Faith, Hope & Love

Written 24 March 2010

…“And the greatest of these is love”

Really? Then why aren’t more people doing it? You know, demonstrating love. Now, when I say “people” I mean couples. This is a relationship column you understand. There is not a week that goes by that I do not either, a. hear about or, b. see for myself, couples destroying each other or one mate trying to destroy the other.

Destruction comes in many forms: It’s the way you comment on your partner’s weight, hair, eyes, wrinkles, career, etc. The list is endless. And as my mother always said “Sometimes it’s not what you say but, the way you say it”. Remember the little rhyme we all learned in grade school “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”? Not true. They need to quit teaching it. Healing from someone throwing a stick at us is far easier than healing from the insulting, humiliating, non-loving word.

Now just b/c someone is not physically abusive does not mean that they aren’t abusive; emotional abuse is just as bad. ALL couples argue. Choose your words carefully. Once they are out there… You may forget what you say but I can promise you the person on the receiving end does not forget. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again “You are either lifting someone up or you are tearing them down.” Partners are supposed to - actually they VOW to - lift each other up and to love each other in good times and bad. The character of a person is measured in how they behave in bad times not when everything is smooth sailing.

If you find yourself in a situation where your partner is suddenly behaving differently than normal you may want to take a good long look at the relationship. If there is a change in the way they look at you, touch you, speak to you or the way they treat you in general, beware: this is a sign of indifference and maybe even an affair. Do your best to isolate the problem and solve it. However, if your mate continues being abusive or unfaithful, there comes a time when the love you once felt is destroyed and the safest thing (for your emotional, physical and spiritual sanity) to do is to remove yourself from the abusive situation.

When the respect and trust are gone it’s an uphill battle to repair the relationship. But, the good news is that it is repairable; with God all things are possible. However, each person must re-evaluate their priorities and your priority in a relationship is your mate. Whether you are dating or married. Your priority is not your children or your job; God first, family second and career third. If you do what is morally right, your family and your career will take care of themselves. No one ever said on their death bed “Gee, I wish I would have spent more time at the office.”

Our job in a relationship is to make the other person feel loved, respected, supported, trusted and most of all secure. When someone feels all of these things from someone they love and care about, the world is theirs to conquer; women as well as men.

It breaks my heart to hear about good people being mistreated by the one they love. Additionally, it is also hard to hear how hard people try to save a sinking ship. My cousin’s marriage counselor once said “Sometimes, there is just too much water under the bridge.” Don’t you think that’s true? Some things are worth holding onto and some things are worth letting go of. You just have to know when to let go. You cannot hang onto the ladder when it is being pulled under by the weight of the ship or you go down into the abyss with it. You cannot hang on at the detriment of your soul and your sanity when the other person in the relationship refuses to be part of a Godly relationship – one based on God and love, not on selfish desires.

And if you are the one doing the abusing, why not at least be considerate enough to let the other person go? God gave each of us free will. We CANNOT control what another person does. Sometimes we stay b/c what they say is what we want to hear. But what are they doing? It’s the actions not the words we must take heed to. Love is an action. If someone loves you, you know it. If they don’t you know that too. You may not want to admit it, but you know it.

Years ago I witnessed my friend’s husband die of a heart attack right I front of us. Theirs was a holy, loving, patient, passionate relationship. She was so angry and mad at him for leaving her that she finally sought counseling. She said she had never been so angry. During her healing process her therapist said that this was actually easier than being that much in love and them leaving you (an affair or just ending the relationship). Because then they choose to leave you and that is a personal rejection which is harder to absorb than death; not that either are easy. Just some food for thought…

Life is a gift to us from God. What we do with our life is our gift back to Him.

Relationships are difficult at best. Two people living in one house. Two totally separate states of emotions and thought processes. And at a later stage in life you have a lot of old baggage you are bringing into a new relationship. There are a lot of one liners I can throw in here; “Seek first to understand and then to be understood”, “Be still and know that I am God”, “Seek ye first the kingdom of Heaven”, “Rome wasn’t built in a day”, “To know love is to show love”, etc. But it all boils down to love doesn’t it? The Bible says “Love thy neighbor”. My pastor says that your neighbor is whoever is right next to you. I try my best to apply that analogy. Do I always succeed? No. But I try and I also try to grasp when I’m not trying hard enough. It takes a lot of will power and a lot of breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth. It takes faith.

