Written 23 June 2010
Last Monday, during a menopausal, hormone induced rage I called my doctor and told the office manager, Poor Mary, "Hey, this is Crystal Lutz and I only have THREE thyroid pills left! I need to make an appointment this week to get these pills refilled. I'm serious. These tiny little pills control my weight, i.e., my state of mind, self image, attitude, the stability of my marriage and my child's overall well being, etc." She said "ok" and forwarded me to the nurse. I told the nurse I could come in any day but Tuesday as I have a newspaper to put out on Tuesdays. She said "ok" and she'd call me back. They didn't seem as concerned and I about my critical situation. On Wednesday I realized, during a menopausal, hormone induced rage that I only had ONE pill left and NO appointment. I called my doctors office and told Poor Mary "Listen, I CALLED YOU PEOPLE ON MONDAY AND TOLD YOU THAT ... AND NOW I ONLY HAVE ONE PILL LEFT AND I'M ON MY THERE! Poor Mary said "ok" and transferred me back to the nurse. The nurse very calmly told me to go ahead and come in. I said "I AM!" When we hung up God played it all back to me in my mind and I sound precariously like a crack head. Whatever.
When I got there the staff was fine, very lackadaisical actually, but I was all a twitter (there's that crack head behavior again...) wondering if they were going to take my blood and GIVE ME MY PILLS! Or, call in the mental authorities (are crack heads paranoid) ...they just took my blood and gave me my pills. I love my doctor! I felt better and decided to get a spray tan too. Tan fat looks soooo much better than white fat!
Armor Thyroid is what I'm taking and you'd think after 3 months I would have lost the few pounds I gained before I realized...but nooooooo. I had to get on the treadmill for 40 minutes to an hour every single flipping day! Oh, the pounds just fell off...not. Then my knee started killing me and I was limping around like a...middle aged woman or something so my husband banned me from the treadmill. Humh. My husband prefers the extra few pounds over the excessive moaning, groaning and endless belly-aching. Not to mention the poor fella has to wait on me hand and foot while I prop up my injured knee. (Ok, some of the whimpering could be a dramatization but the pain IS immense.)
The night sweats came back last week then left again. I really wish they'd make up their twisted mind. Maybe they have to share their time with another middle-aged woman. Speaking of "middle-age", when and how did I go down the rabbit hole? Speaking of rabbits; Mother Nature has YET to visit me in over 3 months and I hear the best time (in the middle of your life when the last thing you want is a new born baby) to get pregnant is while going through menopause or taking thyroid medication. And BAM! Just like that! I'm 2 for 2! For the record, if I get pregnant my doctor is going to have to prescribe a lot more than thyroid meds. I wonder if Brookshire Brother's Pharmacy carries Psychotic ...I'm just sayin'.
Anyway, I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around (anything actually) the fact that I still feel about 28 (except for the bad right knee, the night sweats, the tanking thyroid, mood swings (see, the word swing intimates fun, but no.), the endless supply of reading glasses surrounding my life-I swear they self multiply) but I'm actually 45. Really? I mean I still want to go salsa dancing. Well, in my mind I do anyway. I haven't actually gone salsa dancing in several years, but I want to. I also want to water ski and roller blade. I haven't actually gone water skiing and roller bladeing but I want to. I really do. Oh, oh, oh-I did ride in a boat last Wednesday.
I guess that’s the long and short of it these days – the mind wants to dance and the body wants to sit this one out. Is THAT what middle age is all about? I think it’s a cruel joke that we feel one way inside – that would be young – but the body is beginning to put on the brakes. I don’t think I like this sudden turn of events, so what do I do about it? Well, my bff says she’s going to fight it all the way. She’s going to keep salsa dancing until she drops – and she actually DOES dance, by the way, and she’s MUCH older than I am! Hey, I think I just dissed myself. I’m bellyachin’. She’s dancin’. Hmmmmm……
I keep hopin and wishin and prayin, that all this will just go away and I’ll wake up with the firm skin, flat belly and energy level I had just a few short months ago. I’ll be able to sleep through the night without waking up drenched in sweat. I will not longer yell at people willy nilly. Oh wait, I’ve always done that. Snicker. I’ll be able to bike and run and dance to my heart’s content. Yeah, it could happen. Why just this morning my dahling husband said "We just need to ride our bicycles. We have a great path at the country." naturally, he said it in an elated, slightly euphoric mood donated by the great cup of coffee in his hand, the early hour and the lush, leather recliner he was sitting in releasing all his pheromones at once. I just can't wait to go home tonight and load up those bikes and hit that "path". ROFLMAO!
I’m gonna get “Bark OFF” for him!
