Written 14 July 2010
Ahh Ali, still has Roberto in her sights...
Thank goodness I'm almost over my bachelorette, reality TV, crack-like addiction! Just two more weeks to go. It really should be over next week but they have to do a "Men Tell All" special, blah, blah, blah. I want to know who she picked...if anyone.
From the beginning I've said Roberto. My bff, Deb, concurs. She’s addicted to those Latinos! Just the way the rrrr rolls off your tongue...plus he's muy caliente and muy guapo! That's almost enough to get you through 80 years of marriage but he's also very sweet and charming and tender and loving and hot and sexy and ...oh wait, I think I already covered that.
So the three dudes left at the beginning of Monday night's telenovella were: 1.) Roberto 2.) Frank 3.) Chris; listed in the order, I believe, matches Ali's personal order. There they are in Tahiti, romance in the water, and no sharks, save one...dunt, dunt, dunt...FRANK! NO! YES! Turns out the whiney, wimpy, self-deprecating, Frankie is in love with Nicole. Who's NICOLE? His ex. Right, me too...Only after leaving Nicole to pursue Ali did he realize that Nicole is, after all the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Poor Frank has been in such turmoil over all the feelings he has for Nicole and also Ali. But in the end he thinks it is Nicole he really, for real this time, no kidding, wants to marry. Nicole is good with that. RUN NICOLE RUN. Frank is a tortured soul, a creative genius who still lives at home and is reaching for something/one, anything/one to make him feel like a man. He needs to look within instead of impulse purchasing. But that is an Oprah show.
As the Bachelor and Bachelorette go, all crises must be filtered through Chris Harrison, the host. First Frank does go ahead and fly to Tahiti instead of ending it all in Chicago. Silly Nicole is too young to know that letting a man go who can't seem to know when to stay is a recipe for disaster. Anyway Chris was "blown away" as he often is. Poor Chris. He's gotta watch this sniveling, wimpy man and the whole time I bet he's thinking "If you were doing this to MY daughter I'd bust your lip right about NOW!" So, Frank makes the manly decision to tell Ali himself. Bravo. Fast forward to Ali arriving. They embrace and she's all chipper and Ali-like and the Frank says "Ali, we need to talk". They walk outside and sit and she stares at him a long time and he doesn't speak. Then he says he's nervous. Then finally he tells her about Nicole. She starts crying and wiping her tears away and all I can't think is "Honey! Don't pull on your eyes like that! You have no idea the long term damage you are doing that tender skin. Besides girl, you've still got two GOOD, ahem real, men here who need to see you at your best...and Frankly speaking (totally HAD to get that in, sorry, I amuse myself)...not puffy eyed over another man.
Best line of the night? Ali said "I've given up everything to be here." To which sniveling dumba$% said "I've given up everything to be here too." To which Ali, my new hero (with a little training) said "Apparently not everything." Cha-ching! Slam! *&^%#@! And then, when the wimpy, selfish, Frankie saga was almost over she failed me as a sister, she went down the rabbit hole of self-pity and pathetic behavior. She said, through tears, as many other noble women throughout history have, "I don't want to leave because I know I'm never gonna see you again." I was so hurt by this statement I didn't really hear what Frankie said but he was asking for forgiveness as all cheaters and beaters do and then, then she got up, walked around the ottoman (waaay tooooo much effort wasted on him! Here's where I scream "Get the Bit$h Books Ali! GET THE BIT$H BOOKS!) to get to him and long-embraced him bye. My life flashed before my eyes. She should have just flung herself on top of the sword for Pete's sake. Hell, at least Frank was crying.
Poor, poor Chris Harrison. He's already listened to Frank snivel and now he has to listen to Ali; talkative, chatty, crying, heart-broken, pis&ed-off Ali. At some point she tries to get him to psychoanalyze her by getting him to tell her what is wrong with her. I bet he's thinking "I don't get paid enough for this Shi!." She said "What's wrong with me? Maybe I'm too....or maybe it's....I just don't know why (which is my all time favorite whine)...and now I'm wondering if I can trust my own judgment...and...
Chris just sat there at a decent distance away and carefully rubbed her back and said NOTHING. He needs a raise.
Since this is Hollywood and they always have alternative endings I have a few in mind. Bear with me as I may actually be releasing some of my very own, carefully thought out with vengeance-and-malice-in-my-heart alternative endings...
1. When Ali meets Frank at the hut on the water in Tahiti and after a few seconds embrace says "Ali, we need to talk." She should have straightened her back bone, took a few steps back, squared her shoulders, looked him in the eye (the left one for gravity) and said "Talk." Not moved one freaking inch. Then, when he was finished slobbering all over himself said "OK." and walked away. THEN fell apart. ALONE. She gave him too much of herself. A part he did NOT deserve. He would be having nightmares right now wondering where HE went wrong and why she wasn't more devastated...blah, blah, blah. Again, my life flashing and all...
2. When Ali meets Frank at the hut on the water in Tahiti and after a few seconds embrace says "Ali, we need to talk." She should have straightened her back bone, took a few steps back, squared her shoulders, looked him in the eye (the left one for gravity) and said "Talk." When he was finished slobbering all over himself she should have said "Boys! (there's always a camera crew around and those guys are probably in love with Ali too. They would've done her bidding.) Throw his sorry a$$ in the ocean and do not fetch him out until I get back with Chris and his plane ticket home. Oh look! Shark!"
Alas, neither of these things happened but a lesson was learned nonetheless, by the audience if not by Ali. Frank was a sniveling weasel and I’m certain we’ll read about him in a few months when Nicole dumps him for still being weepy over his decision to leave Ali. What did we learn? Don’t take it personally when you run across sniveling weasels who can’t make up their minds if they love you or they don’t. If they love you they KNOW it and SHOW it! End of story.
The issue was not Ali even though she took it personally, as a blow to her ego and to her powers of judgment. No, the issue was entirely Frank’s. I gotta tell ya. I don’t know a single woman who REALLY, in her heart wants a snively man. Most of us don’t even want a sensitive man. It kind of freaks me out when I see men get too emotional. We want our men to be in charge and decisive. Deb just called and said she wants him to be Roberto! He’s a real guy who really cares. And the bonus is that he’s way easy on the eyes!!
Ladies, be confident. Buy the books, for Pete’s sake! Read and learn. Then practice on the next available man. You’ll be amazed at the difference in your relationship! He WILL be attentive and loving. If he’s not, then drop him in with Frank and the sharks!!
Showing posts with label David E. Kelly w/Boston Legal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label David E. Kelly w/Boston Legal. Show all posts
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
To Tame a Tiger...or NOT!
Written 24 February 2010
Oh my! Did YOUR world stop b/c Tiger Woods gave a press conference? I sure hope not. It was a great disappointment. Especially if you're the kind of person who WOULD drop everything and listen in. You know, listen in on what he was really doing the past few years, who he was really doing it with and how many times he did it and so on.
No, he didn't give us any of that. He just stood there in a robotic state and took full responsibility for his actions. Dah! What does that mean anyway? Of course he takes full responsibility. I don't recall anyone coming forth admitting that they forced him...Andrew is busy.
Oh, and the best part was when he scolded us, the media, for hounding Elin. News flash son, no one would be hounding Elin if you hadn't been hounding a dozen other women around the globe. It's all very chivalrous, Tiger, to bring your wife unbearable grief and then protect her from the bad guys. And yes, we want the details. This is America. We invented titillating, scandalous tabloids and we invented you too. Play by the rules or get burned. You gotta take the good w/the bad there buddy ole pal.
The other notable thing Tiger said was "There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage. Ever." Well I guess that depends on what your definition of "is" is.
