by Crystal Laramore Lutz
…in an enchanted land far, far away.
Through all the moaning, bellyaching, griping and general bitc#!n& I did last year about Richard; after all the Big A$$ Shiraz in the Continental U.S. was consumed I must admit: it was all worth it to stumble into the arms of my true Prince Charming; the real Prince Charming; the one who DOES what the imposter promised.
My sister, Jacqueline, used to be a big-wig-banking-executive and her analogy for most men she dated was “The real man never shows up until about 3-6 mos. into dating. Nope, until they have you where they want you, they send their representative”. Snicker. Doesn’t this ring true! (BTW, she found her Prince Charming too!)
But when you Cinderellas out there (and we are ALL Cinderella!) meet your Prince Charming (and know how to keep him b/c you’ve been reading the books) he WILL marry you! That is what Princes do. It’s the frogs that kiss us, woo us, whisper sweet nothing’s in our ear, buy us flowers and chocolates and dump us (or prepare us for the dumping) via a text message. But, I’m not bitter.
Now, to be fair, if you are Cinderella and he is kissing and wooing and being generally superficial about the relationship yet you are sleeping in his kingdom without the keys or coloring in the fairy-tale book with his colors-you deserve to be dumped. There is too much coloring going on these days and not enough talking. Oh, shut up frogs!
Cinderella-if he is a Prince-he will want to talk to you. He will want to know your needs and desires (sometimes he’s trying to figure out if he can handle them so don’t have diarrhea of the mouth pls.) He will want to KNOW so he can ACT on this information. Action is the key here. Words mean nothing. Any old frog can croak out, “I love you.”
But, the REAL prince will woo you beyond your wildest imagination. He will listen to what you say. He will pay attention. He will respect your boundaries, so have some! He WANTS to know them because frogs and even princes will test the boundaries. But he also wants to know so he can fulfill your desires. Princes like doing that. They (the princes) get a kick out of making us happy! Anyway, like I said a minute ago – boundaries - get some! And keep them.
And if it’s a commitment you want, he’ll search his kingdom over until he has just the proper jewels to bestow upon you. But, you must have standards and make them known. Prince or frog; neither can read your lovely mind.
When my last frog (oh, I’ve been through many frogs and made ALL the mistakes) showed his ugly warts my Prince Charming Husband was hanging around waiting to pick up the pieces. I did not immediately warm up to him b/c I still had some ugly warts from the frog but, he was persistent. I gave him all the reasons I was not interested in him. I made him read the insanity that had been my life-yes, the same insanity you all read! Still, he was “all-in”. Why? Because he knew a Cinderella when he saw one. He knew how rare they were to find. And being a Prince and all he wasn’t afraid of the big, dark, scary, frightening word “commitment”. No, on the contrary he embraced the thought of happily ever-after with the princess he saw before him.
And let me tell you-I AM his princess. A year later, after an incredible courtship, wedding and honeymoon he is STILL treating me with all the love and respect and admiration a woman could ever hope to wrap her mind around. He IS my number one fan!
Just last night he gave me a hot oil treatment for my hair. (HIS IDEA LADIES) Since the magic potion had to sit for 15 minutes he rubbed my feet with exfoliating lotion and buffed my heels! Oh yeah! Now listen, HE lit the candles and incense and HE channeled Barry White and Aaron Neville through the iPOD.
Amazingly enough, he did all of this KNOWING there was a football game on that he could be watching in HD on the new LED! Oh yes he did! But wait-there’s more. After the hair treatment he poured me a glass of French wine, brought me Belgium dark chocolates, gave me an hour long Swedish massage and whispered sweet nothing’s in my ear.
At some point I vaguely remember asking him “How’d I get so lucky to marry such a good man”? He replied, as any Prince would, “Because you are a good woman”.
So the next time some guy is jerking you around, I have three tiny words for you to say to him: “Feeling froggy? Jump”!
Showing posts with label David E. Kelley. Show all posts
Showing posts with label David E. Kelley. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Howlin’ @ the Moon!