Showing posts with label Menopause. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Menopause. Show all posts
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Written 23 June 2010
Apparently there's this new pill on the market for women going through men.oh.pause. Finally, a sign that men are suffering too. Oh, come on, YOU KNOW a man invented the pill. Some poor woman is out there in the universe suffering and her husband happens to be a chemist/rocket scientist and one night in a pool of sweat she awoke him (I'm not sayin' how) and lovingly said "WHY DON'T YOU INVENT SOMETHING, ANYTHING TO FIX MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE? NOOOOWWWWWWW. And don't eeeeveeen THINK about coming back to THIS bed until you have a cure for the resident evil in my body!"
So off to the lab he went. And stayed. And toiled. And viola! The fix is in! Now what I want to know is why does the pill help with our sex lives? Was that his "Oh, I'll cure you all right" aha moment in the middle of mixing and measuring? Do THEY take it too? I'm still unclear. By the way, whoever is doing the polling, cuz I know it's not Scott Rasmussen, on how many times a week couples, well you know, couple, instead of asking how many times a week do you color, they need to ask how many times a year do you color; the numbers would be higher, men would feel more confident and it'd be a lot less embarrassing (at my house).
Meanwhile back at the lab, Richard was on a roll. He fixed the sex now he just had to work on her black heart and her wicked soul. While he was toiling away he recalled other wicked women of history:
Thais, an Athenian, is said to have wanted to avenge the Persians' burning of Athens in 480 BC. She later married Alexander's general, Ptolemy, and had three children by him. The burning of Persepolis was a senseless act, one that Alexander's advisors cautioned him against but one that made her feel better therefore giving poor Alexander some relief.
Jezebel not only introduced idol worship into Israel, she got her husband to worship them along with her. She also killed Jewish priests and replaced them with priests of Baal. When her husband wanted to get his hands on a vineyard owned by one of his subjects, she counseled him to accuse the owner of blasphemy and have him stoned to death. HE should have invented this pill. After her husband's death, the new King, Jehu, ordered her thrown to her death from a high tower. As the Prophet Elijah had predicted, dogs ate all of her body except her skull, feet and hands.
In about 1479 BC, this Egyptian queen, the widow of Pharaoh Tuthmosis II, became regent for her infant stepson, Tuthmosis III. Six years later she usurped his throne and had herself declared Pharaoh. She also engaged in a scandalous affair with a commoner named Senemut. She didn't need the pill. Yes, Hatshepsut is sometimes touted by feminists as the "first great woman in history," There is really very little to admire about this woman. So say all the men. She did build some magnificent monuments and extended Egypt's trade routes but she also allowed Egypt's military power to decline. When Thutmosis became king he had her monuments systematically destroyed. This could be attributed to his personal animosity, but no future ruler ever acknowledged her reign to be legitimate and she is not included in any of the ancient "King lists." Jealous bas*^$#s. One thing that is certain is that Thutmosis III was a much more important and successful ruler than she was. Whatever.
The wife of the Emperor Claudius is remembered as one o f the wickedest women in the history of the roman Empire - quite a distinction! She was also the mother of Claudius' son, Brittanicus. She was executed in 48 AD. Her first name was Valeria. Despite Valeria Messalina's aristocratic background she was NO lady. Her affairs were innumerable. During Claudius' absence from Rome she actually went through a marriage ceremony with one of her lovers, Caius Silius and plotted to kill Claudius and place him on the Imperial throne. The plot was foiled and Messalina was executed. Now THIS is the woman who should be the face of feminism! Somebody gave HER a pill...
Religious Menopausal Women: Born in 1480, this notorious poisoner was the daughter of Pope Alexander VI. She was rumored to have had unnatural relations with both her father and her brother, Ceasar. Both her second husband, Alfonso of Aragon and her lover Ercole Strozzi, were violently murdered. Some historians have tried to reform Lucerezia's image, insisting that 1) she didn't kill anyone and 2) even if she did her brother and father made her do it. I blame it on men. oh. puase. Anyway, a lot of peple who dined with her died shortly thereafter. Hmmmm. she is said to have worn a ring with a secret compartment containing poison; some fashions should never go away.
We'll rap up men.oh.pausal. women with Queen Mary I. She got her jollies by burning Protestants at the stake (over 200). She was also prepared to turn her kingdom over to the Spanish. She was the most awful daughter of Henry VIII (who was also really awful) and Katherine of Aragon (who first bed Henry's brother but he died so she pretended she was a virgin so she could still live a life of royalty and luxury). She was known as Bloody Mary and for good reason. She was also neurotic and quite possibly insane. Hey, I resemble that remark! Anyway I say she was just men.oh.pausal and historians need to give her a break.
