The Bachelorette

Written 09 June 2010


Ali, unlike her predecessor bachelorette, made a great decision Monday night and sent crazy man Craig M. packing! Mostly on the advice of Jonathan. Oh, did you all know that our very own Channel 2 (former) weatherman in Houston, TX, Jonathan Novack, is on the Bachelorette? It's wild. But he certainly is not.
Last night he was terrified to go scantily clad into the eye of the public and instead of coming out of the dressing room with his Speedo (only) on he managed to find a rubber duckie floatie thingie...you just can't make up this crap. And I can't pull myself away from it either. It's wicked addictive!
So instead of jumping in with both feet he jumped in with his rubber duckie. But all apparently was not well even with the rubber duckie security floatie thingie. Later, when they were going to produce a movie video for Bare Naked Ladies, he was supposed to kiss Ali. OMG this guy was all a twitter b/c it was their first kiss and he had to do in front of people and wah, wah, wah. It didn't script him to shove his tongue down her throat, just kiss her. Save your good stuff for later man.
Jonathan was so nervous he actually cried and the guys actually saw it and...well it was like sharks smelling blood. It was all over, emotionally, for poor gloomy weatherman until Ali, like a ray of sunshine, saved his day, made him the man to be and laid a big one on him. Take that ya big bullies!
At the end of the night he did get the coveted final rose of the night but I'm sure it was more for having her back than having one of his own.
Scarlett and Melanie's prediction for the winner is a hands down, Roberto. He's Latin She's not. (We could just stop there, because when we say Latin we mean very, very Latin and all that that entails. If you don't know what that entails you should go get you a Latin man and let him show you. Words cannot describe.) ANYWAY, he speaks five languages. She doesn't. He's well traveled. She's not. He's dark and mysterious. She's not. He gave her a salsa lesson. (We could stop there. Again.) She did very well. His hands are all over her and vice versa. He's "very, very handsome". She's "very beautiful". He is the only one that makes her blush and makes her all giddy. She is an absolute babbling idiot around him and she is absolutely putty in his hands and I do believe vice versa.
They are polar opposites attracting all the energy in the room around just the two of them. It's like the black hole of lust. There's no satisfying it's hunger. They will be building shrines unto themselves and their love tomorrow. Something like "Hey, did you know he's already married-to another man" will be the only way (and I'm not certain even THAT could stop HER) these two don't end up coloring waaayyyy, waaaaayyyy outside the lines, marring, ridding off on his white horse (cuz all Latin men have one) into the sunset to his villa in the woods (that's a tie in to Sex in the Woods...get it?) where they will make wild passionate love for centuries to come...Her career will be a thing of the past. All she will need is him and his love.
And for the rest of the men of the Bachelorette Listen up: This is game over. Your salvation for having put your lives on hold is...Roberto. Yes, I know, he's stealing Ali away like a Cleopatra captured the heart and mind of Caesar but you can learn from him. Latin men go to the School for the performing Arts - of Love. Sexuality pours from their pores and they are Mother Natures' favorites. Their skin is purrfect, their hair is purrfect, their language is purrfect...even the Italian have nothing on the Latin-men and women alike.
So Ali, if you're reading this, you can tell us. We'll keep your secret. As if it is one after last night's show.