Tiger's harem of girlfriends feel betrayed and deceived b/c he didn't mention them or apologize to them for what "he put them through". Ok. I could barely write that I was laughing so hard. The sheer thought of THEM feeling betrayed is mind bending. I'm pretty sure Elin is the one and only claimant of the holy grail of betrayal here.
The Mistresses: Two of them were actually interviewed on some titillating, scandalous tabloid show; there's clearly enough money and self-importance to go around.
Jamie Grubbs said "If I was Elin I would have just rolled my eyes and walked away". Of course you would have. You're a twit. "If I were Elin I would have wanted a public I love you and I'm willing to sacrifice everything to have what I have with her because I love her". Of course you would b/c you're a twit who clearly reads romance novels.
Jamie also went on to say "He spent three years of his life lying and deceiving to these women, to me, to these women he supposedly cared about. To me." I told my readers when this story first broke that there was more to this story than met the eye.
Donald Trump had great advice for Tiger. He said Tiger should just let Elin go b/c there's too much pain to get over (I concur). Donald said that every time he's not accounted for she will go into a frenzy (I concur). Donald said Tiger should just get a divorce, be a great golfer and be the playboy he wants to be (I concur).
It's rare that a Tiger changes his stripes.
Oh my! Did YOUR world stop b/c Tiger Woods gave a press conference? I sure hope not. It was a great disappointment. Especially if you're the kind of person who WOULD drop everything and listen in. You know, listen in on what he was really doing the past few years, who he was really doing it with and how many times he did it and so on.
No, he didn't give us any of that. He just stood there in a robotic state and took full responsibility for his actions. Dah! What does that mean anyway? Of course he takes full responsibility. I don't recall anyone coming forth admitting that they forced him...Andrew is busy.
Oh, and the best part was when he scolded us, the media, for hounding Elin. News flash son, no one would be hounding Elin if you hadn't been hounding a dozen other women around the globe. It's all very chivalrous, Tiger, to bring your wife unbearable grief and then protect her from the bad guys. And yes, we want the details. This is America. We invented titillating, scandalous tabloids and we invented you too. Play by the rules or get burned. You gotta take the good w/the bad there buddy ole pal.
The other notable thing Tiger said was "There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage. Ever." Well I guess that depends on what your definition of "is" is.
Tiger's harem of girlfriends feel betrayed and deceived b/c he didn't mention them or apologize to them for what "he put them through". Ok. I could barely write that I was laughing so hard. The sheer thought of THEM feeling betrayed is mind bending. I'm pretty sure Elin is the one and only claimant of the holy grail of betrayal here.
The Mistresses: Two of them were actually interviewed on some titillating, scandalous tabloid show; there's clearly enough money and self-importance to go around.
Jamie Grubbs said "If I was Elin I would have just rolled my eyes and walked away". Of course you would have. You're a twit. "If I were Elin I would have wanted a public I love you and I'm willing to sacrifice everything to have what I have with her because I love her". Of course you would b/c you're a twit who clearly reads romance novels.
Jamie also went on to say "He spent three years of his life lying and deceiving to these women, to me, to these women he supposedly cared about. To me." I told my readers when this story first broke that there was more to this story than met the eye.
Donald Trump had great advice for Tiger. He said Tiger should just let Elin go b/c there's too much pain to get over (I concur). Donald said that every time he's not accounted for she will go into a frenzy (I concur). Donald said Tiger should just get a divorce, be a great golfer and be the playboy he wants to be (I concur).
It's rare that a Tiger changes his stripes.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Menopause; It Could Happen to You...
by Crystal Laramore
...EVEN IF you are a man! Just go back to Junior High English. Ever heard of the INDIRECT object? Yes, menopause could happen to you directly or INDIRECTLY! When you see it happening and you are not the one it's happening to, keep your mouth shut and step away from the direct object. Put all sharp and blunt, heavy objects away.
SO, there I was in my 20's minding my own business and others' too, when my thirties jumped out at me. Happy to have made it through the acid-trip-like adventure of my 20's I embraced my 30's with a vengeance. So, there I was learning to mind my own business in a land far, far away when my 40's showed up in an explosion of shrapnel and ear-piercing noises. Wait. Those were RPG’s! Anyhooo, life was so full of explosions and heat and young men that I barely noticed the earth shift; just a little shift, but a shift none-the-less.
Currently, I am sneaking up on 45. I don't how to define "I" anymore. The person typing this certainly isn't sneaking up on 45 but somewhere in my knees something is definitely sneaking up on something painful. Maybe that's 45?
When the first tremor hit...I was watching some mind altering television show like Grey's Anatomy or something when I needed to channel surf over to Desperate Housewives (I have goals). As usual I picked up the remote but for some reason known only to the mean gods of hahahahahaha you're getting old; the numbers/letters were blurry.
Inconceivably, I held out the remote and was able to see clearly. Only a couple of nights later I was spending the night with a girlfriend. She was cleaning her face and I was getting ready to watch the news or something when I had an out-of-body-experience. It was like dejavue. It was the whole "why are the letters/numbers so blurry” experience all over again. True to a tragic event I screamed like the girl in the B movies being chased by the blob! Deborah ran out of the bathroom with night cream dripping from her chin to save me with her cotton swab and all she saw was a helpless, frantic woman holding a remote control - close, far, close, far screaming every time it got "far" (b/c it was so much CLEARER!
One day I was again, minding my own business, driving along with the top down singing really loud to Rheana, when I was instantly struck with that hot, flush feeling I got in my 30's when a cute guy walked by or when I put that burn your buns dark tanning lotion on right before I went into the tanning bed for half an hour.
Whew, where did that come from?! I looked in my rear view mirror for the devil cuz I was sure he had finally caught up with me for my bad ways in my 20's. I turned side to side looking for him to be in a motorcycle with a helper in the side car and in a "flash" the heat and my overwhelming I-need-Prozac-paranoia, was gone.
And just two months ago my Aunt Flo forgot to visit. Look, when you've waited on your aunt your whole life and she always shows up then one day she doesn't show up what would YOU do? Me? Well, I bought 8 pregnancy tests and waited till I was about to puke from nerves and my whole staff was going to quit to take them.
Negative? WHAT? Look, my aunt is over two weeks late. Hmm. Well, finally she showed up but is now officially three weeks late AGAIN. Lucky for me I still have 5 pregnancy tests left. Yes, that means I took THREE last time. You can never be tooooo careful about these things.
Additionally over the last several months I’ve noticed black hairs in places no one ever told black hairs were supposed to be. Why are all the women in my family who are older than me such bitche$? Shouldn’t you pass along pertinent information regarding getting older to your young? Your friends? Your siblings? What the hell? It’s so NOT romantic for a man whom you are trying to be romantic with to say, with a contorted facial expression, “OMG! Is that a black hair”? Talk about kill joy!
As a preemptive strike to real therapy, I scheduled an urgent conference call with my best friend Jasmine (while having a hot flash in front of the paint man at Home Depot) who is older and oh so much wiser about such things. Getting older apparently does lots of weird things to your body. Without your permission. Anyway, after laughing hysterically and saying, "Welcome to the club, honey!" she shared her own experiences with little memory lapses, soaked-with-sweat bed sheets and outbursts of temper which were totally foreign to her. One of her relatives, Alexa, is currently going through some of the same things and as a matter of fact is about the same age as I am. Whoever “I” is these days…
We all understand that these things are part of the life process, but Geez Louise, we wish we'd had more warning. I guess it's one of those things that - until you go through it yourself - you just can't quite describe it to others but you sure as heck should try. I now have a whole new understanding of the word “sisterhood”.
...EVEN IF you are a man! Just go back to Junior High English. Ever heard of the INDIRECT object? Yes, menopause could happen to you directly or INDIRECTLY! When you see it happening and you are not the one it's happening to, keep your mouth shut and step away from the direct object. Put all sharp and blunt, heavy objects away.