But I digress. Richard's trip down history lane apparently incited him to make the most wonderful drug for men.oh.pausal women. It claims to cure mood swings, MAN.iacal thoughts of murder, thoughts of wild sx with anyone other than your husband, (except for maybe Roberto-see Bachelorette article) thoughts of overtaking world leaders and governments, night sweats, loud noises in your sleep and best of all it claims to give us all a sex drive. It still boggles my mind that a man would come on the radio to talk to MEN.OH.PAUSE.AL, half crazed, out of our minds with hormonal imbalance, women and the first thing out of his mouth is that he's going to make us wan to...I wonder if he's still breathing..I'm just sayin'
Apparently there's this new pill on the market for women going through men.oh.pause. Finally, a sign that men are suffering too. Oh, come on, YOU KNOW a man invented the pill. Some poor woman is out there in the universe suffering and her husband happens to be a chemist/rocket scientist and one night in a pool of sweat she awoke him (I'm not sayin' how) and lovingly said "WHY DON'T YOU INVENT SOMETHING, ANYTHING TO FIX MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE? NOOOOWWWWWWW. And don't eeeeveeen THINK about coming back to THIS bed until you have a cure for the resident evil in my body!"
So off to the lab he went. And stayed. And toiled. And viola! The fix is in! Now what I want to know is why does the pill help with our sex lives? Was that his "Oh, I'll cure you all right" aha moment in the middle of mixing and measuring? Do THEY take it too? I'm still unclear. By the way, whoever is doing the polling, cuz I know it's not Scott Rasmussen, on how many times a week couples, well you know, couple, instead of asking how many times a week do you color, they need to ask how many times a year do you color; the numbers would be higher, men would feel more confident and it'd be a lot less embarrassing (at my house).
Meanwhile back at the lab, Richard was on a roll. He fixed the sex now he just had to work on her black heart and her wicked soul. While he was toiling away he recalled other wicked women of history:
Thais, an Athenian, is said to have wanted to avenge the Persians' burning of Athens in 480 BC. She later married Alexander's general, Ptolemy, and had three children by him. The burning of Persepolis was a senseless act, one that Alexander's advisors cautioned him against but one that made her feel better therefore giving poor Alexander some relief.
Jezebel not only introduced idol worship into Israel, she got her husband to worship them along with her. She also killed Jewish priests and replaced them with priests of Baal. When her husband wanted to get his hands on a vineyard owned by one of his subjects, she counseled him to accuse the owner of blasphemy and have him stoned to death. HE should have invented this pill. After her husband's death, the new King, Jehu, ordered her thrown to her death from a high tower. As the Prophet Elijah had predicted, dogs ate all of her body except her skull, feet and hands.
In about 1479 BC, this Egyptian queen, the widow of Pharaoh Tuthmosis II, became regent for her infant stepson, Tuthmosis III. Six years later she usurped his throne and had herself declared Pharaoh. She also engaged in a scandalous affair with a commoner named Senemut. She didn't need the pill. Yes, Hatshepsut is sometimes touted by feminists as the "first great woman in history," There is really very little to admire about this woman. So say all the men. She did build some magnificent monuments and extended Egypt's trade routes but she also allowed Egypt's military power to decline. When Thutmosis became king he had her monuments systematically destroyed. This could be attributed to his personal animosity, but no future ruler ever acknowledged her reign to be legitimate and she is not included in any of the ancient "King lists." Jealous bas*^$#s. One thing that is certain is that Thutmosis III was a much more important and successful ruler than she was. Whatever.
The wife of the Emperor Claudius is remembered as one o f the wickedest women in the history of the roman Empire - quite a distinction! She was also the mother of Claudius' son, Brittanicus. She was executed in 48 AD. Her first name was Valeria. Despite Valeria Messalina's aristocratic background she was NO lady. Her affairs were innumerable. During Claudius' absence from Rome she actually went through a marriage ceremony with one of her lovers, Caius Silius and plotted to kill Claudius and place him on the Imperial throne. The plot was foiled and Messalina was executed. Now THIS is the woman who should be the face of feminism! Somebody gave HER a pill...
Religious Menopausal Women: Born in 1480, this notorious poisoner was the daughter of Pope Alexander VI. She was rumored to have had unnatural relations with both her father and her brother, Ceasar. Both her second husband, Alfonso of Aragon and her lover Ercole Strozzi, were violently murdered. Some historians have tried to reform Lucerezia's image, insisting that 1) she didn't kill anyone and 2) even if she did her brother and father made her do it. I blame it on men. oh. puase. Anyway, a lot of peple who dined with her died shortly thereafter. Hmmmm. she is said to have worn a ring with a secret compartment containing poison; some fashions should never go away.