Whenever I’m around a couple who is in love and demonstrating love, I want what they have. Don’t you? Then do everything in your power to obtain it; pray, meditate, love, forgive, forget, remind yourself of something, leave, stay, whatever it is you need to do-just do it. But find love and hang on to love. Bitterness, anger, jealousy, hatred, etc. all come from somewhere but, it is not from God and it is not from a place of love.

Similar to our freedom, love is one of those emotions we human beings cannot live without. We crave love like we crave our favorite dessert when we’re on a diet. And if you are in a healthy partnership, you feel free and you feel loved but moreover you want the other person to feel free and to feel loved.

I’ve been loved before and I know what it feels like. Do you? If so, remember that feeling and go find The One who is worthy of your love and who desires to give it right back to you.

Faith, hope and love. And, the greatest of these is love.

Sophie & Richard Sittin’ In A Tree…

by Crystal Laramore

Edited by Deborah K. Martin


…F-u-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes moving in without an engagement ring, wedding date, promise or picture of one. Then comes Richard with a chain saw, cuts off her limb and there she is-on her butt on the cold, hard, damp ground-alone.

But enough about why you shouldn’t let him have the milk without buying the cow.

Anyhoo…my bff Sophia is dating Richard. Now, as I’ve expressed in previous articles, I do not have crappy, ugly, homeless, unemployed, mean, psychotic or dumb girlfriends; which, of course, means that Sophia is beautiful, smart, gainfully employed, mostly rational and is certainly not crappy.

One recent seemingly normal evening Sophia or Sophie as we call her crawled into bed and snuggled up to Richard for some warmth and coloring. Richard’s response was “What do you want”? Sophie: “Some attention”. Richard: “Well you don’t always get what you want. I have a lot of things on my mind and you are not high on my list of priorities right now”. End of conversation, no detail, no “I’m not in a great mood, but baby, it’s not your fault.”

Really? Are you kidding me? Now remember I said she’s hot! Oh, well I meant to. She’s hot as in STOP traffic hot and if that’s not enough, she’s S.M.A.R.T. in capital letters.. Makes her living with numbers for Pete’s sake!!

So anyway, being an avid fan of Sex in the Woods and a good student to boot she got up the next morning, formulated a plan and left Richard a note worthy of his behavior. It went something like this:

“Since you have a lot on your mind and I’m not high on your list of priorities I’ve decided to take the weekend and figure out what MY priorities are”.

THAT’s my girl! No ugly scenes, no ultimatums, no begging for his love. Nope. She wrote just this one incredible sentence and got the heck out of Dodge! Yeah! So what do you think happened when he read said note? Well, first he blamed her for the whole situation. Isn’t that typical? I know women do this, too, but right now we’re talking about men so don’t get on my case, okay? When crappy guys screw up, their first reaction is to point the finger anywhere but at themselves.

Will someone (a man preferably) PLEASE tell me what’s so hard about sucking it up and being a stand up guy?? Is it really THAT hard to say, “Baby, I wasn’t in a good mood last night but I didn’t really mean to take it out on you. Can you forgive me?” Listen, after we picked our outstanding selves off the floor of COURSE we’d forgive you. All you have to do is ask – and then never but NEVER do that thing again. If you keep doing that same crappy thing over and over the “Baby, I’m sorry” spiel gets to be kind of meaningless. Know what I mean?

Anyway, after she called him out on the blame game and he figured out she really was going to stay AWAY from home for the weekend (like she said she was going to do) her crackberry hasn’t stopped dinging! He’s burning up the information hot lines with txt messages, phone calls, pics of himself, etc. Push – Pull. The chase; the hunt.