By Crystal Laramore
Research can be a daunting task, just ask any researcher. And, let’s be clear; taking one person’s ideas and claiming them as your very own is plagiarism. Period. Taking many people’s ideas, rearranging them, THEN claiming them as your very own is called research! OK. Anyway, while researching one of my favorite topics, relationships, I came across a book titled, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man”. I grabbed up said book at Barnes & Noble and stowed it in my carry-on savoring it for my girl’s only trip to México.
My girlfriend, Dr. Deanna Foster has a house in Puerto Vallarta (you can stay there too: www.suenotropical.com). If you are a frequent visitor and you also happen to be very cool, like my friend Peggy Peterson, you know and refer to it simply as PV. Sometimes, I am fortunate enough to get to travel to PV and hang out there for small sums of money. And, since I only have small sums…
This time we (meaning SHE) decided no men, just us. A great week of journaling (which I bet the men are pissed they missed out on), reflection, sun-bathing au natural, self-discovery (which has nothing to do with sun-bathing au natural…it’s not like that, its INNER self-discovery), exercise and shopping which is of course is a form of exercise!
The great thing about Casa Sueno Tropical #194, is Christina and Ana! When you arrive the doors are always open so the first thing you see upon your arrival is the spectacular view of the Pacific Ocean. Drop your bags at the door and head on out to the south veranda b/c they will have fresh guacamole, pico and homemade tostada chips waiting for you. And, when you are ready, (and you do need to “ready” yourself) Christina makes your fresh, homemade margarita! One, toooo, phree, I’m a goner!
Today I arrived early so I grabbed the research goods and headed off to the south veranda to do some “research”. I don’t think tequila and thinking/good motor skills go so well together…I hadn’t even opened the darn book …when I was spilling the phird margarita everywhere, even on the book itself. Ahh maaannn, now the pages are swelled up and smell like a tequila factory.
I should take a nap. Ahhh, I see a hammock. Big yawn.
And just to be clear, my other favorite subject is politics which is why my last several articles have been on that very topic. But alas, I was tiring of the subject and ready to get back to the sex talk. The reason I love the topic of relationships so much is b/c they are so hard to understand. We have a man and we have a woman and the two are supposed to but, never really do, unite in total freaking total bliss till the end of flipping time. Gimme a break! God must be a comedian. It’s got to be the original occupation. And He apparently became so enamored with His very own wit; He thought He should spread the good cheer. Oh joy! Some jokes you should just keep to yourself. Couldn’t He have come up with something less sadistic than trying to make a man and a woman live “happily” ever after? He IS God for Peter’s sake!
I’m a little drunken. And sleepy. I should pick this up again tomorri-oh. Nighty, night.
Day two of research project in México not going much better than day one. However, I did not; I repeat I did NOT have tequila for breakfast. Snicker. I had coffee. With tequila. Not really. Snicker.
At some point after margaritas and a siesta, my girlfriend and I were discussing our current and past relationship experiences (cuz that’s what we came for, might as well get it out of the way and head to Yelapa!) and we decided that not being totally 100% over the moon for a man is probably quite healthy. And attractive.
Does tequila really make your clothes fall off?
Seriously, think about the last time you were 100% over the moon for a man…that’s enough time. How did you behave? Did you howl when he didn’t call for 3 hours? Did you bark at him when he finally, after all those hours of making you wait, did call? Did your fangs show every time he looked at another woman or mentioned another woman’s name? Did your hind legs kick back and forth every time he showed you a little attention? Did you immediately roll over so he could rub your tummy? Did you slobber every time he showed up and opened a door for you? Did you lick him constantly just because he was there? Did you growl during sex? Did you attack him when he said you were too needy?
If you answered “no” to any of these questions then you’re a liar and you are not ready for a healthy relationship. Put down the paper and step away from the denial. When you are ready, come back to us and we can help you.
Anyhoo, Dr. Foster and I were discussing the past and present and decided we are much more attractive in our current state of “If he stays he stays. If he goes he goes”. Not that we wouldn’t be sad if he left, not that we don’t love them to pieces, not that we don’t really, really want to be with them; it’s just that we wouldn’t fall off the moon and need to be gorilla glued back together if they left.
