November 2011
Yes, you may start laughing NOW! Where is U-Tube when you need them? Several months ago I bought the Zumba workout kit. Why? Well, almost every woman I saw who had lost a significant amount of weight AND looked toned said-in a very Latin/sexy tone of voice-"ZUMBA BABY"! From my sister-in law, who is Hispanic to my girlfriend in Houston who is Indian (from India) Zumba has hit home in las casas todos!
Me and my Julio Iglesias loving-I can sing all of his songs IN Spanish-self figured since I was so in-tune with the Hispanic culture I should be able to Zumba. After all, I lived in Spain for a whole month, have salsa danced for years as a tweenie (someone in their twenties) and saw Ricky Martin LIVE in a Bull-fighting arena for the love of all things Latin! Piece of Cake! Let's just state here that I am now clear a man will tell you ANYTHING to get you to color outside the lines. Clearly, even tell you you can (salsa) dance. If you want to know whether or not YOU can salsa dance-I have the bench mark test...Zumba Baby!
So, after a twenty minute ordeal of figuring out the DVD system, which did NOT count as a workout, I was plugged in to the newest craze for Las ninas Flacas everywhere! When the rhythm started and I saw all the people on the stage I was ready! Then their bodies started moving and I fell down. Luckily I heard someone say, "Now that you have done the basic video-please make sure you do the basic video first-you are ready for the Zumba LIVE workout"! Ariba!
Holy $#!t! What BASIC video...hold on...Whew! There it was, like a tortilla next to barbacoa. Quickly, before my husband noticed, I switched out the cd's and was calmed by a less rhythmic tone. Just 16 beats/second! But still, it didn't help my coordination look any more Latin. More like a duck skating on ice for the first time. "Who am I and where did Crystal go?" I asked myself while looking at my reflection in the TV and stumbling over my feet. What has happened to my rhythm? Maybe I'm just feeling under pressure to perform in front of the three hot Latin chicas on the DVD...I really do want to make an impression so they will invite me back to the live performance but I'm afraid the impression I'm making is more akin to rednecks taking a city slicker snipe hunting. I'm just sayin'.
This all started b/c one of my girlfriends and I are going to start taking salsa lessons. I'm white and she's black. We're going to be in a salsa class. Does ANYONE have a video camera we can borrow? Oh, and don't think cuz she's black she has any more rhythm than I have. She does not. The stereotype ends here. I know. I was shocked too. And if I can get a couple more runs through the video before our first real class I can look a little better than her. And really, isn't that what working out is all about? Looking better than your friends?
And if that IS the goal, I suggest you take your first Zumba class in an enclosed environment or in a foreign county. Cuz if your friends see you doing the booty circle or the body roll for the very first time...I"m just sayin! No muy caliente!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Un-Cosmopolitan
5 October 2011
Hello again readers. It's been awhile since I've written my own column...have to be inspired. And I was. During a recent visit to the dermatologist I was thumbing through Cosmopolitan magazine and found an article titled "Winning the Dating Game". Then as I read a bit further I realized they were talking to the WOMEN! What? Yep. Right there in the very first sentence they said "There's nothing better than hearing an enthusiastic 'yes!' after asking a GUY out."
First of all, you (ladies) do NOT, under any circumstances, ask a GUY out. Nope. No way. Not a chance. Not on a Wednesday. Not ever. Hopefully ladies have been faithful readers and put into practice what I've been telling you. You may not sprinkle pixie dust on the rotation of the love universe. Men hunt. Women are hunt-ED. Period. That is, of course, if you want a strong man. Now, if you want the wimpy man, go ahead, ask him out. Take away his manhood, if he ever had any. Let him use you (cuz chances are he will) if that's your game. But, if you want a real relationship let him do the asking.
What is about yourself that you find un-worthy of following the traditional rules? Because that is the exact question he is going to ask himself. The HuntER/HuntED thing has been happening for EONS for a reason! It works with the order of the universe! Don't you want a man who wants YOU? Of course you do, in the long run. Otherwise, you'll just be calling all the shots all of the time and that would be B.O.R.I.N.G. And when he does ask you out make sure you are GOING OUT. Not going to his place to "hang out". That is not a date. My friend Richard said to be different. Do something no other woman is doing. WAIT!
