Richard. Meet Xena.

Sex in the Woods

By Crystal Laramore


Richard. Meet Xena.


Somewhere in the middle of desperately watching Housewives and reading the bitch books, Grey’s Anatomy showed me the light at the end of the tunnel. The token blonde chick on the surgery floor was having visions that her ex love was always next to her; talking to her in his deep, sexy voice. Yes, every girl’s dream, except when the reason he’s your ex love is because he’s dead! Then, the experience is more likened to a nightmare instead of a dream.

Anyway, Izzy, the blonde surgeon, had a patient who needed a heart transplant. Mr. Patient was an American Indian and had a lot of wisdom-filled advice for poor, poor Izzy. He said, in his tribe, when a loved one died the family gathered all of their things and gave them to the medicine man to burn. That way the spirit could be freed and the tribe would not have to live with the ghost of the dead.

So, being the brain-surgery-kinda-smart girl she is, she decided to burn the dead, ex-boyfriends sweater she had been holding on to, and sleeping with, and smelling and…(In the spirit of relating everything to songs - Burn, baby burn.) Anyhooo, after sharing this revelation with my staff and noticing their “deer caught in the headlights” look, it occurred to me “Maybe I shouldn’t be sharing so much. Maybe some of my deepest, darkest thoughts shouldn’t be shared with people who aren’t forced, by hundreds of years of bloodline, to love me unconditionally”. Ya think?

My staff now enters the building every evening with great trepidation, fearing they will find the 8-burner outdoor grill ablaze with various Richard of my Past artifacts; me draped in loin cloth (from the skinned wild kitties under the deck) with black charcoal smudges under my eyes, wielding a serrated-edge hunting knife and a wild-far-away, Xena the Warrior Princess-like crazed look in my eyes. “Boss! Put DOWN the knife and step AWAY from the fire”.

Anyway, about that box full of his stuff that is taking up space in my office, maybe I should just burn it all. Secretly, of course. It can’t stay in my office. The box is big, the office is small and that makes the box seem like a large Elk in a small meadow, begging to die, by fire, on a grill…

Anyway, I do have to kick the ghostly box out of my way often. However, that actually feels good. After all, it’s not him I want to kick, I love him; it’s the situation I want to kick. I just want to kick something! I can’t kick my customers. The box will suffice, for now…

And the feeling to kick something, anything, comes at random. There are land mines all about the place. Yesterday I found dried pasta in pretty little bags that he sent me months and months ago. It was for our first date. Since we live a thousand miles apart and a first date requires food, and he is an idea man, he sent me a basket of food. While cleaning up the kitchen, I lifted the lid on the slow cooker, how appropriate, and there was the land mine. It came complete with a miniature breakdown during the dinner rush. Yippee.

Another land mine came in the form of a young, handsome country and western singer. He showed up here and wanted to audition. He’d heard about the place through his boss at the hospital. Being the hater of C&W music I am and being that I haven’t had a high tolerance of things (more things) that don’t make me happy I was NOT inclined to sit through an agonizing audition of a music genre famous for heartbreak songs.

But Hank Williams, Sr. channeled himself through me at that very moment and said yes to Mr. James Antley. There was a large group of school administrators sitting at table 8. Jennifer was celebrating her birthday so it was sorta perfect, in a weird, twisted, God is wielding his funny bone again, kind of way. Until the lyrics of his first song choice became clear to my untrained C&W ear “It’s a modern day romance with an old fashioned pain”. Purrrrrfeeeeeect. Isn’t this the part of the non-fairy tale where God does a preemptive strike and channels himself and sings a song like “Jose Cuervo is a friend of mine” or “Tequila makes my clothes fall off”? But, it was Jennifer’s birthday, never mind my unmitigated sad state of affairs. And, the birthday girl and her chipper little group just looooved the song. They clapped soooo enthusiastically that I swear the brick floor moved; “I feel the earth-move-under my feet”. Then, they suggested he move to the next round. He’s now a regular weekend attraction at Crystal’s House of P&S (Pain & Suffering). Good looks, great voice, sad songs and all!