And THAT ladies is how our men need us to be. They may not know or admit it, but that’s the way they want us as well. Because as soon as we jump over the said moon emotionally, we are no longer attractive; we are needy. And, most importantly, the challenge is gone. Yes, I said challenge. Men can tell you they are simple little creatures till the wolves quit howling at the moon, but they want a challenge. Never, ever forget it. It not their fault. It’s the testosterone. Build it up. Tear it down. They will build up a relationship up until the moment they know, beyond a moon’s shadow of a doubt they have you 100% and then they will set about tearing it down. It’s all a challenge.
Now, what they don’t need you challenging is their manhood, or their paychecks or their authority as man of the house but, they DO need a sparring life-partner. If you don’t have an edge, get one and don’t fall off of it. Be a self-assured woman not a howling bit#h.
Research can be a daunting task, just ask any researcher. And, let’s be clear; taking one person’s ideas and claiming them as your very own is plagiarism. Period. Taking many people’s ideas, rearranging them, THEN claiming them as your very own is called research! OK. Anyway, while researching one of my favorite topics, relationships, I came across a book titled, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man”. I grabbed up said book at Barnes & Noble and stowed it in my carry-on savoring it for my girl’s only trip to México.
My girlfriend, Dr. Deanna Foster has a house in Puerto Vallarta (you can stay there too: www.suenotropical.com). If you are a frequent visitor and you also happen to be very cool, like my friend Peggy Peterson, you know and refer to it simply as PV. Sometimes, I am fortunate enough to get to travel to PV and hang out there for small sums of money. And, since I only have small sums…
This time we (meaning SHE) decided no men, just us. A great week of journaling (which I bet the men are pissed they missed out on), reflection, sun-bathing au natural, self-discovery (which has nothing to do with sun-bathing au natural…it’s not like that, its INNER self-discovery), exercise and shopping which is of course is a form of exercise!
The great thing about Casa Sueno Tropical #194, is Christina and Ana! When you arrive the doors are always open so the first thing you see upon your arrival is the spectacular view of the Pacific Ocean. Drop your bags at the door and head on out to the south veranda b/c they will have fresh guacamole, pico and homemade tostada chips waiting for you. And, when you are ready, (and you do need to “ready” yourself) Christina makes your fresh, homemade margarita! One, toooo, phree, I’m a goner!
Today I arrived early so I grabbed the research goods and headed off to the south veranda to do some “research”. I don’t think tequila and thinking/good motor skills go so well together…I hadn’t even opened the darn book …when I was spilling the phird margarita everywhere, even on the book itself. Ahh maaannn, now the pages are swelled up and smell like a tequila factory.
I should take a nap. Ahhh, I see a hammock. Big yawn.
And just to be clear, my other favorite subject is politics which is why my last several articles have been on that very topic. But alas, I was tiring of the subject and ready to get back to the sex talk. The reason I love the topic of relationships so much is b/c they are so hard to understand. We have a man and we have a woman and the two are supposed to but, never really do, unite in total freaking total bliss till the end of flipping time. Gimme a break! God must be a comedian. It’s got to be the original occupation. And He apparently became so enamored with His very own wit; He thought He should spread the good cheer. Oh joy! Some jokes you should just keep to yourself. Couldn’t He have come up with something less sadistic than trying to make a man and a woman live “happily” ever after? He IS God for Peter’s sake!
I’m a little drunken. And sleepy. I should pick this up again tomorri-oh. Nighty, night.
Day two of research project in México not going much better than day one. However, I did not; I repeat I did NOT have tequila for breakfast. Snicker. I had coffee. With tequila. Not really. Snicker.
At some point after margaritas and a siesta, my girlfriend and I were discussing our current and past relationship experiences (cuz that’s what we came for, might as well get it out of the way and head to Yelapa!) and we decided that not being totally 100% over the moon for a man is probably quite healthy. And attractive.
Does tequila really make your clothes fall off?
Seriously, think about the last time you were 100% over the moon for a man…that’s enough time. How did you behave? Did you howl when he didn’t call for 3 hours? Did you bark at him when he finally, after all those hours of making you wait, did call? Did your fangs show every time he looked at another woman or mentioned another woman’s name? Did your hind legs kick back and forth every time he showed you a little attention? Did you immediately roll over so he could rub your tummy? Did you slobber every time he showed up and opened a door for you? Did you lick him constantly just because he was there? Did you growl during sex? Did you attack him when he said you were too needy?