SO, there I was in my 20's minding my own business and others' too, when my thirties jumped out at me. Happy to have made it through the acid-trip-like adventure of my 20's I embraced my 30's with a vengeance. So, there I was learning to mind my own business in a land far, far away when my 40's showed up in an explosion of shrapnel and ear-piercing noises. Wait. Those were RPG’s! Anyhooo, life was so full of explosions and heat and young men that I barely noticed the earth shift; just a little shift, but a shift none-the-less.
Currently, I am sneaking up on 45. I don't how to define "I" anymore. The person typing this certainly isn't sneaking up on 45 but somewhere in my knees something is definitely sneaking up on something painful. Maybe that's 45?
When the first tremor hit...I was watching some mind altering television show like Grey's Anatomy or something when I needed to channel surf over to Desperate Housewives (I have goals). As usual I picked up the remote but for some reason known only to the mean gods of hahahahahaha you're getting old; the numbers/letters were blurry.
Inconceivably, I held out the remote and was able to see clearly. Only a couple of nights later I was spending the night with a girlfriend. She was cleaning her face and I was getting ready to watch the news or something when I had an out-of-body-experience. It was like dejavue. It was the whole "why are the letters/numbers so blurry” experience all over again. True to a tragic event I screamed like the girl in the B movies being chased by the blob! Deborah ran out of the bathroom with night cream dripping from her chin to save me with her cotton swab and all she saw was a helpless, frantic woman holding a remote control - close, far, close, far screaming every time it got "far" (b/c it was so much CLEARER!
One day I was again, minding my own business, driving along with the top down singing really loud to Rheana, when I was instantly struck with that hot, flush feeling I got in my 30's when a cute guy walked by or when I put that burn your buns dark tanning lotion on right before I went into the tanning bed for half an hour.
Whew, where did that come from?! I looked in my rear view mirror for the devil cuz I was sure he had finally caught up with me for my bad ways in my 20's. I turned side to side looking for him to be in a motorcycle with a helper in the side car and in a "flash" the heat and my overwhelming I-need-Prozac-paranoia, was gone.
And just two months ago my Aunt Flo forgot to visit. Look, when you've waited on your aunt your whole life and she always shows up then one day she doesn't show up what would YOU do? Me? Well, I bought 8 pregnancy tests and waited till I was about to puke from nerves and my whole staff was going to quit to take them.
Negative? WHAT? Look, my aunt is over two weeks late. Hmm. Well, finally she showed up but is now officially three weeks late AGAIN. Lucky for me I still have 5 pregnancy tests left. Yes, that means I took THREE last time. You can never be tooooo careful about these things.
Additionally over the last several months I’ve noticed black hairs in places no one ever told black hairs were supposed to be. Why are all the women in my family who are older than me such bitche$? Shouldn’t you pass along pertinent information regarding getting older to your young? Your friends? Your siblings? What the hell? It’s so NOT romantic for a man whom you are trying to be romantic with to say, with a contorted facial expression, “OMG! Is that a black hair”? Talk about kill joy!
As a preemptive strike to real therapy, I scheduled an urgent conference call with my best friend Jasmine (while having a hot flash in front of the paint man at Home Depot) who is older and oh so much wiser about such things. Getting older apparently does lots of weird things to your body. Without your permission. Anyway, after laughing hysterically and saying, "Welcome to the club, honey!" she shared her own experiences with little memory lapses, soaked-with-sweat bed sheets and outbursts of temper which were totally foreign to her. One of her relatives, Alexa, is currently going through some of the same things and as a matter of fact is about the same age as I am. Whoever “I” is these days…
We all understand that these things are part of the life process, but Geez Louise, we wish we'd had more warning. I guess it's one of those things that - until you go through it yourself - you just can't quite describe it to others but you sure as heck should try. I now have a whole new understanding of the word “sisterhood”.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Breakin' Up is Hard To Do
By Deborah K. Martin
Sad to say, but these days MOST relationships break up. I hardly know anyone who hasn’t had a breakup of a serious relationship or marriage to include me, my parents, grandparents and one of my sons. I guess you could say I’ve got some bad karma to overcome. Or something like that.
So my question is this: Why is it so hard to do? Break up, that is. Why is it so hard to get a grip and move on? I ask because my two good friends, Sophia and Jasmine, came to me recently with similar dilemmas. They both had bad breakups but are finding it very difficult to get the sorry guy out of their minds and hearts so they can really, truly move on. I can’t tell it as well as they can so I’ll transcribe their stories as told to me.
Sophia came to me recently, in a happy relationship. Yeah, I know, so what’s the problem? Well, her prince charming (note – no capitals) is very charming indeed. He’s one of those guys who seem to LIVE to fulfill your every wish. (Where is good cloning technology when you need it?!) You name it – poof it appears, kind of like a genie in a bottle but the male kind. He adores every little quirky part of Sophia and let me tell you, she’s no shy flower. She says what she means and means what she says. She knows what she wants and she’s not shy about asking for it. I love that about her!
And you know what? HE loves her for it. And she loves him, but she tells me she may not be IN love with him. Why? Because there’s a ghost hanging around who just won’t go away. It’s the ghost of Prince Charming, the one who won her heart even though he turned out to be not so charming after all. Couldn’t hang when the going got a smidge challenging. But he had her heart and he still haunts her. Sophia says sometimes she feels like she’s in the wrong fairy tale.
It’s not that she’s unhappy exactly. She does love the little prince in many ways and they’re even planning a future together. Is she settling? You’d have to ask her. She doesn’t think so and she thinks she may “fall” for the other guy in time, especially considering how much REAL love he’s showering on her these days. Love IS a verb, after all. She just wishes the ghost would go haunt someone else and give her peace.
Then there’s Jasmine. She fell equally hard for her Prince but his flaws turned out to be too much for her poor heart to handle. He’s one of those roguishly charming men who makes a great buddy but a terrible lover and partner. If it’s not ALL about him he completely withdraws. No discussion, no issues. He demands perfection and adoration. Maybe perfect adoration. Of him. Even so, for several years Jasmine gave him chance after chance to do what he SAID he wanted to do. Commit. To her. But he always let her down.
He was never happy with what he had (her), he always wanted something or someone “out there”, but he always wanted to come back and until recently she always took him back because he had her heart. But a funny thing happened over the years. Every time he pulled away, saying he “didn’t know what he wanted” (while already pursuing someone else) she pulled a little bit of her heart back from him until finally, remarkably, miraculously – she wasn’t in love with him anymore.
It reminds me of that movie, “The Breakup” with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughan. Things are horrible between them and she keeps saying she wants him back but when he finally comes to her and tells her he wants to change for her – she realizes it’s too little too late – she no longer feels the same way for him.
Still, Jasmine is like most women, including Sophia. When we commit our hearts to a man, we then set aside a whole story of how life is going to be. We envision our future together and we plan for it. We SHOULD be able to plan for it. All the princes know this and they participate in the story, promising us all kinds of things we wish for. Maybe they want it, too.
When things go wrong, it doesn’t matter why the breakup occurs. We suffer two losses – we lose our companion and we lose the dream and plan for our future. BAM! Gone in an instant! Sometimes I think that’s the hardest part. Companionship is a dime a dozen but that hope for the future with your someone special is unique and sacred.
Sophia and Jasmine lost hope. They lost the dream. They lost a special future. Sophia now has someone who desperately wants to give her the future she desires but a part of her heart is stuck on “the dream” from the frog prince. Jasmine still remembers better days, happier times of laughter and the promise of a lifetime of play together. She knows it will never be so. Not with this man. She’s confident that there is another man out there who WILL fulfill her desires and give her a chance to fulfill his. But he’s not here. Not yet.
