Written 10 February 2010
...EVEN IF you are a man! Just go back to Junior High English. Ever heard of the INDIRECT object? Yes, menopause could happen to you directly or INDIRECTLY! When you see it happening and you are not the one it's happening to, keep your mouth shut and step away from the direct object. Put all sharp and blunt, heavy objects away.
SO, there I was in my 20's minding my own business and others' too, when my thirties jumped out at me. Happy to have made it through the acid-trip-like adventure of my 20's I embraced my 30's with a vengeance. So, there I was learning to mind my own business in a land far, far away when my 40's showed up in an explosion of shrapnel and ear-piercing noises. Wait. Those were RPG’s! Anyhooo, life was so full of explosions and heat and young men that I barely noticed the earth shift; just a little shift, but a shift none-the-less.
Currently, I am sneaking up on 45. I don't how to define "I" anymore. The person typing this certainly isn't sneaking up on 45 but somewhere in my knees something is definitely sneaking up on something painful. Maybe that's 45?
When the first tremor hit...I was watching some mind altering television show like Grey's Anatomy or something when I needed to channel surf over to Desperate Housewives (I have goals). As usual I picked up the remote but for some reason known only to the mean gods of hahahahahaha you're getting old; the numbers/letters were blurry.
Inconceivably, I held out the remote and was able to see clearly. Only a couple of nights later I was spending the night with a girlfriend. She was cleaning her face and I was getting ready to watch the news or something when I had an out-of-body-experience. It was like dejavue. It was the whole "why are the letters/numbers so blurry” experience all over again. True to a tragic event I screamed like the girl in the B movies being chased by the blob! Deborah ran out of the bathroom with night cream dripping from her chin to save me with her cotton swab and all she saw was a helpless, frantic woman holding a remote control - close, far, close, far screaming every time it got "far" (b/c it was so much CLEARER!) This could also be Karma for having cheaters on hand for all my “old” customers and snickering EVERY time I hand them out! Or maybe not.
One day I was again, minding my own business, driving along with the top down singing really loud to Rhiana, when I was instantly struck with that hot, flush feeling I got in my 30's when a cute guy walked by or when I put that burn your buns dark tanning lotion on right before I went into the tanning bed for half an hour.
Whew, where did that come from?! I looked in my rear view mirror for the devil cuz I was sure he had finally caught up with me for my bad ways in my 20's. I turned side to side looking for him to be in a motorcycle with a helper in the side car and in a "flash" the heat and my overwhelming I-need-Prozac-paranoia, was gone.
And just two months ago my Aunt Flo forgot to visit. Look, when you've waited on your aunt your whole life and she always shows up then one day she doesn't show up what would YOU do? Me? Well, I bought 8 pregnancy tests and waited till I was about to puke from nerves and my whole staff was going to quit to take them.
Negative? WHAT? Look, my aunt is over two weeks late. Hmm. Well, finally she showed up but is now officially three weeks late AGAIN. Lucky for me I still have 5 pregnancy tests left. Yes, that means I took THREE last time. You can never be tooooo careful about these things.
Additionally over the last several months I’ve noticed black hairs in places no one ever told black hairs were supposed to be. Why are all the women in my family who are older than me such bit*he$? Shouldn’t you pass along pertinent information regarding getting older to your young? Your friends? Your siblings? What the heck? It’s so NOT romantic for a man whom you are trying to be romantic with to say, with a contorted facial expression, “OMG! Is that a black hair”? Talk about kill joy!
As a pre-emptive strike to real therapy, I scheduled an urgent conference call with my best friend Jasmine (while having a hot flash in front of the paint man at Home Depot) who is older and oh so much wiser about such things. Getting older apparently does lots of weird things to your body. Without your permission.
Anyway, after laughing hysterically and saying, "Welcome to the club, honey!" she shared her own experiences with little memory lapses, soaked-with-sweat bed sheets and outbursts of temper which were totally foreign to her. One of her relatives, Alexa, is currently going through some of the same things and as a matter of fact is about the same age as I am. Whoever “I” is these days…
We all understand that these things are part of the life process, but Geez Louise, we wish we'd had more warning. I guess it's one of those things that - until you go through it yourself - you just can't quite describe it to others but you sure as heck should try. I now have a whole new understanding of the word “sisterhood”.