If you answered “no” to any of these questions then you’re a liar and you are not ready for a healthy relationship. Put down the paper and step away from the denial. When you are ready, come back to us and we can help you.
Anyhoo, Dr. Foster and I were discussing the past and present and decided we are much more attractive in our current state of “If he stays he stays. If he goes he goes”. Not that we wouldn’t be sad if he left, not that we don’t love them to pieces, not that we don’t really, really want to be with them; it’s just that we wouldn’t fall off the moon and need to be gorilla glued back together if they left.
And THAT ladies is how our men need us to be. They may not know or admit it, but that’s the way they want us as well. Because as soon as we jump over the said moon emotionally, we are no longer attractive; we are needy. And, most importantly, the challenge is gone. Yes, I said challenge. Men can tell you they are simple little creatures till the wolves quit howling at the moon, but they want a challenge. Never, ever forget it. It not their fault. It’s the testosterone. Build it up. Tear it down. They will build up a relationship up until the moment they know, beyond a moon’s shadow of a doubt they have you 100% and then they will set about tearing it down. It’s all a challenge.
Now, what they don’t need you challenging is their manhood, or their paychecks or their authority as man of the house but, they DO need a sparring life-partner. If you don’t have an edge, get one and don’t fall off of it. Be a self-assured woman not a howling bit#h.
Monday, March 2, 2009
"Good-Bye to You"!
Has everyone recovered from my broken heart? Did you at least get some laughs and tips from my pain? The experience was peppered with moments of down-right sobbing followed closely by moments of hysterical laughter. I probably was in dire need of meds. However, when I would sit down to write and just get it all out there, I’d most times begin in the midst of an ugly cry and end feeling victorious! My keyboard, my publisher, my editors and my confidantes are all angelic and served as the best medicine I could not afford. Plus, there was all that Big-A$$ Shiraz!
When panicked friends began calling, wondering if the cliff I wrote about was real or imagined and whether or not I was on the edge of it, I decided I needed to back off writing about my woes for awhile. Even Richard called and said he was sad that I had put his real name on the blog…R U kidding me? HE was sad??? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. And was looking to me for help??? And THAT folks is why we call ‘em Richard!
Truth be told, I’ve been doing rather well. All those articles that took several weeks to get in print took all of about two days to write! Great music, poetry, art, etc. sometimes comes from great tragedy; especially when over the top, drama queens are the ones in the midst of the tragedy!
Richard and I parted ways and as the old saying goes, when the devil slams one door shut in your face, God opens another…or something like that. So in the summer I met a nice man and, when I finally let go, completely let go all the way I SAW the nice man. Listen, when I say let go all the way I mean I deleted the emails, the txt msgs, the saved emails, the saved txt msgs, I deleted the email address, the phone numbers and I mailed the box of “stuff” - without going through it and saving a “piece of him”. Actually, I had one of my employees mail the box; no sense wasting good energy on a bad memory, snicker. And, most importantly, I quit saying to myself and all my friends “But he said” and I started paying attention to what he did. And what he did was wrong.
Basically, I took my own advice and advice from The Bit*h books and the many other books I read between bottles of BAS and therapy sessions with AC and Deb. At some point we HAVE to let go, for the sake of our friends/family. Laura, Jacqueline, Sue, Tina, my endless stream of customers who are friends and even the squirrels outside were life savers. But after several months of wallowing in self-pity, I was afraid they were going to have to start self-medicating! And that scared me b/c what if their drug of choice was BAS??? What if the supply ran low??? Crap. New game plan…Anyway, you can’t have your friends teetering on the edge when you are on the edge, there’s not enough room. The edge is thin. But, even people with the intestinal fortitude of the Hulk can only handle so much of YOUR pain! It can only be all about you for so long. Sorry. We must share the cliff.