These women are in mourning and maybe you are, too. The process is the same whether you are mourning the loss of a job, a spouse, a child or a future. There are stages to go through and my advice to Sophia, Jasmine and to you out there in similar circumstances is to let yourself feel every stage. First comes denial and hopefully it won’t last long. I mean, it is what it is. He’s gone (probably with a new princess) and you’re left here to pick up the pieces. Sounds pretty real to me. Sophia and Jasmine would tell you it feels MUCH too real. And painful.
Then you need to get angry. Go ahead. BE angry. You have a right to your anger. He made promises, didn’t he? If you’re like Sophia and Jasmine you did your dead level best and he didn’t hold up to his end of the bargain. But don’t let your anger simmer too long or you will point it at yourself and that is always destructive.
After anger, your next goal should be to move on to acceptance and gratitude. Remember what Greg Berendt said in “He’s Just Not That Into You” – just because this one isn’t the one that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you so move on until you find the one who IS into you. Once you’ve accepted the demise of this relationship you can begin to be grateful for the good things you once shared and remember them fondly, without the anger and without sadness.
How long does all this take? For each of us the timing is different. My friend Jasmine said it has happened gradually over the years of going in and out of the relationship with the Charmer. Little by little a sisterly fondness overtook the romantic love. I’m not sure Sophia is there yet. Her frog prince bit her pretty bad. All the right words, all the wrong actions. Now she’s got the guy with EVERYthing right and I think she’s a little shell-shocked, like she’s waiting for the other shoe to fall. Only time will heal that wound and overcome the doubt.
I guess that’s really it, then. Time gives us everything. Rest. Distance. Perspective. Wisdom. Healing. As it should be. Life is a circle. When it is broken you have to heal, then take the ends and bend them back together.
Sad to say, but these days MOST relationships break up. I hardly know anyone who hasn’t had a breakup of a serious relationship or marriage to include me, my parents, grandparents and one of my sons. I guess you could say I’ve got some bad karma to overcome. Or something like that.
So my question is this: Why is it so hard to do? Break up, that is. Why is it so hard to get a grip and move on? I ask because my two good friends, Sophia and Jasmine, came to me recently with similar dilemmas. They both had bad breakups but are finding it very difficult to get the sorry guy out of their minds and hearts so they can really, truly move on. I can’t tell it as well as they can so I’ll transcribe their stories as told to me.
Sophia came to me recently, in a happy relationship. Yeah, I know, so what’s the problem? Well, her prince charming (note – no capitals) is very charming indeed. He’s one of those guys who seem to LIVE to fulfill your every wish. (Where is good cloning technology when you need it?!) You name it – poof it appears, kind of like a genie in a bottle but the male kind. He adores every little quirky part of Sophia and let me tell you, she’s no shy flower. She says what she means and means what she says. She knows what she wants and she’s not shy about asking for it. I love that about her!
And you know what? HE loves her for it. And she loves him, but she tells me she may not be IN love with him. Why? Because there’s a ghost hanging around who just won’t go away. It’s the ghost of Prince Charming, the one who won her heart even though he turned out to be not so charming after all. Couldn’t hang when the going got a smidge challenging. But he had her heart and he still haunts her. Sophia says sometimes she feels like she’s in the wrong fairy tale.
It’s not that she’s unhappy exactly. She does love the little prince in many ways and they’re even planning a future together. Is she settling? You’d have to ask her. She doesn’t think so and she thinks she may “fall” for the other guy in time, especially considering how much REAL love he’s showering on her these days. Love IS a verb, after all. She just wishes the ghost would go haunt someone else and give her peace.
Then there’s Jasmine. She fell equally hard for her Prince but his flaws turned out to be too much for her poor heart to handle. He’s one of those roguishly charming men who makes a great buddy but a terrible lover and partner. If it’s not ALL about him he completely withdraws. No discussion, no issues. He demands perfection and adoration. Maybe perfect adoration. Of him. Even so, for several years Jasmine gave him chance after chance to do what he SAID he wanted to do. Commit. To her. But he always let her down.
He was never happy with what he had (her), he always wanted something or someone “out there”, but he always wanted to come back and until recently she always took him back because he had her heart. But a funny thing happened over the years. Every time he pulled away, saying he “didn’t know what he wanted” (while already pursuing someone else) she pulled a little bit of her heart back from him until finally, remarkably, miraculously – she wasn’t in love with him anymore.
It reminds me of that movie, “The Breakup” with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughan. Things are horrible between them and she keeps saying she wants him back but when he finally comes to her and tells her he wants to change for her – she realizes it’s too little too late – she no longer feels the same way for him.
Still, Jasmine is like most women, including Sophia. When we commit our hearts to a man, we then set aside a whole story of how life is going to be. We envision our future together and we plan for it. We SHOULD be able to plan for it. All the princes know this and they participate in the story, promising us all kinds of things we wish for. Maybe they want it, too.
When things go wrong, it doesn’t matter why the breakup occurs. We suffer two losses – we lose our companion and we lose the dream and plan for our future. BAM! Gone in an instant! Sometimes I think that’s the hardest part. Companionship is a dime a dozen but that hope for the future with your someone special is unique and sacred.
Sophia and Jasmine lost hope. They lost the dream. They lost a special future. Sophia now has someone who desperately wants to give her the future she desires but a part of her heart is stuck on “the dream” from the frog prince. Jasmine still remembers better days, happier times of laughter and the promise of a lifetime of play together. She knows it will never be so. Not with this man. She’s confident that there is another man out there who WILL fulfill her desires and give her a chance to fulfill his. But he’s not here. Not yet.
These women are in mourning and maybe you are, too. The process is the same whether you are mourning the loss of a job, a spouse, a child or a future. There are stages to go through and my advice to Sophia, Jasmine and to you out there in similar circumstances is to let yourself feel every stage. First comes denial and hopefully it won’t last long. I mean, it is what it is. He’s gone (probably with a new princess) and you’re left here to pick up the pieces. Sounds pretty real to me. Sophia and Jasmine would tell you it feels MUCH too real. And painful.
Then you need to get angry. Go ahead. BE angry. You have a right to your anger. He made promises, didn’t he? If you’re like Sophia and Jasmine you did your dead level best and he didn’t hold up to his end of the bargain. But don’t let your anger simmer too long or you will point it at yourself and that is always destructive.
After anger, your next goal should be to move on to acceptance and gratitude. Remember what Greg Berendt said in “He’s Just Not That Into You” – just because this one isn’t the one that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you so move on until you find the one who IS into you. Once you’ve accepted the demise of this relationship you can begin to be grateful for the good things you once shared and remember them fondly, without the anger and without sadness.
How long does all this take? For each of us the timing is different. My friend Jasmine said it has happened gradually over the years of going in and out of the relationship with the Charmer. Little by little a sisterly fondness overtook the romantic love. I’m not sure Sophia is there yet. Her frog prince bit her pretty bad. All the right words, all the wrong actions. Now she’s got the guy with EVERYthing right and I think she’s a little shell-shocked, like she’s waiting for the other shoe to fall. Only time will heal that wound and overcome the doubt.
I guess that’s really it, then. Time gives us everything. Rest. Distance. Perspective. Wisdom. Healing. As it should be. Life is a circle. When it is broken you have to heal, then take the ends and bend them back together.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
When A Man Loves A Woman
by Crystal Laramore
“…Can't keep his mind on nothing else. He'll trade the world for the good thing he's found. If she's bad he can't see it. She can do no wrong. Turn his back on his best friend if he put her down.”
Oh, don’t tell me you can’t hear Percy Sledge or Michael Bolton swooning in your ear at this very moment. Everyone on the planet knows THAT song! While women sing along with a far away dreamy look in their eyes I suspect most men may cringe at the unrealistic expectations they believe this song places on their actions.
