Bad Parenting 101

By Crystal Laramore

Edited by Deborah Martin

Hope you guys had a great Thanksgiving holiday. I had the week off! And I was thankful. This year I have a lot to be thankful for. I am especially thankful I have a wonderful new family. And I’m most thankful they haven’t left me yet! It’s been an adjustment for me more so than them but they are both patient. My husband is 52. Sometimes he’s not really patient, he’s just tired but the end result is the same-I vent and he sits in the recliner watching HD football and pretends to listen/care. The 6 year old is patient cuz she has to be. I’m mainly in charge of her food, clothing and shelter and “puppy time”.

My husband came complete with two grown children, a daughter-in law, two grandsons and a 6 year old precious little girl that lives with us. And however precious she is, she IS SIX. She has made me laugh, cry and sing with joy. I fell in love with her father first, but I am falling in love with her more and more every day. My heart sometimes skips beats when she hugs me and tells me she loves me. And somewhere in the middle of all the chaos and adjustments-we’ve become a family. And this new family has given me a whole different perspective in life and a whole new direction in writing. I could write all day about politics and relationships but for now you will have to endure some “kid” stories. Lord knows I’ve endured enough of them over the years!

Last week's article received a lot of attention for which I was quite surprised! Women from around the country responded with such encouraging words! “Girl, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet! Just wait till she’s 13! Oh honey, it doesn’t get easier. It gets harder. Good luck. May the force be with you. Wait till she starts driving! Wait till she starts liking boys. You may be new to this but it’s the same with all moms! And my editor/former friend said I’m SOOOOOOOO glad my kids are grown!”

Mostly, I consider myself a worldly, empowered, intelligent woman with a wide range of ways to express myself. I just cried; and wrote some more - to free myself of the sinful thoughts in my heart. Amen.

One of my friends, Sophie, just called me to share one of her experiences raising a child for the first time-yeah, she’s old too! Sophie and her husband adopted an 8 year-old 5 years ago. Yes, 8+5 = 13. She survives through visualization and meditation.

Sophie considers herself a highly intelligent, well-rounded individual. She has a demanding, high-paying job. She calls on the best of the best in her industry. She is consistently wheeling, dealing, dining and drinking (H2O that is)…
So how can such an accomplished woman send her child off to school without lunch money? How can such a capable woman bring her child to the brink of dirty hallway "Coke & Cheetos" deals?

Just the other day she took her child to buy a pair of Fat Baby’s. Right! I had no idea either. Apparently they are all the craze in the child-fashion-apparel-boot dept. There they were! The cammo Fat Baby boots! Too bad they were 2 sizes too big. OR not too bad after all! Seems the child doesn’t CARE if they don’t fit. “I WANT THE BOOTS!" Okay, Okay, Okay….get the damn boots!

Then said child decided she wanted to wear them to a funeral. Mom said no (as well she should have). Seems the child doesn’t CARE if you shouldn’t wear cammo boots to a funeral. “I WANT TO WEAR MY BOOTS.” Okay, Okay, Okay….wear the damn boots.
As soon as they walked into the funeral home some red-neck said “Hey, I like your boots”. And mom got the head-spasm-eyes rolled in the back of the head-I told you so look. We are all sure he was being sarcastic but she’s 13-YOU explain to her…

Speaking of fashion statements, I decided to let our child discover her own form of fashion. So when she shows up with a pink print skirt and a solid orange shirt with monkeys on it-don’t judge me. The cream colored turtleneck and the white cotton skirt-that one you never had to see. Some fashion faux paus are even too devastating for ME to witness much less make my friends (while I still have them) at school suffer through them.

Sometimes her dad comes into her bedroom (after I’ve drunk 2 cups of coffee, wash/dried/folded/put away 2 loads of laundry, fed child a popsicle stick for breakfast-WHAT? Sophie said they’re made with REAL fruit juice from concentrate, fed puppies, painstakingly watched Shaggy and Scooby solve yet another unsolvable mystery, helped child brush teeth, done homework if we forgot the night b4, packed backpack and gotten her dressed) and says “WHY is she wearing THAT”? And I say “Because you were taking a long, hot shower” with the head-spasm-eyes rolled in the back of my head-I told you not to leave us alone look. Any MORE intelligent questions?

Why JUST last Friday I sent her to school wearing her pretty pink skirt, matching top (HUGE step) and pretty high-gloss-glittery-pink shoes. Two outta three ain’t bad! Ain’t bad at all. I did have to do a pre-emptive strike and forewarn her father “Don’t say a word. Just tell her she looks pretty”. Of course this weird behavior from her conservative father confused the child and she immediately pointed out the shoes “But, look at my SHOES Daddy...” He never waivered. My husband-the pillar of strength in the face of hig-shine-pink-glitter-shoes adversity. He just stayed on track and repeated “I see them. You.Look.Pretty.” Confused but happy, she thanked him and skipped out of our bedroom with the help of her magic shoes!

I asked my friends if that was considered bad parenting and one of them replied “No. She can just click her heels twice and say…

‘There’s no place like Neieman ’s!’”