Showing posts with label Sex in the Woods. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sex in the Woods. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
A Man's Point of View
Sex in the Woods
by Crystal Laramore
So, some of you out there are actually reading my new column! Cheers!
One of my faithful readers, Joe from Conroe, had some comments regarding the first article:
“From a man's point of view, this article was giving away secrets that everybody knows (if that makes any sense). It kind of portrayed men as mindless predators, which for the most part is true; true for all men at one time or another. There is definitely a deeply suppressed desire to impregnate as many women as possible. Any sex therapist will tell you that.
“So, secrets about women that everyone knows? You do actually have to listen to her once in awhile. No, not every word but enough to be able to ask her a question or two about the story she just told while you were missing the opening kickoff. A simple ‘How do you feel about that, honey’ or ‘That reminds me of the time we...’ will score brownie points like you've never seen. Another priceless move is to actually ask her about her day BEFORE she starts telling you about it! Precede that with how good she looks and you'll most likely be more than set up for bedtime. Now for the biggie: This is a little known secret even among men and I hate to give it away but here goes; Next time she's slaving over the stove or the washing machine FOR YOU, instead of slapping her on the butt or grabbing her bosom, try massaging her shoulders or running your hand up her neck and through her hair and whispering ‘Thank you.’
“Am I right, Crystal? I guess the readers will be the judge of that,
if any of this makes it in your column.”
Well Joe, it did make it in the column and now for fair & balanced reporting:
My first thought is no, Joe. You are not right. You are trying to pass along Tarzan’s error-proof recipe for sex (in the woods). So when my friends Richard and Richard were in the restaurant, I was discussing Joe’s comments and relaying the vibe I was getting. The message I thought Joe was sending was that these are “moves”, as he said. He also said there is no need to listen to EVERY word, just enough to getchaby. Joe also gave a roster of sentences engineered to score you brownie points. Although I thought all of this was good info I just didn’t like the packaging.
My friends Richard and Richard said they completely disagreed with my assessment of Joe’s comments. From the male point of view, they said, since the only times men aren’t thinking about sex is when they’re having it, any small bit of finesse from a man should count as the equivalent of Jesus and Mohammed sharing a glass of Manischevitz. Basically, if a man puts any more effort into his seduction of you other than just easing the La-Z-Boy back and yelling, “Hey, c’mere,” then he’s doing his honest best to be a kind and tender custodian of your womanly needs. This just goes to show that men and women really are from different planets!
So guys take Joe’s sage advice and ladies, do not get offended, and just enjoy the experience whenever he’s savvy enough to pay attention…
by Crystal Laramore
So, some of you out there are actually reading my new column! Cheers!
One of my faithful readers, Joe from Conroe, had some comments regarding the first article:
“From a man's point of view, this article was giving away secrets that everybody knows (if that makes any sense). It kind of portrayed men as mindless predators, which for the most part is true; true for all men at one time or another. There is definitely a deeply suppressed desire to impregnate as many women as possible. Any sex therapist will tell you that.
“So, secrets about women that everyone knows? You do actually have to listen to her once in awhile. No, not every word but enough to be able to ask her a question or two about the story she just told while you were missing the opening kickoff. A simple ‘How do you feel about that, honey’ or ‘That reminds me of the time we...’ will score brownie points like you've never seen. Another priceless move is to actually ask her about her day BEFORE she starts telling you about it! Precede that with how good she looks and you'll most likely be more than set up for bedtime. Now for the biggie: This is a little known secret even among men and I hate to give it away but here goes; Next time she's slaving over the stove or the washing machine FOR YOU, instead of slapping her on the butt or grabbing her bosom, try massaging her shoulders or running your hand up her neck and through her hair and whispering ‘Thank you.’
“Am I right, Crystal? I guess the readers will be the judge of that,
if any of this makes it in your column.”
