Written 14 July 2010
Ahh Ali, still has Roberto in her sights...
Thank goodness I'm almost over my bachelorette, reality TV, crack-like addiction! Just two more weeks to go. It really should be over next week but they have to do a "Men Tell All" special, blah, blah, blah. I want to know who she picked...if anyone.
From the beginning I've said Roberto. My bff, Deb, concurs. She’s addicted to those Latinos! Just the way the rrrr rolls off your tongue...plus he's muy caliente and muy guapo! That's almost enough to get you through 80 years of marriage but he's also very sweet and charming and tender and loving and hot and sexy and ...oh wait, I think I already covered that.
So the three dudes left at the beginning of Monday night's telenovella were: 1.) Roberto 2.) Frank 3.) Chris; listed in the order, I believe, matches Ali's personal order. There they are in Tahiti, romance in the water, and no sharks, save one...dunt, dunt, dunt...FRANK! NO! YES! Turns out the whiney, wimpy, self-deprecating, Frankie is in love with Nicole. Who's NICOLE? His ex. Right, me too...Only after leaving Nicole to pursue Ali did he realize that Nicole is, after all the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Poor Frank has been in such turmoil over all the feelings he has for Nicole and also Ali. But in the end he thinks it is Nicole he really, for real this time, no kidding, wants to marry. Nicole is good with that. RUN NICOLE RUN. Frank is a tortured soul, a creative genius who still lives at home and is reaching for something/one, anything/one to make him feel like a man. He needs to look within instead of impulse purchasing. But that is an Oprah show.
As the Bachelor and Bachelorette go, all crises must be filtered through Chris Harrison, the host. First Frank does go ahead and fly to Tahiti instead of ending it all in Chicago. Silly Nicole is too young to know that letting a man go who can't seem to know when to stay is a recipe for disaster. Anyway Chris was "blown away" as he often is. Poor Chris. He's gotta watch this sniveling, wimpy man and the whole time I bet he's thinking "If you were doing this to MY daughter I'd bust your lip right about NOW!" So, Frank makes the manly decision to tell Ali himself. Bravo. Fast forward to Ali arriving. They embrace and she's all chipper and Ali-like and the Frank says "Ali, we need to talk". They walk outside and sit and she stares at him a long time and he doesn't speak. Then he says he's nervous. Then finally he tells her about Nicole. She starts crying and wiping her tears away and all I can't think is "Honey! Don't pull on your eyes like that! You have no idea the long term damage you are doing that tender skin. Besides girl, you've still got two GOOD, ahem real, men here who need to see you at your best...and Frankly speaking (totally HAD to get that in, sorry, I amuse myself)...not puffy eyed over another man.
Best line of the night? Ali said "I've given up everything to be here." To which sniveling dumba$% said "I've given up everything to be here too." To which Ali, my new hero (with a little training) said "Apparently not everything." Cha-ching! Slam! *&^%#@! And then, when the wimpy, selfish, Frankie saga was almost over she failed me as a sister, she went down the rabbit hole of self-pity and pathetic behavior. She said, through tears, as many other noble women throughout history have, "I don't want to leave because I know I'm never gonna see you again." I was so hurt by this statement I didn't really hear what Frankie said but he was asking for forgiveness as all cheaters and beaters do and then, then she got up, walked around the ottoman (waaay tooooo much effort wasted on him! Here's where I scream "Get the Bit$h Books Ali! GET THE BIT$H BOOKS!) to get to him and long-embraced him bye. My life flashed before my eyes. She should have just flung herself on top of the sword for Pete's sake. Hell, at least Frank was crying.
Poor, poor Chris Harrison. He's already listened to Frank snivel and now he has to listen to Ali; talkative, chatty, crying, heart-broken, pis&ed-off Ali. At some point she tries to get him to psychoanalyze her by getting him to tell her what is wrong with her. I bet he's thinking "I don't get paid enough for this Shi!." She said "What's wrong with me? Maybe I'm too....or maybe it's....I just don't know why (which is my all time favorite whine)...and now I'm wondering if I can trust my own judgment...and...
Chris just sat there at a decent distance away and carefully rubbed her back and said NOTHING. He needs a raise.
Since this is Hollywood and they always have alternative endings I have a few in mind. Bear with me as I may actually be releasing some of my very own, carefully thought out with vengeance-and-malice-in-my-heart alternative endings...
1. When Ali meets Frank at the hut on the water in Tahiti and after a few seconds embrace says "Ali, we need to talk." She should have straightened her back bone, took a few steps back, squared her shoulders, looked him in the eye (the left one for gravity) and said "Talk." Not moved one freaking inch. Then, when he was finished slobbering all over himself said "OK." and walked away. THEN fell apart. ALONE. She gave him too much of herself. A part he did NOT deserve. He would be having nightmares right now wondering where HE went wrong and why she wasn't more devastated...blah, blah, blah. Again, my life flashing and all...
2. When Ali meets Frank at the hut on the water in Tahiti and after a few seconds embrace says "Ali, we need to talk." She should have straightened her back bone, took a few steps back, squared her shoulders, looked him in the eye (the left one for gravity) and said "Talk." When he was finished slobbering all over himself she should have said "Boys! (there's always a camera crew around and those guys are probably in love with Ali too. They would've done her bidding.) Throw his sorry a$$ in the ocean and do not fetch him out until I get back with Chris and his plane ticket home. Oh look! Shark!"
Alas, neither of these things happened but a lesson was learned nonetheless, by the audience if not by Ali. Frank was a sniveling weasel and I’m certain we’ll read about him in a few months when Nicole dumps him for still being weepy over his decision to leave Ali. What did we learn? Don’t take it personally when you run across sniveling weasels who can’t make up their minds if they love you or they don’t. If they love you they KNOW it and SHOW it! End of story.
The issue was not Ali even though she took it personally, as a blow to her ego and to her powers of judgment. No, the issue was entirely Frank’s. I gotta tell ya. I don’t know a single woman who REALLY, in her heart wants a snively man. Most of us don’t even want a sensitive man. It kind of freaks me out when I see men get too emotional. We want our men to be in charge and decisive. Deb just called and said she wants him to be Roberto! He’s a real guy who really cares. And the bonus is that he’s way easy on the eyes!!
Ladies, be confident. Buy the books, for Pete’s sake! Read and learn. Then practice on the next available man. You’ll be amazed at the difference in your relationship! He WILL be attentive and loving. If he’s not, then drop him in with Frank and the sharks!!
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Rebounds Abound
Written 14 July 2010
Well, finally the issue of dating a ‘married’ person has arisen. When discussing sex, relationships and human beings this topic was bound to emerge. This article is not gender specific.
So, back to dating the married topic: By ‘married’ I do not mean living together and experiencing the All-American dream. I mean separated & not divorced or newly divorced (still married emotionally), married by paper but not emotionally yet still going through the motions, and absolutely 100% not living together. If they still have the same POB, run Forrest run!
One of my favorite lines is (my very own quote, of course) “We’ve all made mistakes and you just hope you don’t do in your 30’s what you did in your 20’s and you hope you don’t do in your 40’s what you did in your 30’s and so on.”
Marriage is one of those institutions I have not had much luck with. I called it dating with an evil twist b/c it lasted such a short amount of time. So I have no background with successful marriage. But how many people do? I’ve known a lot of people in long-term marriages (reminds me of long-term health care…) but not many who are happy. My friend Richard says that familiarity breeds contempt. I think he’s right. No matter if it’s a marriage relationship or a working relationship.
So should we be dating ‘married’ people (Remember our earlier definition of married.)? No. I’ve done it before. Ok, so shoot me. But if you shoot me you have to shoot everyone else who has done it and you’d lose most of your friends and maybe even your very own spouse, if not yourself.
Most people I know have done it before and it does not go in the direction you want it; for long. If they are not divorced, not divorced for long or still being manipulated by the spouse-it’s not a good place for you to be hanging out. There are as many reasons people divorce as there are fishing lures at Bass Pro Shop or eyeliner at Dillard’s. But none of them are your business. If you forgot how to run like Forrest and you are determined to try and beat the odds (you really should just come here and play Texas Hold ‘Em on Thursday nights instead-your odds are MUCH better) then do yourself a favor and make your partner go to therapy. DO NOT take on that role; unless you can garner some cash out of the sessions??? Damn capitalists! Oh, I digress…
For this particular article I’ve gotten some feedback from several people; both people dating the ‘married’ person and the ‘married’ people themselves. Here’s what I gleaned from all of them:
When people have been married for any length of time they know just the right buttons to push in each other. These buttons range from guilt to anger to memory lane to obligation to religion and so on. Not to mention if the spouse/children find out about the new love. Lucky you, you get to be the focus and the reason and the blah, blah, blah. Now add jealousy, self-pity and self-denial to their list of negative emotions that will swirl around YOU. No matter what the wedding vows say and no matter the intent with which they were said, when the word divorce enters the arena-all bets are off. It’s sad to see people self-destruct or do their dead-level best to destroy the other, but it happens. You should not be around. Not even for the great sex.
SOME people end their marriage well. But mostly, when people are going through a divorce they tend to push each other’s buttons. If you are in the middle of this button pushing war you will constantly be listening to negativity and playing the role of comforter, psychologist and sex partner. When the smoke clears, your partner will either go back to the ex for various reasons (which will eventually not work again and so repeats the cycle) or suddenly feel free, except for you, and begin on the journey of dismissing you. The most famous line is “I need to find myself”. Well, who wants to be with someone who doesn’t know where they are?
Think about it. If someone has been in an un-healthy relationship for over a decade and suddenly (b/c even though the freeing process has been going on for years-it feels sudden to them) find themselves divorced, how do you think they feel? Free. They feel free. Separated for years does not equal signatures in dried ink on paper. The word divorce has a sudden finality. They are free.
And you should let them be free (of you) and, more importantly, you should be free of them. Just move on. If you find yourself dating a married person, separated person or a newly divorced person, pick up your self-esteem and move on. It’s a toilet bowl of negative energy that you don’t want to get flushed down. The tidy bowl man is NOT good company. The rebound person is a real person. And if you are the next person they “date” (and I use that term very loosely in this context) your new name is ‘Rebound Person’. And the ‘Rebound Person’ is usually just for sex and healing aka sexual healing.
Marriage is a commitment of great moral character. Having a good marriage and being a good spouse is probably harder than parenting. There should be medals.
However, a handful of couples come quickly to mind when I do think of happy marriages; my publisher and his wife is one. Two of my customers are others. And I have a pair of really great friends who have been in love forever. When that happens, it’s a beautiful thing. I love being around them and watching the interaction between two people who are best friends, lovers and partners. It’s also fun to watch them spar!
I’ve never been quite sure why people do it
Well, finally the issue of dating a ‘married’ person has arisen. When discussing sex, relationships and human beings this topic was bound to emerge. This article is not gender specific.
So, back to dating the married topic: By ‘married’ I do not mean living together and experiencing the All-American dream. I mean separated & not divorced or newly divorced (still married emotionally), married by paper but not emotionally yet still going through the motions, and absolutely 100% not living together. If they still have the same POB, run Forrest run!
One of my favorite lines is (my very own quote, of course) “We’ve all made mistakes and you just hope you don’t do in your 30’s what you did in your 20’s and you hope you don’t do in your 40’s what you did in your 30’s and so on.”
Marriage is one of those institutions I have not had much luck with. I called it dating with an evil twist b/c it lasted such a short amount of time. So I have no background with successful marriage. But how many people do? I’ve known a lot of people in long-term marriages (reminds me of long-term health care…) but not many who are happy. My friend Richard says that familiarity breeds contempt. I think he’s right. No matter if it’s a marriage relationship or a working relationship.
So should we be dating ‘married’ people (Remember our earlier definition of married.)? No. I’ve done it before. Ok, so shoot me. But if you shoot me you have to shoot everyone else who has done it and you’d lose most of your friends and maybe even your very own spouse, if not yourself.
