Written 23 June 2010


Apparently there's this new pill on the market for women going through men.oh.pause. Finally, a sign that men are suffering too. Oh, come on, YOU KNOW a man invented the pill. Some poor woman is out there in the universe suffering and her husband happens to be a chemist/rocket scientist and one night in a pool of sweat she awoke him (I'm not sayin' how) and lovingly said "WHY DON'T YOU INVENT SOMETHING, ANYTHING TO FIX MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE? NOOOOWWWWWWW. And don't eeeeveeen THINK about coming back to THIS bed until you have a cure for the resident evil in my body!"
So off to the lab he went. And stayed. And toiled. And viola! The fix is in! Now what I want to know is why does the pill help with our sex lives? Was that his "Oh, I'll cure you all right" aha moment in the middle of mixing and measuring? Do THEY take it too? I'm still unclear. By the way, whoever is doing the polling, cuz I know it's not Scott Rasmussen, on how many times a week couples, well you know, couple, instead of asking how many times a week do you color, they need to ask how many times a year do you color; the numbers would be higher, men would feel more confident and it'd be a lot less embarrassing (at my house).
Meanwhile back at the lab, Richard was on a roll. He fixed the sex now he just had to work on her black heart and her wicked soul. While he was toiling away he recalled other wicked women of history:
Thais, an Athenian, is said to have wanted to avenge the Persians' burning of Athens in 480 BC. She later married Alexander's general, Ptolemy, and had three children by him. The burning of Persepolis was a senseless act, one that Alexander's advisors cautioned him against but one that made her feel better therefore giving poor Alexander some relief.
Jezebel not only introduced idol worship into Israel, she got her husband to worship them along with her. She also killed Jewish priests and replaced them with priests of Baal. When her husband wanted to get his hands on a vineyard owned by one of his subjects, she counseled him to accuse the owner of blasphemy and have him stoned to death. HE should have invented this pill. After her husband's death, the new King, Jehu, ordered her thrown to her death from a high tower. As the Prophet Elijah had predicted, dogs ate all of her body except her skull, feet and hands.
In about 1479 BC, this Egyptian queen, the widow of Pharaoh Tuthmosis II, became regent for her infant stepson, Tuthmosis III. Six years later she usurped his throne and had herself declared Pharaoh. She also engaged in a scandalous affair with a commoner named Senemut. She didn't need the pill. Yes, Hatshepsut is sometimes touted by feminists as the "first great woman in history," There is really very little to admire about this woman. So say all the men. She did build some magnificent monuments and extended Egypt's trade routes but she also allowed Egypt's military power to decline. When Thutmosis became king he had her monuments systematically destroyed. This could be attributed to his personal animosity, but no future ruler ever acknowledged her reign to be legitimate and she is not included in any of the ancient "King lists." Jealous bas*^$#s. One thing that is certain is that Thutmosis III was a much more important and successful ruler than she was. Whatever.

The wife of the Emperor Claudius is remembered as one o f the wickedest women in the history of the roman Empire - quite a distinction! She was also the mother of Claudius' son, Brittanicus. She was executed in 48 AD. Her first name was Valeria. Despite Valeria Messalina's aristocratic background she was NO lady. Her affairs were innumerable. During Claudius' absence from Rome she actually went through a marriage ceremony with one of her lovers, Caius Silius and plotted to kill Claudius and place him on the Imperial throne. The plot was foiled and Messalina was executed. Now THIS is the woman who should be the face of feminism! Somebody gave HER a pill...
Religious Menopausal Women: Born in 1480, this notorious poisoner was the daughter of Pope Alexander VI. She was rumored to have had unnatural relations with both her father and her brother, Ceasar. Both her second husband, Alfonso of Aragon and her lover Ercole Strozzi, were violently murdered. Some historians have tried to reform Lucerezia's image, insisting that 1) she didn't kill anyone and 2) even if she did her brother and father made her do it. I blame it on men. oh. puase. Anyway, a lot of peple who dined with her died shortly thereafter. Hmmmm. she is said to have worn a ring with a secret compartment containing poison; some fashions should never go away.
We'll rap up men.oh.pausal. women with Queen Mary I. She got her jollies by burning Protestants at the stake (over 200). She was also prepared to turn her kingdom over to the Spanish. She was the most awful daughter of Henry VIII (who was also really awful) and Katherine of Aragon (who first bed Henry's brother but he died so she pretended she was a virgin so she could still live a life of royalty and luxury). She was known as Bloody Mary and for good reason. She was also neurotic and quite possibly insane. Hey, I resemble that remark! Anyway I say she was just men.oh.pausal and historians need to give her a break.
But I digress. Richard's trip down history lane apparently incited him to make the most wonderful drug for men.oh.pausal women. It claims to cure mood swings, MAN.iacal thoughts of murder, thoughts of wild sx with anyone other than your husband, (except for maybe Roberto-see Bachelorette article) thoughts of overtaking world leaders and governments, night sweats, loud noises in your sleep and best of all it claims to give us all a sex drive. It still boggles my mind that a man would come on the radio to talk to MEN.OH.PAUSE.AL, half crazed, out of our minds with hormonal imbalance, women and the first thing out of his mouth is that he's going to make us wan to...I wonder if he's still breathing..I'm just sayin'