Once upon a time in a town far away my famous UB visited me. We went to Clear Lake and looked at all the wonderful sailing boats and at some point I had to open my trunk. UB noticed a set of golf clubs and a tackle box among other goodies in my trunk. He asked "Who's is that?" Well, who's car is it? It's mine. "What's in the tackle box?" Uh, TACKLE. "You have a set of golf clubs AND a tackle box, with tackle in it, in the trunk of your car and you're still single?" Why, yes, I am. At my own choosing.
Now, the golf clubs and the tackle box are long gone but the message is still fresh. Men want an independent woman with hobbies AND a mind of her own. They want a woman who can hang with the guys but still be a lady. None of that = you asking HIM out. Period. No way. Not a chance. And if you read He's Just Not That Into You you'd know that asking a man out is not ok, not even during an Eastern Seaboard blackout. If you’ve been paying even a little bit of attention to the way things actually WORK then you know a man who wants a woman will move heaven and earth to be with her. Now why on earth do you, o woman, want anything less? Don’t be desperate. It’s NOT attractive.
Men are simple. They want to loved and adored but not chased, for long. If you chase him you may catch him. If you catch him you may marry him. But, chances are that he will not really respect you. Men tell me stories ALL the time of how THEY caught their woman. When they did the hunting and their wife was being hunted the men tell their stories with pride, admiration and respect. When it's the other way around the stories are quite pathetic really.
Make a stand ladies. Wait. Do NOT ask a man out on a date. Just because they do it that way in New York, doesn't mean it's cosmopolitan!
Hello again readers. It's been awhile since I've written my own column...have to be inspired. And I was. During a recent visit to the dermatologist I was thumbing through Cosmopolitan magazine and found an article titled "Winning the Dating Game". Then as I read a bit further I realized they were talking to the WOMEN! What? Yep. Right there in the very first sentence they said "There's nothing better than hearing an enthusiastic 'yes!' after asking a GUY out."
First of all, you (ladies) do NOT, under any circumstances, ask a GUY out. Nope. No way. Not a chance. Not on a Wednesday. Not ever. Hopefully ladies have been faithful readers and put into practice what I've been telling you. You may not sprinkle pixie dust on the rotation of the love universe. Men hunt. Women are hunt-ED. Period. That is, of course, if you want a strong man. Now, if you want the wimpy man, go ahead, ask him out. Take away his manhood, if he ever had any. Let him use you (cuz chances are he will) if that's your game. But, if you want a real relationship let him do the asking.
What is about yourself that you find un-worthy of following the traditional rules? Because that is the exact question he is going to ask himself. The HuntER/HuntED thing has been happening for EONS for a reason! It works with the order of the universe! Don't you want a man who wants YOU? Of course you do, in the long run. Otherwise, you'll just be calling all the shots all of the time and that would be B.O.R.I.N.G. And when he does ask you out make sure you are GOING OUT. Not going to his place to "hang out". That is not a date. My friend Richard said to be different. Do something no other woman is doing. WAIT!
Once upon a time in a town far away my famous UB visited me. We went to Clear Lake and looked at all the wonderful sailing boats and at some point I had to open my trunk. UB noticed a set of golf clubs and a tackle box among other goodies in my trunk. He asked "Who's is that?" Well, who's car is it? It's mine. "What's in the tackle box?" Uh, TACKLE. "You have a set of golf clubs AND a tackle box, with tackle in it, in the trunk of your car and you're still single?" Why, yes, I am. At my own choosing.
Now, the golf clubs and the tackle box are long gone but the message is still fresh. Men want an independent woman with hobbies AND a mind of her own. They want a woman who can hang with the guys but still be a lady. None of that = you asking HIM out. Period. No way. Not a chance. And if you read He's Just Not That Into You you'd know that asking a man out is not ok, not even during an Eastern Seaboard blackout. If you’ve been paying even a little bit of attention to the way things actually WORK then you know a man who wants a woman will move heaven and earth to be with her. Now why on earth do you, o woman, want anything less? Don’t be desperate. It’s NOT attractive.
Men are simple. They want to loved and adored but not chased, for long. If you chase him you may catch him. If you catch him you may marry him. But, chances are that he will not really respect you. Men tell me stories ALL the time of how THEY caught their woman. When they did the hunting and their wife was being hunted the men tell their stories with pride, admiration and respect. When it's the other way around the stories are quite pathetic really.
Make a stand ladies. Wait. Do NOT ask a man out on a date. Just because they do it that way in New York, doesn't mean it's cosmopolitan!
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