By Crystal Laramore
Edited by Deborah Martin
Hope you guys had a great Thanksgiving holiday. I had the week off! And I was thankful. This year I have a lot to be thankful for. I am especially thankful I have a wonderful new family. And I’m most thankful they haven’t left me yet! It’s been an adjustment for me more so than them but they are both patient. My husband is 52. Sometimes he’s not really patient, he’s just tired but the end result is the same-I vent and he sits in the recliner watching HD football and pretends to listen/care. The 6 year old is patient cuz she has to be. I’m mainly in charge of her food, clothing and shelter and “puppy time”.
My husband came complete with two grown children, a daughter-in law, two grandsons and a 6 year old precious little girl that lives with us. And however precious she is, she IS SIX. She has made me laugh, cry and sing with joy. I fell in love with her father first, but I am falling in love with her more and more every day. My heart sometimes skips beats when she hugs me and tells me she loves me. And somewhere in the middle of all the chaos and adjustments-we’ve become a family. And this new family has given me a whole different perspective in life and a whole new direction in writing. I could write all day about politics and relationships but for now you will have to endure some “kid” stories. Lord knows I’ve endured enough of them over the years!
Last week's article received a lot of attention for which I was quite surprised! Women from around the country responded with such encouraging words! “Girl, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet! Just wait till she’s 13! Oh honey, it doesn’t get easier. It gets harder. Good luck. May the force be with you. Wait till she starts driving! Wait till she starts liking boys. You may be new to this but it’s the same with all moms! And my editor/former friend said I’m SOOOOOOOO glad my kids are grown!”
Mostly, I consider myself a worldly, empowered, intelligent woman with a wide range of ways to express myself. I just cried; and wrote some more - to free myself of the sinful thoughts in my heart. Amen.
One of my friends, Sophie, just called me to share one of her experiences raising a child for the first time-yeah, she’s old too! Sophie and her husband adopted an 8 year-old 5 years ago. Yes, 8+5 = 13. She survives through visualization and meditation.
Sophie considers herself a highly intelligent, well-rounded individual. She has a demanding, high-paying job. She calls on the best of the best in her industry. She is consistently wheeling, dealing, dining and drinking (H2O that is)…
So how can such an accomplished woman send her child off to school without lunch money? How can such a capable woman bring her child to the brink of dirty hallway "Coke & Cheetos" deals?
Just the other day she took her child to buy a pair of Fat Baby’s. Right! I had no idea either. Apparently they are all the craze in the child-fashion-apparel-boot dept. There they were! The cammo Fat Baby boots! Too bad they were 2 sizes too big. OR not too bad after all! Seems the child doesn’t CARE if they don’t fit. “I WANT THE BOOTS!" Okay, Okay, Okay….get the damn boots!
Then said child decided she wanted to wear them to a funeral. Mom said no (as well she should have). Seems the child doesn’t CARE if you shouldn’t wear cammo boots to a funeral. “I WANT TO WEAR MY BOOTS.” Okay, Okay, Okay….wear the damn boots.
As soon as they walked into the funeral home some red-neck said “Hey, I like your boots”. And mom got the head-spasm-eyes rolled in the back of the head-I told you so look. We are all sure he was being sarcastic but she’s 13-YOU explain to her…
Speaking of fashion statements, I decided to let our child discover her own form of fashion. So when she shows up with a pink print skirt and a solid orange shirt with monkeys on it-don’t judge me. The cream colored turtleneck and the white cotton skirt-that one you never had to see. Some fashion faux paus are even too devastating for ME to witness much less make my friends (while I still have them) at school suffer through them.
Sometimes her dad comes into her bedroom (after I’ve drunk 2 cups of coffee, wash/dried/folded/put away 2 loads of laundry, fed child a popsicle stick for breakfast-WHAT? Sophie said they’re made with REAL fruit juice from concentrate, fed puppies, painstakingly watched Shaggy and Scooby solve yet another unsolvable mystery, helped child brush teeth, done homework if we forgot the night b4, packed backpack and gotten her dressed) and says “WHY is she wearing THAT”? And I say “Because you were taking a long, hot shower” with the head-spasm-eyes rolled in the back of my head-I told you not to leave us alone look. Any MORE intelligent questions?