However, some men out there rise to the challenge. Oh yes they do! We just have to be patient and prepare for their arrival. When I was in my mid-late 20’s I dated that guy who loved me but wasn’t able to provide yet. He professed (see: Act Like a Lady; Think Like A Man) but he wasn’t able to provide or protect at that time and so the time came for me to let him go. The lesson: I learned what it felt like and looked like to be loved; deeply, truly loved. It’s powerful. It’s magic. It’s intoxicating. It’s rare.
The man from my 20’s has been a bench mark for all who followed. I remember actually telling one man, “I know what it feels like to be loved, and this ain’t it”. Actually, it never really was “it” until recently. Some of my past relationships may have had some or many of the ingredients for being “it” but for whatever reasons all the ingredients didn’t get mixed up at the same time so the recipe just didn’t pan out (pun intended!).
Many of you know I recently went through a tragic break-up. The man of the hour was professing all sorts of things. But the moment he professed something other than undying love I made a grave mistake. What I should have done was said “OK” and hung up the phone. Instead I begged, pleaded and rationalized. Then, after several more months of allowing someone to profess one thing (I love you) and do another (not loving me), I finally picked up MY self respect and respectfully bowed out.
Earlier I said we have to be patient and ready (for the right guy). During my period of figuring out “what the hell just happened there” with Jon, I met my fiancée. We met during a period when I could not have cared less about love and neither could he. We had both just come out of unhealthy relationships and had given up on the opposite sex. To be quite honest I had lost my faith in many things and relationships and men were high on that list. So, we chatted with each other across the bar or across the table but I wasn’t really noticing him. As a matter of fact, after our first out-of-the-restaurant time together, I got into my vehicle without so much as a hug goodbye and drove away crying.
We had just had a nice day of riding four-wheelers on his property, rock hunting and hanging out in the barn while it rained. During that rain storm he played one of my favorite Clint Black songs “Like the Rain” and the tears were forming. I couldn’t wait to leave. I wasn’t ready for this. I was still mad at Jon. I was probably mad at God too. Well, I WAS mad at God. Anyway, I told Mr. Nice Guy that I needed to go and he said he would follow me out. At the end of his road I turned right when I should have turned left and he noticed. And, he’s been noticing ever since.
He notices when I’m happy, needy, emotional, hormonal, sick, tired, over-worked, under paid, fed-up, frustrated, in pain, insecure, excited, romantic, loving, caring, nurturing or strung out! He notices EVERYTHING about me. And he noticed that I was not believing in him, or in his words, or in his actions. He noticed I was hurt. He noticed I needed more. He noticed I needed a bona fide commitment; which is why we are engaged today. I told him what it was that was keeping my heart from becoming his and he took care of it. He handled it. He provided. He protected. He professed. And, I noticed.
Now, it took awhile for me to believe in him, but my man loves me. In the beginning he loved enough for both of us. I KNOW he loves me. And that is noticeable. I told him once “I know what it feels like to be loved and this is it”!
I cannot say it enough; “My man loves me”. I can feel it and I can see it. Furthermore, my friends/family can feel it and see it. He told me the other night “I love you on purpose”. Be still my beating heart! OMG! What a romantic thing to say. I was telling him how much I had been bragging on him that week and he just wrapped his arms around me and looked me in the eye and said “I love you on purpose”.
Listen up now, he is serious. He purposefully does the things it takes to make me fall in love with him on a regular basis. He takes care of my needs; physical, emotional, financial; not that I need that much but he helps whenever I do need/want-I have a restaurant you know!
Last week we were both sick with allergies. On Sunday I drove to his house cuz he was pouting that he missed me. We had been apart for several hours you understand. And being the independent confident woman I am, that doesn’t necessarily bother me, but it was bothering him because he was sick so, I drove to see him. He was soooo happy that I came to him that he ran me a bubble bath in the Jacuzzi tub, bathed me, shaved under my arms, shaved my legs, washed my hair, conditioned my hair, rinsed my hair, helped me out of the tub, dried me off, slathered lavender body lotion all over me, helped me into my PJ’s, and put me on a cushy pallet on the sofa and asked in sexy voice “Is there anything else I can do for you before I pass out”?
OK. In one fluid motion, THAT man professed his love for me and solidified his role as my protector and my provider! And he did it all in less than 20 minutes. He did not SAY “I’m sorry you are so sick”. He did not say much at all. He just took care of me! I will ALWAYS remember that act of love. Whenever we have an argument, and I’m sure we will, I will remember that. Yes, I can see the humungous engagement ring on my left hand, but the ring is nothing compared to the nurturing he provides on a daily basis. Oh, I know we are basically honeymooners, but my man does that stuff consistently. It wasn’t a one time peak in performance.
Before you take a step toward marriage take a look at your relationship. If you are the man and you are not loving your woman like this (or similar to it) ask yourself why. It could be just because you are lazy or it could be just b/c you don’t care like you should. But IF you LOVE her, you’ll do it anyway. If you don’t love her, leave her. Let her go. Let her go find the man who will.
Now I know how many ways to Sunday you can excuse yourself for NOT doing the things you should be doing but my man could give those same excuses. He’s raising a six year old daughter by himself. He’s been burned nine ways to Sunday by women. He owns an international corporation. A lot of people depend on him. He drives an hour one way to work. Did I mention he’s raising a six year old? But, he sends me text messages several times a day either professing his love or being funny. He calls a few times a day. We have date night during the week. We talk to each other first thing in the morning and last thing before we close our eyes to go to sleep every night. He helps me with my restaurant, staff and customers. He comes to my house every Friday and does not leave until Monday morning (making himself have to drive an hour to drop of said child at school, another 20 minutes to drop off puppy and switch vehicles and THEN drive another hour to work). So save the excuses.
Look at your relationship. If you are the woman and you are not BEING loved this way (or similar to it) then you should pick up your self-respect and respectfully bow out. Go find the man who will but do not marry the man who won’t or don’t or can’t or…
At 44 years of age I can tell you that no matter how old or young you are the person who will love you is out there. And, “When a man loves a woman, spend his very last dime tryin' to hold on to what he needs. He'd give up all his comfort; sleep out in the rain if she said that's the way it ought to be…
“…Can't keep his mind on nothing else. He'll trade the world for the good thing he's found. If she's bad he can't see it. She can do no wrong. Turn his back on his best friend if he put her down.”
Oh, don’t tell me you can’t hear Percy Sledge or Michael Bolton swooning in your ear at this very moment. Everyone on the planet knows THAT song! While women sing along with a far away dreamy look in their eyes I suspect most men may cringe at the unrealistic expectations they believe this song places on their actions.
However, some men out there rise to the challenge. Oh yes they do! We just have to be patient and prepare for their arrival. When I was in my mid-late 20’s I dated that guy who loved me but wasn’t able to provide yet. He professed (see: Act Like a Lady; Think Like A Man) but he wasn’t able to provide or protect at that time and so the time came for me to let him go. The lesson: I learned what it felt like and looked like to be loved; deeply, truly loved. It’s powerful. It’s magic. It’s intoxicating. It’s rare.
The man from my 20’s has been a bench mark for all who followed. I remember actually telling one man, “I know what it feels like to be loved, and this ain’t it”. Actually, it never really was “it” until recently. Some of my past relationships may have had some or many of the ingredients for being “it” but for whatever reasons all the ingredients didn’t get mixed up at the same time so the recipe just didn’t pan out (pun intended!).
Many of you know I recently went through a tragic break-up. The man of the hour was professing all sorts of things. But the moment he professed something other than undying love I made a grave mistake. What I should have done was said “OK” and hung up the phone. Instead I begged, pleaded and rationalized. Then, after several more months of allowing someone to profess one thing (I love you) and do another (not loving me), I finally picked up MY self respect and respectfully bowed out.