We'll rap up men.oh.pausal. women with Queen Mary I. She got her jollies by burning Protestants at the stake (over 200). She was also prepared to turn her kingdom over to the Spanish. She was the most awful daughter of Henry VIII (who was also really awful) and Katherine of Aragon (who first bed Henry's brother but he died so she pretended she was a virgin so she could still live a life of royalty and luxury). She was known as Bloody Mary and for good reason. She was also neurotic and quite possibly insane. Hey, I resemble that remark! Anyway I say she was just men.oh.pausal and historians need to give her a break.
But I digress. Richard's trip down history lane apparently incited him to make the most wonderful drug for men.oh.pausal women. It claims to cure mood swings, MAN.iacal thoughts of murder, thoughts of wild sx with anyone other than your husband, (except for maybe Roberto-see Bachelorette article) thoughts of overtaking world leaders and governments, night sweats, loud noises in your sleep and best of all it claims to give us all a sex drive. It still boggles my mind that a man would come on the radio to talk to MEN.OH.PAUSE.AL, half crazed, out of our minds with hormonal imbalance, women and the first thing out of his mouth is that he's going to make us wan to...I wonder if he's still breathing..I'm just sayin'
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
To Kill A Squirrel
Written 24 May 2012
Seriously. The whole menopause (Men. Oh! Pause before you speak) thing is just out of control. And so am I. And so are my hormones. I blame EVERYTHING on my hormones now. It's really kind of liberating. You can find me most anywhere these days saying "My hormones did it."
The night sweats (NS) are gone. However, I have a sneaking suspicion they'll be back. They were too mild some of my (used-2-b) friends said. So, my luck they're just on hiatus. Visiting some other poor unsuspecting 40something year old woman with that crazed-what-the-hedoublel-is-happening-TO-ME look in her otherwise normal eyes.
That's the good news. The bad news is that crying has replaced sweating. Maybe that's why NS left. Surely there's not enough water even in a killer whale's body to produce all that it takes to support night sweats AND all the sobbing I am doing. And doing. And doing.
Dancing with the stars was on the other night and I was sitting in the recliner doing the ugly (chest heaving, snot producing) cry when my husband walked in (on me). Some things are private. So husband says, in a very scared and concerned tone, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" "Derek and Nicole just did the most beautiful tango I haahaavvve eeeevv veeerrr r seeeenn."
Mr. Smarty pants said "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" The amazing thing is that he's still alive. The spinning head did scare him a little though. As if a beautifully choreographed, well executed tango is not something to cry over. Men. I really have yet to figure them out. NO appreciation for the arts.
Attention to hairdressers around the globe: Menopause is serious and should be considered a narcotic in case your otherwise normal customer walks in and says "Chop it off". I look like a little boy. And when I cry I look like a sad little boy. And MY hairdresser has been was my friend for 45 years! (Shameless plug for Cynthia Thibodeaux @ Studio 3 on University Blvd. Houston, TX)
Attention to women around the globe going through menopause: If you hairdresser is ALSO going through menopause change hairdressers. Cuz she WILL chop it off! Oh, she just can't WAIT to chop it off. Anything will do but since you're offering up your hair, her husband is safe for yet another night. Don't sacrifice yourself this way. You torture your family and let her torture hers.
Not that the haircut isn't adorable. It is. But she should have stopped at the first hair cut she gave me. It was cute. It was already blow dried and fixed. Then I said "Cut it shorter." And she did. So there. But men typically like long hair. And my husband falls in that category. I cry just thinking about him not liking it.
And on top of EVERYTHING mother nature STILL hasn't visited me and everyone keeps dangling the dead rabbit theory in front of me. I'll tell you about a dead rabbit. Or was that a squirrel? Anyway, it ran out in front of me the other day while Air Supply was singing "All out of love" and well, yes, I was crying and things were blurry but I thought maybe I'd missed him by some small animal miracle but the bump, the bump is always bad news. "My hormones did it."
Then I skinned it , boiled it, fed it to the family and called it chicken. "My hormones did it."
Seriously. The whole menopause (Men. Oh! Pause before you speak) thing is just out of control. And so am I. And so are my hormones. I blame EVERYTHING on my hormones now. It's really kind of liberating. You can find me most anywhere these days saying "My hormones did it."
The night sweats (NS) are gone. However, I have a sneaking suspicion they'll be back. They were too mild some of my (used-2-b) friends said. So, my luck they're just on hiatus. Visiting some other poor unsuspecting 40something year old woman with that crazed-what-the-hedoublel-is-happening-TO-ME look in her otherwise normal eyes.
That's the good news. The bad news is that crying has replaced sweating. Maybe that's why NS left. Surely there's not enough water even in a killer whale's body to produce all that it takes to support night sweats AND all the sobbing I am doing. And doing. And doing.
