I, as always, have all the answers. Seriously, Deb and I haven't stopped discussing the reason so many people are discussing Tiger Woods' infidelity. Notice I did not say "alleged". Isn't it clear he's been unfaithful? The only things fuzzy are all the peripherals.

How long has Elin known? Just how many women ARE there? Why oh why are we so obsessed with celebrity mischief? Should he explain himself to the world? Why hasn't the media ever reported his indiscretions before? (Oh PLEASE-this is NOT the first the media has heard of Tiger freaking Woods being unfaithful! Follow the money...)

Why do women sleep with married men? Why on earth would they ADMIT to it in PUBLIC? (pssst. Deny, deny, deny.) Do they think this type of behavior casts them in a POSITIVE light? Hmmmm. Why do men do it? And last but not least why is HE still in their house?

Is it any of our business really? No. Not really. So what he's a celebrity. So what it goes with the territory. Just b/c it goes with the territory does not mean he has to accept it. Nieman Marcus is having a buy one get one half off sale but that doesn't mean I MUST get the other $500.00 platinum toe ring for an additional $250.00. So what Tiger is not accepting the whole "Whatever I do is your business too" celebrity buy-in. Good for him.

Clearly, he's been a bad, bad boy. And I'm good with knowing that even our little Tiger is human and has made some mistakes and is taking ownership and trying to shelter his wife and children from being drug through the proverbial mud. Maybe Elin has some secrets too. Maybe they have an open marriage. Maybe Elin is bi-sexual. Maybe Tiger is gay. Maybe...

How long has Elin known? For sure since last week. Wonder if she found out on Fox News?

Just how many women ARE there? Pick a number; any number.

Why oh why are we so obsessed with celebrity mischief? Because we are all freaks. And we wish WE were doing all that...Heck I don't know! You tell me. I'll tell you WHY we KNOW...cuz it sells to tell (us).

Should he explain himself to the world? Only if he wants to. Remember people-it's THEIR life, not ours; no matter how much money you donated to his lifestyle.

Why hasn't the media ever reported his indiscretions before? Because they are liberal and biased. Usually they are out for blood. YOU tell ME. OR……

Deb has been watching Tiger since just before he turned pro. She recalls that he's never been flashy, always private. “Even WAY before he became a billionaire there was never any controversy over his dating life. Now all of a sudden there are MANY women who've been with him? Personally, I think he screwed up royally (as a woman who has been in Elin's position I can tell you the number doesn't matter. It's the first one that deals the death blow.) and now lots of women are cashing in but most of it just isn't true. And the press smells blood in the water.”

Why do women sleep with married men? Because they are young. Because they have never been married and they don't know what it feels like when your husband has an affair. Because they lack judgment. And when they get older it's because they are lonely, insecure, desperate, stupid, naive, insensitive and sometimes they have been sold a pack lies ranging from "My wife just doesn't understand me" all the way to "No. I'm not married". Then there are some men who play by the "Don't ask Don't Tell" rules of the game. Any which way you spin it-the women are wrong. The men are worse.

Why on earth would they ADMIT to it in PUBLIC? Because they are young, lack judgment, stupid, insecure, lonely, insensitive and when all other excuses fail, "Follow the money. Follow the money."

Why do men do it? Because they are young and they lack judgment. And when they get older it's because they are lonely, insecure, desperate, stupid, naive, insensitive and just plain ole dogs. And sometimes they've been sold a pack of lies ranging from "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" to "What your wife doesn't know won't hurt her". Pssst-she knows. It hurts.

And last but not least why is HE still in their house? (as this goes to press we hear that she has moved to a nearby house) Because she is young and probably lacks judgment. Because she thinks she'd be lonely without him. Maybe she is insecure, desperate, stupid, naive and my personal favorite - In Love. And maybe she's been sold a pack of lies ranging from "I promise I'll never do it again" to "Baby, I only love you-it was just sex with them". And when all else fails "Follow the money. Follow the money." Or “Go on, take the money…”

OK, what Tiger did was wrong. No excuses. But so was what Richard, Harry, David, Mike, et al did. Substitute any name here, including a few Sophia's, Valerie's and Julie's. Even though it seems to happen a LOT, there's really no excuse. If you're having problems in a marriage solve them within the marriage. This may be why Tiger is keeping mum about the situation. It's THEIR problem to solve or not solve. We should all applaud them for that. And if they can work it out more power to them. Hopefully valuable lessons will be taken to heart.

As women, we're pretty passionate about a subject like this, having been in this position ourselves and while we may never know the answers there's one question we can't escape - is it any of our business - really?

Bad Parenting 101

By Crystal Laramore

Edited by Deborah Martin

Hope you guys had a great Thanksgiving holiday. I had the week off! And I was thankful. This year I have a lot to be thankful for. I am especially thankful I have a wonderful new family. And I’m most thankful they haven’t left me yet! It’s been an adjustment for me more so than them but they are both patient. My husband is 52. Sometimes he’s not really patient, he’s just tired but the end result is the same-I vent and he sits in the recliner watching HD football and pretends to listen/care. The 6 year old is patient cuz she has to be. I’m mainly in charge of her food, clothing and shelter and “puppy time”.

My husband came complete with two grown children, a daughter-in law, two grandsons and a 6 year old precious little girl that lives with us. And however precious she is, she IS SIX. She has made me laugh, cry and sing with joy. I fell in love with her father first, but I am falling in love with her more and more every day. My heart sometimes skips beats when she hugs me and tells me she loves me. And somewhere in the middle of all the chaos and adjustments-we’ve become a family. And this new family has given me a whole different perspective in life and a whole new direction in writing. I could write all day about politics and relationships but for now you will have to endure some “kid” stories. Lord knows I’ve endured enough of them over the years!

Last week's article received a lot of attention for which I was quite surprised! Women from around the country responded with such encouraging words! “Girl, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet! Just wait till she’s 13! Oh honey, it doesn’t get easier. It gets harder. Good luck. May the force be with you. Wait till she starts driving! Wait till she starts liking boys. You may be new to this but it’s the same with all moms! And my editor/former friend said I’m SOOOOOOOO glad my kids are grown!”

Mostly, I consider myself a worldly, empowered, intelligent woman with a wide range of ways to express myself. I just cried; and wrote some more - to free myself of the sinful thoughts in my heart. Amen.

One of my friends, Sophie, just called me to share one of her experiences raising a child for the first time-yeah, she’s old too! Sophie and her husband adopted an 8 year-old 5 years ago. Yes, 8+5 = 13. She survives through visualization and meditation.

Sophie considers herself a highly intelligent, well-rounded individual. She has a demanding, high-paying job. She calls on the best of the best in her industry. She is consistently wheeling, dealing, dining and drinking (H2O that is)…
So how can such an accomplished woman send her child off to school without lunch money? How can such a capable woman bring her child to the brink of dirty hallway "Coke & Cheetos" deals?

Just the other day she took her child to buy a pair of Fat Baby’s. Right! I had no idea either. Apparently they are all the craze in the child-fashion-apparel-boot dept. There they were! The cammo Fat Baby boots! Too bad they were 2 sizes too big. OR not too bad after all! Seems the child doesn’t CARE if they don’t fit. “I WANT THE BOOTS!" Okay, Okay, Okay….get the damn boots!

Then said child decided she wanted to wear them to a funeral. Mom said no (as well she should have). Seems the child doesn’t CARE if you shouldn’t wear cammo boots to a funeral. “I WANT TO WEAR MY BOOTS.” Okay, Okay, Okay….wear the damn boots.
As soon as they walked into the funeral home some red-neck said “Hey, I like your boots”. And mom got the head-spasm-eyes rolled in the back of the head-I told you so look. We are all sure he was being sarcastic but she’s 13-YOU explain to her…

Speaking of fashion statements, I decided to let our child discover her own form of fashion. So when she shows up with a pink print skirt and a solid orange shirt with monkeys on it-don’t judge me. The cream colored turtleneck and the white cotton skirt-that one you never had to see. Some fashion faux paus are even too devastating for ME to witness much less make my friends (while I still have them) at school suffer through them.

Sometimes her dad comes into her bedroom (after I’ve drunk 2 cups of coffee, wash/dried/folded/put away 2 loads of laundry, fed child a popsicle stick for breakfast-WHAT? Sophie said they’re made with REAL fruit juice from concentrate, fed puppies, painstakingly watched Shaggy and Scooby solve yet another unsolvable mystery, helped child brush teeth, done homework if we forgot the night b4, packed backpack and gotten her dressed) and says “WHY is she wearing THAT”? And I say “Because you were taking a long, hot shower” with the head-spasm-eyes rolled in the back of my head-I told you not to leave us alone look. Any MORE intelligent questions?

Why JUST last Friday I sent her to school wearing her pretty pink skirt, matching top (HUGE step) and pretty high-gloss-glittery-pink shoes. Two outta three ain’t bad! Ain’t bad at all. I did have to do a pre-emptive strike and forewarn her father “Don’t say a word. Just tell her she looks pretty”. Of course this weird behavior from her conservative father confused the child and she immediately pointed out the shoes “But, look at my SHOES Daddy...” He never waivered. My husband-the pillar of strength in the face of hig-shine-pink-glitter-shoes adversity. He just stayed on track and repeated “I see them. You.Look.Pretty.” Confused but happy, she thanked him and skipped out of our bedroom with the help of her magic shoes!

I asked my friends if that was considered bad parenting and one of them replied “No. She can just click her heels twice and say…

‘There’s no place like Neieman ’s!’”

Soft Porn

by Crystal Laramore

Yesterday was a first for me. I had a small role in a soft porn film.