Well Joe, it did make it in the column and now for fair & balanced reporting:
My first thought is no, Joe. You are not right. You are trying to pass along Tarzan’s error-proof recipe for sex (in the woods). So when my friends Richard and Richard were in the restaurant, I was discussing Joe’s comments and relaying the vibe I was getting. The message I thought Joe was sending was that these are “moves”, as he said. He also said there is no need to listen to EVERY word, just enough to getchaby. Joe also gave a roster of sentences engineered to score you brownie points. Although I thought all of this was good info I just didn’t like the packaging.
My friends Richard and Richard said they completely disagreed with my assessment of Joe’s comments. From the male point of view, they said, since the only times men aren’t thinking about sex is when they’re having it, any small bit of finesse from a man should count as the equivalent of Jesus and Mohammed sharing a glass of Manischevitz. Basically, if a man puts any more effort into his seduction of you other than just easing the La-Z-Boy back and yelling, “Hey, c’mere,” then he’s doing his honest best to be a kind and tender custodian of your womanly needs. This just goes to show that men and women really are from different planets!
So guys take Joe’s sage advice and ladies, do not get offended, and just enjoy the experience whenever he’s savvy enough to pay attention…
Cyber Dating
Sex in the Woods
by Crystal Laramore
Let’s talk about cyber space dating: Since we live in the woods it’s kind of hard finding someone to date; it’s not like being in a big city where single people are around every corner. It’s like being in the woods where everyone is married to someone you know!
So, I joined YAHOO!Personals for a test drive. Interesting. Out of 145 profiles they sent my way I was interested in 5. You 5 know who you are. Last week I said men should do the majority of the calling, but what about in cyber dating? Do women really want to give thier number to strangers? TOTAL strangers. Not only are they strangers, but some are not close to who they say they are. My friend Sophia got an email from Richard and his picture looked like an ad for Armani suits. Richard said he was a jewelry designer and originally from Italy and wrote in such poor English one minute and fluent the next…we decided something was amiss. When Sophia asked Richard for some more photos, like in casual settings or with friends and family, he closed communication.
Maybe there should be an exception about calling in this environment. I have given out my business telephone number twice. You can also block your number when you call. And, this is what I’d do at the very least; can someone say “background check”? Now, don’t go doing a background check on every person you meet in cyber space, but certainly on the ones you open communication with and certainly before it goes to the intimate stage.
Last week we discussed men and how they like challenges and things that are difficult. By that I meant difficult like in stick shifts,
When I say that men like difficult I don’t mean difficult women. My friend Richard said that there are a lot of physco women out there. Well, I wondered what he meant by physco and he explained that two dates does not a relationship make. And if he doesn’t call you-please, don’t call him, and call him, and call him, and call…
Don’t Google his address, drive by his house to see if he’s home or has someone else there. Don’t show up where you know he hangs out. Just let it go! Seriously, why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with them? Our lives are so much more harmonious when we are in symbiotic relationships.
Beautiful, insecure women are not attractive. An average, secure woman will beat her hands down every time. Move on ladies, there are plenty of men out there.
Spilling the beans: Ladies, give the new man in your life little peeks into your psyche, no need to do a total mind dump on him in the first ten minutes. Breathe! There is no need to tell him all your wonderful qualities in a 30 second commercial. You are not a candidate running for office. You are a prize trophy that he will hunt, in less than perfect conditions, to catch. You are not there to scream “pick me, vote for me”, you are there to show him, little by little, that you can keep him challenged for more than a nano-second.
How does all this come about? SLOWLY! But first ladies, you must set some guidelines for yourself and the relationship. Remember he’s the hunter, so let him do the hunting. This translates into he is the one to make the phone calls, he picks you up for dates, he plans the dates and did I mention he makes the phone calls? If ever you find yourself dialing his number decide whether you want him to be Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now. The woman walking down the isle did not do the hunting. That couple is symbolic of hunter and prey. And if she’s smart, he’ll still be hunting her long after the honeymoon.
I am the owner and executive chef of a successful restaurant. We serve gourmet food. I cannot remember the last time I cooked dinner for a man; unless I saw him at the restaurant on Thursday-Saturday evenings between 6&10 pm. Sometimes, I even instruct the staff to give them a check. The point is not that I’m desperate for cash, the point is that he needs to be desperate to show me he is worthy of a (free) meal that I have slaved over a hot stove in a hot kitchen to prepare or paid my staff to prepare, either way…
Women tend to show all their cards on the first round while men keep their cards close to the vest.