Most people I know have done it before and it does not go in the direction you want it; for long. If they are not divorced, not divorced for long or still being manipulated by the spouse-it’s not a good place for you to be hanging out. There are as many reasons people divorce as there are fishing lures at Bass Pro Shop or eyeliner at Dillard’s. But none of them are your business. If you forgot how to run like Forrest and you are determined to try and beat the odds (you really should just come here and play Texas Hold ‘Em on Thursday nights instead-your odds are MUCH better) then do yourself a favor and make your partner go to therapy. DO NOT take on that role; unless you can garner some cash out of the sessions??? Damn capitalists! Oh, I digress…
For this particular article I’ve gotten some feedback from several people; both people dating the ‘married’ person and the ‘married’ people themselves. Here’s what I gleaned from all of them:
When people have been married for any length of time they know just the right buttons to push in each other. These buttons range from guilt to anger to memory lane to obligation to religion and so on. Not to mention if the spouse/children find out about the new love. Lucky you, you get to be the focus and the reason and the blah, blah, blah. Now add jealousy, self-pity and self-denial to their list of negative emotions that will swirl around YOU. No matter what the wedding vows say and no matter the intent with which they were said, when the word divorce enters the arena-all bets are off. It’s sad to see people self-destruct or do their dead-level best to destroy the other, but it happens. You should not be around. Not even for the great sex.
SOME people end their marriage well. But mostly, when people are going through a divorce they tend to push each other’s buttons. If you are in the middle of this button pushing war you will constantly be listening to negativity and playing the role of comforter, psychologist and sex partner. When the smoke clears, your partner will either go back to the ex for various reasons (which will eventually not work again and so repeats the cycle) or suddenly feel free, except for you, and begin on the journey of dismissing you. The most famous line is “I need to find myself”. Well, who wants to be with someone who doesn’t know where they are?
Think about it. If someone has been in an un-healthy relationship for over a decade and suddenly (b/c even though the freeing process has been going on for years-it feels sudden to them) find themselves divorced, how do you think they feel? Free. They feel free. Separated for years does not equal signatures in dried ink on paper. The word divorce has a sudden finality. They are free.
And you should let them be free (of you) and, more importantly, you should be free of them. Just move on. If you find yourself dating a married person, separated person or a newly divorced person, pick up your self-esteem and move on. It’s a toilet bowl of negative energy that you don’t want to get flushed down. The tidy bowl man is NOT good company. The rebound person is a real person. And if you are the next person they “date” (and I use that term very loosely in this context) your new name is ‘Rebound Person’. And the ‘Rebound Person’ is usually just for sex and healing aka sexual healing.
Marriage is a commitment of great moral character. Having a good marriage and being a good spouse is probably harder than parenting. There should be medals.
However, a handful of couples come quickly to mind when I do think of happy marriages; my publisher and his wife is one. Two of my customers are others. And I have a pair of really great friends who have been in love forever. When that happens, it’s a beautiful thing. I love being around them and watching the interaction between two people who are best friends, lovers and partners. It’s also fun to watch them spar!
I’ve never been quite sure why people do it
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Faith, Hope & Love
Written 24 March 2010
…“And the greatest of these is love”
Really? Then why aren’t more people doing it? You know, demonstrating love. Now, when I say “people” I mean couples. This is a relationship column you understand. There is not a week that goes by that I do not either, a. hear about or, b. see for myself, couples destroying each other or one mate trying to destroy the other.
Destruction comes in many forms: It’s the way you comment on your partner’s weight, hair, eyes, wrinkles, career, etc. The list is endless. And as my mother always said “Sometimes it’s not what you say but, the way you say it”. Remember the little rhyme we all learned in grade school “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”? Not true. They need to quit teaching it. Healing from someone throwing a stick at us is far easier than healing from the insulting, humiliating, non-loving word.
Now just b/c someone is not physically abusive does not mean that they aren’t abusive; emotional abuse is just as bad. ALL couples argue. Choose your words carefully. Once they are out there… You may forget what you say but I can promise you the person on the receiving end does not forget. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again “You are either lifting someone up or you are tearing them down.” Partners are supposed to - actually they VOW to - lift each other up and to love each other in good times and bad. The character of a person is measured in how they behave in bad times not when everything is smooth sailing.
If you find yourself in a situation where your partner is suddenly behaving differently than normal you may want to take a good long look at the relationship. If there is a change in the way they look at you, touch you, speak to you or the way they treat you in general, beware: this is a sign of indifference and maybe even an affair. Do your best to isolate the problem and solve it. However, if your mate continues being abusive or unfaithful, there comes a time when the love you once felt is destroyed and the safest thing (for your emotional, physical and spiritual sanity) to do is to remove yourself from the abusive situation.
When the respect and trust are gone it’s an uphill battle to repair the relationship. But, the good news is that it is repairable; with God all things are possible. However, each person must re-evaluate their priorities and your priority in a relationship is your mate. Whether you are dating or married. Your priority is not your children or your job; God first, family second and career third. If you do what is morally right, your family and your career will take care of themselves. No one ever said on their death bed “Gee, I wish I would have spent more time at the office.”
Our job in a relationship is to make the other person feel loved, respected, supported, trusted and most of all secure. When someone feels all of these things from someone they love and care about, the world is theirs to conquer; women as well as men.
It breaks my heart to hear about good people being mistreated by the one they love. Additionally, it is also hard to hear how hard people try to save a sinking ship. My cousin’s marriage counselor once said “Sometimes, there is just too much water under the bridge.” Don’t you think that’s true? Some things are worth holding onto and some things are worth letting go of. You just have to know when to let go. You cannot hang onto the ladder when it is being pulled under by the weight of the ship or you go down into the abyss with it. You cannot hang on at the detriment of your soul and your sanity when the other person in the relationship refuses to be part of a Godly relationship – one based on God and love, not on selfish desires.
And if you are the one doing the abusing, why not at least be considerate enough to let the other person go? God gave each of us free will. We CANNOT control what another person does. Sometimes we stay b/c what they say is what we want to hear. But what are they doing? It’s the actions not the words we must take heed to. Love is an action. If someone loves you, you know it. If they don’t you know that too. You may not want to admit it, but you know it.
Years ago I witnessed my friend’s husband die of a heart attack right I front of us. Theirs was a holy, loving, patient, passionate relationship. She was so angry and mad at him for leaving her that she finally sought counseling. She said she had never been so angry. During her healing process her therapist said that this was actually easier than being that much in love and them leaving you (an affair or just ending the relationship). Because then they choose to leave you and that is a personal rejection which is harder to absorb than death; not that either are easy. Just some food for thought…
Life is a gift to us from God. What we do with our life is our gift back to Him.
Relationships are difficult at best. Two people living in one house. Two totally separate states of emotions and thought processes. And at a later stage in life you have a lot of old baggage you are bringing into a new relationship. There are a lot of one liners I can throw in here; “Seek first to understand and then to be understood”, “Be still and know that I am God”, “Seek ye first the kingdom of Heaven”, “Rome wasn’t built in a day”, “To know love is to show love”, etc. But it all boils down to love doesn’t it? The Bible says “Love thy neighbor”. My pastor says that your neighbor is whoever is right next to you. I try my best to apply that analogy. Do I always succeed? No. But I try and I also try to grasp when I’m not trying hard enough. It takes a lot of will power and a lot of breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth. It takes faith.
Whenever I’m around a couple who is in love and demonstrating love, I want what they have. Don’t you? Then do everything in your power to obtain it; pray, meditate, love, forgive, forget, remind yourself of something, leave, stay, whatever it is you need to do-just do it. But find love and hang on to love. Bitterness, anger, jealousy, hatred, etc. all come from somewhere but, it is not from God and it is not from a place of love.
Similar to our freedom, love is one of those emotions we human beings cannot live without. We crave love like we crave our favorite dessert when we’re on a diet. And if you are in a healthy partnership, you feel free and you feel loved but moreover you want the other person to feel free and to feel loved.
I’ve been loved before and I know what it feels like. Do you? If so, remember that feeling and go find The One who is worthy of your love and who desires to give it right back to you.
Faith, hope and love. And, the greatest of these is love.
…“And the greatest of these is love”
Really? Then why aren’t more people doing it? You know, demonstrating love. Now, when I say “people” I mean couples. This is a relationship column you understand. There is not a week that goes by that I do not either, a. hear about or, b. see for myself, couples destroying each other or one mate trying to destroy the other.
Destruction comes in many forms: It’s the way you comment on your partner’s weight, hair, eyes, wrinkles, career, etc. The list is endless. And as my mother always said “Sometimes it’s not what you say but, the way you say it”. Remember the little rhyme we all learned in grade school “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”? Not true. They need to quit teaching it. Healing from someone throwing a stick at us is far easier than healing from the insulting, humiliating, non-loving word.
Now just b/c someone is not physically abusive does not mean that they aren’t abusive; emotional abuse is just as bad. ALL couples argue. Choose your words carefully. Once they are out there… You may forget what you say but I can promise you the person on the receiving end does not forget. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again “You are either lifting someone up or you are tearing them down.” Partners are supposed to - actually they VOW to - lift each other up and to love each other in good times and bad. The character of a person is measured in how they behave in bad times not when everything is smooth sailing.
If you find yourself in a situation where your partner is suddenly behaving differently than normal you may want to take a good long look at the relationship. If there is a change in the way they look at you, touch you, speak to you or the way they treat you in general, beware: this is a sign of indifference and maybe even an affair. Do your best to isolate the problem and solve it. However, if your mate continues being abusive or unfaithful, there comes a time when the love you once felt is destroyed and the safest thing (for your emotional, physical and spiritual sanity) to do is to remove yourself from the abusive situation.
When the respect and trust are gone it’s an uphill battle to repair the relationship. But, the good news is that it is repairable; with God all things are possible. However, each person must re-evaluate their priorities and your priority in a relationship is your mate. Whether you are dating or married. Your priority is not your children or your job; God first, family second and career third. If you do what is morally right, your family and your career will take care of themselves. No one ever said on their death bed “Gee, I wish I would have spent more time at the office.”
Our job in a relationship is to make the other person feel loved, respected, supported, trusted and most of all secure. When someone feels all of these things from someone they love and care about, the world is theirs to conquer; women as well as men.
It breaks my heart to hear about good people being mistreated by the one they love. Additionally, it is also hard to hear how hard people try to save a sinking ship. My cousin’s marriage counselor once said “Sometimes, there is just too much water under the bridge.” Don’t you think that’s true? Some things are worth holding onto and some things are worth letting go of. You just have to know when to let go. You cannot hang onto the ladder when it is being pulled under by the weight of the ship or you go down into the abyss with it. You cannot hang on at the detriment of your soul and your sanity when the other person in the relationship refuses to be part of a Godly relationship – one based on God and love, not on selfish desires.
And if you are the one doing the abusing, why not at least be considerate enough to let the other person go? God gave each of us free will. We CANNOT control what another person does. Sometimes we stay b/c what they say is what we want to hear. But what are they doing? It’s the actions not the words we must take heed to. Love is an action. If someone loves you, you know it. If they don’t you know that too. You may not want to admit it, but you know it.
Years ago I witnessed my friend’s husband die of a heart attack right I front of us. Theirs was a holy, loving, patient, passionate relationship. She was so angry and mad at him for leaving her that she finally sought counseling. She said she had never been so angry. During her healing process her therapist said that this was actually easier than being that much in love and them leaving you (an affair or just ending the relationship). Because then they choose to leave you and that is a personal rejection which is harder to absorb than death; not that either are easy. Just some food for thought…
Life is a gift to us from God. What we do with our life is our gift back to Him.