Casting calls started at 8 am so they wanted everyone there early to fill out the paperwork/waivers. Plus, aren’t we ALL thinner in the morning! They had a questionnaire as well. Some strange questions - probably more for those women who have never starred in a soft porn film before. The nature of the questions sort of gets you prepared for how the set will appear and exactly what will be expected of you and how many people will be in each scene with you.

Example of questions:

Do you touch your breasts often?

Do you touch one breast more than the other?

Does anyone else touch your breast (hopin, and wishin and prayin)

Anyway, they called MY name! Yeah! I followed the young girl with the clipboard (full of previous pictures of me, I’m sure!) into the room.

The Director, Charity (those names they pick!), came in to gloss over my paperwork and black & white pics and ask me a few pertinent questions: “Are you of age? Have you ever done this sort of thing before? Are you nervous?”

Finally, she sent me to the dressing room and gave me my first costume change. Of course it was a long dress that opened in the front with only a thread of a closure.

When I came out I noticed she had dimmed the lights just so and I must say it did ease my fears a bit. Religious girl (long hair, skirt, no make-up; just seems to make porn films better if you have a librarian or teacher or … as a supporting character) then stated “I have nipple warmers for you” to which I exclaimed “NIPPLE WARMERS”? Won’t that hurt? Ice on my nipples-maybe, but flames? No-thanks! She clarified “Nipple Markers”. Hmmmmm.

Religious girl placed the “Markers” on my nipples herself which startled me - a little. She took notice of my anxiety and just rubbed my shoulder and promised me everything would be ok. The “Markers” have cute silver studs right in the middle. I was confused however b/c mine didn’t have any fringe…

Next, she slipped her hand inside my gown and cupped one of my breast and placed it in the mouth of the hungry monster. The monster was still and seemed like a harmless, ugly, steel, Jurasik Park left-over prop.

Anyhoo, she guided me and told me to “Drop your left shoulder, push it back, there, that’s it. Now pivot your body just so, there, that’s it. Now relax your right shoulder. Great. You’re doing great! Just then the hungry monster with one eye slammed his mouth shut, I screamed “Holy Shit”! and she ran off to start filming!

Bitch.

When I left I noticed they had cleverly posted a sign on the casting office door that read “Mammogram”.

"Mommy"! Who said that?

By Crystal Laramore

Edited by Deborah K. Martin

This whole "Bam! you’re the proud new mother of a 6 year old at the age of 45" is taking it’s toll on me and my friends and the school system and last but not least the poor, poor 6 year-old. My husband seems to be taking it well; which should give us all reason to pause…

Does it mean you’re a bad parent if you drop your child off at school on a teacher In-Service day? What about if you get really mad at the “system” cuz the school called you last-minute to tell you that you have 70 lbs of cookie dough to pick up by 7 pm-“That’s it? No notice? No reminder?” and you’re in a business meeting in Houston; then you find the notice/reminder a few days later under your car seat with peanut butter on it? "Honey, can you cancel that appt. we had with LaTonya Goffney on Tuesday?"

How about if you send your child off to school with crooked pig tails? Socks that don’t match? Scratches under her eyes from the puppies-no, I swear!

Isn’t it great that children are resilient and bounce back from most things we do to screw them up as a child??? Maybe that’s why God makes our memory so crappy before the age of about 10. God knows.

Seriously, it’s a good thing that I KNOW the teachers and the administration at my stepdaughter's school. At least they know I don’t MEAN to be a horrible parent. At least they are willing to teach me that I have to help her with her homework when she first comes in from school while it’s still fresh in her mind and she has energy & an attention span farther than 22 seconds or until she hears the puppies barking; not at 6:55 in the morning right before we rush her to get ready and rush her out the door with crooked pig tails to have breakfast at school cuz we’re too crazed to make her breakfast soooo early in the morning and oh! Great Scott! Thank the good Lord they make it at school!

We do allow her to have coffee with us though. What?

Oh good gosh not really, we give her chocolate milk. I swear! Everyone knows sugar is totally better for a child than caffeine"??!!

And about the whole helping her with her homework thing Mrs. Rouswald, we didn't even know she HAD homework for several weeks. We thought kindergartners finger-painted. We didn't realize they were beginning to READ at that age! It's been such a long time since we were in grade K we forgot how to spell it. So, if our child is ever failing, please inform us because it's probably OUR fault! She’s probably told us to do something and we’ve ignored the silly 6 year old.

Like the first 3 times she brought home the copy of the lunch menu for the month I threw it away b/c it wasn’t pretty enough to go on the fridge - like the 6 year old said it should. Well, the 6 year old should have told the 45 year old it had the in-service days on it and the ice cream and slushy days on it and when the cookie dough will be in day marked, and when award day is-we missed award day! But nooooo, we’ve taught her to not argue with our authority. Tsk. We were soooo surprised when she came home with an award. I thought the “Food” calendar just had who was eating what & when on it. New parents don’t realize the global importance of the monthly food menu! To NOT look at one is to NOT want your child to succeed!

Look people, before I met/married my wonderful husband I was a night owl. I stayed up till 2 or 3 am and woke up around 10 or 11 am. I read period pieces, not "I said I see Sam". I may or may not get dressed for work during the week cuz no one can see me doing computer work. I lived on-site and only had to walk 10 paces to work. Now, I’m up between 5:30 & 6:00 and have made and drank 2 cups of coffee by 6:30. By 7:15 I have a lot of chores finished including getting a 6 year old ready for school (did she brush her teeth this morning?) and a 45 year-old (me) ready for work. Each takes the same amount of energy. The 52 year old can, by the grace of God, get himself ready. By the time I get to work, which is 7 miles away now and I do indeed drive, I need a nap. I'm exhausted!

And is it so bad that we get Spirit day and the other day (see, I don’t even know the names of all the days) mixed up? Wednesdays we know its green t-shirt day and Friday is red-t-shirt day and most of the time we get THAT right; isn’t that enough? And I think the school system has dealt with parents like us before and that is why they pick our child’s clothes 2 days out of the week FOR US!

Speaking of colors, why didn't someone tell me a blue smiley face was worse than a green one? I thought a smiley face was universally good and all the different colors were pretty.

Here's another thing - why does a 6 year old get “projects” WE have to do??? Don’t WE pay THEM to teach our child? Our child’s parents are old. WE don’t have energy or an attention span after 4:30 pm either. It takes all the energy my husband has to turn off the football game every Monday night.

And if bed-time is 8:30 and the Wizard of Oz doesn't come on until 7:00 and Dorothy hasn’t clicked her freaking heels yet-what then???? Shouldn’t Disney have a policy about what time kids’ shows start? We could barely get her out of bed this morning and she was mad at US! Like we own Disney or something…wait, are they publicly traded?

Sophie’s story: It's not a "good parent" story; it's a "good child" story. Sometimes these things DO happen. It'll give you hope. When her baby boy was about 10 (btw, he teaches pre-calculus and statistics in high school now so that should give you some clue as to how many cheery brain cells HE has), she and her husband were at a gathering of parents in the home of one of his classmates. The classmate in question wandered through the living room and his dad said something like, "Johnny, don't take too long. You know you've got to finish that big project. It's due tomorrow!"

Sophia and her then husband looked at each other & said “What project”? Their over-achieving child looked quizzically at them and said, "Oh yeah. I turned that in days ago." And so went HIS school years. We should all be so lucky as to get a kid like that. Miracles DO happen in the parenting world.

In the mean-time, this parent will try to remember (after 3 mos of school) to give her child a dollar on Wednesdays and Fridays for a slushy and/or ice cream and be grateful that she has better manners than Kanye and doesn't interrupt when someone is getting an award, even if her parents aren’t there!

p.s. I just found out that slushy day is Tuesday...NOT Wednesday…



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Change We Can ALL Believe In

by Crystal Laramore Lutz
Edited by Deborah K. Martin

As you all know I’ve been out of commission for a couple of weeks with the very competent Deborah K. Martin filling in for me as I avoid getting older.

Yes, I’m approaching my 45th birthday. I know, I KNOW, I don’t LOOK 45, but as my plastic surgeon says, “How old you are is your business; how old you LOOK is ours". Anyway, I've had a lot more than usual random thoughts roaming round in my head lately.

Just the other day we were all sitting at the new and improved Crystal’s Patio & Grille’s new bar watching the 52” LCD HD while Fox News (is there any other?) informed the world about some pirates who had kidnapped a couple and were holding them for ransom! Pirates?! Really? They’re back?

Well, yes they are back but unlike the bell-bottomed, corduroyed scoundrels we all knew and loved, these pirates have changed and not in a good way. Gone are the dreadlocks and man-liner along with eye patches, sheathed swords, three point hats, fancy belts with HUGE buckles and hairy chests. Pardon me, but I’d be less offended about the whole “the pirates are back” thing if we could just have our swashbucklers back instead of these metro-sexual, plain clothed pirate wannabe’s. And really, you’re not supposed to kidnap people – that’s a sin against the pirate rules. You are supposed to hunt down the treasure yourself and steal it from the first people who found it! Not only are the new pirates inadequate, unsexy and unappealing but they are impostors!

Come to think of it, we miss the real pirates so much the theme of this year’s Halloween party at the restaurant was pirates, wenches and gypsies. My husband was the Johnny Depp, swashbuckling kind of pirate and I was a gypsy. No fair asking how long the costumes stayed on but we DID have that extra hour Saturday night!

Speaking of Halloween, it was a full moon all weekend and I felt like I was in an “Eastwick” episode most of the time. Change was in the hair, ahem air – bwah hahaha!! It all started on Friday night when an enchanting young (-er than most of us) couple came into the restaurant for the first time. They were from Arizona, land of dry air, great hair and pretty people.