Dancing with the stars was on the other night and I was sitting in the recliner doing the ugly (chest heaving, snot producing) cry when my husband walked in (on me). Some things are private. So husband says, in a very scared and concerned tone, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" "Derek and Nicole just did the most beautiful tango I haahaavvve eeeevv veeerrr r seeeenn."
Mr. Smarty pants said "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" The amazing thing is that he's still alive. The spinning head did scare him a little though. As if a beautifully choreographed, well executed tango is not something to cry over. Men. I really have yet to figure them out. NO appreciation for the arts.
Attention to hairdressers around the globe: Menopause is serious and should be considered a narcotic in case your otherwise normal customer walks in and says "Chop it off". I look like a little boy. And when I cry I look like a sad little boy. And MY hairdresser has been was my friend for 45 years! (Shameless plug for Cynthia Thibodeaux @ Studio 3 on University Blvd. Houston, TX)
Attention to women around the globe going through menopause: If you hairdresser is ALSO going through menopause change hairdressers. Cuz she WILL chop it off! Oh, she just can't WAIT to chop it off. Anything will do but since you're offering up your hair, her husband is safe for yet another night. Don't sacrifice yourself this way. You torture your family and let her torture hers.
Not that the haircut isn't adorable. It is. But she should have stopped at the first hair cut she gave me. It was cute. It was already blow dried and fixed. Then I said "Cut it shorter." And she did. So there. But men typically like long hair. And my husband falls in that category. I cry just thinking about him not liking it.
And on top of EVERYTHING mother nature STILL hasn't visited me and everyone keeps dangling the dead rabbit theory in front of me. I'll tell you about a dead rabbit. Or was that a squirrel? Anyway, it ran out in front of me the other day while Air Supply was singing "All out of love" and well, yes, I was crying and things were blurry but I thought maybe I'd missed him by some small animal miracle but the bump, the bump is always bad news. "My hormones did it."
Then I skinned it , boiled it, fed it to the family and called it chicken. "My hormones did it."
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Menopause; It Could Happen to You...
Written 10 February 2010
...EVEN IF you are a man! Just go back to Junior High English. Ever heard of the INDIRECT object? Yes, menopause could happen to you directly or INDIRECTLY! When you see it happening and you are not the one it's happening to, keep your mouth shut and step away from the direct object. Put all sharp and blunt, heavy objects away.
SO, there I was in my 20's minding my own business and others' too, when my thirties jumped out at me. Happy to have made it through the acid-trip-like adventure of my 20's I embraced my 30's with a vengeance. So, there I was learning to mind my own business in a land far, far away when my 40's showed up in an explosion of shrapnel and ear-piercing noises. Wait. Those were RPG’s! Anyhooo, life was so full of explosions and heat and young men that I barely noticed the earth shift; just a little shift, but a shift none-the-less.
Currently, I am sneaking up on 45. I don't how to define "I" anymore. The person typing this certainly isn't sneaking up on 45 but somewhere in my knees something is definitely sneaking up on something painful. Maybe that's 45?
When the first tremor hit...I was watching some mind altering television show like Grey's Anatomy or something when I needed to channel surf over to Desperate Housewives (I have goals). As usual I picked up the remote but for some reason known only to the mean gods of hahahahahaha you're getting old; the numbers/letters were blurry.
Inconceivably, I held out the remote and was able to see clearly. Only a couple of nights later I was spending the night with a girlfriend. She was cleaning her face and I was getting ready to watch the news or something when I had an out-of-body-experience. It was like dejavue. It was the whole "why are the letters/numbers so blurry” experience all over again. True to a tragic event I screamed like the girl in the B movies being chased by the blob! Deborah ran out of the bathroom with night cream dripping from her chin to save me with her cotton swab and all she saw was a helpless, frantic woman holding a remote control - close, far, close, far screaming every time it got "far" (b/c it was so much CLEARER!) This could also be Karma for having cheaters on hand for all my “old” customers and snickering EVERY time I hand them out! Or maybe not.
One day I was again, minding my own business, driving along with the top down singing really loud to Rhiana, when I was instantly struck with that hot, flush feeling I got in my 30's when a cute guy walked by or when I put that burn your buns dark tanning lotion on right before I went into the tanning bed for half an hour.
Whew, where did that come from?! I looked in my rear view mirror for the devil cuz I was sure he had finally caught up with me for my bad ways in my 20's. I turned side to side looking for him to be in a motorcycle with a helper in the side car and in a "flash" the heat and my overwhelming I-need-Prozac-paranoia, was gone.
And just two months ago my Aunt Flo forgot to visit. Look, when you've waited on your aunt your whole life and she always shows up then one day she doesn't show up what would YOU do? Me? Well, I bought 8 pregnancy tests and waited till I was about to puke from nerves and my whole staff was going to quit to take them.