Getting back on the proverbial horse after it’s pitched you over the cliff and slung you in the mud (I’m a self-proclaimed drama queen, just enjoy the craftiness) and dragged you through the forest is scary. I mean scary as in Jason is staring at you through the window that is not locked and YOU left your gun in the truck kind of scary. (If you’re old, Jason is the scary dude in all the Friday the 13th Halloween movies.) But I just reached in my grab bag and pulled out the book Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway.
Greg was the first casualty in my post-Richard dating experience. He was tall, good-looking and nice enough. He did bring the restaurant a Christmas tree. I was going to ignore Christmas. Poor customers. Greg also didn’t call to tell me he was going to be really late for one of our dates. He didn’t know I had a really low tolerance for Richards. I never answered anymore of his calls. And yes, he’s still calling. Poor Greg.
There were a few other men I spoke with a couple of times but there was only one man who seemed to ignore conversations with me dripping in sarcasm and bitterness. For some reason, known only to the romance gods, this man kept coming back to see me - weekend after weekend after weekend. He saw through the pain and anger. And one day, after he got to know me a little and was pretty sure I wasn’t really, all the way crazy, he asked me out on a real date. So there I was, just like that, on a real date with a really great man. I was taking the ends, bending the line, re-connecting the ends and starting all over.
There’s more to come about this man and the healing process. For now I’ll tell all of you in heart-break land that there is life after Richard or Sophia. And, that life is probably much better than the one that has you self-medicating. So, I’ve put down the Big A** Shiraz bottle and replaced it with a much better wine. I’ve put down the betrayal of Richard and replaced it with hope and love and a much better man, my forever man.
When panicked friends began calling, wondering if the cliff I wrote about was real or imagined and whether or not I was on the edge of it, I decided I needed to back off writing about my woes for awhile. Even Richard called and said he was sad that I had put his real name on the blog…R U kidding me? HE was sad??? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. And was looking to me for help??? And THAT folks is why we call ‘em Richard!
Truth be told, I’ve been doing rather well. All those articles that took several weeks to get in print took all of about two days to write! Great music, poetry, art, etc. sometimes comes from great tragedy; especially when over the top, drama queens are the ones in the midst of the tragedy!
Richard and I parted ways and as the old saying goes, when the devil slams one door shut in your face, God opens another…or something like that. So in the summer I met a nice man and, when I finally let go, completely let go all the way I SAW the nice man. Listen, when I say let go all the way I mean I deleted the emails, the txt msgs, the saved emails, the saved txt msgs, I deleted the email address, the phone numbers and I mailed the box of “stuff” - without going through it and saving a “piece of him”. Actually, I had one of my employees mail the box; no sense wasting good energy on a bad memory, snicker. And, most importantly, I quit saying to myself and all my friends “But he said” and I started paying attention to what he did. And what he did was wrong.
Basically, I took my own advice and advice from The Bit*h books and the many other books I read between bottles of BAS and therapy sessions with AC and Deb. At some point we HAVE to let go, for the sake of our friends/family. Laura, Jacqueline, Sue, Tina, my endless stream of customers who are friends and even the squirrels outside were life savers. But after several months of wallowing in self-pity, I was afraid they were going to have to start self-medicating! And that scared me b/c what if their drug of choice was BAS??? What if the supply ran low??? Crap. New game plan…Anyway, you can’t have your friends teetering on the edge when you are on the edge, there’s not enough room. The edge is thin. But, even people with the intestinal fortitude of the Hulk can only handle so much of YOUR pain! It can only be all about you for so long. Sorry. We must share the cliff.
Getting back on the proverbial horse after it’s pitched you over the cliff and slung you in the mud (I’m a self-proclaimed drama queen, just enjoy the craftiness) and dragged you through the forest is scary. I mean scary as in Jason is staring at you through the window that is not locked and YOU left your gun in the truck kind of scary. (If you’re old, Jason is the scary dude in all the Friday the 13th Halloween movies.) But I just reached in my grab bag and pulled out the book Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway.
Greg was the first casualty in my post-Richard dating experience. He was tall, good-looking and nice enough. He did bring the restaurant a Christmas tree. I was going to ignore Christmas. Poor customers. Greg also didn’t call to tell me he was going to be really late for one of our dates. He didn’t know I had a really low tolerance for Richards. I never answered anymore of his calls. And yes, he’s still calling. Poor Greg.