Speaking of great hair, all the charm seemed to be coming from the woman’s long black hair which I decided I just MUST have! Black hair that is, not HER hair…anyway, my hairdresser and FORMER friend (snicker) Kay Lynn was sitting at the bar and she concurred about me doing the whole black hair thing. Then Leah McCarty and Paula Harper followed suit; and did I mention it was a full moon and I was surrounded by...??? So the witches of Coldspring danced across the street under a full moon, protected by a cloud of pixie dust sprinkled by the enchanting couple, after midnight for some...change.

It’s really been more like a “shock and awe” campaign than change but I’m rolling with it. The Rasmussen poll is 95% FOR the enchanting black hair aka “change” and 5% in favor of the blond with one inch roots…so with the new black hair, the Dr. Mark Barlow special and the new weather in the air, I’m feeling like I’m likin’ change, baby. But remember, things are cyclical and in another 10 years…..blond could be back.

Anyway, the real thing always shows up every ten years or so in some fashion or song or piece of furniture, etc. The very first time I can remember a fashion coming back around I was a youngster at my grandmother’s house in Austin. Dresses with wide bands around the hips were all the craze and my mother had bought my grandmother one for Mother’s Day. She was having NO part of that! “I didn’t wear em back then and I don’t know what makes you think I’m gonna wear ‘em now!”

Since then many things have come back around that I remember, which means we’re all getting old. Whenever a new song like “My Boyfriend’s Back” by the Ravonette’s comes on the radio it’s always funny to see the “Man, you are so hip and cool” (except, Deb adds, young people don’t use those words, only us older folks do - snicker) expression on a teenager’s face when we know ALL the words! I LOVE that!

I’ve said all that to say this – life is short, embrace change. And for change YOU can believe in call

Mark Barlow, MD, Board Certified Plastic Surgeon (281-333-8999)

Kay Lynn Arrendell, Professional Hair Stylist, (281-659-5250)

(Personal references available at Crystal’s Patio & Grille!)

Sophie & Richard Sittin’ In A Tree…

by Crystal Laramore

Edited by Deborah K. Martin


…F-u-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes moving in without an engagement ring, wedding date, promise or picture of one. Then comes Richard with a chain saw, cuts off her limb and there she is-on her butt on the cold, hard, damp ground-alone.

But enough about why you shouldn’t let him have the milk without buying the cow.

Anyhoo…my bff Sophia is dating Richard. Now, as I’ve expressed in previous articles, I do not have crappy, ugly, homeless, unemployed, mean, psychotic or dumb girlfriends; which, of course, means that Sophia is beautiful, smart, gainfully employed, mostly rational and is certainly not crappy.

One recent seemingly normal evening Sophia or Sophie as we call her crawled into bed and snuggled up to Richard for some warmth and coloring. Richard’s response was “What do you want”? Sophie: “Some attention”. Richard: “Well you don’t always get what you want. I have a lot of things on my mind and you are not high on my list of priorities right now”. End of conversation, no detail, no “I’m not in a great mood, but baby, it’s not your fault.”

Really? Are you kidding me? Now remember I said she’s hot! Oh, well I meant to. She’s hot as in STOP traffic hot and if that’s not enough, she’s S.M.A.R.T. in capital letters.. Makes her living with numbers for Pete’s sake!!

So anyway, being an avid fan of Sex in the Woods and a good student to boot she got up the next morning, formulated a plan and left Richard a note worthy of his behavior. It went something like this:

“Since you have a lot on your mind and I’m not high on your list of priorities I’ve decided to take the weekend and figure out what MY priorities are”.

THAT’s my girl! No ugly scenes, no ultimatums, no begging for his love. Nope. She wrote just this one incredible sentence and got the heck out of Dodge! Yeah! So what do you think happened when he read said note? Well, first he blamed her for the whole situation. Isn’t that typical? I know women do this, too, but right now we’re talking about men so don’t get on my case, okay? When crappy guys screw up, their first reaction is to point the finger anywhere but at themselves.

Will someone (a man preferably) PLEASE tell me what’s so hard about sucking it up and being a stand up guy?? Is it really THAT hard to say, “Baby, I wasn’t in a good mood last night but I didn’t really mean to take it out on you. Can you forgive me?” Listen, after we picked our outstanding selves off the floor of COURSE we’d forgive you. All you have to do is ask – and then never but NEVER do that thing again. If you keep doing that same crappy thing over and over the “Baby, I’m sorry” spiel gets to be kind of meaningless. Know what I mean?

Anyway, after she called him out on the blame game and he figured out she really was going to stay AWAY from home for the weekend (like she said she was going to do) her crackberry hasn’t stopped dinging! He’s burning up the information hot lines with txt messages, phone calls, pics of himself, etc. Push – Pull. The chase; the hunt.

According to the Bit#h books she is doing just the right thing. And he is responding accordingly. Richard was being a, well, a Richard and Sophie decided to be a bit#h. Now, Sophie is not good at this but luckily for her-her bff IS! Again, we don’t mean for you ladies to be a mean Bit#h, but a sweet, charming, fully capable and independent woman. In fact, Sophie has a number of friends who were ready to give wise counsel and help her hold HIM to HER high standards. It had to be done.

Remember what Dr. Phil said long ago when he was on Oprah’s show? I’ll never forget this incredible, powerful bit of information.. Ladies – read, study, learn, apply. Here it is:

“You teach people how to treat you.” If any of you Sophie’s out there are having trouble with your significant (or not so significant) other perhaps you have taught him how to treat you. Stop it. Do you hear me? STOP it NOW!!! You deserve to be treated well so don’t let ANYone get away with treating you like crap.

We don’t know the details of the final outcome b/c right now she’s still deciding if he’s worth her time and he’s showing her all the reason why he is. Richard did a bad, bad thing and he has to convince Sophie that he will not do that again. His reasons could be many but none are worthy. We cannot speak to our significant others in a less than respectful manner if we expect them to continue to love us. Will she give him another chance? We’ll keep you posted…One thing we know for sure:

Sophie decided she deserved better treatment so she did something really simple to get his attention – she walked out when he wasn’t looking. When he checked out she checked out. When he did the unexpected she did the unexpected. She stood up for herself. She put herself at the top of her priority list since clearly he had taken her off of his.

If you ever find yourself in this situation and don’t know what to say to Richard, I’m gonna go with last weeks closing remarks:
“Feelin Froggy? Jump”.

Prince Charming MARRIES Cinderella…

by Crystal Laramore Lutz


…in an enchanted land far, far away.


Through all the moaning, bellyaching, griping and general bitc#!n& I did last year about Richard; after all the Big A$$ Shiraz in the Continental U.S. was consumed I must admit: it was all worth it to stumble into the arms of my true Prince Charming; the real Prince Charming; the one who DOES what the imposter promised.

My sister, Jacqueline, used to be a big-wig-banking-executive and her analogy for most men she dated was “The real man never shows up until about 3-6 mos. into dating. Nope, until they have you where they want you, they send their representative”. Snicker. Doesn’t this ring true! (BTW, she found her Prince Charming too!)

But when you Cinderellas out there (and we are ALL Cinderella!) meet your Prince Charming (and know how to keep him b/c you’ve been reading the books) he WILL marry you! That is what Princes do. It’s the frogs that kiss us, woo us, whisper sweet nothing’s in our ear, buy us flowers and chocolates and dump us (or prepare us for the dumping) via a text message. But, I’m not bitter.

Now, to be fair, if you are Cinderella and he is kissing and wooing and being generally superficial about the relationship yet you are sleeping in his kingdom without the keys or coloring in the fairy-tale book with his colors-you deserve to be dumped. There is too much coloring going on these days and not enough talking. Oh, shut up frogs!

Cinderella-if he is a Prince-he will want to talk to you. He will want to know your needs and desires (sometimes he’s trying to figure out if he can handle them so don’t have diarrhea of the mouth pls.) He will want to KNOW so he can ACT on this information. Action is the key here. Words mean nothing. Any old frog can croak out, “I love you.”

But, the REAL prince will woo you beyond your wildest imagination. He will listen to what you say. He will pay attention. He will respect your boundaries, so have some! He WANTS to know them because frogs and even princes will test the boundaries. But he also wants to know so he can fulfill your desires. Princes like doing that. They (the princes) get a kick out of making us happy! Anyway, like I said a minute ago – boundaries - get some! And keep them.

And if it’s a commitment you want, he’ll search his kingdom over until he has just the proper jewels to bestow upon you. But, you must have standards and make them known. Prince or frog; neither can read your lovely mind.

When my last frog (oh, I’ve been through many frogs and made ALL the mistakes) showed his ugly warts my Prince Charming Husband was hanging around waiting to pick up the pieces. I did not immediately warm up to him b/c I still had some ugly warts from the frog but, he was persistent. I gave him all the reasons I was not interested in him. I made him read the insanity that had been my life-yes, the same insanity you all read! Still, he was “all-in”. Why? Because he knew a Cinderella when he saw one. He knew how rare they were to find. And being a Prince and all he wasn’t afraid of the big, dark, scary, frightening word “commitment”. No, on the contrary he embraced the thought of happily ever-after with the princess he saw before him.

And let me tell you-I AM his princess. A year later, after an incredible courtship, wedding and honeymoon he is STILL treating me with all the love and respect and admiration a woman could ever hope to wrap her mind around. He IS my number one fan!

