Independent, Confident Women…So, you think you want one do ya?

By Crystal Laramore

Editing by Deborah Martin

Independent, Confident Women…So, you think you want one do ya?

If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it a thousand times (from men): “I want an independent and confident woman” (IC). Really, because I seem to be hearing from my IC girlfriends and fans of the article that the men aren’t handling them very well. This is the mantra I’ve heard for years: “He says he wants an independent, confident woman but he gets upset whenever I cannot spend time with him or I have to attend to my business”.

So, back to you (men) and your desire to have an IC woman in your life; do you know that territory well? Let me help you. This will not be your typical relationship. It will be plagued with conversations like: Honey, I can’t make dinner tonight, I have a meeting. Honey, can you pick up the children; I’ve got to run the brokerage firm this afternoon. One of my staff members is sick today so I’ll have to work late, again. Sorry, I know we had plans; I’ll make it up to you.

It’s also plagued with conversation styles like: Baby, why don’t you go play golf with your buddies; I’ve got a luncheon with my girlfriends and I’ll be home late. Hey, I already fixed the dryer, what are you doing? Look honey, I moved the furniture all by myself! Baby, see all my new power tools? Honey, I’ve booked us an African Safari; No, the children are not invited.

Independent women are stubborn, tough as nails and decisive; some men might confuse this with being controlling-don’t fall for it for one second! As smart women we often see where things can be better, not only in our partners but in ourselves so we're quick to admit our faults and try to work on them. Occasionally we might slip and this is when we need you to be our great defender and understand we are coming from a place of love as well as a know-it-all attitude. We’re sorry but we are worth the frustration. We love and respect a man who also wants to improve himself and is not threatened if we gently point out an area of improvement he could make in his own life or his part of our relationship

I believe MOST of the independent women out there are over 40. Certainly women in their 20's are still trying to figure out who they are, what they want and whether or not they really are like their mothers. Women over 40 (and maybe late 30's) have already been through the career thing, the relationship thing, the mommy thing and are finally comfortable in their own skin. They know what kind of man they want for the second half of their lives and this is a good thing for men because we won't waste THEIR time if they aren't right for us whereas a younger woman WILL because she's still trying to change the guy or she’s waiting for him to live up to his "potential". An older woman knows that if a man over 40 hasn't lived up to his potential YET, then he probably never will and/or the “potential” was all in our 20-something mind in the first place. My dad sent me a card one time that read “If you love something set it free. If it just sits there on the couch unaware that it’s been set free, you’ve probably already married it”. Sorry. I couldn’t help it…

As we get older we jump to fewer conclusions, are slower to anger and we are more patient. I love what Andy Rooney has to say about older women:

“As I grown in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a view reasons why:

A woman over 40 will not lie next to you in bed and ask, “What are you thinking?” She really doesn’t care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it’s usually something more interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she wants, and what she wants from whom.

Few women over 40 give a damn about what you might think of her or what she’s doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women.

Women over 40 couldn’t care less if you’re attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won’t betray her.

Women get psychic with age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one.

You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.

Unfortunately it is not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well dressed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool out of himself with some 18-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” Here’s an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.”

We do want a man in our life but we don’t necessarily need him to define who we are. We need you for love, companionship, support, strength, leadership…Did you hear that? We want YOU to be our leader. Yes, we are independent and we are confident enough to want, nay expect, you to be our leader. We will not ask you to save us on a regular basis. It may happen a time or two (or three) and maybe, just once, kinda, sorta make it up so you get the chance to be something you LOVE to be – our hero! We’re also smart. We will definitely call on you in a true crisis; otherwise we are resourceful and you may never even know we knocked down the garage wall with our new car. (See my mom for more details!)

We will tell you what we want and when we want it. We will be direct so, be prepared: when you ask us what’s wrong, we’ll tell you. Not like when we were mere youngsters and always said, “Nothing” when you asked what was wrong and then we made you pay later because you didn’t read our minds. No, IC (independent and confident if you’ve forgotten) women don’t have a lot of time to waste playing patty-cake. We’d rather be spending time with you doing other things… And speaking of doing other things, we are fine alone. If you need to be off saving the world or tending to personal matters, you just go right ahead. We have plenty to do.

Lucky for you, you’ll never have to worry about an independent woman dragging you to a chick flick; we’ll go with our like-minded chick friends or we’ll be happy to go alone. We’ll save the action flicks for a hot date with you. And thank your lucky stars that we will not expect you to work yourself into an early grave so we can travel the globe. No, we will work too so we can retire early and travel the globe together.

We are also sexy, charming, great conversationalists, opinionated, secure in our skin and typically not jealous. If you think you’d be happier on the other side of the fence, we’ll give you a lift over it. We’ll be sad for all of a New York Minute and then be better off without you - at the spa; spas are great places to rub off dead skin and other unwanted surface matter. We’re confident enough to cry and joyous enough to laugh, and smart enough to love you the way you want to be loved.

We also want you to treat us like women, like ladies. We want you to open our doors, order our dinner, pick out the wine (Ok, on this one we may not be able to keep our opinions to ourselves), take off our coats, help us put them back on, slip off our shoes, pull out our chairs and stand whenever we need to get up from the table. We want you to speak to us with respect and dignity, love and consideration. We want to be romanced and put upon a pedestal. And guess what, we are worth every ounce of energy you put into our relationship. You’ll get back ten fold what you put into it, because we are also generous. But we are NOT pushovers. Never mistake our kindness for weakness, for we are very strong.

You can be proud to take us camping or to meet the President of the United States of America. We can wear jeans or a fur coat. Actually, they look really good together! We’ll stay at the Four Seasons or in a tent, as long as you are with us we really don’t care. Want to go fishing? We’ll be glad to go with you or happy to have you go with your friends. We’ll not dictate to you how to live your life. First of all, we trust that you already know how it should be lived and second of all, we don’t want you dictating to us. We’ll treat you with respect and kindness. We know you have goals and dreams just like we do and we’ll not stand in your way. We will ask you how we can help you be all that you can be.

But be ready for a passionate debate on important issues. We have strong minds and we will not sit quietly if we think we have something to add or if we think you are making a mistake. In the end though, your decision is final. We will not whimper around to get our way. We’re much too independent for that.

Our disagreements may be fierce but we do not hold a grudge. We want to win the war (you) and not the battle (the argument). We will be proud of your accomplishments, defend you in public and never humiliate you. We are not needy or desperate. Remember, we are independent and confident. It might be a recipe you’ve not had before but the ingredients sure make for a very happy, spontaneous, fulfilling life full of love, laughter, adventure and yes, romance.

We are as loyal as any golden retriever and we will trust you until you give us reason not to. However, I dare say that you’ll not find many truly IC women standing by their man after he has betrayed us. If you are a Bill Clinton or a John Edwards and you are married to one of us, you’ll find yourself alone at the press conferences; unless your mistress is there. Yep, while your treachery is being played out by the world-wide media, while you are at the podium pontificating on the woes of your life, lying through your teeth about when, where and how much money…we’ll most likely be with the d-i-v-o-r-c-e attorney.

And if you tell us you need your space, be prepared to feel like you are in the Astrodome alone. And be prepared that while basking in your new-found spacious life we may fill our space with new furniture. Careful what you wish for.

But, for you loyal, trustworthy ones out there, if you are lucky enough to find an Independent, Confident woman, put on your running shoes cuz we’re gonna let you do the chasing. And when you catch us you’ll find it’s a ride worth taking. Fasten your seat belts and don’t worry about the speed limit. I know the new Sheriff!