Relationships are difficult at best. Two people living in one house. Two totally separate states of emotions and thought processes. And at a later stage in life you have a lot of old baggage you are bringing into a new relationship. There are a lot of one liners I can throw in here; “Seek first to understand and then to be understood”, “Be still and know that I am God”, “Seek ye first the kingdom of Heaven”, “Rome wasn’t built in a day”, “To know love is to show love”, etc. But it all boils down to love doesn’t it? The Bible says “Love thy neighbor”. My pastor says that your neighbor is whoever is right next to you. I try my best to apply that analogy. Do I always succeed? No. But I try and I also try to grasp when I’m not trying hard enough. It takes a lot of will power and a lot of breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth. It takes faith.
Whenever I’m around a couple who is in love and demonstrating love, I want what they have. Don’t you? Then do everything in your power to obtain it; pray, meditate, love, forgive, forget, remind yourself of something, leave, stay, whatever it is you need to do-just do it. But find love and hang on to love. Bitterness, anger, jealousy, hatred, etc. all come from somewhere but, it is not from God and it is not from a place of love.
Similar to our freedom, love is one of those emotions we human beings cannot live without. We crave love like we crave our favorite dessert when we’re on a diet. And if you are in a healthy partnership, you feel free and you feel loved but moreover you want the other person to feel free and to feel loved.
I’ve been loved before and I know what it feels like. Do you? If so, remember that feeling and go find The One who is worthy of your love and who desires to give it right back to you.
Faith, hope and love. And, the greatest of these is love.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Sophie & Richard Sittin’ In A Tree…
by Crystal Laramore
Edited by Deborah K. Martin
…F-u-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes moving in without an engagement ring, wedding date, promise or picture of one. Then comes Richard with a chain saw, cuts off her limb and there she is-on her butt on the cold, hard, damp ground-alone.
But enough about why you shouldn’t let him have the milk without buying the cow.
Anyhoo…my bff Sophia is dating Richard. Now, as I’ve expressed in previous articles, I do not have crappy, ugly, homeless, unemployed, mean, psychotic or dumb girlfriends; which, of course, means that Sophia is beautiful, smart, gainfully employed, mostly rational and is certainly not crappy.
One recent seemingly normal evening Sophia or Sophie as we call her crawled into bed and snuggled up to Richard for some warmth and coloring. Richard’s response was “What do you want”? Sophie: “Some attention”. Richard: “Well you don’t always get what you want. I have a lot of things on my mind and you are not high on my list of priorities right now”. End of conversation, no detail, no “I’m not in a great mood, but baby, it’s not your fault.”
Really? Are you kidding me? Now remember I said she’s hot! Oh, well I meant to. She’s hot as in STOP traffic hot and if that’s not enough, she’s S.M.A.R.T. in capital letters.. Makes her living with numbers for Pete’s sake!!
So anyway, being an avid fan of Sex in the Woods and a good student to boot she got up the next morning, formulated a plan and left Richard a note worthy of his behavior. It went something like this:
“Since you have a lot on your mind and I’m not high on your list of priorities I’ve decided to take the weekend and figure out what MY priorities are”.
THAT’s my girl! No ugly scenes, no ultimatums, no begging for his love. Nope. She wrote just this one incredible sentence and got the heck out of Dodge! Yeah! So what do you think happened when he read said note? Well, first he blamed her for the whole situation. Isn’t that typical? I know women do this, too, but right now we’re talking about men so don’t get on my case, okay? When crappy guys screw up, their first reaction is to point the finger anywhere but at themselves.
Will someone (a man preferably) PLEASE tell me what’s so hard about sucking it up and being a stand up guy?? Is it really THAT hard to say, “Baby, I wasn’t in a good mood last night but I didn’t really mean to take it out on you. Can you forgive me?” Listen, after we picked our outstanding selves off the floor of COURSE we’d forgive you. All you have to do is ask – and then never but NEVER do that thing again. If you keep doing that same crappy thing over and over the “Baby, I’m sorry” spiel gets to be kind of meaningless. Know what I mean?
Anyway, after she called him out on the blame game and he figured out she really was going to stay AWAY from home for the weekend (like she said she was going to do) her crackberry hasn’t stopped dinging! He’s burning up the information hot lines with txt messages, phone calls, pics of himself, etc. Push – Pull. The chase; the hunt.
According to the Bit#h books she is doing just the right thing. And he is responding accordingly. Richard was being a, well, a Richard and Sophie decided to be a bit#h. Now, Sophie is not good at this but luckily for her-her bff IS! Again, we don’t mean for you ladies to be a mean Bit#h, but a sweet, charming, fully capable and independent woman. In fact, Sophie has a number of friends who were ready to give wise counsel and help her hold HIM to HER high standards. It had to be done.
Remember what Dr. Phil said long ago when he was on Oprah’s show? I’ll never forget this incredible, powerful bit of information.. Ladies – read, study, learn, apply. Here it is:
“You teach people how to treat you.” If any of you Sophie’s out there are having trouble with your significant (or not so significant) other perhaps you have taught him how to treat you. Stop it. Do you hear me? STOP it NOW!!! You deserve to be treated well so don’t let ANYone get away with treating you like crap.
We don’t know the details of the final outcome b/c right now she’s still deciding if he’s worth her time and he’s showing her all the reason why he is. Richard did a bad, bad thing and he has to convince Sophie that he will not do that again. His reasons could be many but none are worthy. We cannot speak to our significant others in a less than respectful manner if we expect them to continue to love us. Will she give him another chance? We’ll keep you posted…One thing we know for sure:
Sophie decided she deserved better treatment so she did something really simple to get his attention – she walked out when he wasn’t looking. When he checked out she checked out. When he did the unexpected she did the unexpected. She stood up for herself. She put herself at the top of her priority list since clearly he had taken her off of his.
If you ever find yourself in this situation and don’t know what to say to Richard, I’m gonna go with last weeks closing remarks:
“Feelin Froggy? Jump”.
Edited by Deborah K. Martin
…F-u-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes moving in without an engagement ring, wedding date, promise or picture of one. Then comes Richard with a chain saw, cuts off her limb and there she is-on her butt on the cold, hard, damp ground-alone.
But enough about why you shouldn’t let him have the milk without buying the cow.
Anyhoo…my bff Sophia is dating Richard. Now, as I’ve expressed in previous articles, I do not have crappy, ugly, homeless, unemployed, mean, psychotic or dumb girlfriends; which, of course, means that Sophia is beautiful, smart, gainfully employed, mostly rational and is certainly not crappy.
One recent seemingly normal evening Sophia or Sophie as we call her crawled into bed and snuggled up to Richard for some warmth and coloring. Richard’s response was “What do you want”? Sophie: “Some attention”. Richard: “Well you don’t always get what you want. I have a lot of things on my mind and you are not high on my list of priorities right now”. End of conversation, no detail, no “I’m not in a great mood, but baby, it’s not your fault.”
Really? Are you kidding me? Now remember I said she’s hot! Oh, well I meant to. She’s hot as in STOP traffic hot and if that’s not enough, she’s S.M.A.R.T. in capital letters.. Makes her living with numbers for Pete’s sake!!
So anyway, being an avid fan of Sex in the Woods and a good student to boot she got up the next morning, formulated a plan and left Richard a note worthy of his behavior. It went something like this:
“Since you have a lot on your mind and I’m not high on your list of priorities I’ve decided to take the weekend and figure out what MY priorities are”.
THAT’s my girl! No ugly scenes, no ultimatums, no begging for his love. Nope. She wrote just this one incredible sentence and got the heck out of Dodge! Yeah! So what do you think happened when he read said note? Well, first he blamed her for the whole situation. Isn’t that typical? I know women do this, too, but right now we’re talking about men so don’t get on my case, okay? When crappy guys screw up, their first reaction is to point the finger anywhere but at themselves.
Will someone (a man preferably) PLEASE tell me what’s so hard about sucking it up and being a stand up guy?? Is it really THAT hard to say, “Baby, I wasn’t in a good mood last night but I didn’t really mean to take it out on you. Can you forgive me?” Listen, after we picked our outstanding selves off the floor of COURSE we’d forgive you. All you have to do is ask – and then never but NEVER do that thing again. If you keep doing that same crappy thing over and over the “Baby, I’m sorry” spiel gets to be kind of meaningless. Know what I mean?
Anyway, after she called him out on the blame game and he figured out she really was going to stay AWAY from home for the weekend (like she said she was going to do) her crackberry hasn’t stopped dinging! He’s burning up the information hot lines with txt messages, phone calls, pics of himself, etc. Push – Pull. The chase; the hunt.
According to the Bit#h books she is doing just the right thing. And he is responding accordingly. Richard was being a, well, a Richard and Sophie decided to be a bit#h. Now, Sophie is not good at this but luckily for her-her bff IS! Again, we don’t mean for you ladies to be a mean Bit#h, but a sweet, charming, fully capable and independent woman. In fact, Sophie has a number of friends who were ready to give wise counsel and help her hold HIM to HER high standards. It had to be done.
Remember what Dr. Phil said long ago when he was on Oprah’s show? I’ll never forget this incredible, powerful bit of information.. Ladies – read, study, learn, apply. Here it is:
“You teach people how to treat you.” If any of you Sophie’s out there are having trouble with your significant (or not so significant) other perhaps you have taught him how to treat you. Stop it. Do you hear me? STOP it NOW!!! You deserve to be treated well so don’t let ANYone get away with treating you like crap.
We don’t know the details of the final outcome b/c right now she’s still deciding if he’s worth her time and he’s showing her all the reason why he is. Richard did a bad, bad thing and he has to convince Sophie that he will not do that again. His reasons could be many but none are worthy. We cannot speak to our significant others in a less than respectful manner if we expect them to continue to love us. Will she give him another chance? We’ll keep you posted…One thing we know for sure:
Sophie decided she deserved better treatment so she did something really simple to get his attention – she walked out when he wasn’t looking. When he checked out she checked out. When he did the unexpected she did the unexpected. She stood up for herself. She put herself at the top of her priority list since clearly he had taken her off of his.
If you ever find yourself in this situation and don’t know what to say to Richard, I’m gonna go with last weeks closing remarks:
“Feelin Froggy? Jump”.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Prince Charming MARRIES Cinderella…
by Crystal Laramore Lutz
…in an enchanted land far, far away.
Through all the moaning, bellyaching, griping and general bitc#!n& I did last year about Richard; after all the Big A$$ Shiraz in the Continental U.S. was consumed I must admit: it was all worth it to stumble into the arms of my true Prince Charming; the real Prince Charming; the one who DOES what the imposter promised.
My sister, Jacqueline, used to be a big-wig-banking-executive and her analogy for most men she dated was “The real man never shows up until about 3-6 mos. into dating. Nope, until they have you where they want you, they send their representative”. Snicker. Doesn’t this ring true! (BTW, she found her Prince Charming too!)
But when you Cinderellas out there (and we are ALL Cinderella!) meet your Prince Charming (and know how to keep him b/c you’ve been reading the books) he WILL marry you! That is what Princes do. It’s the frogs that kiss us, woo us, whisper sweet nothing’s in our ear, buy us flowers and chocolates and dump us (or prepare us for the dumping) via a text message. But, I’m not bitter.
Now, to be fair, if you are Cinderella and he is kissing and wooing and being generally superficial about the relationship yet you are sleeping in his kingdom without the keys or coloring in the fairy-tale book with his colors-you deserve to be dumped. There is too much coloring going on these days and not enough talking. Oh, shut up frogs!
Cinderella-if he is a Prince-he will want to talk to you. He will want to know your needs and desires (sometimes he’s trying to figure out if he can handle them so don’t have diarrhea of the mouth pls.) He will want to KNOW so he can ACT on this information. Action is the key here. Words mean nothing. Any old frog can croak out, “I love you.”
But, the REAL prince will woo you beyond your wildest imagination. He will listen to what you say. He will pay attention. He will respect your boundaries, so have some! He WANTS to know them because frogs and even princes will test the boundaries. But he also wants to know so he can fulfill your desires. Princes like doing that. They (the princes) get a kick out of making us happy! Anyway, like I said a minute ago – boundaries - get some! And keep them.