According to the Bit#h books she is doing just the right thing. And he is responding accordingly. Richard was being a, well, a Richard and Sophie decided to be a bit#h. Now, Sophie is not good at this but luckily for her-her bff IS! Again, we don’t mean for you ladies to be a mean Bit#h, but a sweet, charming, fully capable and independent woman. In fact, Sophie has a number of friends who were ready to give wise counsel and help her hold HIM to HER high standards. It had to be done.

Remember what Dr. Phil said long ago when he was on Oprah’s show? I’ll never forget this incredible, powerful bit of information.. Ladies – read, study, learn, apply. Here it is:

“You teach people how to treat you.” If any of you Sophie’s out there are having trouble with your significant (or not so significant) other perhaps you have taught him how to treat you. Stop it. Do you hear me? STOP it NOW!!! You deserve to be treated well so don’t let ANYone get away with treating you like crap.

We don’t know the details of the final outcome b/c right now she’s still deciding if he’s worth her time and he’s showing her all the reason why he is. Richard did a bad, bad thing and he has to convince Sophie that he will not do that again. His reasons could be many but none are worthy. We cannot speak to our significant others in a less than respectful manner if we expect them to continue to love us. Will she give him another chance? We’ll keep you posted…One thing we know for sure:

Sophie decided she deserved better treatment so she did something really simple to get his attention – she walked out when he wasn’t looking. When he checked out she checked out. When he did the unexpected she did the unexpected. She stood up for herself. She put herself at the top of her priority list since clearly he had taken her off of his.

If you ever find yourself in this situation and don’t know what to say to Richard, I’m gonna go with last weeks closing remarks:
“Feelin Froggy? Jump”.

When A Man Loves A Woman

by Crystal Laramore


“…Can't keep his mind on nothing else. He'll trade the world for the good thing he's found. If she's bad he can't see it. She can do no wrong. Turn his back on his best friend if he put her down.”

Oh, don’t tell me you can’t hear Percy Sledge or Michael Bolton swooning in your ear at this very moment. Everyone on the planet knows THAT song! While women sing along with a far away dreamy look in their eyes I suspect most men may cringe at the unrealistic expectations they believe this song places on their actions.

However, some men out there rise to the challenge. Oh yes they do! We just have to be patient and prepare for their arrival. When I was in my mid-late 20’s I dated that guy who loved me but wasn’t able to provide yet. He professed (see: Act Like a Lady; Think Like A Man) but he wasn’t able to provide or protect at that time and so the time came for me to let him go. The lesson: I learned what it felt like and looked like to be loved; deeply, truly loved. It’s powerful. It’s magic. It’s intoxicating. It’s rare.

The man from my 20’s has been a bench mark for all who followed. I remember actually telling one man, “I know what it feels like to be loved, and this ain’t it”. Actually, it never really was “it” until recently. Some of my past relationships may have had some or many of the ingredients for being “it” but for whatever reasons all the ingredients didn’t get mixed up at the same time so the recipe just didn’t pan out (pun intended!).

Many of you know I recently went through a tragic break-up. The man of the hour was professing all sorts of things. But the moment he professed something other than undying love I made a grave mistake. What I should have done was said “OK” and hung up the phone. Instead I begged, pleaded and rationalized. Then, after several more months of allowing someone to profess one thing (I love you) and do another (not loving me), I finally picked up MY self respect and respectfully bowed out.

Earlier I said we have to be patient and ready (for the right guy). During my period of figuring out “what the hell just happened there” with Jon, I met my fiancée. We met during a period when I could not have cared less about love and neither could he. We had both just come out of unhealthy relationships and had given up on the opposite sex. To be quite honest I had lost my faith in many things and relationships and men were high on that list. So, we chatted with each other across the bar or across the table but I wasn’t really noticing him. As a matter of fact, after our first out-of-the-restaurant time together, I got into my vehicle without so much as a hug goodbye and drove away crying.

We had just had a nice day of riding four-wheelers on his property, rock hunting and hanging out in the barn while it rained. During that rain storm he played one of my favorite Clint Black songs “Like the Rain” and the tears were forming. I couldn’t wait to leave. I wasn’t ready for this. I was still mad at Jon. I was probably mad at God too. Well, I WAS mad at God. Anyway, I told Mr. Nice Guy that I needed to go and he said he would follow me out. At the end of his road I turned right when I should have turned left and he noticed. And, he’s been noticing ever since.