Earlier I said we have to be patient and ready (for the right guy). During my period of figuring out “what the hell just happened there” with Jon, I met my fiancée. We met during a period when I could not have cared less about love and neither could he. We had both just come out of unhealthy relationships and had given up on the opposite sex. To be quite honest I had lost my faith in many things and relationships and men were high on that list. So, we chatted with each other across the bar or across the table but I wasn’t really noticing him. As a matter of fact, after our first out-of-the-restaurant time together, I got into my vehicle without so much as a hug goodbye and drove away crying.
We had just had a nice day of riding four-wheelers on his property, rock hunting and hanging out in the barn while it rained. During that rain storm he played one of my favorite Clint Black songs “Like the Rain” and the tears were forming. I couldn’t wait to leave. I wasn’t ready for this. I was still mad at Jon. I was probably mad at God too. Well, I WAS mad at God. Anyway, I told Mr. Nice Guy that I needed to go and he said he would follow me out. At the end of his road I turned right when I should have turned left and he noticed. And, he’s been noticing ever since.
He notices when I’m happy, needy, emotional, hormonal, sick, tired, over-worked, under paid, fed-up, frustrated, in pain, insecure, excited, romantic, loving, caring, nurturing or strung out! He notices EVERYTHING about me. And he noticed that I was not believing in him, or in his words, or in his actions. He noticed I was hurt. He noticed I needed more. He noticed I needed a bona fide commitment; which is why we are engaged today. I told him what it was that was keeping my heart from becoming his and he took care of it. He handled it. He provided. He protected. He professed. And, I noticed.
Now, it took awhile for me to believe in him, but my man loves me. In the beginning he loved enough for both of us. I KNOW he loves me. And that is noticeable. I told him once “I know what it feels like to be loved and this is it”!
I cannot say it enough; “My man loves me”. I can feel it and I can see it. Furthermore, my friends/family can feel it and see it. He told me the other night “I love you on purpose”. Be still my beating heart! OMG! What a romantic thing to say. I was telling him how much I had been bragging on him that week and he just wrapped his arms around me and looked me in the eye and said “I love you on purpose”.
Listen up now, he is serious. He purposefully does the things it takes to make me fall in love with him on a regular basis. He takes care of my needs; physical, emotional, financial; not that I need that much but he helps whenever I do need/want-I have a restaurant you know!
Last week we were both sick with allergies. On Sunday I drove to his house cuz he was pouting that he missed me. We had been apart for several hours you understand. And being the independent confident woman I am, that doesn’t necessarily bother me, but it was bothering him because he was sick so, I drove to see him. He was soooo happy that I came to him that he ran me a bubble bath in the Jacuzzi tub, bathed me, shaved under my arms, shaved my legs, washed my hair, conditioned my hair, rinsed my hair, helped me out of the tub, dried me off, slathered lavender body lotion all over me, helped me into my PJ’s, and put me on a cushy pallet on the sofa and asked in sexy voice “Is there anything else I can do for you before I pass out”?
OK. In one fluid motion, THAT man professed his love for me and solidified his role as my protector and my provider! And he did it all in less than 20 minutes. He did not SAY “I’m sorry you are so sick”. He did not say much at all. He just took care of me! I will ALWAYS remember that act of love. Whenever we have an argument, and I’m sure we will, I will remember that. Yes, I can see the humungous engagement ring on my left hand, but the ring is nothing compared to the nurturing he provides on a daily basis. Oh, I know we are basically honeymooners, but my man does that stuff consistently. It wasn’t a one time peak in performance.
Before you take a step toward marriage take a look at your relationship. If you are the man and you are not loving your woman like this (or similar to it) ask yourself why. It could be just because you are lazy or it could be just b/c you don’t care like you should. But IF you LOVE her, you’ll do it anyway. If you don’t love her, leave her. Let her go. Let her go find the man who will.
Now I know how many ways to Sunday you can excuse yourself for NOT doing the things you should be doing but my man could give those same excuses. He’s raising a six year old daughter by himself. He’s been burned nine ways to Sunday by women. He owns an international corporation. A lot of people depend on him. He drives an hour one way to work. Did I mention he’s raising a six year old? But, he sends me text messages several times a day either professing his love or being funny. He calls a few times a day. We have date night during the week. We talk to each other first thing in the morning and last thing before we close our eyes to go to sleep every night. He helps me with my restaurant, staff and customers. He comes to my house every Friday and does not leave until Monday morning (making himself have to drive an hour to drop of said child at school, another 20 minutes to drop off puppy and switch vehicles and THEN drive another hour to work). So save the excuses.
Look at your relationship. If you are the woman and you are not BEING loved this way (or similar to it) then you should pick up your self-respect and respectfully bow out. Go find the man who will but do not marry the man who won’t or don’t or can’t or…
At 44 years of age I can tell you that no matter how old or young you are the person who will love you is out there. And, “When a man loves a woman, spend his very last dime tryin' to hold on to what he needs. He'd give up all his comfort; sleep out in the rain if she said that's the way it ought to be…
Monday, January 5, 2009
Ohhh Santa!
28 December 08
By Crystal Laramore
Ohhh Santa!
Sooooo. Was everybody good this year? Did you all get what you wanted for Christmas? Did you get something you didn’t even know you wanted? Hopefully everyone had a surprise or two in their stocking. And for all you mean people out there…well, we hope you got what you deserve as well.
What about giving? Did you give some special gifts? Did you give some funny gifts? Those are my favorite. I love finding that perfect funny gift that makes me LOL IN the store! I gave my sister a compact mirror that read: Eat, Drink & Remarry! LOL! LOL! LOL!
I wonder if anyone who’s been reading my Blogs can guess what my predominant gift was this year to give-to my girlfriends… I’ll give you a hint: It was a book…Ok, I gave out several copies of “Why Men Love Bit*hes”. I giggled soooo much giving out those books to my girlfriends. And guys don’t get your tinsel in a tangle. Bit*h isn’t defined as you might think. No one wants to be around a traditional bit*h, but everyone wants to be around a self-assured woman who is not a doormat. Get the book. If you are a man, get the book for your woman. Or your daughter. Or your sister. Or your mother…
Face Book gave me an unexpected gift; they took a stand against women showing themselves breast-feeding their babies on their site. What IS the point of showing the world (what should be) a private moment between a woman and her newborn baby? No it’s NOT porn but some sicko out there will certainly turn something beautiful into something ugly. What is the big deal about keeping it off the big screen? Are we that narcissistic? Is there ANYTHING left (apparently not for the Left) that we want to keep sacred and private?
But I digress…a long time ago a woman I worked with was getting new carpet in her house for Christmas and the look on my face could have doubled on a horror flick. How impersonal! Doesn’t HE get to use the carpet TOO? Anyway it was what she wanted. It took me over twenty years to appreciate that. This Christmas I got an ice machine! Not only did mama get a brand new ice machine but also, Santa kicked the mean ice machine-man out of my restaurant! It was great! Scrooge vs. Santa. Santa won!
Another great Christmas gift I received this year was a box of Blue Diamond Organic crackers. Glutton-free too! I don’t really know what glutton is, but I do know it’s some really good stuff! So, whatever the Blue Diamond people are putting in their crackers, to make up for taking out the glutton, its working. I’ve been coveting my girlfriend Kathy’s crackers (no, not her big-a$ house, just her crack-ers) for so long that she bought me 87 boxes of various flavors of these addictive crack(hmmm)ers. Secretly, Kathy must wonder if I’m there to visit her or the crack-ers…I DO spend a lot of time in her pantry. Anyway, the presents you never even thought of are the ones that mean the most. I certainly think she was LOL IN the store!