Why JUST last Friday I sent her to school wearing her pretty pink skirt, matching top (HUGE step) and pretty high-gloss-glittery-pink shoes. Two outta three ain’t bad! Ain’t bad at all. I did have to do a pre-emptive strike and forewarn her father “Don’t say a word. Just tell her she looks pretty”. Of course this weird behavior from her conservative father confused the child and she immediately pointed out the shoes “But, look at my SHOES Daddy...” He never waivered. My husband-the pillar of strength in the face of hig-shine-pink-glitter-shoes adversity. He just stayed on track and repeated “I see them. You.Look.Pretty.” Confused but happy, she thanked him and skipped out of our bedroom with the help of her magic shoes!
I asked my friends if that was considered bad parenting and one of them replied “No. She can just click her heels twice and say…
‘There’s no place like Neieman ’s!’”
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Soft Porn
by Crystal Laramore
Yesterday was a first for me. I had a small role in a soft porn film.
Casting calls started at 8 am so they wanted everyone there early to fill out the paperwork/waivers. Plus, aren’t we ALL thinner in the morning! They had a questionnaire as well. Some strange questions - probably more for those women who have never starred in a soft porn film before. The nature of the questions sort of gets you prepared for how the set will appear and exactly what will be expected of you and how many people will be in each scene with you.
Example of questions:
Do you touch your breasts often?
Do you touch one breast more than the other?
Does anyone else touch your breast (hopin, and wishin and prayin)
Anyway, they called MY name! Yeah! I followed the young girl with the clipboard (full of previous pictures of me, I’m sure!) into the room.
The Director, Charity (those names they pick!), came in to gloss over my paperwork and black & white pics and ask me a few pertinent questions: “Are you of age? Have you ever done this sort of thing before? Are you nervous?”
Finally, she sent me to the dressing room and gave me my first costume change. Of course it was a long dress that opened in the front with only a thread of a closure.
When I came out I noticed she had dimmed the lights just so and I must say it did ease my fears a bit. Religious girl (long hair, skirt, no make-up; just seems to make porn films better if you have a librarian or teacher or … as a supporting character) then stated “I have nipple warmers for you” to which I exclaimed “NIPPLE WARMERS”? Won’t that hurt? Ice on my nipples-maybe, but flames? No-thanks! She clarified “Nipple Markers”. Hmmmmm.
Religious girl placed the “Markers” on my nipples herself which startled me - a little. She took notice of my anxiety and just rubbed my shoulder and promised me everything would be ok. The “Markers” have cute silver studs right in the middle. I was confused however b/c mine didn’t have any fringe…
Next, she slipped her hand inside my gown and cupped one of my breast and placed it in the mouth of the hungry monster. The monster was still and seemed like a harmless, ugly, steel, Jurasik Park left-over prop.
Anyhoo, she guided me and told me to “Drop your left shoulder, push it back, there, that’s it. Now pivot your body just so, there, that’s it. Now relax your right shoulder. Great. You’re doing great! Just then the hungry monster with one eye slammed his mouth shut, I screamed “Holy Shit”! and she ran off to start filming!
Bitch.
When I left I noticed they had cleverly posted a sign on the casting office door that read “Mammogram”.
Yesterday was a first for me. I had a small role in a soft porn film.
Casting calls started at 8 am so they wanted everyone there early to fill out the paperwork/waivers. Plus, aren’t we ALL thinner in the morning! They had a questionnaire as well. Some strange questions - probably more for those women who have never starred in a soft porn film before. The nature of the questions sort of gets you prepared for how the set will appear and exactly what will be expected of you and how many people will be in each scene with you.
Example of questions:
Do you touch your breasts often?
Do you touch one breast more than the other?
Does anyone else touch your breast (hopin, and wishin and prayin)
Anyway, they called MY name! Yeah! I followed the young girl with the clipboard (full of previous pictures of me, I’m sure!) into the room.
The Director, Charity (those names they pick!), came in to gloss over my paperwork and black & white pics and ask me a few pertinent questions: “Are you of age? Have you ever done this sort of thing before? Are you nervous?”
