To Kill A Squirrel

Written 24 May 2012


Seriously. The whole menopause (Men. Oh! Pause before you speak) thing is just out of control. And so am I. And so are my hormones. I blame EVERYTHING on my hormones now. It's really kind of liberating. You can find me most anywhere these days saying "My hormones did it."
The night sweats (NS) are gone. However, I have a sneaking suspicion they'll be back. They were too mild some of my (used-2-b) friends said. So, my luck they're just on hiatus. Visiting some other poor unsuspecting 40something year old woman with that crazed-what-the-hedoublel-is-happening-TO-ME look in her otherwise normal eyes.
That's the good news. The bad news is that crying has replaced sweating. Maybe that's why NS left. Surely there's not enough water even in a killer whale's body to produce all that it takes to support night sweats AND all the sobbing I am doing. And doing. And doing.
Dancing with the stars was on the other night and I was sitting in the recliner doing the ugly (chest heaving, snot producing) cry when my husband walked in (on me). Some things are private. So husband says, in a very scared and concerned tone, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" "Derek and Nicole just did the most beautiful tango I haahaavvve eeeevv veeerrr r seeeenn."
Mr. Smarty pants said "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" The amazing thing is that he's still alive. The spinning head did scare him a little though. As if a beautifully choreographed, well executed tango is not something to cry over. Men. I really have yet to figure them out. NO appreciation for the arts.
Attention to hairdressers around the globe: Menopause is serious and should be considered a narcotic in case your otherwise normal customer walks in and says "Chop it off". I look like a little boy. And when I cry I look like a sad little boy. And MY hairdresser has been was my friend for 45 years! (Shameless plug for Cynthia Thibodeaux @ Studio 3 on University Blvd. Houston, TX)
Attention to women around the globe going through menopause: If you hairdresser is ALSO going through menopause change hairdressers. Cuz she WILL chop it off! Oh, she just can't WAIT to chop it off. Anything will do but since you're offering up your hair, her husband is safe for yet another night. Don't sacrifice yourself this way. You torture your family and let her torture hers.
Not that the haircut isn't adorable. It is. But she should have stopped at the first hair cut she gave me. It was cute. It was already blow dried and fixed. Then I said "Cut it shorter." And she did. So there. But men typically like long hair. And my husband falls in that category. I cry just thinking about him not liking it.
And on top of EVERYTHING mother nature STILL hasn't visited me and everyone keeps dangling the dead rabbit theory in front of me. I'll tell you about a dead rabbit. Or was that a squirrel? Anyway, it ran out in front of me the other day while Air Supply was singing "All out of love" and well, yes, I was crying and things were blurry but I thought maybe I'd missed him by some small animal miracle but the bump, the bump is always bad news. "My hormones did it."
Then I skinned it , boiled it, fed it to the family and called it chicken. "My hormones did it."

The Joys of Night Sweats and Hot Flashes...

Written 07 April 2010


Rasmussen really needs a poll for ranking the degree of night sweats as it pertains to being stranded in the Mojave desert with only Tobasco to drink. In the beginning I knew the aliens had invaded. Now I just wonder if my air conditioner isn't working properly 32 times per evening. Can a person really have THIS many hot flashes???

According to one woman I polled; because I poll every poor unsuspecting woman that comes into my restaurant about MY hot flashes; you can have up to 50 hot flashes per day! Her husband said they were going through menopause naturally. He said it just as I took a sip (gulp) of wine. I had to get up from the table to keep from spewing my drink in his face. No need wasting good wine. "THEY"? "Naturally"? Who's he trying to fool? Is he actually trying to use her pain and suffering as his very own atonement. Sorry buddy, NOT how it works. God is STILL going to take care of you in his own special little way.

The dutiful wife just smiled and nodded. Why? Because she's on drugs. He's the idiot. Oh, and he was actually PROUD that "they" were going through this "naturally", "together". I guess they went through natural child birth together too. I'm still laughing. By "together" does he mean he hasn't filed for divorce and moved out? Does he mean that she has allowed him to live yet another day? I bet if we took a close look we could find HIS medication for coping with their menopause, naturally, together. I'm still laughing.

The other night I was sitting in the leather recliner-alone. Why? Because I WAS sitting on the corduroy sofa alone - until my daughter wanted to lay next to me. Well, her hair was wet so that was cooling me off and so far I didn't mind. Then dad started having abandonment issues and joined us. Then my daughters hair dried and I was hot. So I got up and moved to the recliner. Alone. It wasn't long before I had yet another hot flash. Off goes the lap blanked and on goes the moaning. My darling, brand new out of the box, husband actually let the following thought escape in an audible tone past his lips "Man, I don't want to hear it anymore. I'm tired of hearing about EVERY hot flash".

Wait. Soak that in.

Now, imagine a high strung woman's response. Now, imagine a high strung, very hot, caught in the Mojave desert with only Tobasco to drink, menopausal woman's response. You can all send a cash donation instead of flowers. He won't be sayin that again. Ever. Oh, he may think it but from now on his little mind will not allow him to utter the words audibly. Ever. Again. I just know it.

And the good thing is that our child learned a really great lesson at a young age. Children are to be seen and not heard and during a hot flash so are daddy's.