Negative? WHAT? Look, my aunt is over two weeks late. Hmm. Well, finally she showed up but is now officially three weeks late AGAIN. Lucky for me I still have 5 pregnancy tests left. Yes, that means I took THREE last time. You can never be tooooo careful about these things.
Additionally over the last several months I’ve noticed black hairs in places no one ever told black hairs were supposed to be. Why are all the women in my family who are older than me such bit*he$? Shouldn’t you pass along pertinent information regarding getting older to your young? Your friends? Your siblings? What the heck? It’s so NOT romantic for a man whom you are trying to be romantic with to say, with a contorted facial expression, “OMG! Is that a black hair”? Talk about kill joy!
As a pre-emptive strike to real therapy, I scheduled an urgent conference call with my best friend Jasmine (while having a hot flash in front of the paint man at Home Depot) who is older and oh so much wiser about such things. Getting older apparently does lots of weird things to your body. Without your permission.
Anyway, after laughing hysterically and saying, "Welcome to the club, honey!" she shared her own experiences with little memory lapses, soaked-with-sweat bed sheets and outbursts of temper which were totally foreign to her. One of her relatives, Alexa, is currently going through some of the same things and as a matter of fact is about the same age as I am. Whoever “I” is these days…
We all understand that these things are part of the life process, but Geez Louise, we wish we'd had more warning. I guess it's one of those things that - until you go through it yourself - you just can't quite describe it to others but you sure as heck should try. I now have a whole new understanding of the word “sisterhood”.
...EVEN IF you are a man! Just go back to Junior High English. Ever heard of the INDIRECT object? Yes, menopause could happen to you directly or INDIRECTLY! When you see it happening and you are not the one it's happening to, keep your mouth shut and step away from the direct object. Put all sharp and blunt, heavy objects away.
SO, there I was in my 20's minding my own business and others' too, when my thirties jumped out at me. Happy to have made it through the acid-trip-like adventure of my 20's I embraced my 30's with a vengeance. So, there I was learning to mind my own business in a land far, far away when my 40's showed up in an explosion of shrapnel and ear-piercing noises. Wait. Those were RPG’s! Anyhooo, life was so full of explosions and heat and young men that I barely noticed the earth shift; just a little shift, but a shift none-the-less.
Currently, I am sneaking up on 45. I don't how to define "I" anymore. The person typing this certainly isn't sneaking up on 45 but somewhere in my knees something is definitely sneaking up on something painful. Maybe that's 45?
When the first tremor hit...I was watching some mind altering television show like Grey's Anatomy or something when I needed to channel surf over to Desperate Housewives (I have goals). As usual I picked up the remote but for some reason known only to the mean gods of hahahahahaha you're getting old; the numbers/letters were blurry.
Inconceivably, I held out the remote and was able to see clearly. Only a couple of nights later I was spending the night with a girlfriend. She was cleaning her face and I was getting ready to watch the news or something when I had an out-of-body-experience. It was like dejavue. It was the whole "why are the letters/numbers so blurry” experience all over again. True to a tragic event I screamed like the girl in the B movies being chased by the blob! Deborah ran out of the bathroom with night cream dripping from her chin to save me with her cotton swab and all she saw was a helpless, frantic woman holding a remote control - close, far, close, far screaming every time it got "far" (b/c it was so much CLEARER!) This could also be Karma for having cheaters on hand for all my “old” customers and snickering EVERY time I hand them out! Or maybe not.
One day I was again, minding my own business, driving along with the top down singing really loud to Rhiana, when I was instantly struck with that hot, flush feeling I got in my 30's when a cute guy walked by or when I put that burn your buns dark tanning lotion on right before I went into the tanning bed for half an hour.
Whew, where did that come from?! I looked in my rear view mirror for the devil cuz I was sure he had finally caught up with me for my bad ways in my 20's. I turned side to side looking for him to be in a motorcycle with a helper in the side car and in a "flash" the heat and my overwhelming I-need-Prozac-paranoia, was gone.
And just two months ago my Aunt Flo forgot to visit. Look, when you've waited on your aunt your whole life and she always shows up then one day she doesn't show up what would YOU do? Me? Well, I bought 8 pregnancy tests and waited till I was about to puke from nerves and my whole staff was going to quit to take them.
Negative? WHAT? Look, my aunt is over two weeks late. Hmm. Well, finally she showed up but is now officially three weeks late AGAIN. Lucky for me I still have 5 pregnancy tests left. Yes, that means I took THREE last time. You can never be tooooo careful about these things.