Just last night he gave me a hot oil treatment for my hair. (HIS IDEA LADIES) Since the magic potion had to sit for 15 minutes he rubbed my feet with exfoliating lotion and buffed my heels! Oh yeah! Now listen, HE lit the candles and incense and HE channeled Barry White and Aaron Neville through the iPOD.

Amazingly enough, he did all of this KNOWING there was a football game on that he could be watching in HD on the new LED! Oh yes he did! But wait-there’s more. After the hair treatment he poured me a glass of French wine, brought me Belgium dark chocolates, gave me an hour long Swedish massage and whispered sweet nothing’s in my ear.

At some point I vaguely remember asking him “How’d I get so lucky to marry such a good man”? He replied, as any Prince would, “Because you are a good woman”.

So the next time some guy is jerking you around, I have three tiny words for you to say to him: “Feeling froggy? Jump”!

Cindarella Married Her Prince Charming...

Check out the wedding pics at www.kauaiislandweddings.com

Photography

Lutz

Article to follow next week

Throwing Up Pretty, Broken Promises

By Crystal Laramore & Deborah K. Martin

We get letters…we turn them into articles…it’s our job…it’s what we do...call it a public service.

Dear Richard, (They are ALL Richards)

You’d think I’d be done with all the crying in my beer and hanging out at pity parties, what with all those black balloons and sharp objects...

Seriously, it’s been 4 ½ years and how many breakups/breakthroughs? How many times have you, Richard, charmed your way back into my life? How many times, Richard, have I let you? And how stupid does that make ME? (Wait, that’s a subject for another article…)

This time however, is different in some ways. For one, it's the last time. I felt the tension for months before finally bringing up the fact that I believed we made “a mistake”. You quickly agreed and we took it from there. It was all so civilized, wasn’t it ,Richard? We even continued to live in the same house, albeit in separate bedrooms. We didn’t even fight. We laughed. And you even said you felt like a P.O.S. I told you there was no need for you to feel like a P.O.S. But, Richard - I lied. You are and you should.

Why did I ever want to try again with you, Richard, after what you’d put me through before? I think it was those pretty words and your charming nature. Maybe you spiked my Big A$$ Shiraz (BAS) with prozac...We get along so well, you see, that I always find it hard to believe we’re not in love anymore. It’s like that Michael McDonald song “I keep forgettin we’re not in love anymore”. And Oh yes, there was a time when I was stupid-in-love with you. Love of my life, I’d say. Can’t imagine life without him, I’d say. Even though you Richard, never kept your promises and continued to behave like a P.O.S. Why IS that?? Looking back, I say to myself, “Self, what WERE ya thinkin’??” Clearly, not much of MYSELF…

I guess sometimes even a bond with the wrong person can be a very strong one (with enough BAS & Prozac). We have almost 5 years of history between us, some of it very good. But the bad stuff finally outweighed the good stuff. Your drama, your immaturity, your bigotry, your laziness in the relationship? Hard to ignore, but the one thing – the ONE thing Richard - I could no longer ignore was your “the grass is always greener” attitude. That killed it for me. And then I wanted to kill you and with BAS & Prozac lying around, well you can see my dilemma...

You never wanted me when you had me, only when you didn’t or when another relationship went sour. Since you were just as cruel to others I guess I shouldn’t take it personally, but it’s sure hard not to. It feels personal to hear you say, “I’ve FINALLY found someone I can dance with”, when you know that’s my favorite thing to do and you know I’m better than her! Am too! And too much dancing at your age Richard...well let's just say you've been warned.

Another cleverly delivered line was when you moved back to your own place and said, “I’m FINALLY (there’s that word again) home,” after I worked so hard to make OUR home a haven for you. Why do men do that? Why do they just stand there saying stupid $hit, begging to die? It’s like that song in Chicago : one verse goes like this here “And then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife 10 times”.

Anyhoo, it’s hard not to take things personally, Richard, when you continue to beg to come back only to start pulling away as soon as Three Men Movers pulls out of the gate. You loudly proclaim how wrong you were to leave, how simple life is with me and how complicated it is with everyone else – yet you still want someone (it seems anyone) else. Maybe you just have a crush on Three Men Movers. I’ve never been enough for you and that’s a feeling I no longer desire to experience. And where was LOVE in all this 'wanting to come back'?? NOW, with a little help from BAS & Prozac, I remember that you never said you missed me and LOVED me. You only said that I was easy (like Sunday morning?) Well, Richard, that’s no way to build a lifelong relationship.

I want someone who really loves me for who I am and appreciates what I bring to the table, besides the bone-in rib-eyes! For all your lip service, you never appreciated me and I don’t think you really loved me either. You said you did, but honey, words are cheap and plentiful. Without actions to back them up, the words only made me feel insecure. And if you were a real man Richard, you'd want your woman to feel loved and secure. Read that last sentence again, honey! If you were a REAL man, etc.

I'm not one of those “needy” women who have to have a man around to feel happy or complete. Having a good relationship is just a bonus as far as I’m concerned. But a relationship with you was kinda like a cash bonus, here one day gone the next. And when you go, like ya always do, AFTER the crying, AFTER the angst and self-doubt, AFTER the loneliness passes, Richard; I feel just fine. Better than fine. I feel like me again. And ya know what, Richard? I LIKE me and I LIKE life without your drama. I work with women, I have enough drama!

Maybe that’s part of your problem – you thrive on drama but can’t cope with everyday life. These days you’re back to club hopping. Really?! At your age??? (For the reader's he's in his late 50's.) When I’m thinking logically after a couple of bottles of BAS, I know that you are a very unhealthy person emotionally, and not nearly worthy of a terrific woman like me. I also know that if I’m patient with myself everything is going to be okay. If I can just stay away from the knife drawer next time you're near me. The challenge at the moment is getting from here to there; wanting to kill you phase to being ok phase; in case you can't connect the dots all by your selfish, worthless, POS self...oh my, did I say that out loud?

When I asked my best friend, Sophia, why I’m still feeling sad and angry even though I don’t want you back she said this: “It's all those pretty words they spoke from their pretty mouths that we ate up, digested and then had to puke up when they said ‘Sh!t. Never mind.’”

Then she told me to get a lot of BAS and Prozac. Duh! I'm a follower!

Broken promises are sharp like broken glass and hard to keep on the stomach. I guess I’ve still got some puking to do.

Menopause; It Could Happen to You...

by Crystal Laramore

...EVEN IF you are a man! Just go back to Junior High English. Ever heard of the INDIRECT object? Yes, menopause could happen to you directly or INDIRECTLY! When you see it happening and you are not the one it's happening to, keep your mouth shut and step away from the direct object. Put all sharp and blunt, heavy objects away.

SO, there I was in my 20's minding my own business and others' too, when my thirties jumped out at me. Happy to have made it through the acid-trip-like adventure of my 20's I embraced my 30's with a vengeance. So, there I was learning to mind my own business in a land far, far away when my 40's showed up in an explosion of shrapnel and ear-piercing noises. Wait. Those were RPG’s! Anyhooo, life was so full of explosions and heat and young men that I barely noticed the earth shift; just a little shift, but a shift none-the-less.

Currently, I am sneaking up on 45. I don't how to define "I" anymore. The person typing this certainly isn't sneaking up on 45 but somewhere in my knees something is definitely sneaking up on something painful. Maybe that's 45?

When the first tremor hit...I was watching some mind altering television show like Grey's Anatomy or something when I needed to channel surf over to Desperate Housewives (I have goals). As usual I picked up the remote but for some reason known only to the mean gods of hahahahahaha you're getting old; the numbers/letters were blurry.

Inconceivably, I held out the remote and was able to see clearly. Only a couple of nights later I was spending the night with a girlfriend. She was cleaning her face and I was getting ready to watch the news or something when I had an out-of-body-experience. It was like dejavue. It was the whole "why are the letters/numbers so blurry” experience all over again. True to a tragic event I screamed like the girl in the B movies being chased by the blob! Deborah ran out of the bathroom with night cream dripping from her chin to save me with her cotton swab and all she saw was a helpless, frantic woman holding a remote control - close, far, close, far screaming every time it got "far" (b/c it was so much CLEARER!



One day I was again, minding my own business, driving along with the top down singing really loud to Rheana, when I was instantly struck with that hot, flush feeling I got in my 30's when a cute guy walked by or when I put that burn your buns dark tanning lotion on right before I went into the tanning bed for half an hour.

Whew, where did that come from?! I looked in my rear view mirror for the devil cuz I was sure he had finally caught up with me for my bad ways in my 20's. I turned side to side looking for him to be in a motorcycle with a helper in the side car and in a "flash" the heat and my overwhelming I-need-Prozac-paranoia, was gone.

And just two months ago my Aunt Flo forgot to visit. Look, when you've waited on your aunt your whole life and she always shows up then one day she doesn't show up what would YOU do? Me? Well, I bought 8 pregnancy tests and waited till I was about to puke from nerves and my whole staff was going to quit to take them.

Negative? WHAT? Look, my aunt is over two weeks late. Hmm. Well, finally she showed up but is now officially three weeks late AGAIN. Lucky for me I still have 5 pregnancy tests left. Yes, that means I took THREE last time. You can never be tooooo careful about these things.

Additionally over the last several months I’ve noticed black hairs in places no one ever told black hairs were supposed to be. Why are all the women in my family who are older than me such bitche$? Shouldn’t you pass along pertinent information regarding getting older to your young? Your friends? Your siblings? What the hell? It’s so NOT romantic for a man whom you are trying to be romantic with to say, with a contorted facial expression, “OMG! Is that a black hair”? Talk about kill joy!