Cleopatra had a muse. She went to her muse to find out how to capture the attention of her prey (Cesar). The muse asked what kind of man he was. Cleopatra answered that he was a conqueror. The muse said simply, “Then always let him think there is more to conquer”!
If the natural order of things occurs; like women allowing men to hunt, the men will make the woman happy. Men enjoy pleasing women. I hear it all the time. Cuz when mama’s happy, everybody’s happy and when mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!
by Crystal Laramore
Let’s talk about cyber space dating: Since we live in the woods it’s kind of hard finding someone to date; it’s not like being in a big city where single people are around every corner. It’s like being in the woods where everyone is married to someone you know!
So, I joined YAHOO!Personals for a test drive. Interesting. Out of 145 profiles they sent my way I was interested in 5. You 5 know who you are. Last week I said men should do the majority of the calling, but what about in cyber dating? Do women really want to give thier number to strangers? TOTAL strangers. Not only are they strangers, but some are not close to who they say they are. My friend Sophia got an email from Richard and his picture looked like an ad for Armani suits. Richard said he was a jewelry designer and originally from Italy and wrote in such poor English one minute and fluent the next…we decided something was amiss. When Sophia asked Richard for some more photos, like in casual settings or with friends and family, he closed communication.
Maybe there should be an exception about calling in this environment. I have given out my business telephone number twice. You can also block your number when you call. And, this is what I’d do at the very least; can someone say “background check”? Now, don’t go doing a background check on every person you meet in cyber space, but certainly on the ones you open communication with and certainly before it goes to the intimate stage.
Last week we discussed men and how they like challenges and things that are difficult. By that I meant difficult like in stick shifts,
When I say that men like difficult I don’t mean difficult women. My friend Richard said that there are a lot of physco women out there. Well, I wondered what he meant by physco and he explained that two dates does not a relationship make. And if he doesn’t call you-please, don’t call him, and call him, and call him, and call…
Don’t Google his address, drive by his house to see if he’s home or has someone else there. Don’t show up where you know he hangs out. Just let it go! Seriously, why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with them? Our lives are so much more harmonious when we are in symbiotic relationships.
Beautiful, insecure women are not attractive. An average, secure woman will beat her hands down every time. Move on ladies, there are plenty of men out there.
Spilling the beans: Ladies, give the new man in your life little peeks into your psyche, no need to do a total mind dump on him in the first ten minutes. Breathe! There is no need to tell him all your wonderful qualities in a 30 second commercial. You are not a candidate running for office. You are a prize trophy that he will hunt, in less than perfect conditions, to catch. You are not there to scream “pick me, vote for me”, you are there to show him, little by little, that you can keep him challenged for more than a nano-second.
How does all this come about? SLOWLY! But first ladies, you must set some guidelines for yourself and the relationship. Remember he’s the hunter, so let him do the hunting. This translates into he is the one to make the phone calls, he picks you up for dates, he plans the dates and did I mention he makes the phone calls? If ever you find yourself dialing his number decide whether you want him to be Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now. The woman walking down the isle did not do the hunting. That couple is symbolic of hunter and prey. And if she’s smart, he’ll still be hunting her long after the honeymoon.
I am the owner and executive chef of a successful restaurant. We serve gourmet food. I cannot remember the last time I cooked dinner for a man; unless I saw him at the restaurant on Thursday-Saturday evenings between 6&10 pm. Sometimes, I even instruct the staff to give them a check. The point is not that I’m desperate for cash, the point is that he needs to be desperate to show me he is worthy of a (free) meal that I have slaved over a hot stove in a hot kitchen to prepare or paid my staff to prepare, either way…
Women tend to show all their cards on the first round while men keep their cards close to the vest.
Cleopatra had a muse. She went to her muse to find out how to capture the attention of her prey (Cesar). The muse asked what kind of man he was. Cleopatra answered that he was a conqueror. The muse said simply, “Then always let him think there is more to conquer”!
If the natural order of things occurs; like women allowing men to hunt, the men will make the woman happy. Men enjoy pleasing women. I hear it all the time. Cuz when mama’s happy, everybody’s happy and when mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!
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