There were a few other men I spoke with a couple of times but there was only one man who seemed to ignore conversations with me dripping in sarcasm and bitterness. For some reason, known only to the romance gods, this man kept coming back to see me - weekend after weekend after weekend. He saw through the pain and anger. And one day, after he got to know me a little and was pretty sure I wasn’t really, all the way crazy, he asked me out on a real date. So there I was, just like that, on a real date with a really great man. I was taking the ends, bending the line, re-connecting the ends and starting all over.
There’s more to come about this man and the healing process. For now I’ll tell all of you in heart-break land that there is life after Richard or Sophia. And, that life is probably much better than the one that has you self-medicating. So, I’ve put down the Big A** Shiraz bottle and replaced it with a much better wine. I’ve put down the betrayal of Richard and replaced it with hope and love and a much better man, my forever man.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Cinderella. Meet Richard. We call him Dick for short.
Sex in the Woods
by Crystal Laramore
Cinderella. Meet Richard. We call him Dick for short.
Unfortunately for me it’s been a rainy week. Unfortunate b/c I think about him. And the other night while it was raining and I was watching mindless television and reading bitch books and drunk and divorced books, I glanced at the television. In the upper right hand corner was the weather report for Colorado. Severe Thunderstorm Warning!!!! Are you kidding me God? Why am I gPostingetting Colorado’s weather report? I have NEVER seen Colorado’s weather report on my local stations. Was God just trying tickle his funny bone, yet again, at my expense, by letting me know it was storming where he is too? NOT funny God. Seriously, NOT funny. Just then Tim Heller, our weatherman, said something about San Jacinto County and Colorado County. Really? I didn’t even know there WAS a Colorado County near me. Sorry God. My bad.
Meanwhile back on the boob tube…Brittany Spears was doing a very sexy dance with a silver, metal chair. Now, Brittany Spears had a catastrophic meltdown of ginormous proportions and look at her now! Its ok it won’t be difficult. She’s hot! Brittany obviously poured herself into, well herself! Her attitude isn’t the only thing that got a work out. Her body and her career are back on top. While I was watching her new video I wondered why I chose Big Ass Shiraz over intense hour and a half workouts with a hot Latin trainer: look out Bally’s Fitness Center, here I come! At least I haven’t shaved my head. Hell, I barely shave my legs!
Drinking isn’t the only therapy getting me through the nights. Writing has always helped me cope. And, I’ve been so busy drinking and writing I haven’t been able to workout. That’s my story and…
The next bit of comedic relief on the boob tube came in the form of a retail commercial. Jane Seymour was peddling her new jewelry collection, which only reminded me that Christmas is around the corner, then New Year’s Eve, then Valentine’s Day. Will I spend the holidays with him or without him? And speaking of the New Year, his birthday card to me said “I pray that I can be counted as one of your blessings in 2008…” Well Scooter, I guess that all depends what your definition of blessing is. Is it the same as curse, betrayal? Oh Jane-shut up…“It’s the Open Hearts Collection @ Kay Jewelers, b/c your heart has to be open to receive love”. Now Jane, that is simply NOT true. MY heart is OPEN and how’s that working out for me? What now Jane? Got a piece of jewelry for a jagged heart? Maybe with a black onyx in the center?
Because black symbolizes empty, right? And I’m realizing the words were just empty promises. Now, the waiting is turning into completely letting go (me letting go)…all the way; he’s crossing the invisible line. The silence chips away at my belief in his sincerity and my trust in his integrity; words not matching up with action and all. Love is a verb y'all. And, when the respect goes, it all goes. Just a little nugget of insight for ya…
Speaking of nuggets and gems, one night Richard sent me a txt message “Sweet dreams. I’ll be the one on the white horse sweeping you away”. My girlfriend sent me a text message the other day saying, “I think you should just wait around on him, maybe he’ll show up on a white steed and sweep you off your feet; like Cinderella. Or was that Snow White? I get the fairy tales confused”.
I concur. I’m getting it all confused too. I think I have a new fairy tale…pre-historic man gets confused between sweeping the damsel off her feet and galloping to the meadow to make wild passionate love to her OR stabbing her in the heart with a serrated edged hunting knife. True love vs. Make Believe. Make believe – 1. True love – 0. But at least I’m not bitter.