And if it’s a commitment you want, he’ll search his kingdom over until he has just the proper jewels to bestow upon you. But, you must have standards and make them known. Prince or frog; neither can read your lovely mind.
When my last frog (oh, I’ve been through many frogs and made ALL the mistakes) showed his ugly warts my Prince Charming Husband was hanging around waiting to pick up the pieces. I did not immediately warm up to him b/c I still had some ugly warts from the frog but, he was persistent. I gave him all the reasons I was not interested in him. I made him read the insanity that had been my life-yes, the same insanity you all read! Still, he was “all-in”. Why? Because he knew a Cinderella when he saw one. He knew how rare they were to find. And being a Prince and all he wasn’t afraid of the big, dark, scary, frightening word “commitment”. No, on the contrary he embraced the thought of happily ever-after with the princess he saw before him.
And let me tell you-I AM his princess. A year later, after an incredible courtship, wedding and honeymoon he is STILL treating me with all the love and respect and admiration a woman could ever hope to wrap her mind around. He IS my number one fan!
Just last night he gave me a hot oil treatment for my hair. (HIS IDEA LADIES) Since the magic potion had to sit for 15 minutes he rubbed my feet with exfoliating lotion and buffed my heels! Oh yeah! Now listen, HE lit the candles and incense and HE channeled Barry White and Aaron Neville through the iPOD.
Amazingly enough, he did all of this KNOWING there was a football game on that he could be watching in HD on the new LED! Oh yes he did! But wait-there’s more. After the hair treatment he poured me a glass of French wine, brought me Belgium dark chocolates, gave me an hour long Swedish massage and whispered sweet nothing’s in my ear.
At some point I vaguely remember asking him “How’d I get so lucky to marry such a good man”? He replied, as any Prince would, “Because you are a good woman”.
So the next time some guy is jerking you around, I have three tiny words for you to say to him: “Feeling froggy? Jump”!
…in an enchanted land far, far away.
Through all the moaning, bellyaching, griping and general bitc#!n& I did last year about Richard; after all the Big A$$ Shiraz in the Continental U.S. was consumed I must admit: it was all worth it to stumble into the arms of my true Prince Charming; the real Prince Charming; the one who DOES what the imposter promised.
My sister, Jacqueline, used to be a big-wig-banking-executive and her analogy for most men she dated was “The real man never shows up until about 3-6 mos. into dating. Nope, until they have you where they want you, they send their representative”. Snicker. Doesn’t this ring true! (BTW, she found her Prince Charming too!)
But when you Cinderellas out there (and we are ALL Cinderella!) meet your Prince Charming (and know how to keep him b/c you’ve been reading the books) he WILL marry you! That is what Princes do. It’s the frogs that kiss us, woo us, whisper sweet nothing’s in our ear, buy us flowers and chocolates and dump us (or prepare us for the dumping) via a text message. But, I’m not bitter.
Now, to be fair, if you are Cinderella and he is kissing and wooing and being generally superficial about the relationship yet you are sleeping in his kingdom without the keys or coloring in the fairy-tale book with his colors-you deserve to be dumped. There is too much coloring going on these days and not enough talking. Oh, shut up frogs!
Cinderella-if he is a Prince-he will want to talk to you. He will want to know your needs and desires (sometimes he’s trying to figure out if he can handle them so don’t have diarrhea of the mouth pls.) He will want to KNOW so he can ACT on this information. Action is the key here. Words mean nothing. Any old frog can croak out, “I love you.”
But, the REAL prince will woo you beyond your wildest imagination. He will listen to what you say. He will pay attention. He will respect your boundaries, so have some! He WANTS to know them because frogs and even princes will test the boundaries. But he also wants to know so he can fulfill your desires. Princes like doing that. They (the princes) get a kick out of making us happy! Anyway, like I said a minute ago – boundaries - get some! And keep them.
And if it’s a commitment you want, he’ll search his kingdom over until he has just the proper jewels to bestow upon you. But, you must have standards and make them known. Prince or frog; neither can read your lovely mind.
When my last frog (oh, I’ve been through many frogs and made ALL the mistakes) showed his ugly warts my Prince Charming Husband was hanging around waiting to pick up the pieces. I did not immediately warm up to him b/c I still had some ugly warts from the frog but, he was persistent. I gave him all the reasons I was not interested in him. I made him read the insanity that had been my life-yes, the same insanity you all read! Still, he was “all-in”. Why? Because he knew a Cinderella when he saw one. He knew how rare they were to find. And being a Prince and all he wasn’t afraid of the big, dark, scary, frightening word “commitment”. No, on the contrary he embraced the thought of happily ever-after with the princess he saw before him.
And let me tell you-I AM his princess. A year later, after an incredible courtship, wedding and honeymoon he is STILL treating me with all the love and respect and admiration a woman could ever hope to wrap her mind around. He IS my number one fan!
Just last night he gave me a hot oil treatment for my hair. (HIS IDEA LADIES) Since the magic potion had to sit for 15 minutes he rubbed my feet with exfoliating lotion and buffed my heels! Oh yeah! Now listen, HE lit the candles and incense and HE channeled Barry White and Aaron Neville through the iPOD.
Amazingly enough, he did all of this KNOWING there was a football game on that he could be watching in HD on the new LED! Oh yes he did! But wait-there’s more. After the hair treatment he poured me a glass of French wine, brought me Belgium dark chocolates, gave me an hour long Swedish massage and whispered sweet nothing’s in my ear.
At some point I vaguely remember asking him “How’d I get so lucky to marry such a good man”? He replied, as any Prince would, “Because you are a good woman”.
So the next time some guy is jerking you around, I have three tiny words for you to say to him: “Feeling froggy? Jump”!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Throwing Up Pretty, Broken Promises
By Crystal Laramore & Deborah K. Martin
We get letters…we turn them into articles…it’s our job…it’s what we do...call it a public service.
Dear Richard, (They are ALL Richards)
You’d think I’d be done with all the crying in my beer and hanging out at pity parties, what with all those black balloons and sharp objects...
Seriously, it’s been 4 ½ years and how many breakups/breakthroughs? How many times have you, Richard, charmed your way back into my life? How many times, Richard, have I let you? And how stupid does that make ME? (Wait, that’s a subject for another article…)
This time however, is different in some ways. For one, it's the last time. I felt the tension for months before finally bringing up the fact that I believed we made “a mistake”. You quickly agreed and we took it from there. It was all so civilized, wasn’t it ,Richard? We even continued to live in the same house, albeit in separate bedrooms. We didn’t even fight. We laughed. And you even said you felt like a P.O.S. I told you there was no need for you to feel like a P.O.S. But, Richard - I lied. You are and you should.
Why did I ever want to try again with you, Richard, after what you’d put me through before? I think it was those pretty words and your charming nature. Maybe you spiked my Big A$$ Shiraz (BAS) with prozac...We get along so well, you see, that I always find it hard to believe we’re not in love anymore. It’s like that Michael McDonald song “I keep forgettin we’re not in love anymore”. And Oh yes, there was a time when I was stupid-in-love with you. Love of my life, I’d say. Can’t imagine life without him, I’d say. Even though you Richard, never kept your promises and continued to behave like a P.O.S. Why IS that?? Looking back, I say to myself, “Self, what WERE ya thinkin’??” Clearly, not much of MYSELF…
I guess sometimes even a bond with the wrong person can be a very strong one (with enough BAS & Prozac). We have almost 5 years of history between us, some of it very good. But the bad stuff finally outweighed the good stuff. Your drama, your immaturity, your bigotry, your laziness in the relationship? Hard to ignore, but the one thing – the ONE thing Richard - I could no longer ignore was your “the grass is always greener” attitude. That killed it for me. And then I wanted to kill you and with BAS & Prozac lying around, well you can see my dilemma...
You never wanted me when you had me, only when you didn’t or when another relationship went sour. Since you were just as cruel to others I guess I shouldn’t take it personally, but it’s sure hard not to. It feels personal to hear you say, “I’ve FINALLY found someone I can dance with”, when you know that’s my favorite thing to do and you know I’m better than her! Am too! And too much dancing at your age Richard...well let's just say you've been warned.
Another cleverly delivered line was when you moved back to your own place and said, “I’m FINALLY (there’s that word again) home,” after I worked so hard to make OUR home a haven for you. Why do men do that? Why do they just stand there saying stupid $hit, begging to die? It’s like that song in Chicago : one verse goes like this here “And then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife 10 times”.
Anyhoo, it’s hard not to take things personally, Richard, when you continue to beg to come back only to start pulling away as soon as Three Men Movers pulls out of the gate. You loudly proclaim how wrong you were to leave, how simple life is with me and how complicated it is with everyone else – yet you still want someone (it seems anyone) else. Maybe you just have a crush on Three Men Movers. I’ve never been enough for you and that’s a feeling I no longer desire to experience. And where was LOVE in all this 'wanting to come back'?? NOW, with a little help from BAS & Prozac, I remember that you never said you missed me and LOVED me. You only said that I was easy (like Sunday morning?) Well, Richard, that’s no way to build a lifelong relationship.
I want someone who really loves me for who I am and appreciates what I bring to the table, besides the bone-in rib-eyes! For all your lip service, you never appreciated me and I don’t think you really loved me either. You said you did, but honey, words are cheap and plentiful. Without actions to back them up, the words only made me feel insecure. And if you were a real man Richard, you'd want your woman to feel loved and secure. Read that last sentence again, honey! If you were a REAL man, etc.
I'm not one of those “needy” women who have to have a man around to feel happy or complete. Having a good relationship is just a bonus as far as I’m concerned. But a relationship with you was kinda like a cash bonus, here one day gone the next. And when you go, like ya always do, AFTER the crying, AFTER the angst and self-doubt, AFTER the loneliness passes, Richard; I feel just fine. Better than fine. I feel like me again. And ya know what, Richard? I LIKE me and I LIKE life without your drama. I work with women, I have enough drama!
Maybe that’s part of your problem – you thrive on drama but can’t cope with everyday life. These days you’re back to club hopping. Really?! At your age??? (For the reader's he's in his late 50's.) When I’m thinking logically after a couple of bottles of BAS, I know that you are a very unhealthy person emotionally, and not nearly worthy of a terrific woman like me. I also know that if I’m patient with myself everything is going to be okay. If I can just stay away from the knife drawer next time you're near me. The challenge at the moment is getting from here to there; wanting to kill you phase to being ok phase; in case you can't connect the dots all by your selfish, worthless, POS self...oh my, did I say that out loud?
When I asked my best friend, Sophia, why I’m still feeling sad and angry even though I don’t want you back she said this: “It's all those pretty words they spoke from their pretty mouths that we ate up, digested and then had to puke up when they said ‘Sh!t. Never mind.’”
Then she told me to get a lot of BAS and Prozac. Duh! I'm a follower!
Broken promises are sharp like broken glass and hard to keep on the stomach. I guess I’ve still got some puking to do.
We get letters…we turn them into articles…it’s our job…it’s what we do...call it a public service.
Dear Richard, (They are ALL Richards)
You’d think I’d be done with all the crying in my beer and hanging out at pity parties, what with all those black balloons and sharp objects...
Seriously, it’s been 4 ½ years and how many breakups/breakthroughs? How many times have you, Richard, charmed your way back into my life? How many times, Richard, have I let you? And how stupid does that make ME? (Wait, that’s a subject for another article…)
This time however, is different in some ways. For one, it's the last time. I felt the tension for months before finally bringing up the fact that I believed we made “a mistake”. You quickly agreed and we took it from there. It was all so civilized, wasn’t it ,Richard? We even continued to live in the same house, albeit in separate bedrooms. We didn’t even fight. We laughed. And you even said you felt like a P.O.S. I told you there was no need for you to feel like a P.O.S. But, Richard - I lied. You are and you should.
