Howlin’ @ the Moon!

By Crystal Laramore

Research can be a daunting task, just ask any researcher. And, let’s be clear; taking one person’s ideas and claiming them as your very own is plagiarism. Period. Taking many people’s ideas, rearranging them, THEN claiming them as your very own is called research! OK. Anyway, while researching one of my favorite topics, relationships, I came across a book titled, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man”. I grabbed up said book at Barnes & Noble and stowed it in my carry-on savoring it for my girl’s only trip to México.

My girlfriend, Dr. Deanna Foster has a house in Puerto Vallarta (you can stay there too: www.suenotropical.com). If you are a frequent visitor and you also happen to be very cool, like my friend Peggy Peterson, you know and refer to it simply as PV. Sometimes, I am fortunate enough to get to travel to PV and hang out there for small sums of money. And, since I only have small sums…

This time we (meaning SHE) decided no men, just us. A great week of journaling (which I bet the men are pissed they missed out on), reflection, sun-bathing au natural, self-discovery (which has nothing to do with sun-bathing au natural…it’s not like that, its INNER self-discovery), exercise and shopping which is of course is a form of exercise!

The great thing about Casa Sueno Tropical #194, is Christina and Ana! When you arrive the doors are always open so the first thing you see upon your arrival is the spectacular view of the Pacific Ocean. Drop your bags at the door and head on out to the south veranda b/c they will have fresh guacamole, pico and homemade tostada chips waiting for you. And, when you are ready, (and you do need to “ready” yourself) Christina makes your fresh, homemade margarita! One, toooo, phree, I’m a goner!

Today I arrived early so I grabbed the research goods and headed off to the south veranda to do some “research”. I don’t think tequila and thinking/good motor skills go so well together…I hadn’t even opened the darn book …when I was spilling the phird margarita everywhere, even on the book itself. Ahh maaannn, now the pages are swelled up and smell like a tequila factory.

I should take a nap. Ahhh, I see a hammock. Big yawn.

And just to be clear, my other favorite subject is politics which is why my last several articles have been on that very topic. But alas, I was tiring of the subject and ready to get back to the sex talk. The reason I love the topic of relationships so much is b/c they are so hard to understand. We have a man and we have a woman and the two are supposed to but, never really do, unite in total freaking total bliss till the end of flipping time. Gimme a break! God must be a comedian. It’s got to be the original occupation. And He apparently became so enamored with His very own wit; He thought He should spread the good cheer. Oh joy! Some jokes you should just keep to yourself. Couldn’t He have come up with something less sadistic than trying to make a man and a woman live “happily” ever after? He IS God for Peter’s sake!

I’m a little drunken. And sleepy. I should pick this up again tomorri-oh. Nighty, night.

Day two of research project in México not going much better than day one. However, I did not; I repeat I did NOT have tequila for breakfast. Snicker. I had coffee. With tequila. Not really. Snicker.

At some point after margaritas and a siesta, my girlfriend and I were discussing our current and past relationship experiences (cuz that’s what we came for, might as well get it out of the way and head to Yelapa!) and we decided that not being totally 100% over the moon for a man is probably quite healthy. And attractive.

Does tequila really make your clothes fall off?

Seriously, think about the last time you were 100% over the moon for a man…that’s enough time. How did you behave? Did you howl when he didn’t call for 3 hours? Did you bark at him when he finally, after all those hours of making you wait, did call? Did your fangs show every time he looked at another woman or mentioned another woman’s name? Did your hind legs kick back and forth every time he showed you a little attention? Did you immediately roll over so he could rub your tummy? Did you slobber every time he showed up and opened a door for you? Did you lick him constantly just because he was there? Did you growl during sex? Did you attack him when he said you were too needy?

If you answered “no” to any of these questions then you’re a liar and you are not ready for a healthy relationship. Put down the paper and step away from the denial. When you are ready, come back to us and we can help you.

Anyhoo, Dr. Foster and I were discussing the past and present and decided we are much more attractive in our current state of “If he stays he stays. If he goes he goes”. Not that we wouldn’t be sad if he left, not that we don’t love them to pieces, not that we don’t really, really want to be with them; it’s just that we wouldn’t fall off the moon and need to be gorilla glued back together if they left.

And THAT ladies is how our men need us to be. They may not know or admit it, but that’s the way they want us as well. Because as soon as we jump over the said moon emotionally, we are no longer attractive; we are needy. And, most importantly, the challenge is gone. Yes, I said challenge. Men can tell you they are simple little creatures till the wolves quit howling at the moon, but they want a challenge. Never, ever forget it. It not their fault. It’s the testosterone. Build it up. Tear it down. They will build up a relationship up until the moment they know, beyond a moon’s shadow of a doubt they have you 100% and then they will set about tearing it down. It’s all a challenge.

Now, what they don’t need you challenging is their manhood, or their paychecks or their authority as man of the house but, they DO need a sparring life-partner. If you don’t have an edge, get one and don’t fall off of it. Be a self-assured woman not a howling bit#h.