Oh now, it’s not as bad as I make it sound (it’s worse, not really. Yes it is. Who can tell anymore?) but it does make for good writing. We’re tying to give David E. Kelley a new sitcom since Boston Legal is in its last season. David will be bored and needs a new project. We’re also trying to find a place in one of the articles for Toby Keith’s song “How do you like me now?”
by Crystal Laramore
Cinderella. Meet Richard. We call him Dick for short.
Unfortunately for me it’s been a rainy week. Unfortunate b/c I think about him. And the other night while it was raining and I was watching mindless television and reading bitch books and drunk and divorced books, I glanced at the television. In the upper right hand corner was the weather report for Colorado. Severe Thunderstorm Warning!!!! Are you kidding me God? Why am I gPostingetting Colorado’s weather report? I have NEVER seen Colorado’s weather report on my local stations. Was God just trying tickle his funny bone, yet again, at my expense, by letting me know it was storming where he is too? NOT funny God. Seriously, NOT funny. Just then Tim Heller, our weatherman, said something about San Jacinto County and Colorado County. Really? I didn’t even know there WAS a Colorado County near me. Sorry God. My bad.
Meanwhile back on the boob tube…Brittany Spears was doing a very sexy dance with a silver, metal chair. Now, Brittany Spears had a catastrophic meltdown of ginormous proportions and look at her now! Its ok it won’t be difficult. She’s hot! Brittany obviously poured herself into, well herself! Her attitude isn’t the only thing that got a work out. Her body and her career are back on top. While I was watching her new video I wondered why I chose Big Ass Shiraz over intense hour and a half workouts with a hot Latin trainer: look out Bally’s Fitness Center, here I come! At least I haven’t shaved my head. Hell, I barely shave my legs!
Drinking isn’t the only therapy getting me through the nights. Writing has always helped me cope. And, I’ve been so busy drinking and writing I haven’t been able to workout. That’s my story and…
The next bit of comedic relief on the boob tube came in the form of a retail commercial. Jane Seymour was peddling her new jewelry collection, which only reminded me that Christmas is around the corner, then New Year’s Eve, then Valentine’s Day. Will I spend the holidays with him or without him? And speaking of the New Year, his birthday card to me said “I pray that I can be counted as one of your blessings in 2008…” Well Scooter, I guess that all depends what your definition of blessing is. Is it the same as curse, betrayal? Oh Jane-shut up…“It’s the Open Hearts Collection @ Kay Jewelers, b/c your heart has to be open to receive love”. Now Jane, that is simply NOT true. MY heart is OPEN and how’s that working out for me? What now Jane? Got a piece of jewelry for a jagged heart? Maybe with a black onyx in the center?
Because black symbolizes empty, right? And I’m realizing the words were just empty promises. Now, the waiting is turning into completely letting go (me letting go)…all the way; he’s crossing the invisible line. The silence chips away at my belief in his sincerity and my trust in his integrity; words not matching up with action and all. Love is a verb y'all. And, when the respect goes, it all goes. Just a little nugget of insight for ya…
Speaking of nuggets and gems, one night Richard sent me a txt message “Sweet dreams. I’ll be the one on the white horse sweeping you away”. My girlfriend sent me a text message the other day saying, “I think you should just wait around on him, maybe he’ll show up on a white steed and sweep you off your feet; like Cinderella. Or was that Snow White? I get the fairy tales confused”.
I concur. I’m getting it all confused too. I think I have a new fairy tale…pre-historic man gets confused between sweeping the damsel off her feet and galloping to the meadow to make wild passionate love to her OR stabbing her in the heart with a serrated edged hunting knife. True love vs. Make Believe. Make believe – 1. True love – 0. But at least I’m not bitter.
Oh now, it’s not as bad as I make it sound (it’s worse, not really. Yes it is. Who can tell anymore?) but it does make for good writing. We’re tying to give David E. Kelley a new sitcom since Boston Legal is in its last season. David will be bored and needs a new project. We’re also trying to find a place in one of the articles for Toby Keith’s song “How do you like me now?”
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