Why did I ever want to try again with you, Richard, after what you’d put me through before? I think it was those pretty words and your charming nature. Maybe you spiked my Big A$$ Shiraz (BAS) with prozac...We get along so well, you see, that I always find it hard to believe we’re not in love anymore. It’s like that Michael McDonald song “I keep forgettin we’re not in love anymore”. And Oh yes, there was a time when I was stupid-in-love with you. Love of my life, I’d say. Can’t imagine life without him, I’d say. Even though you Richard, never kept your promises and continued to behave like a P.O.S. Why IS that?? Looking back, I say to myself, “Self, what WERE ya thinkin’??” Clearly, not much of MYSELF…
I guess sometimes even a bond with the wrong person can be a very strong one (with enough BAS & Prozac). We have almost 5 years of history between us, some of it very good. But the bad stuff finally outweighed the good stuff. Your drama, your immaturity, your bigotry, your laziness in the relationship? Hard to ignore, but the one thing – the ONE thing Richard - I could no longer ignore was your “the grass is always greener” attitude. That killed it for me. And then I wanted to kill you and with BAS & Prozac lying around, well you can see my dilemma...
You never wanted me when you had me, only when you didn’t or when another relationship went sour. Since you were just as cruel to others I guess I shouldn’t take it personally, but it’s sure hard not to. It feels personal to hear you say, “I’ve FINALLY found someone I can dance with”, when you know that’s my favorite thing to do and you know I’m better than her! Am too! And too much dancing at your age Richard...well let's just say you've been warned.
Another cleverly delivered line was when you moved back to your own place and said, “I’m FINALLY (there’s that word again) home,” after I worked so hard to make OUR home a haven for you. Why do men do that? Why do they just stand there saying stupid $hit, begging to die? It’s like that song in Chicago : one verse goes like this here “And then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife 10 times”.
Anyhoo, it’s hard not to take things personally, Richard, when you continue to beg to come back only to start pulling away as soon as Three Men Movers pulls out of the gate. You loudly proclaim how wrong you were to leave, how simple life is with me and how complicated it is with everyone else – yet you still want someone (it seems anyone) else. Maybe you just have a crush on Three Men Movers. I’ve never been enough for you and that’s a feeling I no longer desire to experience. And where was LOVE in all this 'wanting to come back'?? NOW, with a little help from BAS & Prozac, I remember that you never said you missed me and LOVED me. You only said that I was easy (like Sunday morning?) Well, Richard, that’s no way to build a lifelong relationship.
I want someone who really loves me for who I am and appreciates what I bring to the table, besides the bone-in rib-eyes! For all your lip service, you never appreciated me and I don’t think you really loved me either. You said you did, but honey, words are cheap and plentiful. Without actions to back them up, the words only made me feel insecure. And if you were a real man Richard, you'd want your woman to feel loved and secure. Read that last sentence again, honey! If you were a REAL man, etc.
I'm not one of those “needy” women who have to have a man around to feel happy or complete. Having a good relationship is just a bonus as far as I’m concerned. But a relationship with you was kinda like a cash bonus, here one day gone the next. And when you go, like ya always do, AFTER the crying, AFTER the angst and self-doubt, AFTER the loneliness passes, Richard; I feel just fine. Better than fine. I feel like me again. And ya know what, Richard? I LIKE me and I LIKE life without your drama. I work with women, I have enough drama!
Maybe that’s part of your problem – you thrive on drama but can’t cope with everyday life. These days you’re back to club hopping. Really?! At your age??? (For the reader's he's in his late 50's.) When I’m thinking logically after a couple of bottles of BAS, I know that you are a very unhealthy person emotionally, and not nearly worthy of a terrific woman like me. I also know that if I’m patient with myself everything is going to be okay. If I can just stay away from the knife drawer next time you're near me. The challenge at the moment is getting from here to there; wanting to kill you phase to being ok phase; in case you can't connect the dots all by your selfish, worthless, POS self...oh my, did I say that out loud?
When I asked my best friend, Sophia, why I’m still feeling sad and angry even though I don’t want you back she said this: “It's all those pretty words they spoke from their pretty mouths that we ate up, digested and then had to puke up when they said ‘Sh!t. Never mind.’”
Then she told me to get a lot of BAS and Prozac. Duh! I'm a follower!
Broken promises are sharp like broken glass and hard to keep on the stomach. I guess I’ve still got some puking to do.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Breakin' Up is Hard To Do
By Deborah K. Martin
Sad to say, but these days MOST relationships break up. I hardly know anyone who hasn’t had a breakup of a serious relationship or marriage to include me, my parents, grandparents and one of my sons. I guess you could say I’ve got some bad karma to overcome. Or something like that.
So my question is this: Why is it so hard to do? Break up, that is. Why is it so hard to get a grip and move on? I ask because my two good friends, Sophia and Jasmine, came to me recently with similar dilemmas. They both had bad breakups but are finding it very difficult to get the sorry guy out of their minds and hearts so they can really, truly move on. I can’t tell it as well as they can so I’ll transcribe their stories as told to me.
Sophia came to me recently, in a happy relationship. Yeah, I know, so what’s the problem? Well, her prince charming (note – no capitals) is very charming indeed. He’s one of those guys who seem to LIVE to fulfill your every wish. (Where is good cloning technology when you need it?!) You name it – poof it appears, kind of like a genie in a bottle but the male kind. He adores every little quirky part of Sophia and let me tell you, she’s no shy flower. She says what she means and means what she says. She knows what she wants and she’s not shy about asking for it. I love that about her!
And you know what? HE loves her for it. And she loves him, but she tells me she may not be IN love with him. Why? Because there’s a ghost hanging around who just won’t go away. It’s the ghost of Prince Charming, the one who won her heart even though he turned out to be not so charming after all. Couldn’t hang when the going got a smidge challenging. But he had her heart and he still haunts her. Sophia says sometimes she feels like she’s in the wrong fairy tale.
It’s not that she’s unhappy exactly. She does love the little prince in many ways and they’re even planning a future together. Is she settling? You’d have to ask her. She doesn’t think so and she thinks she may “fall” for the other guy in time, especially considering how much REAL love he’s showering on her these days. Love IS a verb, after all. She just wishes the ghost would go haunt someone else and give her peace.
Then there’s Jasmine. She fell equally hard for her Prince but his flaws turned out to be too much for her poor heart to handle. He’s one of those roguishly charming men who makes a great buddy but a terrible lover and partner. If it’s not ALL about him he completely withdraws. No discussion, no issues. He demands perfection and adoration. Maybe perfect adoration. Of him. Even so, for several years Jasmine gave him chance after chance to do what he SAID he wanted to do. Commit. To her. But he always let her down.
He was never happy with what he had (her), he always wanted something or someone “out there”, but he always wanted to come back and until recently she always took him back because he had her heart. But a funny thing happened over the years. Every time he pulled away, saying he “didn’t know what he wanted” (while already pursuing someone else) she pulled a little bit of her heart back from him until finally, remarkably, miraculously – she wasn’t in love with him anymore.
It reminds me of that movie, “The Breakup” with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughan. Things are horrible between them and she keeps saying she wants him back but when he finally comes to her and tells her he wants to change for her – she realizes it’s too little too late – she no longer feels the same way for him.
Still, Jasmine is like most women, including Sophia. When we commit our hearts to a man, we then set aside a whole story of how life is going to be. We envision our future together and we plan for it. We SHOULD be able to plan for it. All the princes know this and they participate in the story, promising us all kinds of things we wish for. Maybe they want it, too.
When things go wrong, it doesn’t matter why the breakup occurs. We suffer two losses – we lose our companion and we lose the dream and plan for our future. BAM! Gone in an instant! Sometimes I think that’s the hardest part. Companionship is a dime a dozen but that hope for the future with your someone special is unique and sacred.
Sophia and Jasmine lost hope. They lost the dream. They lost a special future. Sophia now has someone who desperately wants to give her the future she desires but a part of her heart is stuck on “the dream” from the frog prince. Jasmine still remembers better days, happier times of laughter and the promise of a lifetime of play together. She knows it will never be so. Not with this man. She’s confident that there is another man out there who WILL fulfill her desires and give her a chance to fulfill his. But he’s not here. Not yet.
These women are in mourning and maybe you are, too. The process is the same whether you are mourning the loss of a job, a spouse, a child or a future. There are stages to go through and my advice to Sophia, Jasmine and to you out there in similar circumstances is to let yourself feel every stage. First comes denial and hopefully it won’t last long. I mean, it is what it is. He’s gone (probably with a new princess) and you’re left here to pick up the pieces. Sounds pretty real to me. Sophia and Jasmine would tell you it feels MUCH too real. And painful.
Then you need to get angry. Go ahead. BE angry. You have a right to your anger. He made promises, didn’t he? If you’re like Sophia and Jasmine you did your dead level best and he didn’t hold up to his end of the bargain. But don’t let your anger simmer too long or you will point it at yourself and that is always destructive.
After anger, your next goal should be to move on to acceptance and gratitude. Remember what Greg Berendt said in “He’s Just Not That Into You” – just because this one isn’t the one that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you so move on until you find the one who IS into you. Once you’ve accepted the demise of this relationship you can begin to be grateful for the good things you once shared and remember them fondly, without the anger and without sadness.
How long does all this take? For each of us the timing is different. My friend Jasmine said it has happened gradually over the years of going in and out of the relationship with the Charmer. Little by little a sisterly fondness overtook the romantic love. I’m not sure Sophia is there yet. Her frog prince bit her pretty bad. All the right words, all the wrong actions. Now she’s got the guy with EVERYthing right and I think she’s a little shell-shocked, like she’s waiting for the other shoe to fall. Only time will heal that wound and overcome the doubt.
I guess that’s really it, then. Time gives us everything. Rest. Distance. Perspective. Wisdom. Healing. As it should be. Life is a circle. When it is broken you have to heal, then take the ends and bend them back together.
Sad to say, but these days MOST relationships break up. I hardly know anyone who hasn’t had a breakup of a serious relationship or marriage to include me, my parents, grandparents and one of my sons. I guess you could say I’ve got some bad karma to overcome. Or something like that.
So my question is this: Why is it so hard to do? Break up, that is. Why is it so hard to get a grip and move on? I ask because my two good friends, Sophia and Jasmine, came to me recently with similar dilemmas. They both had bad breakups but are finding it very difficult to get the sorry guy out of their minds and hearts so they can really, truly move on. I can’t tell it as well as they can so I’ll transcribe their stories as told to me.
Sophia came to me recently, in a happy relationship. Yeah, I know, so what’s the problem? Well, her prince charming (note – no capitals) is very charming indeed. He’s one of those guys who seem to LIVE to fulfill your every wish. (Where is good cloning technology when you need it?!) You name it – poof it appears, kind of like a genie in a bottle but the male kind. He adores every little quirky part of Sophia and let me tell you, she’s no shy flower. She says what she means and means what she says. She knows what she wants and she’s not shy about asking for it. I love that about her!
And you know what? HE loves her for it. And she loves him, but she tells me she may not be IN love with him. Why? Because there’s a ghost hanging around who just won’t go away. It’s the ghost of Prince Charming, the one who won her heart even though he turned out to be not so charming after all. Couldn’t hang when the going got a smidge challenging. But he had her heart and he still haunts her. Sophia says sometimes she feels like she’s in the wrong fairy tale.
It’s not that she’s unhappy exactly. She does love the little prince in many ways and they’re even planning a future together. Is she settling? You’d have to ask her. She doesn’t think so and she thinks she may “fall” for the other guy in time, especially considering how much REAL love he’s showering on her these days. Love IS a verb, after all. She just wishes the ghost would go haunt someone else and give her peace.
