8 January 2010

Breaking Up is Hard To do...

By Crystal Laramore Lutz


For a long time now I've been having an affair. Many of you reading this will be surprised and some you already know. Admittedly, it's not a healthy relationship. Actually, it's killing me. But just like many of you out there, I can't manage to conjure up the self esteem or the intestinal fortitude to just end it; walk away; BREAK UP!
It's like I can't do it (whatever "it" is) on my own. I need BH (Bad Habit) to lose weight, to feel pretty, to look cool, to keep me company, to love me, blah, blah, blah. When we break up I feel great! Then I get a little stressed out and go back! And every single time I feel worse for it in the morning; it's like a rock sitting on my chest and it's hard to breathe. So, I make a secret decision that this really IS the last time. Then my friends and I might open a great bottle of wine and start drinking and telling stories and next thing you know-I'm looking for around BH and a little fire...
Sometimes I think it's just gone on for too long and there's no hope. Then other times I'm strong and can be without my addictive/abusive relationship for months; one time I went two years! Just when I began feeling whole again guess who came knocking? Like an old, dear friend or that favorite pair of blue jeans-you just look at 'em and remember how comfortable they were; not how miserable you were when you outgrew them and tried to fit back in them. Yes, the years have a way of erasing the pain. Good news is that it only takes that one something er other for all the painful memories to come flooding back through your brain like a tsunami and you're standing there with your bad habit thinking "OH! THAT'S WHY WE BROKE UP"!
Several months ago I was having one of those weak moments and went to the place where we most often meet up, Exxon, and while I sat in the car holding my bad habit, unwrapping it, smelling it, breathing it in, I had an epiphany; maybe this is why I can't let go; each time I buy a brand new pack of Winston Ultra Lights (cuz Winston has no artificial additives-as if THAT will keep the lung cancer and COPD at bay...) it's like opening a present. First of all you have a new shiny box, then you actually get to UNWRAP it! All that ceremony! When you have unwrapped you very own box of cancer and opened it up you are NEVER disappointed! Staring right at you are twenty new gifts. Gifts of death you can be certain but gifts none the less.
Maybe that's why we never really all the way break up. Too much ceremony. Too much history. There are a lot of stories in my life and there aren't too many I can tell without remembering my bad habit right there by my side; never judging. Through thick and thin-mostly thin cuz that's another thing they're good for; for better or worse; richer or poorer; no matter how many times I break up with them; they have always been ready and willing to take me back.