As a preemptive strike to real therapy, I scheduled an urgent conference call with my best friend Jasmine (while having a hot flash in front of the paint man at Home Depot) who is older and oh so much wiser about such things. Getting older apparently does lots of weird things to your body. Without your permission. Anyway, after laughing hysterically and saying, "Welcome to the club, honey!" she shared her own experiences with little memory lapses, soaked-with-sweat bed sheets and outbursts of temper which were totally foreign to her. One of her relatives, Alexa, is currently going through some of the same things and as a matter of fact is about the same age as I am. Whoever “I” is these days…

We all understand that these things are part of the life process, but Geez Louise, we wish we'd had more warning. I guess it's one of those things that - until you go through it yourself - you just can't quite describe it to others but you sure as heck should try. I now have a whole new understanding of the word “sisterhood”.

Breakin' Up is Hard To Do

By Deborah K. Martin

Sad to say, but these days MOST relationships break up. I hardly know anyone who hasn’t had a breakup of a serious relationship or marriage to include me, my parents, grandparents and one of my sons. I guess you could say I’ve got some bad karma to overcome. Or something like that.

So my question is this: Why is it so hard to do? Break up, that is. Why is it so hard to get a grip and move on? I ask because my two good friends, Sophia and Jasmine, came to me recently with similar dilemmas. They both had bad breakups but are finding it very difficult to get the sorry guy out of their minds and hearts so they can really, truly move on. I can’t tell it as well as they can so I’ll transcribe their stories as told to me.

Sophia came to me recently, in a happy relationship. Yeah, I know, so what’s the problem? Well, her prince charming (note – no capitals) is very charming indeed. He’s one of those guys who seem to LIVE to fulfill your every wish. (Where is good cloning technology when you need it?!) You name it – poof it appears, kind of like a genie in a bottle but the male kind. He adores every little quirky part of Sophia and let me tell you, she’s no shy flower. She says what she means and means what she says. She knows what she wants and she’s not shy about asking for it. I love that about her!

And you know what? HE loves her for it. And she loves him, but she tells me she may not be IN love with him. Why? Because there’s a ghost hanging around who just won’t go away. It’s the ghost of Prince Charming, the one who won her heart even though he turned out to be not so charming after all. Couldn’t hang when the going got a smidge challenging. But he had her heart and he still haunts her. Sophia says sometimes she feels like she’s in the wrong fairy tale.

It’s not that she’s unhappy exactly. She does love the little prince in many ways and they’re even planning a future together. Is she settling? You’d have to ask her. She doesn’t think so and she thinks she may “fall” for the other guy in time, especially considering how much REAL love he’s showering on her these days. Love IS a verb, after all. She just wishes the ghost would go haunt someone else and give her peace.

Then there’s Jasmine. She fell equally hard for her Prince but his flaws turned out to be too much for her poor heart to handle. He’s one of those roguishly charming men who makes a great buddy but a terrible lover and partner. If it’s not ALL about him he completely withdraws. No discussion, no issues. He demands perfection and adoration. Maybe perfect adoration. Of him. Even so, for several years Jasmine gave him chance after chance to do what he SAID he wanted to do. Commit. To her. But he always let her down.

He was never happy with what he had (her), he always wanted something or someone “out there”, but he always wanted to come back and until recently she always took him back because he had her heart. But a funny thing happened over the years. Every time he pulled away, saying he “didn’t know what he wanted” (while already pursuing someone else) she pulled a little bit of her heart back from him until finally, remarkably, miraculously – she wasn’t in love with him anymore.

It reminds me of that movie, “The Breakup” with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughan. Things are horrible between them and she keeps saying she wants him back but when he finally comes to her and tells her he wants to change for her – she realizes it’s too little too late – she no longer feels the same way for him.

Still, Jasmine is like most women, including Sophia. When we commit our hearts to a man, we then set aside a whole story of how life is going to be. We envision our future together and we plan for it. We SHOULD be able to plan for it. All the princes know this and they participate in the story, promising us all kinds of things we wish for. Maybe they want it, too.

When things go wrong, it doesn’t matter why the breakup occurs. We suffer two losses – we lose our companion and we lose the dream and plan for our future. BAM! Gone in an instant! Sometimes I think that’s the hardest part. Companionship is a dime a dozen but that hope for the future with your someone special is unique and sacred.

Sophia and Jasmine lost hope. They lost the dream. They lost a special future. Sophia now has someone who desperately wants to give her the future she desires but a part of her heart is stuck on “the dream” from the frog prince. Jasmine still remembers better days, happier times of laughter and the promise of a lifetime of play together. She knows it will never be so. Not with this man. She’s confident that there is another man out there who WILL fulfill her desires and give her a chance to fulfill his. But he’s not here. Not yet.

These women are in mourning and maybe you are, too. The process is the same whether you are mourning the loss of a job, a spouse, a child or a future. There are stages to go through and my advice to Sophia, Jasmine and to you out there in similar circumstances is to let yourself feel every stage. First comes denial and hopefully it won’t last long. I mean, it is what it is. He’s gone (probably with a new princess) and you’re left here to pick up the pieces. Sounds pretty real to me. Sophia and Jasmine would tell you it feels MUCH too real. And painful.

Then you need to get angry. Go ahead. BE angry. You have a right to your anger. He made promises, didn’t he? If you’re like Sophia and Jasmine you did your dead level best and he didn’t hold up to his end of the bargain. But don’t let your anger simmer too long or you will point it at yourself and that is always destructive.

After anger, your next goal should be to move on to acceptance and gratitude. Remember what Greg Berendt said in “He’s Just Not That Into You” – just because this one isn’t the one that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you so move on until you find the one who IS into you. Once you’ve accepted the demise of this relationship you can begin to be grateful for the good things you once shared and remember them fondly, without the anger and without sadness.

How long does all this take? For each of us the timing is different. My friend Jasmine said it has happened gradually over the years of going in and out of the relationship with the Charmer. Little by little a sisterly fondness overtook the romantic love. I’m not sure Sophia is there yet. Her frog prince bit her pretty bad. All the right words, all the wrong actions. Now she’s got the guy with EVERYthing right and I think she’s a little shell-shocked, like she’s waiting for the other shoe to fall. Only time will heal that wound and overcome the doubt.

I guess that’s really it, then. Time gives us everything. Rest. Distance. Perspective. Wisdom. Healing. As it should be. Life is a circle. When it is broken you have to heal, then take the ends and bend them back together.

Generation WTF?

by Crystal Laramore & Deborah Martin

This story is graphic.

As usual, I watched a taped show of one of my favorite investigative shows this weekend. What was unusual was my response to the show. I watched it Sunday night and I’m still reeling from the story. As the story goes there was a young female college freshman at the age of 17 boozing and carrying on at a big party. So far, so what? Then the young girl takes a pill called ecstasy or X for short. Here’s where the fun begins! The pill makes you feel extra special sexy/sexual. Hmmm. Does a 17 year old female REALLY need a pill for that? Anyway, the pill apparently taught her how to give lap dances. She was drunk and on pills and giving a boy she liked a lap dance.

She told him she wanted to have sex with him. He was probably drinking too, whatcha think? Sometime during all the sexually charged moments they decided, or someone decided for them, they should go to a bedroom. So far I’m not pissed off…but then as the story goes, TEN of his friends go with them into the bedroom. The boy who was the object of the girl’s affection is trying to have sex but gets sick and vomits on her face. She doesn’t really care because she is passed out. Her pants are off but she is dressed other than that. Her underwear is wrapped around her ankle and the boys are lined up to take their turn since their buddy has passed out and cannot finish the job. NOW I’m pissed off!

You tell me where any of this is acceptable starting at TEN of his friends followed them into the bedroom? I don’t care if the young girl was dancing NAKED (which she was not) in front of the boy she liked and I don’t care if he didn’t even like her back-it is UNACCEPTABLE for young men, old men or boys to have sex with a girl who does NOT want to, cannot defend herself, is passed out, under-age, asleep, drugged or whatever adjective you put here. The only time it is acceptable for a male to have sex with a female is when she WANTS him to; when she CONSENTS. Just b/c she is UNABLE to say no does NOT mean she said YES.

Not only were they taking turns having sex with her they were taking turns doing other things at the same time as well. It sickens me. It makes me sad. It pisses me off.

How have we sunk so low as a society that young men think this is acceptable behavior? Where are these boys parents? I've said this before: in all our liberation and tolerance we've lost some very important character traits like honesty and integrity. We've not only lost the ability to refrain from doing what's wrong but also the courage to stand UP for what's right!

I long for the days when a man considered it his job and privilege to protect others. I long for the days when a man actually thought it was MANly to protect a WOman; rib of his ribs. Now, don't get me wrong here. We women can and DO protect ourselves most of the time. But the young woman in this situation was passed OUT and therefore helpless. Where were the boys who would defend this young woman drugged without her knowledge, rendering her incapable of saying NO, not only to her young man but to 10 of his buddies? Are you telling me that not ONE of those young men recognized this situation for what it was? A gang rape.

Why was it left to 3 young women to stop these guys and rescue the girl? These women weren't even friends of hers but they had the courage to break down a door and confront almost a dozen horny, drunken young men!!! Where were the MEN in this situation. I wouldn't call the nearly dozen toads in the room men. REAL men don't stand for the mistreatment of women. Or children. Or old people. Or the mentally or physically impaired. REAL men respect others. In ALL situations.

And someone please, please, please tell me the logic or justice in not charging the three worms who actually ended up raping this helpless girl? Because the young girl couldn't remember the incident? If they'd murdered her she wouldn't remember that either. Call me silly, but I don't see a whole lot of difference here. There were WITNESSES!!!! They could testify to the act, couldn't they? Are we saying now that because she's passed out she's given her consent to whatever happens to her while she's passed out? Not only is that not logical or reasonable - it is inSANE!!!