Then there’s Jasmine. She fell equally hard for her Prince but his flaws turned out to be too much for her poor heart to handle. He’s one of those roguishly charming men who makes a great buddy but a terrible lover and partner. If it’s not ALL about him he completely withdraws. No discussion, no issues. He demands perfection and adoration. Maybe perfect adoration. Of him. Even so, for several years Jasmine gave him chance after chance to do what he SAID he wanted to do. Commit. To her. But he always let her down.
He was never happy with what he had (her), he always wanted something or someone “out there”, but he always wanted to come back and until recently she always took him back because he had her heart. But a funny thing happened over the years. Every time he pulled away, saying he “didn’t know what he wanted” (while already pursuing someone else) she pulled a little bit of her heart back from him until finally, remarkably, miraculously – she wasn’t in love with him anymore.
It reminds me of that movie, “The Breakup” with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughan. Things are horrible between them and she keeps saying she wants him back but when he finally comes to her and tells her he wants to change for her – she realizes it’s too little too late – she no longer feels the same way for him.
Still, Jasmine is like most women, including Sophia. When we commit our hearts to a man, we then set aside a whole story of how life is going to be. We envision our future together and we plan for it. We SHOULD be able to plan for it. All the princes know this and they participate in the story, promising us all kinds of things we wish for. Maybe they want it, too.
When things go wrong, it doesn’t matter why the breakup occurs. We suffer two losses – we lose our companion and we lose the dream and plan for our future. BAM! Gone in an instant! Sometimes I think that’s the hardest part. Companionship is a dime a dozen but that hope for the future with your someone special is unique and sacred.
Sophia and Jasmine lost hope. They lost the dream. They lost a special future. Sophia now has someone who desperately wants to give her the future she desires but a part of her heart is stuck on “the dream” from the frog prince. Jasmine still remembers better days, happier times of laughter and the promise of a lifetime of play together. She knows it will never be so. Not with this man. She’s confident that there is another man out there who WILL fulfill her desires and give her a chance to fulfill his. But he’s not here. Not yet.
These women are in mourning and maybe you are, too. The process is the same whether you are mourning the loss of a job, a spouse, a child or a future. There are stages to go through and my advice to Sophia, Jasmine and to you out there in similar circumstances is to let yourself feel every stage. First comes denial and hopefully it won’t last long. I mean, it is what it is. He’s gone (probably with a new princess) and you’re left here to pick up the pieces. Sounds pretty real to me. Sophia and Jasmine would tell you it feels MUCH too real. And painful.
Then you need to get angry. Go ahead. BE angry. You have a right to your anger. He made promises, didn’t he? If you’re like Sophia and Jasmine you did your dead level best and he didn’t hold up to his end of the bargain. But don’t let your anger simmer too long or you will point it at yourself and that is always destructive.
After anger, your next goal should be to move on to acceptance and gratitude. Remember what Greg Berendt said in “He’s Just Not That Into You” – just because this one isn’t the one that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you so move on until you find the one who IS into you. Once you’ve accepted the demise of this relationship you can begin to be grateful for the good things you once shared and remember them fondly, without the anger and without sadness.
How long does all this take? For each of us the timing is different. My friend Jasmine said it has happened gradually over the years of going in and out of the relationship with the Charmer. Little by little a sisterly fondness overtook the romantic love. I’m not sure Sophia is there yet. Her frog prince bit her pretty bad. All the right words, all the wrong actions. Now she’s got the guy with EVERYthing right and I think she’s a little shell-shocked, like she’s waiting for the other shoe to fall. Only time will heal that wound and overcome the doubt.
I guess that’s really it, then. Time gives us everything. Rest. Distance. Perspective. Wisdom. Healing. As it should be. Life is a circle. When it is broken you have to heal, then take the ends and bend them back together.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Howlin’ @ the Moon!
By Crystal Laramore
Research can be a daunting task, just ask any researcher. And, let’s be clear; taking one person’s ideas and claiming them as your very own is plagiarism. Period. Taking many people’s ideas, rearranging them, THEN claiming them as your very own is called research! OK. Anyway, while researching one of my favorite topics, relationships, I came across a book titled, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man”. I grabbed up said book at Barnes & Noble and stowed it in my carry-on savoring it for my girl’s only trip to México.
My girlfriend, Dr. Deanna Foster has a house in Puerto Vallarta (you can stay there too: www.suenotropical.com). If you are a frequent visitor and you also happen to be very cool, like my friend Peggy Peterson, you know and refer to it simply as PV. Sometimes, I am fortunate enough to get to travel to PV and hang out there for small sums of money. And, since I only have small sums…
This time we (meaning SHE) decided no men, just us. A great week of journaling (which I bet the men are pissed they missed out on), reflection, sun-bathing au natural, self-discovery (which has nothing to do with sun-bathing au natural…it’s not like that, its INNER self-discovery), exercise and shopping which is of course is a form of exercise!
The great thing about Casa Sueno Tropical #194, is Christina and Ana! When you arrive the doors are always open so the first thing you see upon your arrival is the spectacular view of the Pacific Ocean. Drop your bags at the door and head on out to the south veranda b/c they will have fresh guacamole, pico and homemade tostada chips waiting for you. And, when you are ready, (and you do need to “ready” yourself) Christina makes your fresh, homemade margarita! One, toooo, phree, I’m a goner!
Today I arrived early so I grabbed the research goods and headed off to the south veranda to do some “research”. I don’t think tequila and thinking/good motor skills go so well together…I hadn’t even opened the darn book …when I was spilling the phird margarita everywhere, even on the book itself. Ahh maaannn, now the pages are swelled up and smell like a tequila factory.
I should take a nap. Ahhh, I see a hammock. Big yawn.
And just to be clear, my other favorite subject is politics which is why my last several articles have been on that very topic. But alas, I was tiring of the subject and ready to get back to the sex talk. The reason I love the topic of relationships so much is b/c they are so hard to understand. We have a man and we have a woman and the two are supposed to but, never really do, unite in total freaking total bliss till the end of flipping time. Gimme a break! God must be a comedian. It’s got to be the original occupation. And He apparently became so enamored with His very own wit; He thought He should spread the good cheer. Oh joy! Some jokes you should just keep to yourself. Couldn’t He have come up with something less sadistic than trying to make a man and a woman live “happily” ever after? He IS God for Peter’s sake!
I’m a little drunken. And sleepy. I should pick this up again tomorri-oh. Nighty, night.
Day two of research project in México not going much better than day one. However, I did not; I repeat I did NOT have tequila for breakfast. Snicker. I had coffee. With tequila. Not really. Snicker.
At some point after margaritas and a siesta, my girlfriend and I were discussing our current and past relationship experiences (cuz that’s what we came for, might as well get it out of the way and head to Yelapa!) and we decided that not being totally 100% over the moon for a man is probably quite healthy. And attractive.
Does tequila really make your clothes fall off?
Seriously, think about the last time you were 100% over the moon for a man…that’s enough time. How did you behave? Did you howl when he didn’t call for 3 hours? Did you bark at him when he finally, after all those hours of making you wait, did call? Did your fangs show every time he looked at another woman or mentioned another woman’s name? Did your hind legs kick back and forth every time he showed you a little attention? Did you immediately roll over so he could rub your tummy? Did you slobber every time he showed up and opened a door for you? Did you lick him constantly just because he was there? Did you growl during sex? Did you attack him when he said you were too needy?
If you answered “no” to any of these questions then you’re a liar and you are not ready for a healthy relationship. Put down the paper and step away from the denial. When you are ready, come back to us and we can help you.
Anyhoo, Dr. Foster and I were discussing the past and present and decided we are much more attractive in our current state of “If he stays he stays. If he goes he goes”. Not that we wouldn’t be sad if he left, not that we don’t love them to pieces, not that we don’t really, really want to be with them; it’s just that we wouldn’t fall off the moon and need to be gorilla glued back together if they left.
And THAT ladies is how our men need us to be. They may not know or admit it, but that’s the way they want us as well. Because as soon as we jump over the said moon emotionally, we are no longer attractive; we are needy. And, most importantly, the challenge is gone. Yes, I said challenge. Men can tell you they are simple little creatures till the wolves quit howling at the moon, but they want a challenge. Never, ever forget it. It not their fault. It’s the testosterone. Build it up. Tear it down. They will build up a relationship up until the moment they know, beyond a moon’s shadow of a doubt they have you 100% and then they will set about tearing it down. It’s all a challenge.
Now, what they don’t need you challenging is their manhood, or their paychecks or their authority as man of the house but, they DO need a sparring life-partner. If you don’t have an edge, get one and don’t fall off of it. Be a self-assured woman not a howling bit#h.
Research can be a daunting task, just ask any researcher. And, let’s be clear; taking one person’s ideas and claiming them as your very own is plagiarism. Period. Taking many people’s ideas, rearranging them, THEN claiming them as your very own is called research! OK. Anyway, while researching one of my favorite topics, relationships, I came across a book titled, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man”. I grabbed up said book at Barnes & Noble and stowed it in my carry-on savoring it for my girl’s only trip to México.
My girlfriend, Dr. Deanna Foster has a house in Puerto Vallarta (you can stay there too: www.suenotropical.com). If you are a frequent visitor and you also happen to be very cool, like my friend Peggy Peterson, you know and refer to it simply as PV. Sometimes, I am fortunate enough to get to travel to PV and hang out there for small sums of money. And, since I only have small sums…
This time we (meaning SHE) decided no men, just us. A great week of journaling (which I bet the men are pissed they missed out on), reflection, sun-bathing au natural, self-discovery (which has nothing to do with sun-bathing au natural…it’s not like that, its INNER self-discovery), exercise and shopping which is of course is a form of exercise!
The great thing about Casa Sueno Tropical #194, is Christina and Ana! When you arrive the doors are always open so the first thing you see upon your arrival is the spectacular view of the Pacific Ocean. Drop your bags at the door and head on out to the south veranda b/c they will have fresh guacamole, pico and homemade tostada chips waiting for you. And, when you are ready, (and you do need to “ready” yourself) Christina makes your fresh, homemade margarita! One, toooo, phree, I’m a goner!
Today I arrived early so I grabbed the research goods and headed off to the south veranda to do some “research”. I don’t think tequila and thinking/good motor skills go so well together…I hadn’t even opened the darn book …when I was spilling the phird margarita everywhere, even on the book itself. Ahh maaannn, now the pages are swelled up and smell like a tequila factory.
I should take a nap. Ahhh, I see a hammock. Big yawn.
And just to be clear, my other favorite subject is politics which is why my last several articles have been on that very topic. But alas, I was tiring of the subject and ready to get back to the sex talk. The reason I love the topic of relationships so much is b/c they are so hard to understand. We have a man and we have a woman and the two are supposed to but, never really do, unite in total freaking total bliss till the end of flipping time. Gimme a break! God must be a comedian. It’s got to be the original occupation. And He apparently became so enamored with His very own wit; He thought He should spread the good cheer. Oh joy! Some jokes you should just keep to yourself. Couldn’t He have come up with something less sadistic than trying to make a man and a woman live “happily” ever after? He IS God for Peter’s sake!
I’m a little drunken. And sleepy. I should pick this up again tomorri-oh. Nighty, night.
Day two of research project in México not going much better than day one. However, I did not; I repeat I did NOT have tequila for breakfast. Snicker. I had coffee. With tequila. Not really. Snicker.
At some point after margaritas and a siesta, my girlfriend and I were discussing our current and past relationship experiences (cuz that’s what we came for, might as well get it out of the way and head to Yelapa!) and we decided that not being totally 100% over the moon for a man is probably quite healthy. And attractive.
Does tequila really make your clothes fall off?
