A Man's Point of View

Sex in the Woods

by Crystal Laramore


So, some of you out there are actually reading my new column! Cheers!

One of my faithful readers, Joe from Conroe, had some comments regarding the first article:

“From a man's point of view, this article was giving away secrets that everybody knows (if that makes any sense). It kind of portrayed men as mindless predators, which for the most part is true; true for all men at one time or another. There is definitely a deeply suppressed desire to impregnate as many women as possible. Any sex therapist will tell you that.

“So, secrets about women that everyone knows? You do actually have to listen to her once in awhile. No, not every word but enough to be able to ask her a question or two about the story she just told while you were missing the opening kickoff. A simple ‘How do you feel about that, honey’ or ‘That reminds me of the time we...’ will score brownie points like you've never seen. Another priceless move is to actually ask her about her day BEFORE she starts telling you about it! Precede that with how good she looks and you'll most likely be more than set up for bedtime. Now for the biggie: This is a little known secret even among men and I hate to give it away but here goes; Next time she's slaving over the stove or the washing machine FOR YOU, instead of slapping her on the butt or grabbing her bosom, try massaging her shoulders or running your hand up her neck and through her hair and whispering ‘Thank you.’

“Am I right, Crystal? I guess the readers will be the judge of that,
if any of this makes it in your column.”

Well Joe, it did make it in the column and now for fair & balanced reporting:

My first thought is no, Joe. You are not right. You are trying to pass along Tarzan’s error-proof recipe for sex (in the woods). So when my friends Richard and Richard were in the restaurant, I was discussing Joe’s comments and relaying the vibe I was getting. The message I thought Joe was sending was that these are “moves”, as he said. He also said there is no need to listen to EVERY word, just enough to getchaby. Joe also gave a roster of sentences engineered to score you brownie points. Although I thought all of this was good info I just didn’t like the packaging.

My friends Richard and Richard said they completely disagreed with my assessment of Joe’s comments. From the male point of view, they said, since the only times men aren’t thinking about sex is when they’re having it, any small bit of finesse from a man should count as the equivalent of Jesus and Mohammed sharing a glass of Manischevitz. Basically, if a man puts any more effort into his seduction of you other than just easing the La-Z-Boy back and yelling, “Hey, c’mere,” then he’s doing his honest best to be a kind and tender custodian of your womanly needs. This just goes to show that men and women really are from different planets!

So guys take Joe’s sage advice and ladies, do not get offended, and just enjoy the experience whenever he’s savvy enough to pay attention…