Additionally over the last several months I’ve noticed black hairs in places no one ever told black hairs were supposed to be. Why are all the women in my family who are older than me such bit*he$? Shouldn’t you pass along pertinent information regarding getting older to your young? Your friends? Your siblings? What the heck? It’s so NOT romantic for a man whom you are trying to be romantic with to say, with a contorted facial expression, “OMG! Is that a black hair”? Talk about kill joy!
As a pre-emptive strike to real therapy, I scheduled an urgent conference call with my best friend Jasmine (while having a hot flash in front of the paint man at Home Depot) who is older and oh so much wiser about such things. Getting older apparently does lots of weird things to your body. Without your permission.
Anyway, after laughing hysterically and saying, "Welcome to the club, honey!" she shared her own experiences with little memory lapses, soaked-with-sweat bed sheets and outbursts of temper which were totally foreign to her. One of her relatives, Alexa, is currently going through some of the same things and as a matter of fact is about the same age as I am. Whoever “I” is these days…
We all understand that these things are part of the life process, but Geez Louise, we wish we'd had more warning. I guess it's one of those things that - until you go through it yourself - you just can't quite describe it to others but you sure as heck should try. I now have a whole new understanding of the word “sisterhood”.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Menopause; It Could Happen to You...
by Crystal Laramore
...EVEN IF you are a man! Just go back to Junior High English. Ever heard of the INDIRECT object? Yes, menopause could happen to you directly or INDIRECTLY! When you see it happening and you are not the one it's happening to, keep your mouth shut and step away from the direct object. Put all sharp and blunt, heavy objects away.
SO, there I was in my 20's minding my own business and others' too, when my thirties jumped out at me. Happy to have made it through the acid-trip-like adventure of my 20's I embraced my 30's with a vengeance. So, there I was learning to mind my own business in a land far, far away when my 40's showed up in an explosion of shrapnel and ear-piercing noises. Wait. Those were RPG’s! Anyhooo, life was so full of explosions and heat and young men that I barely noticed the earth shift; just a little shift, but a shift none-the-less.
Currently, I am sneaking up on 45. I don't how to define "I" anymore. The person typing this certainly isn't sneaking up on 45 but somewhere in my knees something is definitely sneaking up on something painful. Maybe that's 45?
When the first tremor hit...I was watching some mind altering television show like Grey's Anatomy or something when I needed to channel surf over to Desperate Housewives (I have goals). As usual I picked up the remote but for some reason known only to the mean gods of hahahahahaha you're getting old; the numbers/letters were blurry.
Inconceivably, I held out the remote and was able to see clearly. Only a couple of nights later I was spending the night with a girlfriend. She was cleaning her face and I was getting ready to watch the news or something when I had an out-of-body-experience. It was like dejavue. It was the whole "why are the letters/numbers so blurry” experience all over again. True to a tragic event I screamed like the girl in the B movies being chased by the blob! Deborah ran out of the bathroom with night cream dripping from her chin to save me with her cotton swab and all she saw was a helpless, frantic woman holding a remote control - close, far, close, far screaming every time it got "far" (b/c it was so much CLEARER!
One day I was again, minding my own business, driving along with the top down singing really loud to Rheana, when I was instantly struck with that hot, flush feeling I got in my 30's when a cute guy walked by or when I put that burn your buns dark tanning lotion on right before I went into the tanning bed for half an hour.
Whew, where did that come from?! I looked in my rear view mirror for the devil cuz I was sure he had finally caught up with me for my bad ways in my 20's. I turned side to side looking for him to be in a motorcycle with a helper in the side car and in a "flash" the heat and my overwhelming I-need-Prozac-paranoia, was gone.
And just two months ago my Aunt Flo forgot to visit. Look, when you've waited on your aunt your whole life and she always shows up then one day she doesn't show up what would YOU do? Me? Well, I bought 8 pregnancy tests and waited till I was about to puke from nerves and my whole staff was going to quit to take them.
Negative? WHAT? Look, my aunt is over two weeks late. Hmm. Well, finally she showed up but is now officially three weeks late AGAIN. Lucky for me I still have 5 pregnancy tests left. Yes, that means I took THREE last time. You can never be tooooo careful about these things.
Additionally over the last several months I’ve noticed black hairs in places no one ever told black hairs were supposed to be. Why are all the women in my family who are older than me such bitche$? Shouldn’t you pass along pertinent information regarding getting older to your young? Your friends? Your siblings? What the hell? It’s so NOT romantic for a man whom you are trying to be romantic with to say, with a contorted facial expression, “OMG! Is that a black hair”? Talk about kill joy!