Finally, she sent me to the dressing room and gave me my first costume change. Of course it was a long dress that opened in the front with only a thread of a closure.
When I came out I noticed she had dimmed the lights just so and I must say it did ease my fears a bit. Religious girl (long hair, skirt, no make-up; just seems to make porn films better if you have a librarian or teacher or … as a supporting character) then stated “I have nipple warmers for you” to which I exclaimed “NIPPLE WARMERS”? Won’t that hurt? Ice on my nipples-maybe, but flames? No-thanks! She clarified “Nipple Markers”. Hmmmmm.
Religious girl placed the “Markers” on my nipples herself which startled me - a little. She took notice of my anxiety and just rubbed my shoulder and promised me everything would be ok. The “Markers” have cute silver studs right in the middle. I was confused however b/c mine didn’t have any fringe…
Next, she slipped her hand inside my gown and cupped one of my breast and placed it in the mouth of the hungry monster. The monster was still and seemed like a harmless, ugly, steel, Jurasik Park left-over prop.
Anyhoo, she guided me and told me to “Drop your left shoulder, push it back, there, that’s it. Now pivot your body just so, there, that’s it. Now relax your right shoulder. Great. You’re doing great! Just then the hungry monster with one eye slammed his mouth shut, I screamed “Holy Shit”! and she ran off to start filming!
Bitch.
When I left I noticed they had cleverly posted a sign on the casting office door that read “Mammogram”.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
"Mommy"! Who said that?
By Crystal Laramore
Edited by Deborah K. Martin
This whole "Bam! you’re the proud new mother of a 6 year old at the age of 45" is taking it’s toll on me and my friends and the school system and last but not least the poor, poor 6 year-old. My husband seems to be taking it well; which should give us all reason to pause…
Does it mean you’re a bad parent if you drop your child off at school on a teacher In-Service day? What about if you get really mad at the “system” cuz the school called you last-minute to tell you that you have 70 lbs of cookie dough to pick up by 7 pm-“That’s it? No notice? No reminder?” and you’re in a business meeting in Houston; then you find the notice/reminder a few days later under your car seat with peanut butter on it? "Honey, can you cancel that appt. we had with LaTonya Goffney on Tuesday?"
How about if you send your child off to school with crooked pig tails? Socks that don’t match? Scratches under her eyes from the puppies-no, I swear!
Isn’t it great that children are resilient and bounce back from most things we do to screw them up as a child??? Maybe that’s why God makes our memory so crappy before the age of about 10. God knows.
Seriously, it’s a good thing that I KNOW the teachers and the administration at my stepdaughter's school. At least they know I don’t MEAN to be a horrible parent. At least they are willing to teach me that I have to help her with her homework when she first comes in from school while it’s still fresh in her mind and she has energy & an attention span farther than 22 seconds or until she hears the puppies barking; not at 6:55 in the morning right before we rush her to get ready and rush her out the door with crooked pig tails to have breakfast at school cuz we’re too crazed to make her breakfast soooo early in the morning and oh! Great Scott! Thank the good Lord they make it at school!
We do allow her to have coffee with us though. What?
Oh good gosh not really, we give her chocolate milk. I swear! Everyone knows sugar is totally better for a child than caffeine"??!!
And about the whole helping her with her homework thing Mrs. Rouswald, we didn't even know she HAD homework for several weeks. We thought kindergartners finger-painted. We didn't realize they were beginning to READ at that age! It's been such a long time since we were in grade K we forgot how to spell it. So, if our child is ever failing, please inform us because it's probably OUR fault! She’s probably told us to do something and we’ve ignored the silly 6 year old.
Like the first 3 times she brought home the copy of the lunch menu for the month I threw it away b/c it wasn’t pretty enough to go on the fridge - like the 6 year old said it should. Well, the 6 year old should have told the 45 year old it had the in-service days on it and the ice cream and slushy days on it and when the cookie dough will be in day marked, and when award day is-we missed award day! But nooooo, we’ve taught her to not argue with our authority. Tsk. We were soooo surprised when she came home with an award. I thought the “Food” calendar just had who was eating what & when on it. New parents don’t realize the global importance of the monthly food menu! To NOT look at one is to NOT want your child to succeed!