Seriously, think about the last time you were 100% over the moon for a man…that’s enough time. How did you behave? Did you howl when he didn’t call for 3 hours? Did you bark at him when he finally, after all those hours of making you wait, did call? Did your fangs show every time he looked at another woman or mentioned another woman’s name? Did your hind legs kick back and forth every time he showed you a little attention? Did you immediately roll over so he could rub your tummy? Did you slobber every time he showed up and opened a door for you? Did you lick him constantly just because he was there? Did you growl during sex? Did you attack him when he said you were too needy?
If you answered “no” to any of these questions then you’re a liar and you are not ready for a healthy relationship. Put down the paper and step away from the denial. When you are ready, come back to us and we can help you.
Anyhoo, Dr. Foster and I were discussing the past and present and decided we are much more attractive in our current state of “If he stays he stays. If he goes he goes”. Not that we wouldn’t be sad if he left, not that we don’t love them to pieces, not that we don’t really, really want to be with them; it’s just that we wouldn’t fall off the moon and need to be gorilla glued back together if they left.
And THAT ladies is how our men need us to be. They may not know or admit it, but that’s the way they want us as well. Because as soon as we jump over the said moon emotionally, we are no longer attractive; we are needy. And, most importantly, the challenge is gone. Yes, I said challenge. Men can tell you they are simple little creatures till the wolves quit howling at the moon, but they want a challenge. Never, ever forget it. It not their fault. It’s the testosterone. Build it up. Tear it down. They will build up a relationship up until the moment they know, beyond a moon’s shadow of a doubt they have you 100% and then they will set about tearing it down. It’s all a challenge.
Now, what they don’t need you challenging is their manhood, or their paychecks or their authority as man of the house but, they DO need a sparring life-partner. If you don’t have an edge, get one and don’t fall off of it. Be a self-assured woman not a howling bit#h.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Dear Whoever’s Still Listening…Need Big Ass Shiraz…Stat…
Monday, 17 November 2008
Sex in the Woods
by Crystal Laramore
Dear Whoever’s Still Listening…Need Big Ass Shiraz…Stat…
“We’re not over. I love you with all my heart”. I keep hearing the words. The words keep me up at night. But the action (or lack there of), doesn’t back up the words. And that wakes me in the middle of the night. It’s been over a week since he’s called. Three weeks between that phone call and the last. Here’s your sign. The whispered words are fainter with each passing day. Silly girl, tricks are for rabbits.
Anyhoo, my mojo is coming back! Well, my coffee mojo anyway. There for a few weeks I just couldn’t get it right. Every morning I make myself (cuz I can’t afford staff on days the restaurant is closed) a café latte and froth the milk and lately the frothing part of my daily ritual has been off a bit. Well, it’s been flat, actually. No froth. Do you know how devastating no froth in a café latte is? Especially to an already unbalanced individual.
But one day last week I made the perfect cup of coffee, froth and all! The next thought had no real place in my pattern of thoughts…wait, have I had a pattern lately? Yes. Scattered. So, actually the next thought fit right in. It was about a cat my sister hijacked. She didn’t really kidnap it as she does let it go outside but she has definitely hijacked it.
My little sister was going through a divorce and doing the whole “why doesn’t he love me” drama dance, like we doooooo, and she was praying to God to get her mojo back. About that time a black, male cat showed up on her front porch, walked right in her cluttered “I’m newly divorced” condo and made himself right at home. She was a bit taken aback since she not only didn’t like cats, she didn’t like men. And a black cat? What more bad luck could she possibly withstand? Well, there was a collar and a name tag on the black, male cat. His ass was goin home! Until she read the name tag. His name: Drum roll please: MOJO! Seriously. God really does do things to amuse himself. I can see him now sitting on his throne giggling to himself saying “Ya really gotta learn to be more specific people, otherwise…”
Since God was channeling himself through the black, male cat named Mojo, my sister decided she should probably, at the very least, provide food and shelter. Hopefully she never provides clothing. The hijacking part comes from the fact that she bought cat a diamond studded dual bowl set, is dishing up it’s favorite brand of caviar and serving it Evian water. Would YOU go back home? God keeps looking around Heaven asking Peter “Where IS my son”? Wonder where he got off to this week.
Anyway, back to me: I now know why people get together during a time of pain and suffering. When we are hurting we want someone to console us and when it can’t be the one delivering the P&S (pain & suffering) sometimes we turn to who is available/willing. Ooooooh, I just thought of another song to replace the silly love songs: “So if you can’t beeeeeee with the one you love honey, love the one you’re with”. Oh, I digress. My bad. I have a good friend who I do not want to date for reasons far beyond the fact that he is a great man. And being the great man he is, when I called, when I needed him, he came running; even though I was drunk-texting him; even though he knew who I really wanted. Yes, he came over – Even Though - and just held me. Excuse me, I’m getting teary-eyed and need a break. I just put on make-up and hate to waste good product…
…ok, I’m back. Whew. The sadness comes in waves. So, my friend didn’t even have a clue that Richard had put me on hold. I told ya’ll already that I hadn’t let on to my friends and letting go is such a quiet sound. My friend was totally shocked as he has met Richard and thought it was a match made in heaven. Yeah, me too. That’s the funny (gotta laugh or I’ll cry again and again) thing - it is a match made in Heaven. My friend wondered why I hadn’t called him before now. I told it him it wouldn’t have done any good cuz he wouldn’t have been able to understand me. The ugly cry doesn’t lend itself to comprehensible verbiage. He may have understood sign language; maybe we could have played charades: Woman in midst of ugly cry, making loud duck(like) call sounds with nose, coupons for Kleenex with lotion surrounding her, arm reaching toward bottle of Big Ass Shiraz holding empty wine glass…No last night was the perfect time. I was able to clearly state my case and not cry. Oh, I got teary-eyed, but not one tear rolled down my cheek. Moving right along. Isn’t it sad?
Anyway, my friend held me and we talked about the evening at the restaurant. I told him about my new musician and how he had invited someone here to meet me. The man’s name was Richard. My friend said “Hmm. You certainly don’t want to start dating someone with the same name as the one you’re trying to get over”. Wow! I hadn’t even put two and twelve together! So there I was being introduced to another Richard and never even thought of my Richard! Ha! How do ya like that? It’s about time! (And no, I do not want to date anyone else. What I want however seems not to be the issue. But, what I am doing is waiting and hoping and venting.) My friend and I decided I was on the road to recovery! And then, I made another perfect café latte this morning! Fluffy froth and all!
And, I took a shower. I didn’t cry and I didn’t draw hearts with his name in the center. What I did do was discover that if you are really interested in your hygiene there is a lot to do in there! It just takes focus. No time for crying when you are actually shaving your legs, washing AND conditioning your hair, scrubbing the dead skin (there’s a metaphor if you think for a split-second…) off your feet and just generally cleaning your body. I’m not sure I’ve been remembering all of those steps lately. I’ve had other stuff to do in there. Like draw hearts and write “I love Richard” in the fog and cry and beat the wall and scream at the water; then erase the hearts and love notes and step out of the therapy shower without falling down. I fell down once about eight years ago and the only thing I keep thinking through this heart-wrenching betrayal I’m feeling is that I can’t fall down again. I can get weak, I can cry but, I. Can’t. Fall. Down. Must. Not. Fall. Down.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Dear Richard (the name has been changed to entertain me)
Sex in the Woods
By Crystal Laramore
Edited by Deborah Martin (the “Cliff” chick-as in been there done that)
Dear Richard (the name has been changed to entertain me)
(The views and opinions in this article do not necessarily reflect the true feelings of the woman writing this article when she’s not sad/hormonal/drunk/angry/confused/generally pissed-off/drunk/sad…)
Well, I’m here. Where we all have been and never want to go again. Near death. Or, its close cousin, the death of a relationship. It’s a sad place to be and a funny place all at the same time. It’s that place we all promise ourselves we’ll never visit again. We love, we lose, we move on but we’ll never go there again. It’s a dark place and sometimes all the lights go out at once. And there is no power to bring the lights on again. Not even a generator.
When you know it’s over but you’re still holding on by your chewed up fingernails you find yourself doing really silly things. For instance, I’m reading books like Why Men Love Bitches as if turning into a bitch will make him love me enough to not let go??? Actually…And it’s distant cousin Drunk, Divorced and Covered in Cat Hair. Well, we’re not getting a divorce and I have no cats, but two outta three ain’t bad! Didja get that?
I also call my two best friends (one is my aunt) and my sister ALL the time. Or else I would be calling him and according to the Bitch book…I did have to delete his number to accomplish that feat though. I also deleted his email address but some people don’t know we’re letting go (it’s a very quiet sound) so I keep getting his email address on my computer screen in bright blue letters-it’s like a flashing neon sign saying “Hey, remember me-I’m the guy breaking your heart”. It’s like pay it forward only different. LOL! Plus he sent me a txt msg. 4 my bday. Anyway, my poor friends, at this point, want us to reconcile more than I do I think. For their sanity, ya’ll understand.
They’re dodging what Oprah calls the ugly cry. But just like in dodge ball you just never know which me is going to be on the other end of the phone. I can see them now looking at the caller ID, seeing my name and praying to God that I’m having an “I’m a bitch day” instead of the “but he said ‘blah, blah, blah’” and “but I love him soooooo (this is where I am completely un-comprehensible and my shoulders are heaving up and down) much”. There are other pitiful phrases that I’m sure I use over and over but I’m trying to get my pathetic self off hold so I’m trying the amnesia theory; if I could just quit remembering what I’m trying to forget. That memory is a great enemy sometimes; especially when all you have are good ones-really, really good ones. You get one out of the way and your brain goes “But wait, there’s more”.
That whole remembering thing is dicey. It’s nice to have good memories to share with someone but when you become a solo act instead of a duo…it’s just not as much fun to share the memories with yourself of the first time we walked hand-in-hand, the time he caught more fish than I did but I caught the biggest one. Or to remember what you are going to do in the future. Like walk in the rain together…go on an adventure vacation, blah, blah, blah. No, these memories are not fun to share with the sofa and the box of Kleenex, not even with a whole bottle of Big Ass Shiraz all to yourself!
I’ve also turned from listening to love songs like James Taylor’s “You’ve Got a Friend” (a song he pointed out in the car and wanted me to listen to on a rainy, romantic evening) to songs that drip beautiful sentiments like “I took my key and scratched the side of his pretty little souped up four wheel drive and carved my name into his leather seats…” and I don’t even listen to country music. There are other songs about revenge too like that one about all those chick’s personalities; I think there was an El Camino and a key in that song too. Wonder if he parks in the garage? Wonder if he has security cameras? Just kidding. Snicker, snicker.
There are moments during this twilight zone that I do find entertaining. Like when really young men are flirting with me. Sometimes I need reading glasses but even the 250’s (which I don’t need) couldn’t change that 8 (as in 1982) to a 6 (as in I wish he was born in 1962…). I must have “I’m vulnerable and lonely and I’ve been duped errr (really, I’m not bitter) I mean dumped” on my wise-beyond-my-years forehead? Or is it “I’m much older than you and I have a house and my own business (oh yeah, that has a bar - duh!) and money and I can buy you an X-Box for Christmas”? But the good news is there are other single people out there and some even have teeth.
And then there are moments in this twilight zone I’m so angry I want to shoot out his knee. But I’m not so angry I want to shoot out his good knee. Shooting out an already bad knee just doesn’t seem so self-serving. Actually, I posed this theory to my UB and he never emailed me back. I guess it’s best to not have electronic proof of a conspiracy.
Less aggressively, I’ve deleted his picture from all the computer screens and the bberry screen. I’ve taken his framed love notes off the wall and I’ve started going to bars where people are. That’s a good thing cuz I just cried for the first three weeks and people were annoying cuz I couldn’t cry when the people were around. Even though I own my own business and the people meant money, I just didn’t want to see the people.
