Written 03 May 2010


The Weekend was like any other, normal, frantic, WTH have I gotten myself into, kind of weekend.

First, my girlfriend came up for the weekend from Friendswood. Second she brought her grand-daughter; whom she is raising. Third, she needed a mommy’s night out and just so happened she didn’t want to have it with me OR the child. Selfish bi*c&.

So my crackhead husband decided in a hot flash that she should go let loose and we would watch the (terrible) two year old.

Now, don’t get me wrong, the baby is ADORABLE. But she’s two. They are all adorable at two; in someone else’s home. So, Girlfriend went off for the evening and my new hubby and I went home with child. I’ve never been with child before and it was strange having one to take care of that could already say “NO”! That argument did not go well. I lost EVERY time.

Just getting out of the restaurant into the vehicle took 12 hours. OMG how does Girlfriend not have a hump back? I think diaper bags need to be measured just like carry-on luggage...before you throw this over your shoulder make sure it fits in this box... And why do they call it a diaper bag? It had diapers, ointments that I cannot even pronounce, pills (???), vodka... I think we should re-name the diaper bag to “mommy’s little helper” bag. I’m just sayin’.

Anyhoo, my husband also decided the baby should sleep with us. Well he never said anything about how I was going to GET sleep. The two of them slept fine - until he stole her pillow and I had to give her mine so the neighbors wouldn’t think we were tortuing a pig in our house.
Even after all that she wouldn’t let me have ANY room. There was a good mile and a half between Baby and hubby and I hugged the edge all night. Not like in college either. I never thought I’d long for those days. Ever.

But wait there’s more...since I wasn’t sleeping I noticed the clock a lot and the sweat, too. Whose sweat was that anyway? I didn't think it was caused by my hot flashes but then again I may have had a relapse and gone back into denial. So maybe babies sweat a lot??? Do they? In any case, the pillows were soaked and so were the sheets. Since I don’t know whether or not babies sweat I couldn’t say if my hot flashes were kicking in or not. Ah, the high one gets from denial. It’s like being wrapped in a cashmere blanket on a cold, frosty, oh wait, that’s beer… I digress..Anyway, I didn’t know if it was hot flashes or if I was extra super hormonal with a small child in bed???

And how does one bottle of milk produce so much...poo? That diaper must have weighed as much as a bowling ball. Speaking of bowling balls...

When it came time to change that weighty diaper I couldn’t even bring myself to lay her on the couch for fear of smashing all that stuff together so I changed her standing up on the living room floor. Stop. Visualize and just LOL here. Everythime some new poo in the shape of bowling balls fell on the floor, Baby giggled. I yelled for hubby and he said he was in the middle of trying to figure out how to save Louisiana, Florida, Mississippi and the entire fishing industry. Whatever. Sounds like SOMEBODY got a good night's sleep!!

Anyway, after all the balls dropped and my friend Steve, who is a rocket scientist (for real) helped me figure out which ointment to put on Baby, we tried to watch television. Listen, I don’t care how cute you are Baby there’s only so much baby talk I can handle. My husband and I are still speaking it. You know how it goes. It’s not sexy either. There’s still a mile and a half between us…How long do the side-affects last? My friend, Melanie, says that the side effects of having a small child in the home last until there's NOT a small child in the home. I would imagine that Ethel Kennedy (12 kids) was a blithering idiot by the time the last one hit puberty! One's enough for me. I'll take my six year old any day who, by the way, seems very grown up all of a sudden. Funny how that works?!

When Girlfriend called next morning and said she was ready for us to save her from the young friends she had made we gathered up the universe and headed to fetch granny. And Granny shouldn’t be acting out anyway. Listen, it was Girlfriend yesterday. Today, it’s Granny. I don’t like her as much today as I did yesterday and she needs to understand that Grannies do not go out. Ever. They drink expensive wine with their girlfriends and hire baby sitters. And the two shall never become one.

While the youthful children and granny told me about their adventures Baby was playing with the other children and tried to get on a play thingy with a slide. Since we were near the water Granny and I were fretting and worrying about Baby but youthful mommy had the perfect solution: She put a life jacket on Baby and shoved some coffee and Bailey’s at us. God really knew what he was doing when he made it possible for the young to bear children and possible for the children to never remember a thing before the age of 5.

At some point granny and I could no longer stand the eminent danger the water posed and we took Baby away from the danger zone most parents call a play ground. Baby screamed so loud the Game Warden showed up. But when Baby took her tongue, ran it across her upper lip and scooped up all the snot…everything just faded to black…I’m still gagging.

Oh of course there were amazing moments. Ones without poo or snot. And when she put hubby’s boots on and realized she couldn’t move so she just stood there looking at us - in all her glory, giggling-I understood how parents fall in love with their kids. Precious. Simply precious.