The Sheriff in this town is a female and she took her evidence to the DA who is also a female. The DA said b/c the young 17 year-old girl could not remember the incident (mabye b/c her blood alcohol level was almost .3) there was not enough evidence to bring it to a grand jury. Really? Wow! If we cannot even get WOMEN to grasp the horror of such acts why should we expect men to? If we cannot as women and sisters of women NOT condone this behaviour, punish this behavior and scream to the top of our lungs that this is unacceptable, then who?

What kind of parents did these kids have anyway? I find it hard to believe that good old mom and dad told little Johnnie that this kind of behavior was A-OK. I'm so angry and disheartened about what this says about our society that I can hardly see straight. I'm certain my blood pressure is up there!

Fathers: Listen to us, hear our hearts; you should be teaching your sons to be our protectors not our predators! My father would call the police and have my brothers arrested himself if they were ever involved in anything like this!

The next part that really angers me is that the mothers of the boys defended them. ARE YOU SERIOUS???? Those boys should have kept it from happening instead of encouraging it and then participating in it.

Parents: Booze, drugs, women, groups = gang mentality

Testosterone is a powerful chemical and when you mix it with booze and drugs it is often dangerous, as dangerous as the booze and the pills...

Parents: YOUR children WILL do these things unless YOU teach them not to.

When A Man Loves A Woman

by Crystal Laramore


“…Can't keep his mind on nothing else. He'll trade the world for the good thing he's found. If she's bad he can't see it. She can do no wrong. Turn his back on his best friend if he put her down.”

Oh, don’t tell me you can’t hear Percy Sledge or Michael Bolton swooning in your ear at this very moment. Everyone on the planet knows THAT song! While women sing along with a far away dreamy look in their eyes I suspect most men may cringe at the unrealistic expectations they believe this song places on their actions.

However, some men out there rise to the challenge. Oh yes they do! We just have to be patient and prepare for their arrival. When I was in my mid-late 20’s I dated that guy who loved me but wasn’t able to provide yet. He professed (see: Act Like a Lady; Think Like A Man) but he wasn’t able to provide or protect at that time and so the time came for me to let him go. The lesson: I learned what it felt like and looked like to be loved; deeply, truly loved. It’s powerful. It’s magic. It’s intoxicating. It’s rare.

The man from my 20’s has been a bench mark for all who followed. I remember actually telling one man, “I know what it feels like to be loved, and this ain’t it”. Actually, it never really was “it” until recently. Some of my past relationships may have had some or many of the ingredients for being “it” but for whatever reasons all the ingredients didn’t get mixed up at the same time so the recipe just didn’t pan out (pun intended!).

Many of you know I recently went through a tragic break-up. The man of the hour was professing all sorts of things. But the moment he professed something other than undying love I made a grave mistake. What I should have done was said “OK” and hung up the phone. Instead I begged, pleaded and rationalized. Then, after several more months of allowing someone to profess one thing (I love you) and do another (not loving me), I finally picked up MY self respect and respectfully bowed out.

Earlier I said we have to be patient and ready (for the right guy). During my period of figuring out “what the hell just happened there” with Jon, I met my fiancée. We met during a period when I could not have cared less about love and neither could he. We had both just come out of unhealthy relationships and had given up on the opposite sex. To be quite honest I had lost my faith in many things and relationships and men were high on that list. So, we chatted with each other across the bar or across the table but I wasn’t really noticing him. As a matter of fact, after our first out-of-the-restaurant time together, I got into my vehicle without so much as a hug goodbye and drove away crying.

We had just had a nice day of riding four-wheelers on his property, rock hunting and hanging out in the barn while it rained. During that rain storm he played one of my favorite Clint Black songs “Like the Rain” and the tears were forming. I couldn’t wait to leave. I wasn’t ready for this. I was still mad at Jon. I was probably mad at God too. Well, I WAS mad at God. Anyway, I told Mr. Nice Guy that I needed to go and he said he would follow me out. At the end of his road I turned right when I should have turned left and he noticed. And, he’s been noticing ever since.

He notices when I’m happy, needy, emotional, hormonal, sick, tired, over-worked, under paid, fed-up, frustrated, in pain, insecure, excited, romantic, loving, caring, nurturing or strung out! He notices EVERYTHING about me. And he noticed that I was not believing in him, or in his words, or in his actions. He noticed I was hurt. He noticed I needed more. He noticed I needed a bona fide commitment; which is why we are engaged today. I told him what it was that was keeping my heart from becoming his and he took care of it. He handled it. He provided. He protected. He professed. And, I noticed.

Now, it took awhile for me to believe in him, but my man loves me. In the beginning he loved enough for both of us. I KNOW he loves me. And that is noticeable. I told him once “I know what it feels like to be loved and this is it”!

I cannot say it enough; “My man loves me”. I can feel it and I can see it. Furthermore, my friends/family can feel it and see it. He told me the other night “I love you on purpose”. Be still my beating heart! OMG! What a romantic thing to say. I was telling him how much I had been bragging on him that week and he just wrapped his arms around me and looked me in the eye and said “I love you on purpose”.

Listen up now, he is serious. He purposefully does the things it takes to make me fall in love with him on a regular basis. He takes care of my needs; physical, emotional, financial; not that I need that much but he helps whenever I do need/want-I have a restaurant you know!

Last week we were both sick with allergies. On Sunday I drove to his house cuz he was pouting that he missed me. We had been apart for several hours you understand. And being the independent confident woman I am, that doesn’t necessarily bother me, but it was bothering him because he was sick so, I drove to see him. He was soooo happy that I came to him that he ran me a bubble bath in the Jacuzzi tub, bathed me, shaved under my arms, shaved my legs, washed my hair, conditioned my hair, rinsed my hair, helped me out of the tub, dried me off, slathered lavender body lotion all over me, helped me into my PJ’s, and put me on a cushy pallet on the sofa and asked in sexy voice “Is there anything else I can do for you before I pass out”?

OK. In one fluid motion, THAT man professed his love for me and solidified his role as my protector and my provider! And he did it all in less than 20 minutes. He did not SAY “I’m sorry you are so sick”. He did not say much at all. He just took care of me! I will ALWAYS remember that act of love. Whenever we have an argument, and I’m sure we will, I will remember that. Yes, I can see the humungous engagement ring on my left hand, but the ring is nothing compared to the nurturing he provides on a daily basis. Oh, I know we are basically honeymooners, but my man does that stuff consistently. It wasn’t a one time peak in performance.

Before you take a step toward marriage take a look at your relationship. If you are the man and you are not loving your woman like this (or similar to it) ask yourself why. It could be just because you are lazy or it could be just b/c you don’t care like you should. But IF you LOVE her, you’ll do it anyway. If you don’t love her, leave her. Let her go. Let her go find the man who will.

Now I know how many ways to Sunday you can excuse yourself for NOT doing the things you should be doing but my man could give those same excuses. He’s raising a six year old daughter by himself. He’s been burned nine ways to Sunday by women. He owns an international corporation. A lot of people depend on him. He drives an hour one way to work. Did I mention he’s raising a six year old? But, he sends me text messages several times a day either professing his love or being funny. He calls a few times a day. We have date night during the week. We talk to each other first thing in the morning and last thing before we close our eyes to go to sleep every night. He helps me with my restaurant, staff and customers. He comes to my house every Friday and does not leave until Monday morning (making himself have to drive an hour to drop of said child at school, another 20 minutes to drop off puppy and switch vehicles and THEN drive another hour to work). So save the excuses.

Look at your relationship. If you are the woman and you are not BEING loved this way (or similar to it) then you should pick up your self-respect and respectfully bow out. Go find the man who will but do not marry the man who won’t or don’t or can’t or…

At 44 years of age I can tell you that no matter how old or young you are the person who will love you is out there. And, “When a man loves a woman, spend his very last dime tryin' to hold on to what he needs. He'd give up all his comfort; sleep out in the rain if she said that's the way it ought to be…

QUEENS AND QUESTIONS

By Crystal Laramore and Deborah K. Martin


People are always asking me how I come up with stuff to write about week after week after week. Are you kidding me? I can barely contain myself sometimes. Especially in the cultural and political climate today!

My thoughts at this moment are:

I am outside on my patio piddling (a Texas word) around and listening to all the controversy surrounding a beauty queen, another kind of queen and a question. Last week the Miss USA beauty pageant was held as usual but the outcome was anything but normal. By the time it was over all hell had broken loose in the media over one question and its answer. What was the question? “Do you believe in gay marriage?”

Believe it or not this question does not have a right or wrong answer like “Is 2+2=4?” There are still quite a few subjects we have a perfect right to disagree on without fear of being criticized, ostracized or blacklisted. Aren’t there? Do we have to water down all our opinions these days for fear of offending someone out there???

The smarmy weasel who asked the question was none other than Perez Hilton, a BLOGGER, for Pete’s sake. His name isn’t even Hilton, its Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr. Exactly what ARE his credentials for judging beauty pageants anyway? He asked a question whose answer he almost certainly already knew. The fact that Miss California is a conservative Christian was well known and he HAD to know this would stir up controversy but he asked it anyway. The little twerp didn’t really want to know what she thought. This was ALL about HIM, and his political agenda.

My gay friend Marty Morales said this: “Perez Hilton did not speak for the whole gay community when he verbally attacked Miss California. Miss California spoke her mind. Is there something wrong with that? Whatever happened to just being you? Good for Miss California for being herself, regardless if I agreed or disagreed with her answer.” Thanks, Marty. Your tolerance is showing, as well as your integrity.

