Throwing Up Pretty, Broken Promises

By Crystal Laramore & Deborah K. Martin

We get letters…we turn them into articles…it’s our job…it’s what we do...call it a public service.

Dear Richard, (They are ALL Richards)

You’d think I’d be done with all the crying in my beer and hanging out at pity parties, what with all those black balloons and sharp objects...

Seriously, it’s been 4 ½ years and how many breakups/breakthroughs? How many times have you, Richard, charmed your way back into my life? How many times, Richard, have I let you? And how stupid does that make ME? (Wait, that’s a subject for another article…)

This time however, is different in some ways. For one, it's the last time. I felt the tension for months before finally bringing up the fact that I believed we made “a mistake”. You quickly agreed and we took it from there. It was all so civilized, wasn’t it ,Richard? We even continued to live in the same house, albeit in separate bedrooms. We didn’t even fight. We laughed. And you even said you felt like a P.O.S. I told you there was no need for you to feel like a P.O.S. But, Richard - I lied. You are and you should.

Why did I ever want to try again with you, Richard, after what you’d put me through before? I think it was those pretty words and your charming nature. Maybe you spiked my Big A$$ Shiraz (BAS) with prozac...We get along so well, you see, that I always find it hard to believe we’re not in love anymore. It’s like that Michael McDonald song “I keep forgettin we’re not in love anymore”. And Oh yes, there was a time when I was stupid-in-love with you. Love of my life, I’d say. Can’t imagine life without him, I’d say. Even though you Richard, never kept your promises and continued to behave like a P.O.S. Why IS that?? Looking back, I say to myself, “Self, what WERE ya thinkin’??” Clearly, not much of MYSELF…

I guess sometimes even a bond with the wrong person can be a very strong one (with enough BAS & Prozac). We have almost 5 years of history between us, some of it very good. But the bad stuff finally outweighed the good stuff. Your drama, your immaturity, your bigotry, your laziness in the relationship? Hard to ignore, but the one thing – the ONE thing Richard - I could no longer ignore was your “the grass is always greener” attitude. That killed it for me. And then I wanted to kill you and with BAS & Prozac lying around, well you can see my dilemma...

You never wanted me when you had me, only when you didn’t or when another relationship went sour. Since you were just as cruel to others I guess I shouldn’t take it personally, but it’s sure hard not to. It feels personal to hear you say, “I’ve FINALLY found someone I can dance with”, when you know that’s my favorite thing to do and you know I’m better than her! Am too! And too much dancing at your age Richard...well let's just say you've been warned.

Another cleverly delivered line was when you moved back to your own place and said, “I’m FINALLY (there’s that word again) home,” after I worked so hard to make OUR home a haven for you. Why do men do that? Why do they just stand there saying stupid $hit, begging to die? It’s like that song in Chicago : one verse goes like this here “And then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife 10 times”.

Anyhoo, it’s hard not to take things personally, Richard, when you continue to beg to come back only to start pulling away as soon as Three Men Movers pulls out of the gate. You loudly proclaim how wrong you were to leave, how simple life is with me and how complicated it is with everyone else – yet you still want someone (it seems anyone) else. Maybe you just have a crush on Three Men Movers. I’ve never been enough for you and that’s a feeling I no longer desire to experience. And where was LOVE in all this 'wanting to come back'?? NOW, with a little help from BAS & Prozac, I remember that you never said you missed me and LOVED me. You only said that I was easy (like Sunday morning?) Well, Richard, that’s no way to build a lifelong relationship.

I want someone who really loves me for who I am and appreciates what I bring to the table, besides the bone-in rib-eyes! For all your lip service, you never appreciated me and I don’t think you really loved me either. You said you did, but honey, words are cheap and plentiful. Without actions to back them up, the words only made me feel insecure. And if you were a real man Richard, you'd want your woman to feel loved and secure. Read that last sentence again, honey! If you were a REAL man, etc.

I'm not one of those “needy” women who have to have a man around to feel happy or complete. Having a good relationship is just a bonus as far as I’m concerned. But a relationship with you was kinda like a cash bonus, here one day gone the next. And when you go, like ya always do, AFTER the crying, AFTER the angst and self-doubt, AFTER the loneliness passes, Richard; I feel just fine. Better than fine. I feel like me again. And ya know what, Richard? I LIKE me and I LIKE life without your drama. I work with women, I have enough drama!

Maybe that’s part of your problem – you thrive on drama but can’t cope with everyday life. These days you’re back to club hopping. Really?! At your age??? (For the reader's he's in his late 50's.) When I’m thinking logically after a couple of bottles of BAS, I know that you are a very unhealthy person emotionally, and not nearly worthy of a terrific woman like me. I also know that if I’m patient with myself everything is going to be okay. If I can just stay away from the knife drawer next time you're near me. The challenge at the moment is getting from here to there; wanting to kill you phase to being ok phase; in case you can't connect the dots all by your selfish, worthless, POS self...oh my, did I say that out loud?

When I asked my best friend, Sophia, why I’m still feeling sad and angry even though I don’t want you back she said this: “It's all those pretty words they spoke from their pretty mouths that we ate up, digested and then had to puke up when they said ‘Sh!t. Never mind.’”

Then she told me to get a lot of BAS and Prozac. Duh! I'm a follower!

Broken promises are sharp like broken glass and hard to keep on the stomach. I guess I’ve still got some puking to do.