Just a little side note: In all fairness, Kathy owes me all the crack-ers I can eat in my lifetime. When I was sad, depressed and barely hanging on by my chewed up fingernails, doing the ugly cry on the freeway one Sunday evening, I pulled over to pull it together and called my “friend” Kathy. See, when you are depressed you need to know where all of your friends live and you need to know all of their addictions so you can choose who will best fit your needs at any particular point in your meltdown/healing process. This particular night I needed wine and since my sister was and hour and half south, I called Kathy. And women all around the world know the ugly-must have wine- cry when they hear it.
And you need to choose girlfriends with really great husbands too. Ron (Kathy’s husband) built us a fire, told me what a *&(^%$ Richard was, drank a little wine (not too much or we’ll get pissed off that you’re into our stash) with us and then politely dismissed himself so we could trash the male species as a whole.
After we drank the case, err, I mean a few bottles of wine, Kathy showed me to my suite and made sure I was still breathing before she closed the door. When I awoke the next morning, sleepy, groggy and following the scent of coffee, I staggered down the long hallway to the great room. The 47 dogs she has rescued surrounded me and before I could really think I heard one of the dogs squawking really loud. Hmmm. What a strange noise to be coming from a dog…then I looked up just in time to see a 10-foot span of green feathers flying at me-Ahhh the squawking seems to be coming from the moving green thing-And the moving green thing is on my freaking head-BITING my freaking ear! Have you ever heard that girl that’s about to be killed in Friday the 13th scream? Well, Arthur did. I think it was the blood-curdling scream I had needed to get out for a while anyway. Pain and relief at the same time….Ahhhhh. So, for Christmas Arthur got a bullet from me, and it sits on top of his cage. Snicker.
Another great gift was the Copenhaver’s. On Saturday I had the door locked after lunch and Santa must have unlocked it just for Barry & Judy Copenhaver. We drank a few beers and visited and then they were off. They are the couple I wrote the “Respect” article about. I served with their daughter Jill in Baghdad, Iraq. Keep up. And on Tuesday Jill followed suit and the visit was complete!
Anyway, the most important gifts come from the heart. And I gave myself a gift as well; the gift of letting go. Richard got a Dear Jon (that is funnier than most of you know!) letter and I mailed “The Box”. The great thing about letting go is you can look back and realize that what you had wasn’t what you thought you were getting anyway. All the advice from your friends and family finally, after all those tears, makes sense. When the smoke signals settled and the wild look in my eyes calmed down, when the wild kitties and squirrels felt it was safe to return, I was able to look at the man I was crying over and realize I was crying over the idea of him, not him. People can tell you a lot of things but actions really do speak louder than words. Ladies, Gentlemen, KNOW what you want. And know when the show is over.
For decades I’ve told thousands of people, “Until you let go of the negative (no matter if it’s a job or a partner or a friend, or glutton…) you cannot make room for the positive”. As soon as I let go of the negative, the positive was right there; the positive energy, the positive thought process, the positive people, etc. “Let go and let God” is not just a pretty little phrase. It’s what I did and I’m grateful, soooo grateful for the people God put in my life to help me through such a difficult time. Ok, THEY may not be so grateful, but sacrifices do have to be made in the name of love and friendship! And thank GOD they love me!
I spent some time looking back over some of their wisdom-filled emails they wrote over the last several months and just LMAO! What’s that song…”I can see clearly now the rain is gone…”? It’s like Dah! And really (truly) I’m not bitter… Bitterness leads to Botox people!
Merry Christmas AC, Deb, Laura, Greg, Jacqueline, Kathy, Ron, Dale (AKA Santa), Bill, Bob and yes, even you Richard.
Match.com: 120.00/year
Dinner with an idiot: Free
Letting go: Priceless
By Crystal Laramore
Ohhh Santa!
Sooooo. Was everybody good this year? Did you all get what you wanted for Christmas? Did you get something you didn’t even know you wanted? Hopefully everyone had a surprise or two in their stocking. And for all you mean people out there…well, we hope you got what you deserve as well.
What about giving? Did you give some special gifts? Did you give some funny gifts? Those are my favorite. I love finding that perfect funny gift that makes me LOL IN the store! I gave my sister a compact mirror that read: Eat, Drink & Remarry! LOL! LOL! LOL!
I wonder if anyone who’s been reading my Blogs can guess what my predominant gift was this year to give-to my girlfriends… I’ll give you a hint: It was a book…Ok, I gave out several copies of “Why Men Love Bit*hes”. I giggled soooo much giving out those books to my girlfriends. And guys don’t get your tinsel in a tangle. Bit*h isn’t defined as you might think. No one wants to be around a traditional bit*h, but everyone wants to be around a self-assured woman who is not a doormat. Get the book. If you are a man, get the book for your woman. Or your daughter. Or your sister. Or your mother…
Face Book gave me an unexpected gift; they took a stand against women showing themselves breast-feeding their babies on their site. What IS the point of showing the world (what should be) a private moment between a woman and her newborn baby? No it’s NOT porn but some sicko out there will certainly turn something beautiful into something ugly. What is the big deal about keeping it off the big screen? Are we that narcissistic? Is there ANYTHING left (apparently not for the Left) that we want to keep sacred and private?
But I digress…a long time ago a woman I worked with was getting new carpet in her house for Christmas and the look on my face could have doubled on a horror flick. How impersonal! Doesn’t HE get to use the carpet TOO? Anyway it was what she wanted. It took me over twenty years to appreciate that. This Christmas I got an ice machine! Not only did mama get a brand new ice machine but also, Santa kicked the mean ice machine-man out of my restaurant! It was great! Scrooge vs. Santa. Santa won!
Another great Christmas gift I received this year was a box of Blue Diamond Organic crackers. Glutton-free too! I don’t really know what glutton is, but I do know it’s some really good stuff! So, whatever the Blue Diamond people are putting in their crackers, to make up for taking out the glutton, its working. I’ve been coveting my girlfriend Kathy’s crackers (no, not her big-a$ house, just her crack-ers) for so long that she bought me 87 boxes of various flavors of these addictive crack(hmmm)ers. Secretly, Kathy must wonder if I’m there to visit her or the crack-ers…I DO spend a lot of time in her pantry. Anyway, the presents you never even thought of are the ones that mean the most. I certainly think she was LOL IN the store!
Just a little side note: In all fairness, Kathy owes me all the crack-ers I can eat in my lifetime. When I was sad, depressed and barely hanging on by my chewed up fingernails, doing the ugly cry on the freeway one Sunday evening, I pulled over to pull it together and called my “friend” Kathy. See, when you are depressed you need to know where all of your friends live and you need to know all of their addictions so you can choose who will best fit your needs at any particular point in your meltdown/healing process. This particular night I needed wine and since my sister was and hour and half south, I called Kathy. And women all around the world know the ugly-must have wine- cry when they hear it.
And you need to choose girlfriends with really great husbands too. Ron (Kathy’s husband) built us a fire, told me what a *&(^%$ Richard was, drank a little wine (not too much or we’ll get pissed off that you’re into our stash) with us and then politely dismissed himself so we could trash the male species as a whole.
After we drank the case, err, I mean a few bottles of wine, Kathy showed me to my suite and made sure I was still breathing before she closed the door. When I awoke the next morning, sleepy, groggy and following the scent of coffee, I staggered down the long hallway to the great room. The 47 dogs she has rescued surrounded me and before I could really think I heard one of the dogs squawking really loud. Hmmm. What a strange noise to be coming from a dog…then I looked up just in time to see a 10-foot span of green feathers flying at me-Ahhh the squawking seems to be coming from the moving green thing-And the moving green thing is on my freaking head-BITING my freaking ear! Have you ever heard that girl that’s about to be killed in Friday the 13th scream? Well, Arthur did. I think it was the blood-curdling scream I had needed to get out for a while anyway. Pain and relief at the same time….Ahhhhh. So, for Christmas Arthur got a bullet from me, and it sits on top of his cage. Snicker.