He notices when I’m happy, needy, emotional, hormonal, sick, tired, over-worked, under paid, fed-up, frustrated, in pain, insecure, excited, romantic, loving, caring, nurturing or strung out! He notices EVERYTHING about me. And he noticed that I was not believing in him, or in his words, or in his actions. He noticed I was hurt. He noticed I needed more. He noticed I needed a bona fide commitment; which is why we are engaged today. I told him what it was that was keeping my heart from becoming his and he took care of it. He handled it. He provided. He protected. He professed. And, I noticed.

Now, it took awhile for me to believe in him, but my man loves me. In the beginning he loved enough for both of us. I KNOW he loves me. And that is noticeable. I told him once “I know what it feels like to be loved and this is it”!

I cannot say it enough; “My man loves me”. I can feel it and I can see it. Furthermore, my friends/family can feel it and see it. He told me the other night “I love you on purpose”. Be still my beating heart! OMG! What a romantic thing to say. I was telling him how much I had been bragging on him that week and he just wrapped his arms around me and looked me in the eye and said “I love you on purpose”.

Listen up now, he is serious. He purposefully does the things it takes to make me fall in love with him on a regular basis. He takes care of my needs; physical, emotional, financial; not that I need that much but he helps whenever I do need/want-I have a restaurant you know!

Last week we were both sick with allergies. On Sunday I drove to his house cuz he was pouting that he missed me. We had been apart for several hours you understand. And being the independent confident woman I am, that doesn’t necessarily bother me, but it was bothering him because he was sick so, I drove to see him. He was soooo happy that I came to him that he ran me a bubble bath in the Jacuzzi tub, bathed me, shaved under my arms, shaved my legs, washed my hair, conditioned my hair, rinsed my hair, helped me out of the tub, dried me off, slathered lavender body lotion all over me, helped me into my PJ’s, and put me on a cushy pallet on the sofa and asked in sexy voice “Is there anything else I can do for you before I pass out”?

OK. In one fluid motion, THAT man professed his love for me and solidified his role as my protector and my provider! And he did it all in less than 20 minutes. He did not SAY “I’m sorry you are so sick”. He did not say much at all. He just took care of me! I will ALWAYS remember that act of love. Whenever we have an argument, and I’m sure we will, I will remember that. Yes, I can see the humungous engagement ring on my left hand, but the ring is nothing compared to the nurturing he provides on a daily basis. Oh, I know we are basically honeymooners, but my man does that stuff consistently. It wasn’t a one time peak in performance.

Before you take a step toward marriage take a look at your relationship. If you are the man and you are not loving your woman like this (or similar to it) ask yourself why. It could be just because you are lazy or it could be just b/c you don’t care like you should. But IF you LOVE her, you’ll do it anyway. If you don’t love her, leave her. Let her go. Let her go find the man who will.

Now I know how many ways to Sunday you can excuse yourself for NOT doing the things you should be doing but my man could give those same excuses. He’s raising a six year old daughter by himself. He’s been burned nine ways to Sunday by women. He owns an international corporation. A lot of people depend on him. He drives an hour one way to work. Did I mention he’s raising a six year old? But, he sends me text messages several times a day either professing his love or being funny. He calls a few times a day. We have date night during the week. We talk to each other first thing in the morning and last thing before we close our eyes to go to sleep every night. He helps me with my restaurant, staff and customers. He comes to my house every Friday and does not leave until Monday morning (making himself have to drive an hour to drop of said child at school, another 20 minutes to drop off puppy and switch vehicles and THEN drive another hour to work). So save the excuses.

Look at your relationship. If you are the woman and you are not BEING loved this way (or similar to it) then you should pick up your self-respect and respectfully bow out. Go find the man who will but do not marry the man who won’t or don’t or can’t or…

At 44 years of age I can tell you that no matter how old or young you are the person who will love you is out there. And, “When a man loves a woman, spend his very last dime tryin' to hold on to what he needs. He'd give up all his comfort; sleep out in the rain if she said that's the way it ought to be…