The Joy of Recycling

Written 7 April 2010

You know, I’m all for recycling. Not that I practice it really, but it sure sounds like a good idea. So noble and look at me I’m doing something for the planet and all that. Turn in all your old stuff and they (I always wonder who “they” are, don’t you?) tear it apart, crush it up, melt it down and then put it back into the manufacturing pipeline to make it into something new and improved. Hopefully. How cool is THAT?!
Don’t you wish you could do that with other things? Don’t you wish you could do that with men? You heard me right. Unlike my newly married, wonderful bff who usually writes this column – I am single. Without significant other. Footloose and fancy free. Unaccountable to anyone but my boss and my landlord. And this week to the IRS. How could life get any better. Right? Well, kinda…
I’ve been blessed (ok, we’re going to CALL it blessed anyway, I’m trying to be proactive here) in my life to have been a bride more than once. More than twice, actually. Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time so no judging, okay? At least I didn’t try to hold on to a bad thing just to have someone in my life. Now THAT would have been pathetic! Recycling at its worst!
Last summer I suffered a broken engagement which, as it turns out, was absolutely the right thing and thank the good Lord it happened before we actually did the paperwork. We’re even still friendly with each other. Saved by the bell. No harm, no foul. At least that’s what my head says, but on rare occasions my heart kind of creeps back to the bad place and the weirdest things can set it off. Recycling of the oddest, most unwelcome kind.
The latest thing is this - my ex, Richard is in Spain even as we speak, vacationing with a woman he hardly knows. He actually spent enough money to fly half way around the world to see a woman he met for two days. Help me out here. Does this make sense to anyone? ANYone out there? Hello? Sorry. I digress.
I can’t quite figure out why this should bother me because I thought I was all OVER that. And I am really. 99.9999% of the time. I would not, repeat NOT, ever be part of a couple with him ever again (did I say ever?). So why do I feel strangely angry that he’s taking that trip with someone else? It makes me feel slightly stupid and very girly.
So naturally I think of recycling. Doesn’t everyone at a time like this? I’d like to be able to take all the best parts of all my exes and put them all into one guy. Wouldn’t that be fun? Think of the possibilities. Staggering actually, because I have been fortunate enough to have known some pretty interesting men. They’ve had fatal flaws (OK, I’m not perfect either, but we’re talking about the men now so chill.) but some pretty great qualities, too.
If we could order a guy like we can order a custom suit then we could have the ideal man, guaranteed to be funny and faithful, employed and empathetic, learned and loyal. We could, say, take Richard’s skills, and Tim’s great arms, Roger’s sense of humor, Charlie’s attention to romance, Chris’s boyish enthusiasm for all things me, Marc’s testosterone level, Brad’s ability to fix ANYthing and Harry’s ability to dance.
[A little aside here from THE Sweet Potato Queen, Jill Connor Browne: You always need 5 men in your life. The guy to talk to. The guy who will fix things. The guy who buys you stuff. The guy to have great “romance” with. And the guy to dance with. The good news is - they can all be gay except one. Now THAT’s funny!]
It would be easy. Those of us who like to dance could pick a great dance partner. Intellectuals would pick the guy who had loads of smarts. The outdoorsy girls would get the athletes and backpackers. The high maintenance chicks would get the rich. Actually, all of us would like to have that but it’s not always tops on the list.
Personally, I just want one guy who finds me irresistible. One guy who can remain faithful. One guy who likes to laugh and play as much as I do. One guy willing to learn how to dance with me. One guy who is my safe place to fall (my favorite Dr. Phil-ism).
One guy who will let me take care of him as much as I want him to take care of me.
Alas, there is no such service and no such man. If there were then he could do the same thing with us and make an ideal woman according to HIS specs. None of us, male or female are perfect. Never will be. The best we can hope for is to find someone who is perfect for US even with their flaws – and ours.
Some things are negotiable – even dancing. Others are not – like loyalty and fidelity. If he can’t remain faithful then it doesn’t matter how much money he has or how well he dances. That sense of humor is on MY Must List but some women might not mind a guy who doesn’t smile much. I also want someone I can actually have an intelligent conversation with but Forrest Gump certainly had HIS good qualities, didn’t he?
Everyone brings their own brand of relationship style to the table so maybe the moral of the story is that I should just concentrate on being the best ME I can and appreciate the guys for what they bring to the relationship, not what they don’t and maybe they’ll do the same for me.