Miss California valued her integrity and her faith more than she valued a crown and a title. Her reply was her opinion based on principles she believes in and frankly a lot of other Americans do as well. No offense to anyone, but marriage HAS a definition. In my New Webster’s Dictionary and Thesaurus marriage is defined thusly: mar-riage n. the institution under which a man and a woman become legally united on a permanent basis.

Now, being that it is 2009 and we are as tolerant as we are I did NOT find that definition on my Microsoft Word dictionary…hmmmm. Seems the definition has changed to “a legal relationship between spouses”. My favorite definition was number 2. specific marriage relationship: a married relationship between two people, or a somebody’s relationship with his or her spouse.

From where I sit high upon my writer’s pedestal I have a few things to say about this:

First of all if you are gay, straight or crooked, I don’t care. There are many gay people, male and female alike, in my circle of influence from family members to customers to great friends; NONE of whom care, or seem to care, what term is given to the union with their partner. So what is all the fuss about on the news and in congress and on the internet? Well, it’s just like anything, there are those on the fringes of all cultures, in all sectors of society, that just cannot relax and let folks be. They scream that they want us to be tolerant but that happens to be the last thing they are. Tolerant, I mean.

But here’s this guy on Utube calling Miss California a cu*t! Are you kidding me? And you wonder why our tolerance is dwindling away. Or do you really?

Once again, marriage has a definition. Let it go. Get another definition for a union between two people who happen to be of the same sex. WE DON”T CARE!!!! Most of us love you no matter what race, religion or sex you happen to be. And, as far as your sexual preferences we straight people really don’t care. Most of us. Again, there are some on the fringes…but don’t worry about the fringes. If you please them on one issue, there will always be another issue for them to gripe about.

You know, I've had a question for gay/lesbian folks for some time. Perhaps some of our readers are of the gay/lesbian persuasion and can enlighten me. Why is it that militant gay people seem to be so defined by their sexuality? I'm straight and no one cares about my sex life. Why should I care about yours? Aren't we ALL more than that part of our lives which takes up so little actual time? I'm just curious.

Back to other issues; I can see a legitimate issue for gay couples. When my gay friend Marty had surgery, the hospital staff didn’t want his partner, Shaun Carter, to come back to support him while he was waiting. Why? He wasn’t “family”. Actually, this can be an issue for straight couples sometimes. Sandra Bullock was asked why she married Jesse James and her answer was a light bulb moment for me. He had a motorcycle accident and as he was being put into the ambulance she realized just how powerless she was. Here they were, partners for life, but she had no legal rights whatsoever in determining his care, simply because they were not legally married.

That’s the complaint I hear from gay and lesbian friends and I have to agree. We can call the institution something else if we want to. We can disagree on whether it’s “right” to be gay. We can disagree on whether people were born that way or “made” gay at some point. Meanwhile, many people make a lifetime commitment without the ability to make life and death decisions for and with the person who means more to them than anyone else. Is that fair?

There are people of integrity on both sides of this issue and then there are others who use their status as a bludgeon against those who disagree. Seems like my friends Sean & Marty and Miss California have a lot in common even though they are on opposite sides of this issue. She stated that her answer was her opinion and though she didn’t wish to offend anyone and wasn’t angry with anyone, she had to be true to herself. Marty confirmed that he believed in her right to her opinion (and maybe even the crown?) even if he didn’t agree. He didn’t withhold approval of her just because he disagreed with her.

And in the end it doesn’t matter of Perez Hilton is gay or straight. He’s a sleazy opportunist and don’t we have those in every sector of society? Doesn’t sleaze cross all sectors of society? Likewise, don’t we have courageous role models who are male, female, gay, straight, black, white, Christian, Muslim, atheist? I haven’t always held a high opinion of beauty queens but this year I’m glad one had the poise and courage to speak up for what she believed in. We should all try to follow her example; gay, straight OR crooked!

Howlin’ @ the Moon!

By Crystal Laramore

Research can be a daunting task, just ask any researcher. And, let’s be clear; taking one person’s ideas and claiming them as your very own is plagiarism. Period. Taking many people’s ideas, rearranging them, THEN claiming them as your very own is called research! OK. Anyway, while researching one of my favorite topics, relationships, I came across a book titled, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man”. I grabbed up said book at Barnes & Noble and stowed it in my carry-on savoring it for my girl’s only trip to México.

My girlfriend, Dr. Deanna Foster has a house in Puerto Vallarta (you can stay there too: www.suenotropical.com). If you are a frequent visitor and you also happen to be very cool, like my friend Peggy Peterson, you know and refer to it simply as PV. Sometimes, I am fortunate enough to get to travel to PV and hang out there for small sums of money. And, since I only have small sums…

This time we (meaning SHE) decided no men, just us. A great week of journaling (which I bet the men are pissed they missed out on), reflection, sun-bathing au natural, self-discovery (which has nothing to do with sun-bathing au natural…it’s not like that, its INNER self-discovery), exercise and shopping which is of course is a form of exercise!

The great thing about Casa Sueno Tropical #194, is Christina and Ana! When you arrive the doors are always open so the first thing you see upon your arrival is the spectacular view of the Pacific Ocean. Drop your bags at the door and head on out to the south veranda b/c they will have fresh guacamole, pico and homemade tostada chips waiting for you. And, when you are ready, (and you do need to “ready” yourself) Christina makes your fresh, homemade margarita! One, toooo, phree, I’m a goner!

Today I arrived early so I grabbed the research goods and headed off to the south veranda to do some “research”. I don’t think tequila and thinking/good motor skills go so well together…I hadn’t even opened the darn book …when I was spilling the phird margarita everywhere, even on the book itself. Ahh maaannn, now the pages are swelled up and smell like a tequila factory.

I should take a nap. Ahhh, I see a hammock. Big yawn.

And just to be clear, my other favorite subject is politics which is why my last several articles have been on that very topic. But alas, I was tiring of the subject and ready to get back to the sex talk. The reason I love the topic of relationships so much is b/c they are so hard to understand. We have a man and we have a woman and the two are supposed to but, never really do, unite in total freaking total bliss till the end of flipping time. Gimme a break! God must be a comedian. It’s got to be the original occupation. And He apparently became so enamored with His very own wit; He thought He should spread the good cheer. Oh joy! Some jokes you should just keep to yourself. Couldn’t He have come up with something less sadistic than trying to make a man and a woman live “happily” ever after? He IS God for Peter’s sake!

I’m a little drunken. And sleepy. I should pick this up again tomorri-oh. Nighty, night.

Day two of research project in México not going much better than day one. However, I did not; I repeat I did NOT have tequila for breakfast. Snicker. I had coffee. With tequila. Not really. Snicker.

At some point after margaritas and a siesta, my girlfriend and I were discussing our current and past relationship experiences (cuz that’s what we came for, might as well get it out of the way and head to Yelapa!) and we decided that not being totally 100% over the moon for a man is probably quite healthy. And attractive.

Does tequila really make your clothes fall off?

Seriously, think about the last time you were 100% over the moon for a man…that’s enough time. How did you behave? Did you howl when he didn’t call for 3 hours? Did you bark at him when he finally, after all those hours of making you wait, did call? Did your fangs show every time he looked at another woman or mentioned another woman’s name? Did your hind legs kick back and forth every time he showed you a little attention? Did you immediately roll over so he could rub your tummy? Did you slobber every time he showed up and opened a door for you? Did you lick him constantly just because he was there? Did you growl during sex? Did you attack him when he said you were too needy?

If you answered “no” to any of these questions then you’re a liar and you are not ready for a healthy relationship. Put down the paper and step away from the denial. When you are ready, come back to us and we can help you.

Anyhoo, Dr. Foster and I were discussing the past and present and decided we are much more attractive in our current state of “If he stays he stays. If he goes he goes”. Not that we wouldn’t be sad if he left, not that we don’t love them to pieces, not that we don’t really, really want to be with them; it’s just that we wouldn’t fall off the moon and need to be gorilla glued back together if they left.

And THAT ladies is how our men need us to be. They may not know or admit it, but that’s the way they want us as well. Because as soon as we jump over the said moon emotionally, we are no longer attractive; we are needy. And, most importantly, the challenge is gone. Yes, I said challenge. Men can tell you they are simple little creatures till the wolves quit howling at the moon, but they want a challenge. Never, ever forget it. It not their fault. It’s the testosterone. Build it up. Tear it down. They will build up a relationship up until the moment they know, beyond a moon’s shadow of a doubt they have you 100% and then they will set about tearing it down. It’s all a challenge.

Now, what they don’t need you challenging is their manhood, or their paychecks or their authority as man of the house but, they DO need a sparring life-partner. If you don’t have an edge, get one and don’t fall off of it. Be a self-assured woman not a howling bit#h.

"Good-Bye to You"!

Has everyone recovered from my broken heart? Did you at least get some laughs and tips from my pain? The experience was peppered with moments of down-right sobbing followed closely by moments of hysterical laughter. I probably was in dire need of meds. However, when I would sit down to write and just get it all out there, I’d most times begin in the midst of an ugly cry and end feeling victorious! My keyboard, my publisher, my editors and my confidantes are all angelic and served as the best medicine I could not afford. Plus, there was all that Big-A$$ Shiraz!

When panicked friends began calling, wondering if the cliff I wrote about was real or imagined and whether or not I was on the edge of it, I decided I needed to back off writing about my woes for awhile. Even Richard called and said he was sad that I had put his real name on the blog…R U kidding me? HE was sad??? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. And was looking to me for help??? And THAT folks is why we call ‘em Richard!