Look people, before I met/married my wonderful husband I was a night owl. I stayed up till 2 or 3 am and woke up around 10 or 11 am. I read period pieces, not "I said I see Sam". I may or may not get dressed for work during the week cuz no one can see me doing computer work. I lived on-site and only had to walk 10 paces to work. Now, I’m up between 5:30 & 6:00 and have made and drank 2 cups of coffee by 6:30. By 7:15 I have a lot of chores finished including getting a 6 year old ready for school (did she brush her teeth this morning?) and a 45 year-old (me) ready for work. Each takes the same amount of energy. The 52 year old can, by the grace of God, get himself ready. By the time I get to work, which is 7 miles away now and I do indeed drive, I need a nap. I'm exhausted!
And is it so bad that we get Spirit day and the other day (see, I don’t even know the names of all the days) mixed up? Wednesdays we know its green t-shirt day and Friday is red-t-shirt day and most of the time we get THAT right; isn’t that enough? And I think the school system has dealt with parents like us before and that is why they pick our child’s clothes 2 days out of the week FOR US!
Speaking of colors, why didn't someone tell me a blue smiley face was worse than a green one? I thought a smiley face was universally good and all the different colors were pretty.
Here's another thing - why does a 6 year old get “projects” WE have to do??? Don’t WE pay THEM to teach our child? Our child’s parents are old. WE don’t have energy or an attention span after 4:30 pm either. It takes all the energy my husband has to turn off the football game every Monday night.
And if bed-time is 8:30 and the Wizard of Oz doesn't come on until 7:00 and Dorothy hasn’t clicked her freaking heels yet-what then???? Shouldn’t Disney have a policy about what time kids’ shows start? We could barely get her out of bed this morning and she was mad at US! Like we own Disney or something…wait, are they publicly traded?
Sophie’s story: It's not a "good parent" story; it's a "good child" story. Sometimes these things DO happen. It'll give you hope. When her baby boy was about 10 (btw, he teaches pre-calculus and statistics in high school now so that should give you some clue as to how many cheery brain cells HE has), she and her husband were at a gathering of parents in the home of one of his classmates. The classmate in question wandered through the living room and his dad said something like, "Johnny, don't take too long. You know you've got to finish that big project. It's due tomorrow!"
Sophia and her then husband looked at each other & said “What project”? Their over-achieving child looked quizzically at them and said, "Oh yeah. I turned that in days ago." And so went HIS school years. We should all be so lucky as to get a kid like that. Miracles DO happen in the parenting world.
In the mean-time, this parent will try to remember (after 3 mos of school) to give her child a dollar on Wednesdays and Fridays for a slushy and/or ice cream and be grateful that she has better manners than Kanye and doesn't interrupt when someone is getting an award, even if her parents aren’t there!
p.s. I just found out that slushy day is Tuesday...NOT Wednesday…
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www.sexinthewoods.blogspot.com
Become a follower!
Edited by Deborah K. Martin
This whole "Bam! you’re the proud new mother of a 6 year old at the age of 45" is taking it’s toll on me and my friends and the school system and last but not least the poor, poor 6 year-old. My husband seems to be taking it well; which should give us all reason to pause…
Does it mean you’re a bad parent if you drop your child off at school on a teacher In-Service day? What about if you get really mad at the “system” cuz the school called you last-minute to tell you that you have 70 lbs of cookie dough to pick up by 7 pm-“That’s it? No notice? No reminder?” and you’re in a business meeting in Houston; then you find the notice/reminder a few days later under your car seat with peanut butter on it? "Honey, can you cancel that appt. we had with LaTonya Goffney on Tuesday?"
How about if you send your child off to school with crooked pig tails? Socks that don’t match? Scratches under her eyes from the puppies-no, I swear!
Isn’t it great that children are resilient and bounce back from most things we do to screw them up as a child??? Maybe that’s why God makes our memory so crappy before the age of about 10. God knows.
