Soft Porn

by Crystal Laramore

Yesterday was a first for me. I had a small role in a soft porn film.

Casting calls started at 8 am so they wanted everyone there early to fill out the paperwork/waivers. Plus, aren’t we ALL thinner in the morning! They had a questionnaire as well. Some strange questions - probably more for those women who have never starred in a soft porn film before. The nature of the questions sort of gets you prepared for how the set will appear and exactly what will be expected of you and how many people will be in each scene with you.

Example of questions:

Do you touch your breasts often?

Do you touch one breast more than the other?

Does anyone else touch your breast (hopin, and wishin and prayin)

Anyway, they called MY name! Yeah! I followed the young girl with the clipboard (full of previous pictures of me, I’m sure!) into the room.

The Director, Charity (those names they pick!), came in to gloss over my paperwork and black & white pics and ask me a few pertinent questions: “Are you of age? Have you ever done this sort of thing before? Are you nervous?”

Finally, she sent me to the dressing room and gave me my first costume change. Of course it was a long dress that opened in the front with only a thread of a closure.

When I came out I noticed she had dimmed the lights just so and I must say it did ease my fears a bit. Religious girl (long hair, skirt, no make-up; just seems to make porn films better if you have a librarian or teacher or … as a supporting character) then stated “I have nipple warmers for you” to which I exclaimed “NIPPLE WARMERS”? Won’t that hurt? Ice on my nipples-maybe, but flames? No-thanks! She clarified “Nipple Markers”. Hmmmmm.

Religious girl placed the “Markers” on my nipples herself which startled me - a little. She took notice of my anxiety and just rubbed my shoulder and promised me everything would be ok. The “Markers” have cute silver studs right in the middle. I was confused however b/c mine didn’t have any fringe…

Next, she slipped her hand inside my gown and cupped one of my breast and placed it in the mouth of the hungry monster. The monster was still and seemed like a harmless, ugly, steel, Jurasik Park left-over prop.

Anyhoo, she guided me and told me to “Drop your left shoulder, push it back, there, that’s it. Now pivot your body just so, there, that’s it. Now relax your right shoulder. Great. You’re doing great! Just then the hungry monster with one eye slammed his mouth shut, I screamed “Holy Shit”! and she ran off to start filming!

Bitch.

When I left I noticed they had cleverly posted a sign on the casting office door that read “Mammogram”.