Breakin' Up is Hard To Do

By Deborah K. Martin

Sad to say, but these days MOST relationships break up. I hardly know anyone who hasn’t had a breakup of a serious relationship or marriage to include me, my parents, grandparents and one of my sons. I guess you could say I’ve got some bad karma to overcome. Or something like that.

So my question is this: Why is it so hard to do? Break up, that is. Why is it so hard to get a grip and move on? I ask because my two good friends, Sophia and Jasmine, came to me recently with similar dilemmas. They both had bad breakups but are finding it very difficult to get the sorry guy out of their minds and hearts so they can really, truly move on. I can’t tell it as well as they can so I’ll transcribe their stories as told to me.

Sophia came to me recently, in a happy relationship. Yeah, I know, so what’s the problem? Well, her prince charming (note – no capitals) is very charming indeed. He’s one of those guys who seem to LIVE to fulfill your every wish. (Where is good cloning technology when you need it?!) You name it – poof it appears, kind of like a genie in a bottle but the male kind. He adores every little quirky part of Sophia and let me tell you, she’s no shy flower. She says what she means and means what she says. She knows what she wants and she’s not shy about asking for it. I love that about her!

And you know what? HE loves her for it. And she loves him, but she tells me she may not be IN love with him. Why? Because there’s a ghost hanging around who just won’t go away. It’s the ghost of Prince Charming, the one who won her heart even though he turned out to be not so charming after all. Couldn’t hang when the going got a smidge challenging. But he had her heart and he still haunts her. Sophia says sometimes she feels like she’s in the wrong fairy tale.

It’s not that she’s unhappy exactly. She does love the little prince in many ways and they’re even planning a future together. Is she settling? You’d have to ask her. She doesn’t think so and she thinks she may “fall” for the other guy in time, especially considering how much REAL love he’s showering on her these days. Love IS a verb, after all. She just wishes the ghost would go haunt someone else and give her peace.

Then there’s Jasmine. She fell equally hard for her Prince but his flaws turned out to be too much for her poor heart to handle. He’s one of those roguishly charming men who makes a great buddy but a terrible lover and partner. If it’s not ALL about him he completely withdraws. No discussion, no issues. He demands perfection and adoration. Maybe perfect adoration. Of him. Even so, for several years Jasmine gave him chance after chance to do what he SAID he wanted to do. Commit. To her. But he always let her down.

He was never happy with what he had (her), he always wanted something or someone “out there”, but he always wanted to come back and until recently she always took him back because he had her heart. But a funny thing happened over the years. Every time he pulled away, saying he “didn’t know what he wanted” (while already pursuing someone else) she pulled a little bit of her heart back from him until finally, remarkably, miraculously – she wasn’t in love with him anymore.

It reminds me of that movie, “The Breakup” with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughan. Things are horrible between them and she keeps saying she wants him back but when he finally comes to her and tells her he wants to change for her – she realizes it’s too little too late – she no longer feels the same way for him.

Still, Jasmine is like most women, including Sophia. When we commit our hearts to a man, we then set aside a whole story of how life is going to be. We envision our future together and we plan for it. We SHOULD be able to plan for it. All the princes know this and they participate in the story, promising us all kinds of things we wish for. Maybe they want it, too.

When things go wrong, it doesn’t matter why the breakup occurs. We suffer two losses – we lose our companion and we lose the dream and plan for our future. BAM! Gone in an instant! Sometimes I think that’s the hardest part. Companionship is a dime a dozen but that hope for the future with your someone special is unique and sacred.

Sophia and Jasmine lost hope. They lost the dream. They lost a special future. Sophia now has someone who desperately wants to give her the future she desires but a part of her heart is stuck on “the dream” from the frog prince. Jasmine still remembers better days, happier times of laughter and the promise of a lifetime of play together. She knows it will never be so. Not with this man. She’s confident that there is another man out there who WILL fulfill her desires and give her a chance to fulfill his. But he’s not here. Not yet.

These women are in mourning and maybe you are, too. The process is the same whether you are mourning the loss of a job, a spouse, a child or a future. There are stages to go through and my advice to Sophia, Jasmine and to you out there in similar circumstances is to let yourself feel every stage. First comes denial and hopefully it won’t last long. I mean, it is what it is. He’s gone (probably with a new princess) and you’re left here to pick up the pieces. Sounds pretty real to me. Sophia and Jasmine would tell you it feels MUCH too real. And painful.

Then you need to get angry. Go ahead. BE angry. You have a right to your anger. He made promises, didn’t he? If you’re like Sophia and Jasmine you did your dead level best and he didn’t hold up to his end of the bargain. But don’t let your anger simmer too long or you will point it at yourself and that is always destructive.

After anger, your next goal should be to move on to acceptance and gratitude. Remember what Greg Berendt said in “He’s Just Not That Into You” – just because this one isn’t the one that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you so move on until you find the one who IS into you. Once you’ve accepted the demise of this relationship you can begin to be grateful for the good things you once shared and remember them fondly, without the anger and without sadness.

How long does all this take? For each of us the timing is different. My friend Jasmine said it has happened gradually over the years of going in and out of the relationship with the Charmer. Little by little a sisterly fondness overtook the romantic love. I’m not sure Sophia is there yet. Her frog prince bit her pretty bad. All the right words, all the wrong actions. Now she’s got the guy with EVERYthing right and I think she’s a little shell-shocked, like she’s waiting for the other shoe to fall. Only time will heal that wound and overcome the doubt.

I guess that’s really it, then. Time gives us everything. Rest. Distance. Perspective. Wisdom. Healing. As it should be. Life is a circle. When it is broken you have to heal, then take the ends and bend them back together.