Seriously, it’s a good thing that I KNOW the teachers and the administration at my stepdaughter's school. At least they know I don’t MEAN to be a horrible parent. At least they are willing to teach me that I have to help her with her homework when she first comes in from school while it’s still fresh in her mind and she has energy & an attention span farther than 22 seconds or until she hears the puppies barking; not at 6:55 in the morning right before we rush her to get ready and rush her out the door with crooked pig tails to have breakfast at school cuz we’re too crazed to make her breakfast soooo early in the morning and oh! Great Scott! Thank the good Lord they make it at school!
We do allow her to have coffee with us though. What?
Oh good gosh not really, we give her chocolate milk. I swear! Everyone knows sugar is totally better for a child than caffeine"??!!
And about the whole helping her with her homework thing Mrs. Rouswald, we didn't even know she HAD homework for several weeks. We thought kindergartners finger-painted. We didn't realize they were beginning to READ at that age! It's been such a long time since we were in grade K we forgot how to spell it. So, if our child is ever failing, please inform us because it's probably OUR fault! She’s probably told us to do something and we’ve ignored the silly 6 year old.
Like the first 3 times she brought home the copy of the lunch menu for the month I threw it away b/c it wasn’t pretty enough to go on the fridge - like the 6 year old said it should. Well, the 6 year old should have told the 45 year old it had the in-service days on it and the ice cream and slushy days on it and when the cookie dough will be in day marked, and when award day is-we missed award day! But nooooo, we’ve taught her to not argue with our authority. Tsk. We were soooo surprised when she came home with an award. I thought the “Food” calendar just had who was eating what & when on it. New parents don’t realize the global importance of the monthly food menu! To NOT look at one is to NOT want your child to succeed!
Look people, before I met/married my wonderful husband I was a night owl. I stayed up till 2 or 3 am and woke up around 10 or 11 am. I read period pieces, not "I said I see Sam". I may or may not get dressed for work during the week cuz no one can see me doing computer work. I lived on-site and only had to walk 10 paces to work. Now, I’m up between 5:30 & 6:00 and have made and drank 2 cups of coffee by 6:30. By 7:15 I have a lot of chores finished including getting a 6 year old ready for school (did she brush her teeth this morning?) and a 45 year-old (me) ready for work. Each takes the same amount of energy. The 52 year old can, by the grace of God, get himself ready. By the time I get to work, which is 7 miles away now and I do indeed drive, I need a nap. I'm exhausted!
And is it so bad that we get Spirit day and the other day (see, I don’t even know the names of all the days) mixed up? Wednesdays we know its green t-shirt day and Friday is red-t-shirt day and most of the time we get THAT right; isn’t that enough? And I think the school system has dealt with parents like us before and that is why they pick our child’s clothes 2 days out of the week FOR US!
Speaking of colors, why didn't someone tell me a blue smiley face was worse than a green one? I thought a smiley face was universally good and all the different colors were pretty.
Here's another thing - why does a 6 year old get “projects” WE have to do??? Don’t WE pay THEM to teach our child? Our child’s parents are old. WE don’t have energy or an attention span after 4:30 pm either. It takes all the energy my husband has to turn off the football game every Monday night.
And if bed-time is 8:30 and the Wizard of Oz doesn't come on until 7:00 and Dorothy hasn’t clicked her freaking heels yet-what then???? Shouldn’t Disney have a policy about what time kids’ shows start? We could barely get her out of bed this morning and she was mad at US! Like we own Disney or something…wait, are they publicly traded?
Sophie’s story: It's not a "good parent" story; it's a "good child" story. Sometimes these things DO happen. It'll give you hope. When her baby boy was about 10 (btw, he teaches pre-calculus and statistics in high school now so that should give you some clue as to how many cheery brain cells HE has), she and her husband were at a gathering of parents in the home of one of his classmates. The classmate in question wandered through the living room and his dad said something like, "Johnny, don't take too long. You know you've got to finish that big project. It's due tomorrow!"
Sophia and her then husband looked at each other & said “What project”? Their over-achieving child looked quizzically at them and said, "Oh yeah. I turned that in days ago." And so went HIS school years. We should all be so lucky as to get a kid like that. Miracles DO happen in the parenting world.