I also made note of time - a lot. Oh, it’s been exactly one, two, three weeks since he’s called. The last time was 8:11 on Wednesday. Not as bad as 9/11 but ... There are other things I’ve done that are more therapeutic than crying and noting historical moments in time, like when I packed up all his “stuff” in a box, taping it shut and addressing it. There are other things I haven’t done, like have the guts to actually put some postage on it and send it to his mother. Just kidding. Besides, he bought me these really great biking shorts with a padded butt and if I send the box back…selfish I know. It’s one of the side-affects. Ya’ll understand.
Which brings me to the part where I’m not working out (riding my bike) every day cuz those damn shorts are in that damn box. And the songs on the Ipod I listen to are, you guessed it, freaking love songs. There have to be 827 songs I’ll never be able to listen to again if we actually really break up, all the way, forever and ever, if he actually says the words.
Everything is just on hold. Have you been on hold lately? It’s infuriating. Like, I’ve got better things to do than just sit on hold. YES YOU DO! So why don’t we just hang up? Why do we sit on hold with people who try harder to hold on to bad relationships than they do to hold on to loving, committed (hey, there is a fine line between committed and commitment) ones? Because there is that promise that someone, a live and caring person will eventually answer our call. They even come on the line from time to time and promise someone will be right with you. Kinda like Richard is doing to me.
And people (men and women), when you want to break up with someone let me tell you what NOT to say: I have to give you back your heart. What? How? When? Where? Why? All the unanswered questions keep me up at night. It’s 1:24 a.m. right now and here I am writing to strangers…hmmmm. And if we give our heart to you it’s sorta impossible to give it back. Now, when we’ve had enough of being in the perpetual holding pattern, we may take it back, but you can’t just give someone back their feelings-just like that.
You’d think at our stage in the game we’d make better decisions regarding love, but maybe that’s where the lesson comes in. We can’t make people follow through with their assurances and the pledges of love so we must learn to treasure the moments we have while we have them. It’s that whole living in the moment thing.
Life is short and the older you get the shorter it gets. That’s another thing I’ve been doing, coming up with really profound and utterly stupid statements. I practice saying them to him when he calls but mostly I forget how to speak. I know how to write well and I’ve tried to write him a letter but its soooooooooooooooooooo long that I think he would lose interest around page 96. So, I’ve been keeping a journal. Ha! Take that! And that too! It’s a pretty safe place to vent unless you die and your parents get a hold of it. Then THEY may shoot out both of his knees. This medium is also a safe outlet since I quit sending him my articles. The bitch book says he doesn’t deserve to hear from me. Look people, it’s cheaper and more entertaining than therapy!
Not that he did anything wrong or I did anything wrong. It’s just the timing. He has some personal issues that he didn’t foresee and now that life is too stressful I’m the easiest thing to let go of. I understand. Really I do. I can understand how a woman a thousand miles away is stressful. How someone who doesn’t need a thing, like a boob-job or mortgage payments or every spare second of your time is stressful. And the good news is that I’m taking it all in stride and not becoming bitter.
Seriously folks, there are no answers. There are just questions sometimes. And as my sister says “Sometimes there aren’t enough band-aids”. The hard part for all of us is the part where we miss our best friend. We miss the laughter and the banter and the last call or the last text (and if his DOB has an 8 as the 3rd number, you need to learn how to txt!) of the evening. And when you have such a good thing as we do/did, with never any fights and a lot of love, the pain is deep and the loss is sad. But there is always hope.
Time is a wonderful thing. We’ll either all move on or we’ll re-connect. Life is often defined in stages: Birth, Life, Death; a straight line. But as Will Smith said on Oprah (Are you KIDDING me? You don’t watch Oprah when you are depressed?) if you define life as Birth, Life, Death, Re-birth then, you have a whole new outlook. Just take the ends, bend the line, connect the ends and start all over.
By Crystal Laramore
Edited by Deborah Martin (the “Cliff” chick-as in been there done that)
Dear Richard (the name has been changed to entertain me)
(The views and opinions in this article do not necessarily reflect the true feelings of the woman writing this article when she’s not sad/hormonal/drunk/angry/confused/generally pissed-off/drunk/sad…)
Well, I’m here. Where we all have been and never want to go again. Near death. Or, its close cousin, the death of a relationship. It’s a sad place to be and a funny place all at the same time. It’s that place we all promise ourselves we’ll never visit again. We love, we lose, we move on but we’ll never go there again. It’s a dark place and sometimes all the lights go out at once. And there is no power to bring the lights on again. Not even a generator.
When you know it’s over but you’re still holding on by your chewed up fingernails you find yourself doing really silly things. For instance, I’m reading books like Why Men Love Bitches as if turning into a bitch will make him love me enough to not let go??? Actually…And it’s distant cousin Drunk, Divorced and Covered in Cat Hair. Well, we’re not getting a divorce and I have no cats, but two outta three ain’t bad! Didja get that?
I also call my two best friends (one is my aunt) and my sister ALL the time. Or else I would be calling him and according to the Bitch book…I did have to delete his number to accomplish that feat though. I also deleted his email address but some people don’t know we’re letting go (it’s a very quiet sound) so I keep getting his email address on my computer screen in bright blue letters-it’s like a flashing neon sign saying “Hey, remember me-I’m the guy breaking your heart”. It’s like pay it forward only different. LOL! Plus he sent me a txt msg. 4 my bday. Anyway, my poor friends, at this point, want us to reconcile more than I do I think. For their sanity, ya’ll understand.
They’re dodging what Oprah calls the ugly cry. But just like in dodge ball you just never know which me is going to be on the other end of the phone. I can see them now looking at the caller ID, seeing my name and praying to God that I’m having an “I’m a bitch day” instead of the “but he said ‘blah, blah, blah’” and “but I love him soooooo (this is where I am completely un-comprehensible and my shoulders are heaving up and down) much”. There are other pitiful phrases that I’m sure I use over and over but I’m trying to get my pathetic self off hold so I’m trying the amnesia theory; if I could just quit remembering what I’m trying to forget. That memory is a great enemy sometimes; especially when all you have are good ones-really, really good ones. You get one out of the way and your brain goes “But wait, there’s more”.
That whole remembering thing is dicey. It’s nice to have good memories to share with someone but when you become a solo act instead of a duo…it’s just not as much fun to share the memories with yourself of the first time we walked hand-in-hand, the time he caught more fish than I did but I caught the biggest one. Or to remember what you are going to do in the future. Like walk in the rain together…go on an adventure vacation, blah, blah, blah. No, these memories are not fun to share with the sofa and the box of Kleenex, not even with a whole bottle of Big Ass Shiraz all to yourself!
I’ve also turned from listening to love songs like James Taylor’s “You’ve Got a Friend” (a song he pointed out in the car and wanted me to listen to on a rainy, romantic evening) to songs that drip beautiful sentiments like “I took my key and scratched the side of his pretty little souped up four wheel drive and carved my name into his leather seats…” and I don’t even listen to country music. There are other songs about revenge too like that one about all those chick’s personalities; I think there was an El Camino and a key in that song too. Wonder if he parks in the garage? Wonder if he has security cameras? Just kidding. Snicker, snicker.
There are moments during this twilight zone that I do find entertaining. Like when really young men are flirting with me. Sometimes I need reading glasses but even the 250’s (which I don’t need) couldn’t change that 8 (as in 1982) to a 6 (as in I wish he was born in 1962…). I must have “I’m vulnerable and lonely and I’ve been duped errr (really, I’m not bitter) I mean dumped” on my wise-beyond-my-years forehead? Or is it “I’m much older than you and I have a house and my own business (oh yeah, that has a bar - duh!) and money and I can buy you an X-Box for Christmas”? But the good news is there are other single people out there and some even have teeth.
And then there are moments in this twilight zone I’m so angry I want to shoot out his knee. But I’m not so angry I want to shoot out his good knee. Shooting out an already bad knee just doesn’t seem so self-serving. Actually, I posed this theory to my UB and he never emailed me back. I guess it’s best to not have electronic proof of a conspiracy.
Less aggressively, I’ve deleted his picture from all the computer screens and the bberry screen. I’ve taken his framed love notes off the wall and I’ve started going to bars where people are. That’s a good thing cuz I just cried for the first three weeks and people were annoying cuz I couldn’t cry when the people were around. Even though I own my own business and the people meant money, I just didn’t want to see the people.
I also made note of time - a lot. Oh, it’s been exactly one, two, three weeks since he’s called. The last time was 8:11 on Wednesday. Not as bad as 9/11 but ... There are other things I’ve done that are more therapeutic than crying and noting historical moments in time, like when I packed up all his “stuff” in a box, taping it shut and addressing it. There are other things I haven’t done, like have the guts to actually put some postage on it and send it to his mother. Just kidding. Besides, he bought me these really great biking shorts with a padded butt and if I send the box back…selfish I know. It’s one of the side-affects. Ya’ll understand.
Which brings me to the part where I’m not working out (riding my bike) every day cuz those damn shorts are in that damn box. And the songs on the Ipod I listen to are, you guessed it, freaking love songs. There have to be 827 songs I’ll never be able to listen to again if we actually really break up, all the way, forever and ever, if he actually says the words.
Everything is just on hold. Have you been on hold lately? It’s infuriating. Like, I’ve got better things to do than just sit on hold. YES YOU DO! So why don’t we just hang up? Why do we sit on hold with people who try harder to hold on to bad relationships than they do to hold on to loving, committed (hey, there is a fine line between committed and commitment) ones? Because there is that promise that someone, a live and caring person will eventually answer our call. They even come on the line from time to time and promise someone will be right with you. Kinda like Richard is doing to me.
And people (men and women), when you want to break up with someone let me tell you what NOT to say: I have to give you back your heart. What? How? When? Where? Why? All the unanswered questions keep me up at night. It’s 1:24 a.m. right now and here I am writing to strangers…hmmmm. And if we give our heart to you it’s sorta impossible to give it back. Now, when we’ve had enough of being in the perpetual holding pattern, we may take it back, but you can’t just give someone back their feelings-just like that.
You’d think at our stage in the game we’d make better decisions regarding love, but maybe that’s where the lesson comes in. We can’t make people follow through with their assurances and the pledges of love so we must learn to treasure the moments we have while we have them. It’s that whole living in the moment thing.
Life is short and the older you get the shorter it gets. That’s another thing I’ve been doing, coming up with really profound and utterly stupid statements. I practice saying them to him when he calls but mostly I forget how to speak. I know how to write well and I’ve tried to write him a letter but its soooooooooooooooooooo long that I think he would lose interest around page 96. So, I’ve been keeping a journal. Ha! Take that! And that too! It’s a pretty safe place to vent unless you die and your parents get a hold of it. Then THEY may shoot out both of his knees. This medium is also a safe outlet since I quit sending him my articles. The bitch book says he doesn’t deserve to hear from me. Look people, it’s cheaper and more entertaining than therapy!
Not that he did anything wrong or I did anything wrong. It’s just the timing. He has some personal issues that he didn’t foresee and now that life is too stressful I’m the easiest thing to let go of. I understand. Really I do. I can understand how a woman a thousand miles away is stressful. How someone who doesn’t need a thing, like a boob-job or mortgage payments or every spare second of your time is stressful. And the good news is that I’m taking it all in stride and not becoming bitter.
Seriously folks, there are no answers. There are just questions sometimes. And as my sister says “Sometimes there aren’t enough band-aids”. The hard part for all of us is the part where we miss our best friend. We miss the laughter and the banter and the last call or the last text (and if his DOB has an 8 as the 3rd number, you need to learn how to txt!) of the evening. And when you have such a good thing as we do/did, with never any fights and a lot of love, the pain is deep and the loss is sad. But there is always hope.
Time is a wonderful thing. We’ll either all move on or we’ll re-connect. Life is often defined in stages: Birth, Life, Death; a straight line. But as Will Smith said on Oprah (Are you KIDDING me? You don’t watch Oprah when you are depressed?) if you define life as Birth, Life, Death, Re-birth then, you have a whole new outlook. Just take the ends, bend the line, connect the ends and start all over.
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