Truth be told, I’ve been doing rather well. All those articles that took several weeks to get in print took all of about two days to write! Great music, poetry, art, etc. sometimes comes from great tragedy; especially when over the top, drama queens are the ones in the midst of the tragedy!

Richard and I parted ways and as the old saying goes, when the devil slams one door shut in your face, God opens another…or something like that. So in the summer I met a nice man and, when I finally let go, completely let go all the way I SAW the nice man. Listen, when I say let go all the way I mean I deleted the emails, the txt msgs, the saved emails, the saved txt msgs, I deleted the email address, the phone numbers and I mailed the box of “stuff” - without going through it and saving a “piece of him”. Actually, I had one of my employees mail the box; no sense wasting good energy on a bad memory, snicker. And, most importantly, I quit saying to myself and all my friends “But he said” and I started paying attention to what he did. And what he did was wrong.

Basically, I took my own advice and advice from The Bit*h books and the many other books I read between bottles of BAS and therapy sessions with AC and Deb. At some point we HAVE to let go, for the sake of our friends/family. Laura, Jacqueline, Sue, Tina, my endless stream of customers who are friends and even the squirrels outside were life savers. But after several months of wallowing in self-pity, I was afraid they were going to have to start self-medicating! And that scared me b/c what if their drug of choice was BAS??? What if the supply ran low??? Crap. New game plan…Anyway, you can’t have your friends teetering on the edge when you are on the edge, there’s not enough room. The edge is thin. But, even people with the intestinal fortitude of the Hulk can only handle so much of YOUR pain! It can only be all about you for so long. Sorry. We must share the cliff.

Getting back on the proverbial horse after it’s pitched you over the cliff and slung you in the mud (I’m a self-proclaimed drama queen, just enjoy the craftiness) and dragged you through the forest is scary. I mean scary as in Jason is staring at you through the window that is not locked and YOU left your gun in the truck kind of scary. (If you’re old, Jason is the scary dude in all the Friday the 13th Halloween movies.) But I just reached in my grab bag and pulled out the book Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway.

Greg was the first casualty in my post-Richard dating experience. He was tall, good-looking and nice enough. He did bring the restaurant a Christmas tree. I was going to ignore Christmas. Poor customers. Greg also didn’t call to tell me he was going to be really late for one of our dates. He didn’t know I had a really low tolerance for Richards. I never answered anymore of his calls. And yes, he’s still calling. Poor Greg.

There were a few other men I spoke with a couple of times but there was only one man who seemed to ignore conversations with me dripping in sarcasm and bitterness. For some reason, known only to the romance gods, this man kept coming back to see me - weekend after weekend after weekend. He saw through the pain and anger. And one day, after he got to know me a little and was pretty sure I wasn’t really, all the way crazy, he asked me out on a real date. So there I was, just like that, on a real date with a really great man. I was taking the ends, bending the line, re-connecting the ends and starting all over.

There’s more to come about this man and the healing process. For now I’ll tell all of you in heart-break land that there is life after Richard or Sophia. And, that life is probably much better than the one that has you self-medicating. So, I’ve put down the Big A** Shiraz bottle and replaced it with a much better wine. I’ve put down the betrayal of Richard and replaced it with hope and love and a much better man, my forever man.

Ohhh Santa!

28 December 08


By Crystal Laramore


Ohhh Santa!

Sooooo. Was everybody good this year? Did you all get what you wanted for Christmas? Did you get something you didn’t even know you wanted? Hopefully everyone had a surprise or two in their stocking. And for all you mean people out there…well, we hope you got what you deserve as well.

What about giving? Did you give some special gifts? Did you give some funny gifts? Those are my favorite. I love finding that perfect funny gift that makes me LOL IN the store! I gave my sister a compact mirror that read: Eat, Drink & Remarry! LOL! LOL! LOL!

I wonder if anyone who’s been reading my Blogs can guess what my predominant gift was this year to give-to my girlfriends… I’ll give you a hint: It was a book…Ok, I gave out several copies of “Why Men Love Bit*hes”. I giggled soooo much giving out those books to my girlfriends. And guys don’t get your tinsel in a tangle. Bit*h isn’t defined as you might think. No one wants to be around a traditional bit*h, but everyone wants to be around a self-assured woman who is not a doormat. Get the book. If you are a man, get the book for your woman. Or your daughter. Or your sister. Or your mother…

Face Book gave me an unexpected gift; they took a stand against women showing themselves breast-feeding their babies on their site. What IS the point of showing the world (what should be) a private moment between a woman and her newborn baby? No it’s NOT porn but some sicko out there will certainly turn something beautiful into something ugly. What is the big deal about keeping it off the big screen? Are we that narcissistic? Is there ANYTHING left (apparently not for the Left) that we want to keep sacred and private?

But I digress…a long time ago a woman I worked with was getting new carpet in her house for Christmas and the look on my face could have doubled on a horror flick. How impersonal! Doesn’t HE get to use the carpet TOO? Anyway it was what she wanted. It took me over twenty years to appreciate that. This Christmas I got an ice machine! Not only did mama get a brand new ice machine but also, Santa kicked the mean ice machine-man out of my restaurant! It was great! Scrooge vs. Santa. Santa won!

Another great Christmas gift I received this year was a box of Blue Diamond Organic crackers. Glutton-free too! I don’t really know what glutton is, but I do know it’s some really good stuff! So, whatever the Blue Diamond people are putting in their crackers, to make up for taking out the glutton, its working. I’ve been coveting my girlfriend Kathy’s crackers (no, not her big-a$ house, just her crack-ers) for so long that she bought me 87 boxes of various flavors of these addictive crack(hmmm)ers. Secretly, Kathy must wonder if I’m there to visit her or the crack-ers…I DO spend a lot of time in her pantry. Anyway, the presents you never even thought of are the ones that mean the most. I certainly think she was LOL IN the store!

Just a little side note: In all fairness, Kathy owes me all the crack-ers I can eat in my lifetime. When I was sad, depressed and barely hanging on by my chewed up fingernails, doing the ugly cry on the freeway one Sunday evening, I pulled over to pull it together and called my “friend” Kathy. See, when you are depressed you need to know where all of your friends live and you need to know all of their addictions so you can choose who will best fit your needs at any particular point in your meltdown/healing process. This particular night I needed wine and since my sister was and hour and half south, I called Kathy. And women all around the world know the ugly-must have wine- cry when they hear it.

And you need to choose girlfriends with really great husbands too. Ron (Kathy’s husband) built us a fire, told me what a *&(^%$ Richard was, drank a little wine (not too much or we’ll get pissed off that you’re into our stash) with us and then politely dismissed himself so we could trash the male species as a whole.

After we drank the case, err, I mean a few bottles of wine, Kathy showed me to my suite and made sure I was still breathing before she closed the door. When I awoke the next morning, sleepy, groggy and following the scent of coffee, I staggered down the long hallway to the great room. The 47 dogs she has rescued surrounded me and before I could really think I heard one of the dogs squawking really loud. Hmmm. What a strange noise to be coming from a dog…then I looked up just in time to see a 10-foot span of green feathers flying at me-Ahhh the squawking seems to be coming from the moving green thing-And the moving green thing is on my freaking head-BITING my freaking ear! Have you ever heard that girl that’s about to be killed in Friday the 13th scream? Well, Arthur did. I think it was the blood-curdling scream I had needed to get out for a while anyway. Pain and relief at the same time….Ahhhhh. So, for Christmas Arthur got a bullet from me, and it sits on top of his cage. Snicker.

Another great gift was the Copenhaver’s. On Saturday I had the door locked after lunch and Santa must have unlocked it just for Barry & Judy Copenhaver. We drank a few beers and visited and then they were off. They are the couple I wrote the “Respect” article about. I served with their daughter Jill in Baghdad, Iraq. Keep up. And on Tuesday Jill followed suit and the visit was complete!

Anyway, the most important gifts come from the heart. And I gave myself a gift as well; the gift of letting go. Richard got a Dear Jon (that is funnier than most of you know!) letter and I mailed “The Box”. The great thing about letting go is you can look back and realize that what you had wasn’t what you thought you were getting anyway. All the advice from your friends and family finally, after all those tears, makes sense. When the smoke signals settled and the wild look in my eyes calmed down, when the wild kitties and squirrels felt it was safe to return, I was able to look at the man I was crying over and realize I was crying over the idea of him, not him. People can tell you a lot of things but actions really do speak louder than words. Ladies, Gentlemen, KNOW what you want. And know when the show is over.

For decades I’ve told thousands of people, “Until you let go of the negative (no matter if it’s a job or a partner or a friend, or glutton…) you cannot make room for the positive”. As soon as I let go of the negative, the positive was right there; the positive energy, the positive thought process, the positive people, etc. “Let go and let God” is not just a pretty little phrase. It’s what I did and I’m grateful, soooo grateful for the people God put in my life to help me through such a difficult time. Ok, THEY may not be so grateful, but sacrifices do have to be made in the name of love and friendship! And thank GOD they love me!

I spent some time looking back over some of their wisdom-filled emails they wrote over the last several months and just LMAO! What’s that song…”I can see clearly now the rain is gone…”? It’s like Dah! And really (truly) I’m not bitter… Bitterness leads to Botox people!

Merry Christmas AC, Deb, Laura, Greg, Jacqueline, Kathy, Ron, Dale (AKA Santa), Bill, Bob and yes, even you Richard.

Match.com: 120.00/year

Dinner with an idiot: Free

Letting go: Priceless