In the mean-time, this parent will try to remember (after 3 mos of school) to give her child a dollar on Wednesdays and Fridays for a slushy and/or ice cream and be grateful that she has better manners than Kanye and doesn't interrupt when someone is getting an award, even if her parents aren’t there!
p.s. I just found out that slushy day is Tuesday...NOT Wednesday…
www.thedamgoodtimes.blogspot.com
www.sexinthewoods.blogspot.com
Become a follower!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Change We Can ALL Believe In
by Crystal Laramore Lutz
Edited by Deborah K. Martin
As you all know I’ve been out of commission for a couple of weeks with the very competent Deborah K. Martin filling in for me as I avoid getting older.
Yes, I’m approaching my 45th birthday. I know, I KNOW, I don’t LOOK 45, but as my plastic surgeon says, “How old you are is your business; how old you LOOK is ours". Anyway, I've had a lot more than usual random thoughts roaming round in my head lately.
Just the other day we were all sitting at the new and improved Crystal’s Patio & Grille’s new bar watching the 52” LCD HD while Fox News (is there any other?) informed the world about some pirates who had kidnapped a couple and were holding them for ransom! Pirates?! Really? They’re back?
Well, yes they are back but unlike the bell-bottomed, corduroyed scoundrels we all knew and loved, these pirates have changed and not in a good way. Gone are the dreadlocks and man-liner along with eye patches, sheathed swords, three point hats, fancy belts with HUGE buckles and hairy chests. Pardon me, but I’d be less offended about the whole “the pirates are back” thing if we could just have our swashbucklers back instead of these metro-sexual, plain clothed pirate wannabe’s. And really, you’re not supposed to kidnap people – that’s a sin against the pirate rules. You are supposed to hunt down the treasure yourself and steal it from the first people who found it! Not only are the new pirates inadequate, unsexy and unappealing but they are impostors!
Come to think of it, we miss the real pirates so much the theme of this year’s Halloween party at the restaurant was pirates, wenches and gypsies. My husband was the Johnny Depp, swashbuckling kind of pirate and I was a gypsy. No fair asking how long the costumes stayed on but we DID have that extra hour Saturday night!
Speaking of Halloween, it was a full moon all weekend and I felt like I was in an “Eastwick” episode most of the time. Change was in the hair, ahem air – bwah hahaha!! It all started on Friday night when an enchanting young (-er than most of us) couple came into the restaurant for the first time. They were from Arizona, land of dry air, great hair and pretty people.
Speaking of great hair, all the charm seemed to be coming from the woman’s long black hair which I decided I just MUST have! Black hair that is, not HER hair…anyway, my hairdresser and FORMER friend (snicker) Kay Lynn was sitting at the bar and she concurred about me doing the whole black hair thing. Then Leah McCarty and Paula Harper followed suit; and did I mention it was a full moon and I was surrounded by...??? So the witches of Coldspring danced across the street under a full moon, protected by a cloud of pixie dust sprinkled by the enchanting couple, after midnight for some...change.
It’s really been more like a “shock and awe” campaign than change but I’m rolling with it. The Rasmussen poll is 95% FOR the enchanting black hair aka “change” and 5% in favor of the blond with one inch roots…so with the new black hair, the Dr. Mark Barlow special and the new weather in the air, I’m feeling like I’m likin’ change, baby. But remember, things are cyclical and in another 10 years…..blond could be back.
Anyway, the real thing always shows up every ten years or so in some fashion or song or piece of furniture, etc. The very first time I can remember a fashion coming back around I was a youngster at my grandmother’s house in Austin. Dresses with wide bands around the hips were all the craze and my mother had bought my grandmother one for Mother’s Day. She was having NO part of that! “I didn’t wear em back then and I don’t know what makes you think I’m gonna wear ‘em now!”
Since then many things have come back around that I remember, which means we’re all getting old. Whenever a new song like “My Boyfriend’s Back” by the Ravonette’s comes on the radio it’s always funny to see the “Man, you are so hip and cool” (except, Deb adds, young people don’t use those words, only us older folks do - snicker) expression on a teenager’s face when we know ALL the words! I LOVE that!