Another great gift was the Copenhaver’s. On Saturday I had the door locked after lunch and Santa must have unlocked it just for Barry & Judy Copenhaver. We drank a few beers and visited and then they were off. They are the couple I wrote the “Respect” article about. I served with their daughter Jill in Baghdad, Iraq. Keep up. And on Tuesday Jill followed suit and the visit was complete!
Anyway, the most important gifts come from the heart. And I gave myself a gift as well; the gift of letting go. Richard got a Dear Jon (that is funnier than most of you know!) letter and I mailed “The Box”. The great thing about letting go is you can look back and realize that what you had wasn’t what you thought you were getting anyway. All the advice from your friends and family finally, after all those tears, makes sense. When the smoke signals settled and the wild look in my eyes calmed down, when the wild kitties and squirrels felt it was safe to return, I was able to look at the man I was crying over and realize I was crying over the idea of him, not him. People can tell you a lot of things but actions really do speak louder than words. Ladies, Gentlemen, KNOW what you want. And know when the show is over.
For decades I’ve told thousands of people, “Until you let go of the negative (no matter if it’s a job or a partner or a friend, or glutton…) you cannot make room for the positive”. As soon as I let go of the negative, the positive was right there; the positive energy, the positive thought process, the positive people, etc. “Let go and let God” is not just a pretty little phrase. It’s what I did and I’m grateful, soooo grateful for the people God put in my life to help me through such a difficult time. Ok, THEY may not be so grateful, but sacrifices do have to be made in the name of love and friendship! And thank GOD they love me!
I spent some time looking back over some of their wisdom-filled emails they wrote over the last several months and just LMAO! What’s that song…”I can see clearly now the rain is gone…”? It’s like Dah! And really (truly) I’m not bitter… Bitterness leads to Botox people!
Merry Christmas AC, Deb, Laura, Greg, Jacqueline, Kathy, Ron, Dale (AKA Santa), Bill, Bob and yes, even you Richard.
Match.com: 120.00/year
Dinner with an idiot: Free
Letting go: Priceless
Monday, November 24, 2008
Dear Whoever’s Still Listening…Need Big Ass Shiraz…Stat…
Monday, 17 November 2008
Sex in the Woods
by Crystal Laramore
Dear Whoever’s Still Listening…Need Big Ass Shiraz…Stat…
“We’re not over. I love you with all my heart”. I keep hearing the words. The words keep me up at night. But the action (or lack there of), doesn’t back up the words. And that wakes me in the middle of the night. It’s been over a week since he’s called. Three weeks between that phone call and the last. Here’s your sign. The whispered words are fainter with each passing day. Silly girl, tricks are for rabbits.
Anyhoo, my mojo is coming back! Well, my coffee mojo anyway. There for a few weeks I just couldn’t get it right. Every morning I make myself (cuz I can’t afford staff on days the restaurant is closed) a café latte and froth the milk and lately the frothing part of my daily ritual has been off a bit. Well, it’s been flat, actually. No froth. Do you know how devastating no froth in a café latte is? Especially to an already unbalanced individual.
But one day last week I made the perfect cup of coffee, froth and all! The next thought had no real place in my pattern of thoughts…wait, have I had a pattern lately? Yes. Scattered. So, actually the next thought fit right in. It was about a cat my sister hijacked. She didn’t really kidnap it as she does let it go outside but she has definitely hijacked it.
My little sister was going through a divorce and doing the whole “why doesn’t he love me” drama dance, like we doooooo, and she was praying to God to get her mojo back. About that time a black, male cat showed up on her front porch, walked right in her cluttered “I’m newly divorced” condo and made himself right at home. She was a bit taken aback since she not only didn’t like cats, she didn’t like men. And a black cat? What more bad luck could she possibly withstand? Well, there was a collar and a name tag on the black, male cat. His ass was goin home! Until she read the name tag. His name: Drum roll please: MOJO! Seriously. God really does do things to amuse himself. I can see him now sitting on his throne giggling to himself saying “Ya really gotta learn to be more specific people, otherwise…”
Since God was channeling himself through the black, male cat named Mojo, my sister decided she should probably, at the very least, provide food and shelter. Hopefully she never provides clothing. The hijacking part comes from the fact that she bought cat a diamond studded dual bowl set, is dishing up it’s favorite brand of caviar and serving it Evian water. Would YOU go back home? God keeps looking around Heaven asking Peter “Where IS my son”? Wonder where he got off to this week.
Anyway, back to me: I now know why people get together during a time of pain and suffering. When we are hurting we want someone to console us and when it can’t be the one delivering the P&S (pain & suffering) sometimes we turn to who is available/willing. Ooooooh, I just thought of another song to replace the silly love songs: “So if you can’t beeeeeee with the one you love honey, love the one you’re with”. Oh, I digress. My bad. I have a good friend who I do not want to date for reasons far beyond the fact that he is a great man. And being the great man he is, when I called, when I needed him, he came running; even though I was drunk-texting him; even though he knew who I really wanted. Yes, he came over – Even Though - and just held me. Excuse me, I’m getting teary-eyed and need a break. I just put on make-up and hate to waste good product…
…ok, I’m back. Whew. The sadness comes in waves. So, my friend didn’t even have a clue that Richard had put me on hold. I told ya’ll already that I hadn’t let on to my friends and letting go is such a quiet sound. My friend was totally shocked as he has met Richard and thought it was a match made in heaven. Yeah, me too. That’s the funny (gotta laugh or I’ll cry again and again) thing - it is a match made in Heaven. My friend wondered why I hadn’t called him before now. I told it him it wouldn’t have done any good cuz he wouldn’t have been able to understand me. The ugly cry doesn’t lend itself to comprehensible verbiage. He may have understood sign language; maybe we could have played charades: Woman in midst of ugly cry, making loud duck(like) call sounds with nose, coupons for Kleenex with lotion surrounding her, arm reaching toward bottle of Big Ass Shiraz holding empty wine glass…No last night was the perfect time. I was able to clearly state my case and not cry. Oh, I got teary-eyed, but not one tear rolled down my cheek. Moving right along. Isn’t it sad?
Anyway, my friend held me and we talked about the evening at the restaurant. I told him about my new musician and how he had invited someone here to meet me. The man’s name was Richard. My friend said “Hmm. You certainly don’t want to start dating someone with the same name as the one you’re trying to get over”. Wow! I hadn’t even put two and twelve together! So there I was being introduced to another Richard and never even thought of my Richard! Ha! How do ya like that? It’s about time! (And no, I do not want to date anyone else. What I want however seems not to be the issue. But, what I am doing is waiting and hoping and venting.) My friend and I decided I was on the road to recovery! And then, I made another perfect café latte this morning! Fluffy froth and all!
And, I took a shower. I didn’t cry and I didn’t draw hearts with his name in the center. What I did do was discover that if you are really interested in your hygiene there is a lot to do in there! It just takes focus. No time for crying when you are actually shaving your legs, washing AND conditioning your hair, scrubbing the dead skin (there’s a metaphor if you think for a split-second…) off your feet and just generally cleaning your body. I’m not sure I’ve been remembering all of those steps lately. I’ve had other stuff to do in there. Like draw hearts and write “I love Richard” in the fog and cry and beat the wall and scream at the water; then erase the hearts and love notes and step out of the therapy shower without falling down. I fell down once about eight years ago and the only thing I keep thinking through this heart-wrenching betrayal I’m feeling is that I can’t fall down again. I can get weak, I can cry but, I. Can’t. Fall. Down. Must. Not. Fall. Down.
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