As a preemptive strike to real therapy, I scheduled an urgent conference call with my best friend Jasmine (while having a hot flash in front of the paint man at Home Depot) who is older and oh so much wiser about such things. Getting older apparently does lots of weird things to your body. Without your permission. Anyway, after laughing hysterically and saying, "Welcome to the club, honey!" she shared her own experiences with little memory lapses, soaked-with-sweat bed sheets and outbursts of temper which were totally foreign to her. One of her relatives, Alexa, is currently going through some of the same things and as a matter of fact is about the same age as I am. Whoever “I” is these days…
We all understand that these things are part of the life process, but Geez Louise, we wish we'd had more warning. I guess it's one of those things that - until you go through it yourself - you just can't quite describe it to others but you sure as heck should try. I now have a whole new understanding of the word “sisterhood”.
...EVEN IF you are a man! Just go back to Junior High English. Ever heard of the INDIRECT object? Yes, menopause could happen to you directly or INDIRECTLY! When you see it happening and you are not the one it's happening to, keep your mouth shut and step away from the direct object. Put all sharp and blunt, heavy objects away.
SO, there I was in my 20's minding my own business and others' too, when my thirties jumped out at me. Happy to have made it through the acid-trip-like adventure of my 20's I embraced my 30's with a vengeance. So, there I was learning to mind my own business in a land far, far away when my 40's showed up in an explosion of shrapnel and ear-piercing noises. Wait. Those were RPG’s! Anyhooo, life was so full of explosions and heat and young men that I barely noticed the earth shift; just a little shift, but a shift none-the-less.
Currently, I am sneaking up on 45. I don't how to define "I" anymore. The person typing this certainly isn't sneaking up on 45 but somewhere in my knees something is definitely sneaking up on something painful. Maybe that's 45?
When the first tremor hit...I was watching some mind altering television show like Grey's Anatomy or something when I needed to channel surf over to Desperate Housewives (I have goals). As usual I picked up the remote but for some reason known only to the mean gods of hahahahahaha you're getting old; the numbers/letters were blurry.
Inconceivably, I held out the remote and was able to see clearly. Only a couple of nights later I was spending the night with a girlfriend. She was cleaning her face and I was getting ready to watch the news or something when I had an out-of-body-experience. It was like dejavue. It was the whole "why are the letters/numbers so blurry” experience all over again. True to a tragic event I screamed like the girl in the B movies being chased by the blob! Deborah ran out of the bathroom with night cream dripping from her chin to save me with her cotton swab and all she saw was a helpless, frantic woman holding a remote control - close, far, close, far screaming every time it got "far" (b/c it was so much CLEARER!
One day I was again, minding my own business, driving along with the top down singing really loud to Rheana, when I was instantly struck with that hot, flush feeling I got in my 30's when a cute guy walked by or when I put that burn your buns dark tanning lotion on right before I went into the tanning bed for half an hour.
Whew, where did that come from?! I looked in my rear view mirror for the devil cuz I was sure he had finally caught up with me for my bad ways in my 20's. I turned side to side looking for him to be in a motorcycle with a helper in the side car and in a "flash" the heat and my overwhelming I-need-Prozac-paranoia, was gone.
And just two months ago my Aunt Flo forgot to visit. Look, when you've waited on your aunt your whole life and she always shows up then one day she doesn't show up what would YOU do? Me? Well, I bought 8 pregnancy tests and waited till I was about to puke from nerves and my whole staff was going to quit to take them.
Negative? WHAT? Look, my aunt is over two weeks late. Hmm. Well, finally she showed up but is now officially three weeks late AGAIN. Lucky for me I still have 5 pregnancy tests left. Yes, that means I took THREE last time. You can never be tooooo careful about these things.
Additionally over the last several months I’ve noticed black hairs in places no one ever told black hairs were supposed to be. Why are all the women in my family who are older than me such bitche$? Shouldn’t you pass along pertinent information regarding getting older to your young? Your friends? Your siblings? What the hell? It’s so NOT romantic for a man whom you are trying to be romantic with to say, with a contorted facial expression, “OMG! Is that a black hair”? Talk about kill joy!
As a preemptive strike to real therapy, I scheduled an urgent conference call with my best friend Jasmine (while having a hot flash in front of the paint man at Home Depot) who is older and oh so much wiser about such things. Getting older apparently does lots of weird things to your body. Without your permission. Anyway, after laughing hysterically and saying, "Welcome to the club, honey!" she shared her own experiences with little memory lapses, soaked-with-sweat bed sheets and outbursts of temper which were totally foreign to her. One of her relatives, Alexa, is currently going through some of the same things and as a matter of fact is about the same age as I am. Whoever “I” is these days…
We all understand that these things are part of the life process, but Geez Louise, we wish we'd had more warning. I guess it's one of those things that - until you go through it yourself - you just can't quite describe it to others but you sure as heck should try. I now have a whole new understanding of the word “sisterhood”.
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