I’ve said all that to say this – life is short, embrace change. And for change YOU can believe in call
Mark Barlow, MD, Board Certified Plastic Surgeon (281-333-8999)
Kay Lynn Arrendell, Professional Hair Stylist, (281-659-5250)
(Personal references available at Crystal’s Patio & Grille!)
Edited by Deborah K. Martin
As you all know I’ve been out of commission for a couple of weeks with the very competent Deborah K. Martin filling in for me as I avoid getting older.
Yes, I’m approaching my 45th birthday. I know, I KNOW, I don’t LOOK 45, but as my plastic surgeon says, “How old you are is your business; how old you LOOK is ours". Anyway, I've had a lot more than usual random thoughts roaming round in my head lately.
Just the other day we were all sitting at the new and improved Crystal’s Patio & Grille’s new bar watching the 52” LCD HD while Fox News (is there any other?) informed the world about some pirates who had kidnapped a couple and were holding them for ransom! Pirates?! Really? They’re back?
Well, yes they are back but unlike the bell-bottomed, corduroyed scoundrels we all knew and loved, these pirates have changed and not in a good way. Gone are the dreadlocks and man-liner along with eye patches, sheathed swords, three point hats, fancy belts with HUGE buckles and hairy chests. Pardon me, but I’d be less offended about the whole “the pirates are back” thing if we could just have our swashbucklers back instead of these metro-sexual, plain clothed pirate wannabe’s. And really, you’re not supposed to kidnap people – that’s a sin against the pirate rules. You are supposed to hunt down the treasure yourself and steal it from the first people who found it! Not only are the new pirates inadequate, unsexy and unappealing but they are impostors!
Come to think of it, we miss the real pirates so much the theme of this year’s Halloween party at the restaurant was pirates, wenches and gypsies. My husband was the Johnny Depp, swashbuckling kind of pirate and I was a gypsy. No fair asking how long the costumes stayed on but we DID have that extra hour Saturday night!
Speaking of Halloween, it was a full moon all weekend and I felt like I was in an “Eastwick” episode most of the time. Change was in the hair, ahem air – bwah hahaha!! It all started on Friday night when an enchanting young (-er than most of us) couple came into the restaurant for the first time. They were from Arizona, land of dry air, great hair and pretty people.
Speaking of great hair, all the charm seemed to be coming from the woman’s long black hair which I decided I just MUST have! Black hair that is, not HER hair…anyway, my hairdresser and FORMER friend (snicker) Kay Lynn was sitting at the bar and she concurred about me doing the whole black hair thing. Then Leah McCarty and Paula Harper followed suit; and did I mention it was a full moon and I was surrounded by...??? So the witches of Coldspring danced across the street under a full moon, protected by a cloud of pixie dust sprinkled by the enchanting couple, after midnight for some...change.
It’s really been more like a “shock and awe” campaign than change but I’m rolling with it. The Rasmussen poll is 95% FOR the enchanting black hair aka “change” and 5% in favor of the blond with one inch roots…so with the new black hair, the Dr. Mark Barlow special and the new weather in the air, I’m feeling like I’m likin’ change, baby. But remember, things are cyclical and in another 10 years…..blond could be back.
Anyway, the real thing always shows up every ten years or so in some fashion or song or piece of furniture, etc. The very first time I can remember a fashion coming back around I was a youngster at my grandmother’s house in Austin. Dresses with wide bands around the hips were all the craze and my mother had bought my grandmother one for Mother’s Day. She was having NO part of that! “I didn’t wear em back then and I don’t know what makes you think I’m gonna wear ‘em now!”
Since then many things have come back around that I remember, which means we’re all getting old. Whenever a new song like “My Boyfriend’s Back” by the Ravonette’s comes on the radio it’s always funny to see the “Man, you are so hip and cool” (except, Deb adds, young people don’t use those words, only us older folks do - snicker) expression on a teenager’s face when we know ALL the words! I LOVE that!
I’ve said all that to say this – life is short, embrace change. And for change YOU can believe in call
Mark Barlow, MD, Board Certified Plastic Surgeon (281-333-8999)
Kay Lynn Arrendell, Professional Hair Stylist, (281-659-5250)
(Personal references available at Crystal’s Patio & Grille!)
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